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Airline humor

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 
> > > > Airline Attendants

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen,
we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down
the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to
take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave
anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

3. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
are only 4 ways out of this airplane".

4. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."

5. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald
Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella. WHOA!"

6. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms
in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

7. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks
will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child,
pick your favorite.

8. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
than Southwest Airlines."

9. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in
the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore
and take them with our compliments."

10. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and
nose before assisting children ... or other adults acting like children."

11. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children
or spouses."

12. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta
airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants
in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

13. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the
intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what
y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault ...it was the asphalt."

14. Overheard on an American Airlines flight intoAmarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the
final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

15. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

16. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight
he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to
stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."

He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except
for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do
you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land,
or were we shot down?"

17. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain
in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."

18. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

19. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came
back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you,
the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled
the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You
should see the back of mine!"

20. AND heard on a Southwest Airline flight: "Ladies and
gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this
airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can
smoke 'em."
post #2 of 6
OMG! That gave me a huge chuckle! One of my very first flights we had a flight attendant who cracked jokes the whole way. It was by far the most entertaining flight I've ever had and I wish there were more funny attendants out there than what there are now.
Thanks again Bren for cracking me up...I really needed that!
post #3 of 6
That was so funny!
post #4 of 6
post #5 of 6
Ha Ha, I wish I had something to add, I haven't flown in awhile. Oh, I was id-ed once for alcohol, I thought that was funny. One province drinking age is 18, the others are 19. What would they do if I was 18 and flying to/from B.C.? Ha Ha Luckily I never had that problem. I was 19
post #6 of 6
Those were great - thanks!
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