(a friend sent this to me... some of these antics sound rather familiar)
.... from a Kitty Cat:
I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the
speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
I also will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters) stay in the house and
any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not
allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put
in the fish tank.
I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have
sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.
I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to
sleep once in a while.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in
its bowl.
I will not put a live vole in my food bowl and expect it to stay
there until I get hungry.
I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off
of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they
adhere to the underside.
I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing
things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of
the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!", "BITER!!!", and "GET
HELP!!!!!"
I promise I will meditate more closely upon the causal relationship
between going dumpster diving on Sunday afternoon and projectile
vomiting Monday, and being brought to the Evil Place Where They Stick
Things Up My Butt on Tuesday evening. I realize that if I hadn't done
the first, none of the other things would have happened.
I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the
nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.
I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they
chase me or how hard they pull my tail.
If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the
scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse
is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it
isn't as tasty.
I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will
not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor
afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in
the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used
socks, dirty panties or hair scrunchies when my humans take the
catnip toy away from me.
After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of a larger, but
equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the bed, smell
where he's been, and then jealously pee there to eradicate his traces.
A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.
After my human washes and polishes the kitchen floor is not the time
to go running by as it will cause the refrigerator to run into me, I
will have to look indignant, and chastize it for ill behavior.
I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important
emio gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
Have a good New Year!
.... from a Kitty Cat:
I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the
speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
I also will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters) stay in the house and
any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not
allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put
in the fish tank.
I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have
sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.
I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to
sleep once in a while.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in
its bowl.
I will not put a live vole in my food bowl and expect it to stay
there until I get hungry.
I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off
of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they
adhere to the underside.
I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing
things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of
the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!", "BITER!!!", and "GET
HELP!!!!!"
I promise I will meditate more closely upon the causal relationship
between going dumpster diving on Sunday afternoon and projectile
vomiting Monday, and being brought to the Evil Place Where They Stick
Things Up My Butt on Tuesday evening. I realize that if I hadn't done
the first, none of the other things would have happened.
I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the
nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.
I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they
chase me or how hard they pull my tail.
If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the
scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse
is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it
isn't as tasty.
I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will
not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor
afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in
the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used
socks, dirty panties or hair scrunchies when my humans take the
catnip toy away from me.
After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of a larger, but
equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the bed, smell
where he's been, and then jealously pee there to eradicate his traces.
A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.
After my human washes and polishes the kitchen floor is not the time
to go running by as it will cause the refrigerator to run into me, I
will have to look indignant, and chastize it for ill behavior.
I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important
emio gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
Have a good New Year!
