I need a friend

I am overwhelmed. A little background info in case it's needed. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. We have a 4 year old, a 3 year old, and a 1 year old. I also watch 2 other kids in our home on weekdays. My husband is a manger of a retail store. He has a stressful job, he does not get a lot of weekends off so we are never really "free" together.
We only have one vehicle, which he needs to get to work and I can not drive him so I have it during the week because I have the extra kids. So I often feel stuck.
He loves to throw darts, it is a dream of his to be a pro someday, he is really good, but I feel like he does not have time for me and the kids.
I got Raven during a really hard time, I love her, I feel like the cats are the only things in the house that are not just take take take and give me some joy.
Our agreement has been that I get half of what I am paid every week for watching the 2 extra kids, that is my money to spend and not have to answer for and what I need for the cats comes out of that.
Before Christmas things got tight (and after, even tighter) and he said that I would not be able to have that half for a while, I said that was fine but I needed to be saving to get the cats fixed. (and continue to buy food and litter) He said that was fine and that he would pay for the cats being fixed when the time comes. So I have not argued or complained at all.
Now there is a ton of marriage stuff we need to work through. We love each other, I think niether of us is happy exactly the way things are. He is so stressed at work, our kids are really young (and demanding), I feel like he doesn't have (or want to make) time for us. I think he thinks that his only role is to work and he does not need to do anything else. I am far from perfect, I know that.
Anyway, now he is complaining that he has to "foot the bill" for the cats. He always does this, he needs that money, I understand and want the bills paid too, he still can always go throw darts, but he is mad that the cats have needs.
I love them, I love Raven, I love Jack. I also love my husband. It puts me in a rough spot. I would have the money saved if I could have been saving that half every week (at least for Raven who needs to be fixed first).
If I found them other homes I would just resent him for it. If I don't he wi8ll resent me for the money part of it. I love them, I love him.
What would you do?
Keeping in mind he is IMPOSSIBLE to talk too, he is right, I am wrong, he is the main breadwinner, he works, he needs breaks, I have a slower pace so I do not deserve breaks.

I´m so sorry to you for that hard situation my friend...

Wow - wish you guys were closer - DH and I would sit you both down and have a good long talk about the IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNICATION. By saying is impossible to talk to him, you've defeated yourself from the beginning.

You both need a much needed break - from the job and kids. First I suggest you find a babysitter for 1-2 nites where you BOTH go by yourselves away from the kids and job. Do NOT make excuses that you can't do it- DO IT. If you want to save your marriage you have to work together.

It won't be a quick fix but it will be a start. You need to "date" - pick one nite out every week or every 2 weeks and make a date with each other - alone! Bring back the romance you had at the beginning of your relationship.

Now with some of the financial problems (which cause a lot of fights in marriage) - you need to both sit down and figure out a budget - put it in writing the bills, the income, and what you will spend it on. That way you can see where the problems are and start resolving it. You might want to check into taking a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace course. It will help you both with the finances and how to straighten it out.

You have to tackle each problem separately. But you can't argue and fight - you have to both compromise with things.



BTW where do you live in ND? We are in the SW corner of Minnesota - if you live near Fargo - its only a 3 hr trip if you guys want some counseling

... You may want to write up what you bring...lol a housewife / mother for all you do would make about 125,000$ a yr at the last check ( someone does calculate this every few yrs ) .. Remind him you also do work out of your house by taking care of the other children..Did he worry about $$ prior to the kittys coming home??

STRESS is one thing ... has he tried doing your job???

Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45

You need to "date" - pick one nite out every week or every 2 weeks and make a date with each other - alone! Bring back the romance you had at the beginning of your relationship.

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A good way to do this is to make some Valentines Day plans NOW and to hell with the cost. Most restaurants are already booked up but you can find something that will fit into your price bracket.

As far as the cats are concerned I see special low rates on neutering all the time. We have decided not to neuter our young kitten because there is no way she can get out. I would not give on the cats, is he giving on the darts?

I am so sorry that you feel this way I understand how this can happen to a good relationship. I agree with GoldenKitty45! You two really do need to work on this. My DH and I forgot how to talk with each other at the beginning of our marriage and it really made things hard. I would definitely recommend a budget for the financial stress. It will also help both of you see what you can and can not afford. Crown Financial has a free program on the internet that is really good! http://www.crown.org/ I would also recommend reading a book "The Five Love Languages" By Gary Chapman. It is a really amazing book that will get both of you to look at your relationship in a new way! If you need someone to talk to I would be glad to share personal experiences with you or just listen to you vent. Just send me a PM!! I will be praying for you!! I know how hard it can be to feel trapped in a relationship.

I am here if you need to talk!!

I'm very sorry to hear this

You have great advice from others about building the relationship back up. My advice is somewhat on the money.....

I think you need to get out of the house and find a very part-time job if possible. I would go crazy if I had to stay home all the time. Especially if you have kids that are constantly needing something. If you had a job you would be equally entiled to the money and responsibilites of finance (especially for your cats). Could you work even two days a week??? That would at least give you some sense of freedom and power.

I understand the money crunch, but there are things you can do even at home. If you are good at crafty things you could start an upolstery shop out of your home. Just an idea.....

I'm a very independent woman and hate the idea of EVER depending on a man. It's hard for me to not say more. One thing that really gives women empowerment is knowing that if their husband left them, or they left him, they could still live on. I'm not saying that your husband is going to leave you at all, I'm just trying to say something. He could die and you would be in the same boat.

Please don't take any of this the wrong way, I didn't mean to say anything hurtful at all. That's my advice in a nutshell.

Just to let you know, I understand exactly how you feel since my husband and I were in a similar situation. I'm finally getting my dream job interview next week so we'll soon be out of the clear and back to 'normal'.
Have you looked towards animal shelters for low cost spaying and neutering?

Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45

BTW where do you live in ND? We are in the SW corner of Minnesota - if you live near Fargo - its only a 3 hr trip if you guys want some counseling

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Grand Forks, so we are about a 4 hour trip, but I am pretty sure he would not want any counsoling. I decided today to write out the questions and concerns I have, both for him to answer and me to answer and then we can compare our notes. Usually during a "talk" he shuts me out or I get emotional, maybe this way I can be better prepared.

Originally Posted by EnzoLeya

I think you need to get out of the house and find a very part-time job if possible. I would go crazy if I had to stay home all the time. Especially if you have kids that are constantly needing something. If you had a job you would be equally entiled to the money and responsibilites of finance (especially for your cats).

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Don't worry, no offense taken. I just wanted to say that I watch the 2 extra kids during the week and I get paid for that. It is really not feasablefor me to go get a job, paying for 2 kids in daycare would be as much as I could possibly make.

Really, the kitty's and the finances regarding the kities is not the big issue. I think sometimes that he resents that he is the main breadwinner, this is not the life he expected and maybe he is afraid to say that.

I don't think he understands what you do, nor does he appreciate it. If you were to work, it would be between $30,000 - $40,000 a year for your 3 kids in child care alone! That alone is worth a full time job! Plus you are watching the other two. You need a break too once in awhile...I wish you the best. Maybe write him a letter and let him know how you feel...

Good luck hun!

Aw sweetheart I'm so sorry you're feeling like this I've not really got anything to add - it looks like there's a lot of good advice already here though. I hope things will start to pick up soon and at least you know you can always come here and let off steam.

Originally Posted by sofiecusion

I don't think he understands what you do, nor does he appreciate it. If you were to work, it would be between $30,000 - $40,000 a year for your 3 kids in child care alone! That alone is worth a full time job! Plus you are watching the other two. You need a break too once in awhile...I wish you the best. Maybe write him a letter and let him know how you feel...

Good luck hun!

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This is what I was thinking..he has no idea..and alot of people have no idea how much a mom is really worth. I come across it all the time where husbands don't get life insurance on their "stay at home" mom wives because they don't have income....well what the heck would a working hubby do if all of a sudden he had to run the whole household?! He would be SOL.

Also, that you are "allowed" to keep half your money also sounds a little weird to me. Both of your money should be both of your money, IMO anyway.

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. The others are right in saying communication is key. If he is not willing to communicate, then what is the point?

Best of luck hun

Lots of good advice here. But to me, he sounds controlling and closed-minded. Not my cup of tea at all. My BF is weird about money, which will keep me from marrying him.

Definitely cost out what a "wife" (domestic engineer) would earn in the market place. I'm sure there are sites where you can get that info. Good luck. I hope you can work things out.

Ok, first what attracted you to each other? When you sit down to talk, don't start off with accusing - that shuts it all down and puts both on the defensive. You need to list some problem areas and ASK him for suggestions on how to fix them.

Unless both are willing to talk about it, then it won't happen. Sounds like you need a neutral 3rd party to be a negotiator or arbutrator. If you have a home church, you may look into getting your pastor's help in working this out.

I figured that I had already started to vent in this thread, so I would follow up in it.
The day I posted the original post I wrote a list of questions and concerns and shared them with my husband. We had a very nice talk, it was not an arguement at all, just a talk. Sometimes we need to see each others perspective on things. Just as I had issues for him, he had some for me, and it is nice to know that so we can both work on things.

Anyway, I am having a bad day today. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, I did not realize how demanding (or endless) it could be. But watching 2 extra kids is even more difficult. I actually got a job offer today and was really excited about it, until I figured out the daycare costs for my own kids and that I would make less than I owed in childcare. Really doesn't make sense to take a job then.

Originally Posted by mom2raven

I figured that I had already started to vent in this thread, so I would follow up in it.
The day I posted the original post I wrote a list of questions and concerns and shared them with my husband. We had a very nice talk, it was not an arguement at all, just a talk. Sometimes we need to see each others perspective on things. Just as I had issues for him, he had some for me, and it is nice to know that so we can both work on things.

Anyway, I am having a bad day today. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, I did not realize how demanding (or endless) it could be. But watching 2 extra kids is even more difficult. I actually got a job offer today and was really excited about it, until I figured out the daycare costs for my own kids and that I would make less than I owed in childcare. Really doesn't make sense to take a job then.

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Isn't that unfortunate? I'm sorry that it won't work out financially for you, but I hope that the talk with your husband helps calm some of the financial fears in your marriage.

I'm sorry that you won't be able to take the other job, but this is an excellent example of how you are helping out the family financially. You are saving that much money every month/year. You are also investing in the people that your children will become. You are a very important person. And sometimes moms don't get the credit they deserve!! So I will say it for you!! You are important!! and You are doing something worthy of Praise!! Go you Go!! If you ever need any more appreciation I am here to be your cheerleader!!

Im in your boat right along with you! A job as an EMT would only pay about 13 bucks an hour... Childcare cost would be about 1600 per month for my three kids, plus my husband wouldn't be able to work his job because he's gone all the time on the road! What helped us with the issue is I made him sit down and figure out what I do and what it would cost to have someone else do it! The daycare alone would be almost as much I would make, Plus, I would have to have insurance as his is crappy! It doesn't add up for a mom of 3 to go to work! Plus he would have to learn how to budget, and well he just cant!

Im glad you and your DH are starting to talk it out! Thats a good thing, keep the lines of communication open!

And remember, if you have to cut one of your things, he should have to cut one of his to! Fair is fair!

Do you live close enough to a family member or someone that could take care of the kids for a few hours during the day?
Also have you looked into private baby sitters (Like local teens, a lot of teens are good hearted and arent the terrors you hear about on the news!) Maybe you could work something out with pay. Heck I know a lot of teens that would be happy to just have a job where they werent flipping burgers even if it was just minimum wage!
Or maybe only get daycare one day a week and have that day completely for you or something. Even if you are home, it would still be nice to have the house quiet and peaceful.
Also, you need to start talking more often! And I compeletely agree with the vacation together! Even if you just go a town or so over and stay at a nice hotel or bed and breakfast it would help just to have time to relax.
Also, I think that maybe you should tell your husband how it feels like he is being close minded and that he doesnt have time for you. And if he still refuses to help you out and not act the way he has been, maybe you should go off for a weekend alone. Go visit family or something and leave him with the kids. Ok so maybe that wouldnt be the best of options, but you never know. It might do wonders!

Good luck with everything!