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I know the day will come

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 
So I am in a sharing mood tonight. And everyone is nice, helpful and all that here so I will post this here.

Where to begin I have no idea. So let me briefly jump back in time. When I was 16 I got pregnant. I got pregnant by someone older than me he was 22-23 somewhere around there. Anyways when I got pregnant he denied I was pregnant by him. So I moved out of state one day (really I up and left and told no one) to live with my mom. And I had my son with very little contact with my son's other family. Just a few letters from his grandma. Anyways I tried to be a single mom but after 6 mths my old ways caught back up with me and I was drinking and all that stuff again. Me and my mom (on her advice) came to an agreement for her to take guardianship on my son with the intent to adopt. Well the adoption never happened because for my mom to adopt him she had to contact my son's father for him to sign away rights. But it was gonna be a frosty day in heck before I or my mom contacted him. He was a coke head then and apparently still is (more on that later). So I ended up just signing legal guardianship of him to my mother when he was 1 1/2 years old. I the last 10 years I have only had face to face contact with him 2 times. One when I hopped a bus to go back where I am from to get clean (made some dumb mistakes that night that I regret) and another 8 years ago at a place I worked at. Other than that no contact.

So a few nights ago I was messing around the florida corrections site just goofing off because I was bored. And for whatever reason I figured I would look up his name and see if he had been arrested. And he had for manufacturing, selling and transporting cocaine. Freaked me out mainly cause I did not think I would find anything. So that night I really struggled with telling my husband about this. And I did end up telling him because it was eating me up even thinking of not telling him what I found. He did not care so I was worried for nothing.

Anyways on to the main point of all this. For the last few days since I found this all out is I better write as much info on him and his family down as I can. Because my oldest is now 10 I know that within the next 10 years he will start asking questions it will happen. He has my madien last name. My mom and my stepdad have a different last name. So I know as he gets older there will be hard questions for all of us to answer. And when he wants (if he wants) to know more about that side of the family I will have that info and so will my mom. Like who his grandma on that side is. Who is granfather was (died of a heart attack in the last 80s at the age of 60). Even tho I never met him through some searches I know he retired from the Navy as a Lt Commander. I know that he has an uncle and cousins on that side. I know that he has a 1/2 brother 2 years younger than him. Yep he got another 16 year old pregnant about a year after I left. Claims that child tho. What a kick in the face that was when I found out 8 years ago. Met her once got in a huge huge fight with her. Fists and all not a great day that was.

Feels good to get that out. I am running out of words now. Any more and I will hit a real sore spot about him and all of this. Because I hate him for all he has done but he still is the father of my oldest son. And I will end up crying for being ticked off at the butt head for all this crud. I may try to type more later. We'll see.
post #2 of 7
Oh, man. I think you're doing the right thing by writing down the family history in case he ever wants to know.

That's a rough situation and I wish I had the right words to make you feel better.
post #3 of 7
Oh hon, I feel for you. Yes, he is going to start asking questions and the only thing I can suggest is to be honest about who he is and the circumstances behind it. It may be hard for him to take, but it's better than getting a fairy tale and finding out the truth later.

One thing I do suggest is, if possible, get in touch with any relative you can on that side and see if you can get a medical history. I'm adopted, and it's something I really need to try to do too. That way, you will know what runs on that side of the family and know what you need to look out for. And so will he in the future.

I'm sorry it was such a bad experience for you. But, you got 2 good things out of it. First, your son! Second, you got a learning experience and now you have a wonderful man as a husband.
post #4 of 7
Your son might never be very curious and ask a lot of questions, you never know. If he considers your husband his dad he may be pretty satisfied; I've seen it happen.

I think you are doing the right thing and just tell him the truth when he asks. Try not to sweat it too much now; you are strong and I'll bet it won't be so bad when he asks.
post #5 of 7
I was in your position at the same age. Back then there was a huge stigma attatched to unwed motherhood, and my parents forced me to place him up for adoption. Everyone in the family of course had an opinion on it. This was 31 years ago. My parents used this against me to take my daughter away from me, so they ended up with control of both my children. I have always been very honest with my daughter, she knows I am her mother, she has a brother, and now she know the circumstances of all of what happened. I have given her the option of trying to find him. I will absolutely not give her any more than necessary info on her bio father because I am afraid to have him around her and her daughter. He is crazy and it is impossible what might set him off. Sometimes it can be just not being the center of attention. She is so far fine with that, but my sister is digging into it because SHE thinks my daughter should know about her medical history and such. I already know that, and can tell her.
My advice is to find out what you can, discreetly, on your own, and when he starts asking questions, answer him so he will not have to go looking on his own and likely end up disappointed or hurt. You know your son, and you will know what he is ready to know and when. My daughter decided to just let it go after she found out about him and how he treated us. I hope things work out for you, and if you need to, you can pm me. this can be a hard thing to go through.
post #6 of 7
You know, you are entitled to back child support from this guy. See a good family law attorney.
post #7 of 7
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by Zane's Pal View Post
You know, you are entitled to back child support from this guy. See a good family law attorney.
Umm no that will never be pursued. Doing such is opening a door for an group of drug addicts, alcoholics, drug dealers, and abusers into my son's calm life. The adoption was only pursued until she was told that we had to contact that family to sign over rights and it stopped there. If when he is an adult he wants to meet the fine but I would not be happy if he pursued that as a child.
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