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This is so funny!!!

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 
I thought you guys might appreciate a good I know I did!!! Its a little long but well worth reading!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, what a great gift for the wife for our anniversary,
the man thought. Here's his story, written in his own words:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and
I was looking for a little something "special" for my wife.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser-stun gun. With all the rampant crime, I reasoned that this would be the perfect gift. The box said, the effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, and it would allow a woman adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded
two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I read the accompanying brochure.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the Wife what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my
recliner with my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was
reading the directions, and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target, to be sure it worked.

I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for only a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat, and the voltage might kill something so small. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Was I wrong? Wouldn't you want to know also?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst would cause muscle spasm s and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop around on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with two little bitty, itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "NO possible way can this little thing do any damage!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best......

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad...

I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it, so I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
from the recliner, then body-slammed me onto the carpet,
over and over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "I told him not to do it!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: THERE IS NO SUCH THING as a "one-second burst", cause when you zap yourself, you will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by the violent thrashing about and convulsing on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!

A couple minutes later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the room. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace; (How did they up get there???), the coffee table was kicked over, and a lamp was overturned, and there was a big wet spot where my body had laid. (I won't go into details on that!)

My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. My hands & feet were tingling; and I'm still looking for my testicles! They seem to have disappeared! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Regretful Hubby who will think of a better Anniversary gift next year!
post #2 of 14
post #3 of 14
That is the FUNNIEST thing I have read in............I donknowwhen! LMAOOOOOOOO! much is one of them babies??
post #4 of 14
Okay I just laughed till I cried!! Oh thanks for putting that up!! It made my day a little brighter!!
post #5 of 14
im still laughing, omg thats funny!
post #6 of 14
ehehehehehehe men!!
post #7 of 14
That is great!
post #8 of 14
Oh my gosh, that was hilarious!!!!
post #9 of 14
That was very funny!!
post #10 of 14
So LOL that there might be a wet spot somewhere here!
post #11 of 14
Sounds like a perfect way to get DH ion line!!!

lol just kidding!

Too funny!!!

post #12 of 14
My brother once dated a girl who had one of those things, and he asked her to try it on him "just for fun."

Luckily, she was a lot smarter than he was, and refused.
post #13 of 14
ROFLMAO best thing i have read for a long time.
post #14 of 14
LOL!!!! I had to read that to DH! THat is the exact reason that I won't let DH have one of those!!
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