Uncle died... Confused

My mom just e-mailed me. She talked about a bunch of stuff, and at the end of it, she mentioned, "Oh, by the way, your uncle F. died a few days ago."

This is her sister's husband, a man we saw every Christmas and Thanksgiving as long as I can remember. We lived in the same neighborhood for three years and saw each other what must've been every week.

"By the way"?

Is my mom being cold? Does she not like him? Or is it just that she's put her foot in her mouth, and doesn't mean it? Does she think *I* don't care?

He was only in his early fifties... too young. He was courageous, too--an army man, the first and only black person to marry into our family despite my grandma hating him. His two daughters, my cousins, are happy; one is married and in the Marines and the other graduated from film school. I hope they're OK. Well, no, they aren't OK... but... I hope they will be. My dad died when I was two and then my stepdad when I was nine; but I think it would be much worse if a dad you had all your life died.

I wish Mom would have told me. I wanted to know. I couldn't have afforded to go to his funeral, because I can hardly afford food; but... I would've wanted to know as more than a "by the way".

I don't know if I'm exactly grieving. I don't feel things very deeply as a matter of course; but all the memories of my uncle are coming back, and I'm trying to fit my mind around the idea of not ever seeing him again. Maybe that's what counts as grieving to a very logical, left-brained sort of person. I've only ever cried for my cats.

Your siggy says you're a college student - I would bet that your mother was trying to find a way to tell you without "disrupting your studies" and just ended up doing a poor job of it. I know a lot of parents try to protect their college student children from extra stress and emotional suffering, which we never feel like we need.

Maybe you can call her and ask for details, and say flat out that you wish she would have told you. I'll bet that you find out she was just trying to protect you, and not to be heartless.

Originally Posted by Sandtigress

Your siggy says you're a college student - I would bet that your mother was trying to find a way to tell you without "disrupting your studies" and just ended up doing a poor job of it. I know a lot of parents try to protect their college student children from extra stress and emotional suffering, which we never feel like we need.

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I would have to agree. Then again, you said that your father died when you were young, maybe there's a connection to your mom's reaction. Or it could be the fact that it's been a few days before she told you and it's not as of a shock to her. When my uncle died, I wasn't told until a week later by my Dad and it was practically the same way, 'By the way'. A few days can make a difference between, 'Oh my god' and a casual 'Oh and so-and-so died'.

Your uncle sounds like a very brave and forward-thinking man -- I'm sorry he's gone.

i am sorry to hear your uncle passed. i agree, maybe your mom was trying to find a way to tell you without disrupting school or causing you more pain by being dramatic. when i was in college my neighbor passed away, this lady was in her 70's and had babysat me my whole life, lived right next to us, we used to play at her house with her grandkids everyday. my mom happened to be visiting me at school and i found an old newspaper in the floor of the truck, and found the obit. When i asked about it, she says "oh yea, she died about 3 weeks ago, i thought i mentioned it, i must have forgot"