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I Am Just So Distraught!!

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 
I just found out a few days ago that my son & his wife are getting a divorce (which is part of why I haven't been online at TCS recently). The reason being is b/c he found out that she's been cheating on him. I'm just soooo upset over this! Not only b/c I'm hurting over my son hurting and having to go through this (and I'm 1200 miles away and can't "be there" for him), but also b/c I'm worried about what kind of an effect this will have on my precious granddaughter. Who knows what kind of a guy the DIL has been cheating with, and how he'll treat Harmony (my granddaughter): this worries me most of all..

I can't believe that she would cheat on him! He works 12 hour days, 4-6 days a week, is a good provider, husband, & father - and she says it's HIS fault that she's "miserable & unhappy" b/c he's "never home for her".

I am just so upset & worried for the two of them, and don't know what to do. I wish I could just hop on a plane and be there for them, and hold them and assure them that they'll be all right..

~KK~
post #2 of 26
That happened to my husband with his first wife (except they didn't have a child), and I've known a lot of people who have been in this situation. I am so sorry!! I will pray that things will be okay for Harmony and your son.
post #3 of 26
Oh, I'm so sorry. It doesn't sound like it's his fault at all. Some people are just stupid and don't care about anyone else but themselves. Sending you some good vibes so that everythings works out.
post #4 of 26
I'm sorry there is turmoil in your family. for you all.
post #5 of 26
Sorry to hear that He is trying to provide for her and your granddaughter, and she is taking all of that as a bad thing, and treating him horribly in return. Hopefully it works out for the best...
post #6 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by KittKatt View Post
I can't believe that she would cheat on him! He works 12 hour days, 4-6 days a week, is a good provider, husband, & father - and she says it's HIS fault that she's "miserable & unhappy" b/c he's "never home for her".
Yea, i hear alot of stories like that. the next guy she breaks up with , will cause he does not take care of her,and never has any money.

lol i had a few breakup over the same type of stuff.

Some people are never going to happy, until they see the only person that can make you happy is yourself
post #7 of 26
I'm so sorry to hear they are going through this! My prayers are with you guys!
post #8 of 26
I am so sorry.....

My DH went through a nearly identical divorce. All I can say, is stay positive, it all works out in the end. My DH is happily married now and the kids are in good hands with us.

Best wishes through this hard time...
post #9 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by zao_cat View Post
Some people are just stupid and don't care about anyone else but themselves.
Yes, that's how I see it, too. She always has been a "selfish" person, and has a lot of growing up to do. This isn't the first time she's done something like this, and I was hoping that the last time they got back together she had finally realized she was sacrificing a good thing by her selfishness. I'm not saying that my son's perfect and doesn't have his faults too, but he's a good-hearted person who is responsible and provides for his family, and has made plenty of sacrifices to keep them happy & well. It just blows me away that she could risk giving up such a good husband & father to their baby. He would do anything for them.. I just don't get it..

~KK~
post #10 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by theimp98 View Post
Yea, i hear alot of stories like that. the next guy she breaks up with , will cause he does not take care of her,and never has any money.
I see the same type of scenerio occurring myself. She already has done something like this previosly: she broke up with my son, and then went whining back to him about how badly the next guy treated her, and my son took her back. I had my reservations about them getting back together back then, but my son was convinced that she had "grown up" and wouldn't do that to him again. I guess he figured that after she had the baby, she would be more responsible..

He says that this time he will not take her back if she tries to come back. But knowing him the way I do, he probably will, b/c she has the one thing that he loves more than anything in this world - his daughter. And it's not beneath her to dangle her in front of his nose..




Quote:
Some people are never going to happy, until they see the only person that can make you happy is yourself


Truer words were never spoken...

You're a wise man, Imp!

peeps for your kind words & support. We really need it right now..

~KK~
post #11 of 26
I am so sorry you are going through this - my brother is also going through it and it is hard on the whole family, not least my young nieces. But it sounds as if maybe some counselling might help - your son and his wife do not have the right balance in their lives between work and family. But I do hope it all works out for the best, whatever the end result.
post #12 of 26
This is a similar situation to the one my parents were in - my father worked about 12 hours a day 7 days a week, and he was the one that cheated. My mother was absolutely miserable because she was always home to take care of myself and my little brother and they had no quality time together at all. When there was the opportunity for time together, there was always something else that had to be taken care of. I can understand why your DIL would be feeling miserable and lonely - it is heartbreaking at times to get up alone, spend the day alone and then not really see your husband/partner for long in the evening because they're so tired.

But that is absolutely NO reason to treat your son the way she has. She should have told him how she was feeling, rather than just "wander". Counselling would have been - could still be - an option. For the whole family. Your granddaughter is going to need someone strong right now.

I'm so sorry the family is going through this and i really hope things all work out for the best, however that may be.
post #13 of 26
That's really too bad that your son is going through this.

Hopefully your granddaughter is old enough to realize what mommy did to daddy. In several cases, the children grow up thankful that their parents got a divorce rather than staying together. I couldn't imagne her growing up with her mom complaining how her father's never around and doesn't care about them
post #14 of 26
Awww, that is such a shame I am sorry your son is going through this..I hope he is olay
post #15 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilleKat View Post

I can understand why your DIL would be feeling miserable and lonely - it is heartbreaking at times to get up alone, spend the day alone and then not really see your husband/partner for long in the evening because they're so tired.
Yes, I can certainly understand how she's feeling to some degree, b/c my s/o is at work a lot and I'm "alone" a lot of the time. But I would think that she'd appreciate the fact that he's responsible and trying to take care of his family, instead of him being some lazy deadbeat who sits home all day long drinking beer and watching TV. I think she's kind of "co-dependent" myself, and needs to find a life of her own and not rely on him so much to provide "entertainment". It's not like he's never there for her at all: he spends as much time as he possibly can with her and the baby, and takes them on vacations as often as he can. And she also works herself, so she should understand his side of things a little more, b/c she's also tired and needs her rest too on her days off...

He's tried "compromising" with her regarding the circumstances, but I think she just expects too much from him. Maybe her "new guy" will be more of what she wants..

Thanks peeps for your advice & support. I really am upset over this, and appreciate having peeps to talk to..

~KK~
post #16 of 26
you know, i kinda had a rule when dating.
If the person i was dating , made comments about how she could not stand being alone, Or always had to have people around her.

i would break up with them. It not my job to keep someone amused.
post #17 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by theimp98 View Post
you know, i kinda had a rule when dating.
If the person i was dating , made comments about how she could not stand being alone, Or always had to have people around her.

i would break up with them. It not my job to keep someone amused.

Yes, a comment like that is definately a big red flag! Hopefully my son has learned something from the experience..

My ex-husband was "needy" & "clingy" too: needless to say, that relationship didn't last very long. As you say, Imp, it's not our job to keep someone amused.

~KK~
post #18 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by KittKatt View Post
He's tried "compromising" with her regarding the circumstances, but I think she just expects too much from him. Maybe her "new guy" will be more of what she wants..

~KK~
If this is the case, it's quite possible that even she doesn't know what she wants. Whatever the case, it's good to know that you can always come and share the heartache with others and get the weight off your shoulders for a little bit. Keep your chin up!
post #19 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilleKat View Post
If this is the case, it's quite possible that even she doesn't know what she wants. Whatever the case, it's good to know that you can always come and share the heartache with others and get the weight off your shoulders for a little bit. Keep your chin up!

In my own opinion, I don't think she does know what she wants. She complained about her previous boyfriend (who she had been with after breaking up with my son the first time) saying that he was lazy, wouldn't work, and was "mean" to her. So her & my son get back together, get married and all, and now she's complaining that my son works TOO much! HUH?!

IMO, I think she has a lot of growing up to do. She can't have her cake and eat it, too..

My main concern is the effect this is going to have on my granddaughter: I fear that the new b/f may possibly harm her - maybe not physically, but possibly verbally, emotionally, and mentally. God help him if he does..

Yes, it does help to be able to vent & share. I appreciate everyone's advice & concern.

~KK~
post #20 of 26
Is there anyway your son can look into at least having main custody?
post #21 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lunasmom View Post
Is there anyway your son can look into at least having main custody?
I've already talked to him about that, and despite the fact that the DIL is immature in a lot of ways, she does seem to be a good Mom. My son doesn't think it would be "fair" to her to take custody away from her. I told him he should at least try for joint custody, and to make sure he keeps an eye on Harmony for any unusual behavior. I personally think that Harmony would be better off with her Dad (and not b/c he's my son, either), but I guess he feels that the DIL is a good mother too and he doesn't want to "hurt" the DIL in that way. IMO, he's thinking with his heart, and not his head. But just b/c I think that he should try for custody doesn't mean I'm right. It's their life and I'm trying not to "butt in" too much: they have to make their own decisions I guess..

~KK~
post #22 of 26
Oh goodness this is a tough one... Identicle situation happened to my mother and father... I was left with my mom. My crazy, abusive mother. She had 7 other husbands after that. I was "removed" from the house at age 15, they took me to what they called "holdover". took pictures of everything, and re-homed me, like I was a pet. My daddy thought it best that I be with my mommy. It didn't work out for us that way... I really hope your son does whats right in this situation! Getting divorced is hard on everyone. My best friend is going through a divorce right now and she had her named changed back to her maiden name, no big deal right? WRONG! There son Evan just cannot understand why mommys last name cant be the same as his! Their divorce is pretty much the same as the one you're son and DIL are going through only opposite. She works while he sits around and does nothing. When he does work, she never sees any of the money. She had it written in her divorce papers that they have "joint custody" but then it also says PHYSCICAL CUSTODY TO BE GIVE TO THE MOTHER, with said visitation.

I will hope and pray, that what happened to me as a child, doesn't happen to your granddaughter... My life is not easy, and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
Good luck!!
post #23 of 26
I really hope that your son does file for joint custody. If DIL gets full custody of your granddaughter, there's no telling what she could do - and it's little lady that's going to suffer in the situation. She can be used as an emotional weapon/blackmail against your son and that's not fair for either one.

I do have something simliar.... My son lives with his father because at the time I gave him up, I was emotionally and physically unable to care form him properly. I suffered a breakdown with the stress of the situation that I was in and so we both filed for joint custody. If I didn't have that, I probably wouldn't have been able to see my son again and that would have killed me. I did still want the best for him and I could think straight enough to know that I couldn't give it to him. Not for lack of trying, that's for sure.

Your son may think it's the best thing for his baby girl to stay with her mum and he may or may not be right - it is his decision to make in the end, but she needs her daddy just as much so a joint custody agreement would be a good thing in the long run. Upsetting the applecart long enough to put an extra wheel on the wagon will make it more stable later on.
post #24 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by glitch View Post
Oh goodness this is a tough one... Identicle situation happened to my mother and father... I was left with my mom. My crazy, abusive mother. She had 7 other husbands after that. I was "removed" from the house at age 15, they took me to what they called "holdover". took pictures of everything, and re-homed me, like I was a pet. My daddy thought it best that I be with my mommy. It didn't work out for us that way... I really hope your son does whats right in this situation! Getting divorced is hard on everyone. My best friend is going through a divorce right now and she had her named changed back to her maiden name, no big deal right? WRONG! There son Evan just cannot understand why mommys last name cant be the same as his! Their divorce is pretty much the same as the one you're son and DIL are going through only opposite. She works while he sits around and does nothing. When he does work, she never sees any of the money. She had it written in her divorce papers that they have "joint custody" but then it also says PHYSCICAL CUSTODY TO BE GIVE TO THE MOTHER, with said visitation.

I will hope and pray, that what happened to me as a child, doesn't happen to your granddaughter... My life is not easy, and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
Good luck!!
I'm so, so sorry, Glitch, that you had to endure all that growing up. No child should have to be subjected to that.. I'm afraid that something like that may happen with Harmony, and that the DIL will "jump" from one guy to the next. The only thing that keeps me from worrying TOO much is the fact that if the DIL does live her life like that, I don't think my son would allow it to continue. I think he would step in and put a stop to it...

~KK~
post #25 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilleKat View Post
I really hope that your son does file for joint custody. If DIL gets full custody of your granddaughter, there's no telling what she could do - and it's little lady that's going to suffer in the situation. She can be used as an emotional weapon/blackmail against your son and that's not fair for either one.
I wouldn't put it past the DIL to use Harmony as emotional blackmail: I've witnessed her acting in that way already. That's part of why I'm worried about the whole thing. She is manipulative, and my son is an "easy target" b/c he never wants to "hurt" anyone's feelings. But as I mentioned to Glitch, I don't think he would hesitate fighting for custody, if he thinks Harmony's in any danger.

Quote:
I do have something simliar.... My son lives with his father because at the time I gave him up, I was emotionally and physically unable to care form him properly. I suffered a breakdown with the stress of the situation that I was in and so we both filed for joint custody. If I didn't have that, I probably wouldn't have been able to see my son again and that would have killed me. I did still want the best for him and I could think straight enough to know that I couldn't give it to him. Not for lack of trying, that's for sure.
I think you did the "right" thing in your case, Lillecat. If you weren't capable of being a good mom at the time, you probably would have ended up causing your son more harm than good by keeping him. Kudos to you for recognizing your "weaknesses", and doing the courageous thing.

I was only 19 when I had my son, and wasn't sure if I was ready to be a mom myself. So I put my son in a temporary foster home, to give myself time to think about what would be best for him and myself. It ended up being a good decision, b/c it gave me time to think, and I realized how much I loved my son and wanted to be the best mom I could. I wasn't perfect and made my share of mistakes, but I must have done something right b/c he turned out to be one heck of a good guy. So even though it hurt like the dickens to give him up even temporarily, I don't regret the decision...


~KK~
post #26 of 26
I am so sorry your family is going through all of this...so many people get hurt when there is a divorce...I will keep your son and granddaughter in my thoughts and prayers... for you!
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