TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › Opinions Needed!!!!!!!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Opinions Needed!!!!!!!

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 
I am posting here with some hope that I can get some advice.....

Topic: Teenagers and Sex
Background: 14yr old niece came to me and wanted some advice on how she should deal with her BF pressuring her to to give him, well oral you know.....
My Sister has some friends over on New yrs eve, allowed my niece to have some friends over??? Two boys, one being her little BF and another a really good kid, good friend etc....(she had called each of the parents to advise them of alcohol in the house)
Midnight, My sister allowed them to have a small glass of wine and juice to toast with the adults. So My sister allowed them to watch movie and listen to music in her room - 2 floors above her
I am driving with my niece yesterday after seeing the movie Juno (WOW GREAT FLICK BTW~~), and she comes right out and told me that her little Bf pressured her to do this (she said she felt a bit tipsy from the wine), not only that but in front of her other friend in her room. Refused to allow her to well, dispose after...

ISSUE: OMG she doesn't want me to intervene???????? I told her that she is going to say something to him because what he did was wrong, that he had 0 respect for her and probably will not in the future. And with that he will expect her to become sexually active. She is just heading into her second half of gr 9! she is a good kid, not much trouble, but a little naive. I am lost as to what to do. My gut is telling me to march down there and have a little talk with this kid. She refuses to talk to him, yet feels trapped in a corner. I would tell my sister, but she has a tendency to over react therefore shutting this poor kid up even more. She doesn't trust most adults. I just want her to be safe, responsible and be a KID???
Have any of you faced these issues with your kids? What would you do???
post #2 of 26
Thank goodness your niece has you to talk to! Please just sit down with her and have a talk about sex and love. I wouldn't mention it to sister and talk to her only if/when she brings it up to you.

There are good books out there if you are uncomfortable talking, that you can give to your niece. Knowledge will give her power to make good decisions because she'll know exactly what's going on and won't give into myths.

Personally, I'd show her some graphic pictures of oral and genital STDs.
post #3 of 26
I would have a talk with her and ask her if she really WANTS to do this - if not, then she should tell this boy "no way" - and if he keeps asking, she should dump him. No respectable guy keeps pressuring for sex.

Oral IS sex and it should be intimate - not like a casual handshake thing. Ask her if she wants her first time to be with her husband - to reserve this special gift for someone she really loves and respects.
post #4 of 26
Thread Starter 
So not telling my sister is ok? I can do that, its just hard because we are very close. I am giving my niece the opportunity to advise her "BF" that is not ok to demand such acts from her. Thanks for the advice given, I appreciate it very much =)

I am planning on taking her down to the local family planning clinic and sitting down with a counselor about this issue. They have a lot of good information available. I was quite graphic with her yesterday when we talked, about certain risks etc....
I am hoping that she will not ask me about Birth Control as that may be stepping on toes a bit....
I did mention to my sister that perhaps they should have a sit down with this young boy and advise what is acceptable behavior with my niece. I know my dad did at that age with any boy that was interested~ He took them in the garage and had the talk lol, those boys were sure pale faced as they exited!!!!!
I know this is completely normal situation, but alas I am not a parent (yet) and have not been faced with such a bold topic, specially from my niece, I mean she is still a little girl in my eyes and I feel like I have to protect her....
post #5 of 26
Am I the only one that thinks 14 year olds shouldn't even be dating yet? Or how about the fact this isn't exactly legal in any of the states (at least not any I'm aware of) - were a legal guardian to step in and do something about this...

Tell the your niece the truth - that her boyfriend is a creep for pushing her into this and there's no way he could claim to care about her and do that. She's too young and obviously didn't like being treated that way.
And yes, please tell the mother. It could back fire on your if she finds out you knew what was going on and never told her. If you're worried about this upsetting your niece, maybe you could sit down and discuss this with her and how it would be best not to keep this from her mother.
post #6 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by strange_wings View Post
Am I the only one that thinks 14 year olds shouldn't even be dating yet? Or how about the fact this isn't exactly legal in any of the states (at least not any I'm aware of) - were a legal guardian to step in and do something about this...

Tell the your niece the truth - that her boyfriend is a creep for pushing her into this and there's no way he could claim to care about her and do that. She's too young and obviously didn't like being treated that way.
And yes, please tell the mother. It could back fire on your if she finds out you knew what was going on and never told her. If you're worried about this upsetting your niece, maybe you could sit down and discuss this with her and how it would be best not to keep this from her mother.
No you arent and
post #7 of 26
Whether your niece should be dating or not doesn't matter since she is obviously going to have opportunities, and she is going to have pressure on her from boys, not just this one boy. That's why she needs information to make wise choices and draw boundaries and say no.

It would be best if she would talk to her mom, of course, but for whatever reason she is talking to you. I don't think you ought to lie to your sister and I'd never promote that, but bringing up the subject is another matter. Your niece might have already told your sister she's talked to you, who knows, your sister might be relieved that you are helping the kid out and doesn't want anything to do with the subject.

Your idea of going to the clinic with your niece is a great one, and if you want you can ask your sister if she's like to come along (ask your niece first it that's okay with her).
post #8 of 26
I know you promised to keep this a secret, but I think you should have a discussion with your niece about talking to her mother about this. Then sit down with your sister BEFORE she talks with her daughter and explain to her the idea of NOT overreacting.

Quote:
"I know my dad did at that age with any boy that was interested~ He took them in the garage and had the talk lol, those boys were sure pale faced as they exited!!!!!"
Any chance of grandpa having the same conversation with the BF?

Quote:
"Tell the your niece the truth - that her boyfriend is a creep for pushing her into this and there's no way he could claim to care about her and do that. She's too young and obviously didn't like being treated that way"
Girls don't know how to deal with this type of pressure unless they have an older role model helping them with their decisions. Be very glad she is willing to come to you to talk about it!
post #9 of 26
I don't believe you should be the one to tell your sister. If she gets told, it should be the girl telling her. Let her do it in her own time.

Kids need a safe place and person to speak with. You are this for her. If she doesn't have you and she doesn't feel she can talk with mom, who will she tell all this stuff to? Probably friends and they do not give great advice. She chose you for a reason. That trust is an awesome gift.

Love the clinic idea. She needs to be shown that it is an adult responsibility to have sex and this is what adults have to learn.

Maybe you and she could sit down at a computer together and do some research on STDs. That way she won't think you are simply trying to scare her. Make sure you find some gory photos.

As for the boy, he probably got the idea from friends or from lookin at porn (adult websites) on the 'net. Most of it is like that. Personally, I'd like to take him to a dark alley and make him regret he tried anything with her, but that's me being irrational

My soon-to-be 15 yr old niece has a boyfriend now. She knows to come to me with any concerns. I really hope she does! Don't know how they grow up so fast, but they do
post #10 of 26
I don't have any other advice other than not to tell your sister. It is a good thing that she feels comfortable enough to talk about this with you...so at least she has someone looking after her. If you tell your sister, then she would probably stop talking about it with you and neither you or your sister could be there to give her advice. I started around 14 too.. and I would have been very embarrassed if my mom knew.

I think it would actually be a good idea to get her some birth control pills and condoms... that way at least she will be safe if she does give into pressure again.
post #11 of 26
I agree with those that suggest you NOT tell your sister. My SIL loves her mom very much but was not comfortable talking to her about sexual/private issues (MIL is "old" European). Since she was 12 when John and I got married, when she got older and wanted answers she came to me. I gave her the most honest information I could and now she is in her early forties and still thanks me for being there for her.

I also kept a very open line with our daughter and there were times when some of the questions she asked me made me blush, but I feel she was pretty open with me considering. When she first decided to have sex, she talked to me about it and I told her that although her body may be mature enough, that mentally she needed to be ready for that kind of relationship, i.e., was she sure this was the guy she was going to spend the rest of her life with and that she was pretty young to make that kind of decision.

I think educating your niece and helping her get information is the best way to go. Also birth control information is important.

BTW - our daughter broke up with a fellow in high school because she told me he was pressuring her to do things she didn't think she was ready for which sounds very much like what is happening to your niece.
post #12 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwampWitch View Post
Whether your niece should be dating or not doesn't matter since she is obviously going to have opportunities, and she is going to have pressure on her from boys, not just this one boy. That's why she needs information to make wise choices and draw boundaries and say no.

It would be best if she would talk to her mom, of course, but for whatever reason she is talking to you. I don't think you ought to lie to your sister and I'd never promote that, but bringing up the subject is another matter. Your niece might have already told your sister she's talked to you, who knows, your sister might be relieved that you are helping the kid out and doesn't want anything to do with the subject.

Your idea of going to the clinic with your niece is a great one, and if you
want you can ask your sister if she's like to come along (ask your niece first it that's okay with her).
I second Swampwitche's advice. I would only add that she needs to be talked to about giving to to his pressure, he may put pressure on her to , do drugs, drink ,smoke, steal a car.
post #13 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaylacat View Post
I don't have any other advice other than not to tell your sister.
<snip>
I think it would actually be a good idea to get her some birth control pills and condoms... that way at least she will be safe if she does give into pressure again.
Holy cow. I would be angry beyond words if I found out my sister took my daughter to get birth control without my knowledge.

Thank the Lord that can never happen since I chose to have cats and not kids!
post #14 of 26
When I was younger girls found ways to get birth control without their parents knowing anyway. I'm not sure but I think that if they do go to those clinics they can get it without a parent knowing.

I think it is better for them to have access to it than to end up pregnant or with an STD. 14 is young and parents of course would rather have them wait until they are older, but unfortunately you cannot stop them if they really want to. Better safe than sorry IMO.
post #15 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaylacat View Post
When I was younger girls found ways to get birth control without their parents knowing anyway. I'm not sure but I think that if they do go to those clinics they can get it without a parent knowing.
You're right, unfortunately (IMO) they can. I was just saying that I would be very angry with my sister if she did that without my knowledge.
post #16 of 26
I wouldn't mention anything to the sister yet-it could be looked at as a betrayal of trust, something you will never be able to regain, & something that is very important to anyone. But I would talk honestly to your niece about how conflicted you are about keeping secrets from her Mom, maybe try to help bridge a gap there?
post #17 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaylacat View Post
When I was younger girls found ways to get birth control without their parents knowing anyway. I'm not sure but I think that if they do go to those clinics they can get it without a parent knowing.
I went to the clinic and got on the pill at the age of 15. I was never comfy talking with my mom about anything intimate including sex. I found the counselors there very personable and professional. I felt a lot more "informed" than some of my peers and even my mother. I went along with other friends when they were too afraid to go alone.

Kids are going to experiment with sex. Of course, it is never our own child My mother had no idea. In later years when bits and pieces of all I ever kept from her came out, she was shocked.

Mind you, this was all 25 + years ago but it sounds very similar to what kids experience today. Our memories tend to block out a lot of our teen years - probably for survival
post #18 of 26
In VA you can get BC without a parents knowledge at any health clinic in the area. I think it is great that she has you to talk to...My brother and I had no one but each other to talk to no local family no one...after Dad died mom was so busy hiding herself from reality that I raised my little brother and taught him what he should and shouldnt do. Youre one awesome aunt to take care of your niece like that and I too agree with Swampwitch's advice!
post #19 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bonnie1965 View Post
...Personally, I'd like to take him to a dark alley and make him regret he tried anything with her, but that's me being irrational
That's not irrational at all! If I were this girl's father, I would be on that family's doorstep right now, demanding an immediate conversation with the boy and both parents. And it would conclude with my earnest promise to them all that if that boy so much as thinks about my daughter again, I will personally put an end to his sexual career.

Oral sex IS sex, no matter how the current generation may trivialize it, and as far as I'm concerned, that girl was essentially date-raped. And by refusing to let her "dispose," as you put it, this boy also committed kidnapping or unlawful restraint, I believe. I'm not a lawyer, but I think this boy is on some extremely shaky legal ground... and he's also very clearly on track to become a true rapist.

That's all secondary, of course, to the many ethical and moral issues involved -- but knowing teenage boys, I'm afraid interpersonal issues and deeper thinking may have no impact at all. It may take a legal scare to get through to this kid.

Finally... I can't imagine why parents would ever let their daughter have boys in her bedroom. That's insane. The sister needs some serious talking-to as well.
post #20 of 26
Not only can you get BC without parents knowledge in many states, but you can get an abortion without parents knowledge in some states!
post #21 of 26
As DH said about my little sisters boyfriend, he would cut his "little peepee off" if he ever did anything like that to her. . .

If I were you I would march straight over to his house and threaten not only his "little peepee" but his parents LIFE if he EVER did it again . . . That is so wrong, and do educate her. I think the current statistic is 1 in 8 highschool age students have an STD. . . that is scary, and disgusting.

I hope everything works out for the best, and she learns from the experience. . . .let us know how it works out!

p.s. sounds like your sister needs some advice in what is appropriate and what is not as well but that is just IMO
post #22 of 26
There are so many things about this that bother me, I'm not sure where to start. Ok, first of all, you're sister had her 14 year old daughter boyfriend over (along with 2 other friends) and left them unsupervised 2 floors up? I understand they don't want their mother hanging around, but at least keep them on the same floor so she can at least check in on them, or listen to see what is going on. And then, she gives them wine, and sends them up to watch a movie??? No offense to your sister, but what was she thinking???

Yes, I was allowed a glass of wine or champange when I was that age for special occassions, but that was with family and I DEFINITELY wasn't allowed to disappear with my boyfriend afterwards.

Its great that she has you to talk to, but I would definitely tell her mother. I would sit your niece down first and explain why. Explain that you are not betraying her, but that her mother needs to know that she is growing up. Sometimes I think parents don't have the right perspective about their kids. You sister may still be seeing the little girl that played with barbie dolls, and not the young woman she has become, and didn't even think of the possibility of what could happen.

Basically, I think your niece needs more supervision. I'm not saying that she is bad, but you said yourself that she is naive. That is where parents come in to structure what is allowed in their house.

I'm not even going to go into what I think should be done to the boy.
post #23 of 26
Oh my goodness no kidding "thank goodness she came to you"!!!! What if she didn't and he took this so far as to rape her!!!! Something must be done about this!
post #24 of 26
Please do not tell your sister. Please give her the chance to do it herself. You are her haven right now, and it would be a much bigger betrayal to tell. Eventually your sister will be glad some one had her child's interest at heart. This may be an embarrassing thing to get round at school. I hope it will not, but it is a possiblilty. Someone must show her how to hold her up, throw her shoulders back and act like it never happened. It sounds like she is asking for it to be you. You could be this little girl's salvation. I sure wish I had had one.
post #25 of 26
I have a question...did she come to you before this happened and then it happened...or afterwards? Sorry, I'm a bit dense.

Also, I'm not sure about clinics in Canada, but ones in the US would possibly be more likely to push condoms than helping a girl stand up to peer pressure.

I'm glad she came to you - she's definitely not happy she did it, and, while I'm not sure exactly what to advise (cripes, I've got a 9th grader ) I think that she's looking for help from you on how to NOT do it again.
post #26 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sadie'sMom View Post
... and she comes right out and told me that her little Bf pressured her to do this (she said she felt a bit tipsy from the wine), not only that but in front of her other friend in her room. Refused to allow her to well, dispose after..???
I agree with what SwampWitch said talking to her about venereal diseases and with everyone else who said she should be encouraged to tell her mother herself. (If you do the talking, that will effectively end your role as a confidant, which I think your niece really needs.)

What disturbs me about this is that the act ocurred in front of another person??!! This boy has issues, and it seems your niece is willing to give into him. I would make it clear to your niece that pushing her to do the act was not OK to begin with, but the fact that he wanted this in front of another person IS NOT NORMAL AT ALL. She must understand that although she thinks she cares for this person, he is not acting like he truly cares for or respects her at all. Wow - that guy is a CREEP!!!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Cat Lounge
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › Opinions Needed!!!!!!!