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Biological dad...

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
I've never met my real father and actually have no desire to - I have a really good supportive, loving step-father and so don't feel anything missing in my life, but I wouldn't mind meeting my paternal grandmother, that is, if she's still alive...

So, after looking over the internet and not finding her address I looked for my father's and found his. I'm going to send the letter to him in care of her and I'm going to use my M.I.L.'s return address, since I don't feel safe using my own. (he's called my mother's house lots when I was a child and they sent unwanted gifts, which I had to return out of my own free will and because of this gesture, when I was 11 or 12, she might not want to talk to me). I know it's illegal to open others mail, so unless she has passed on, I doubt he will open it, but he probably will bug her for info about it.

This little venture into my ancestry has never plagued me. I've never felt that I 'should' be in contact with them cause I thought if I did do that, I'd have to talk with my 'father'. But I know he never cared for me much, he wanted me to be a boy (one of those men). And he wanted me to be named after him no matter what sex I turned out to be. But, mom divorced him and life went on, then one day when I was 10 he crashed his precious bike and while in the hospital, he realized he had a daughter in the world (I know, boo hoo), so he started phoning and phoning and refused to let my step-dad adopt me and talked about me as if I was his only possession keeping him alive, he's a real weirdo and I don't want to encourage a relationship with him at all, but mom suggested that I should not put the whole family down because of him and should try talking to my grandmother. I know this will all end up in me talking to him, but if it's only in letters, then I can cut it off anytime, right?

Have any of you dealt with matters such as this?
post #2 of 8
Oh, you'd be surprised how many people will open other's mail, law or no. And anyway, if he gets the return address, he might start bugging your MIL. But it's still a good idea, I just would suggest that you get a small PO box. My dad is out of his head, and unfortunately I suffered through living with him for several years, but I treasure my relationships with his side of the family. I had breakfast with both my grandmothers yesterday, and it was wonderful. Go for it!
post #3 of 8
I haven't seen mine, in 30 years. He's got my stepmother, adopted daughter and a son. He doesn't want or need my brothers and me. His loss. I buy Father's Day cards, for my stepfather.

You might want to find out about family medical history, though. I contacted Daddy, a couple of years ago. I knew that his mother was diabetic but I wanted to know about any other hereditary conditions. He DID write back and gave me the info.

He had the nerve, to tell one of my brothers, that he had been sending birthday and Christmas presents, care of Mom, all these years and Mom must have been throwing them away. Right! The last card came in 1985 and Mom called me right away. I told her to toss it.
post #4 of 8
He sounds like my daughter's father. I would leave this alone. I am afraid nothing good can come of it.
If you do decide to do it, a post office box is definitely the way to go.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.
post #5 of 8
I personally have never had to go through any of this, but it is one thing that I worry about with my baby brother Marc (BTW he's 17...but he's still my baby bro!). My parents were unable to have more children after they had me and we on adoption lists for years. When I was 8, one of my Mom's co-workers at a factory asked her if she'd like to adopt the child she was carrying. She was due in 6 weeks. Mom and Dad jumped at the opportunity to have another child and went through the whole legal procedures. The day he was born, he was signed over to my folks. That was the last day Marc's biological mother has seen him. We were told that after Marc was born, she went to California and had several babies that she sold on the "black market" A few years ago, she moved to a neighboring town..got married and had more kids. At this point we have no idea how many biological siblings he may have. We have not spoken, written or communicated with her since May 8, 1985. We told Marc that he was adopted when he was 5 and we told him that it was ok if he wanted to meet his biological mother (she claims she didn't know who the father was). He holds some anger against her, but he realizes that she may have given him life...but we give him love now, then and forvever. He said that he might want to meet her someday mainly to meet his siblings, but not to get to know her...but he could change his mind.
It worries me that he's almost 18 years old and he might want to get involved with her. She is a very unstable woman (obviously) and I'm afraid that it will hurt him more in the end. I worry that he knows nothing about medical history and that someday he might need this.
Tamme, I truly hope that you are careful when it comes to all of this. I would hate to see you hurt by what might happen. I wish you the very best of luck and support you in what ever you may choose to do. This is definitely a hard situation and one that you had no choice in when you were born. Good luck Hon...please keep me posted, ok? I'm very curious about it since one day this might happen to my family.
post #6 of 8
Thread Starter 
[size=large]WillieWZ- thank-you, I think I will get a p.o. box. I never understood why people would want to get one of those until today. It is safe and I shouldn't have any problems, unless he's waiting there one day, but hubby seriously doubts he would come down here (he lives in Comox B.C. about a 3 hour drive from here).[/size]

[size=large]Krazy Kat2- I have left this alone for quite some time, thinking it would be best to just leave it where it is. But I should get in contact with my paternal grandmother, or at least try. It's not her fault what her son is like...[/size]

[size=large]Shell, what happened to your baby brother sounds horrible, does he know of all this? Why did you say you adopted him at 5 and not at birth? I'm glad he's got the life he has now, rather than what could have been waiting for him if she decided to keep him, or change her mind a little later. Well, he's your baby brother but he's the eldest in that family. One day he might want to get to know her, but if not her, then perhaps his siblings. I doubt he will ever be able to find any of them, but it would prove a good search.[/size]

[size=large]I guess that co-worker of your mom's saw an opportunity to make some 'easy' money and jumped on it. It's sad, but hopefully all those kids have excellent lives and have made many families happy. [/size]

[size=large]katl8e, I have always wondered what my medical history was, but mom always said it was fine, I guess I should find out for sure eh? Thanks for the kick in the butt![/size]

[size=large]Well, I've waited long enough to get to know them, I will try to get to know 'grama' and avoid 'papa' but the chance of that happening is slim. Thank-you all for your advice and your warnings, I will keep you posted as to what happens. (ugh to think he lives so close is a little more than disconcerning) [/size]
post #7 of 8
My folks adopted him at birth, but we didn't tell him that he was adopted until he was 5. We didn't think that he would understand it if we told him sooner than that and even at 5 years old it was hard to understand.
Actually, Marc is not the oldest of the siblings. She had an 18 month old son John when Marc was born. She kept John even though she couldn't afford it. Even though I was only 8, I remember stopping by her house with my Mom to discuss legal matters. John did not have a crib...he slept in a dresser drawer! It was so sad to see that and it probably would have been better if she would have given him up for adoption too. From what I've been told, when she moved back to Nebraska she got married and had 2 or 3 more kids...plus several kids in California.
Marc knows everything about his adoption..we've kept nothing from him. His main concern (our family too!) is the medical history and he wants to meet his siblings. He has never had a "brother" in our family...it's just us 2. He knows that I'll be supportive in what ever he chooses to do, but it also knows that if anything bad would happen I would be the first to defend him. I'm a nice person, but when it comes to hurting my family...I get very mad and will not take it. My family is #1 to me and I'd fight to the end for them.

Tamme, do you think it would be a good idea to talk to a lawyer about this? What I mean by that is...maybe there are legal issues that you can take if you run into some problems with him. You say that he is a "weirdo" and I would take some precautions since he isn't "normal". Do you know what I mean? It's hard to put it into words...
I wish you the best of luck and tell us all know what happens.
Take care of yourself, ok?
post #8 of 8
Tamme, I think the P.O. Box idea is great!!! That way if it gets out of hand, you can cancel the PO box and his letters will not go anywhere. I wish you all the luck with this!!! I hope you can meet your grandma!!! Please keep us posted, I will be thinking about this!!! Shell...that is really sad what Marcs biological mother has done! Selling children on the black market and all....that is just awful!!!!!! He is so lucky he has such a wonderful caring family as you all are!!!!
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