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Need some family advice

post #1 of 10
Thread Starter 
Let me say this up front: I love(d) my in-laws, and have often said so. They've done a lot for me, and I for them.

Problem: they live 3 hours away. I hate to travel, and part of the problem with going there is that they live in the mountains, and I have a phobia about heights--really bad phobia. I dread going there because of this--not because I didn't want to see my in-laws (in fact, I recently mentioned this to my MIL; keep this in mind). DH goes to see them every month or so. I usually don't go, as his Mom always seems to be working, so he and his Dad plan to do guy stuff together, so I didn't feel too bad about not going then (and I thought this was understood by them.) And, DH often announces he's going to see them a couple of days before, and I've planned to do stuff I need to do around the house, so I don't go. I mean, it' 6 hours TRAVEL time alone, never mind the visit.

They just visited us a few weeks back, for our Christmas. Everything seemed really nice, we had a great time.

Well, DH wanted to visit over the holidays. Ok, we're to go tomorrow. I wasn't crazy about it; I've been on vacation, and just haven't done things I need to do, that I had planned. (This is the 1st time in 20 years I haven't taken my usual long Xmas vacation, and I just don't feel rested.) Also, MIL wants a family portrait taken, and I HATE getting my pic taken; and, my skin this week has broken out in huge, red bumps. This morning, I woke up with swollen glands, and feeling as if I'm coming down with something, and have been getting light-headed all day. I mentioned this to DH , and told him, if I felt reallt sick in the morning, I'd rather not go; he could go without me, if he wanted to, and we'd go some other time soon. Wrong thing to say; we've had a HUGE fight the past 3 hours. Apparently, MIL is very angry at me, as they "have to come down here all the time"--not true, it just happened that way this year. She told him, "If she doesn't come up this time, I want nothing ever to do with her again.". Ok, I can understand they want to see me, and can see how perhaps they MAYBE think I don't like them--well, not really, as I've done so many little things for them, and show my pleasure in their company when I do see them, etc., and have always said they were the family I never had. But, I think her comment was rotten. I don't think just because you're disappointed in someone, whom you claim you like so much, that you can just pull the rug out from under them. I must admit, her comment angers me a LOT, and makes me think a lot differently about my in-laws. Also, after my fight with DH (who seems to think everyone goes out of their way to please me, but I don't do anything for them), I wondered why I married this mama's boy. I always loved that his parents were so important to him, but he's married now. Who should come first? I really think they are more important to him, than me--and, if the chips were down, he'd side with them. Honestly, I don't think he even realizes this, nor didn't when he married me. But, I have to face it, I guess. Am I wrong to ask that, if his Mom says she may move in with us (she had a good job offer near here, and thought she could live here during the week, and commmute home on the days off), that my opinion should be solicited first (I would've said "Yes" anyway, but still...)?

Thanks for letting me vent!
post #2 of 10
My first thought was what is your husband telling them about why you aren't there.

I hear you about the Momma's boy thing. It can be very frustrating at time.

Yes your hubby should talk with you before answering to his mom if she can stay there.

I think you should visit tomorrow and then sit down and have a nice long talk with your husband.
post #3 of 10
My SO's mother is the same way. He moved from Ca to Az with me and she wasn't too happy. Her baby was being taken away. It's a 5 hour drive which I hate so I feel your pain. As I get terribly car sick. We weren't even supposed to go there for the Holidays and she threw a fit saying how last year we spent it with my family ignoring the fact that we were there for Thanksgiving only weeks before.

While we were there for that the shock of the extreme cold there made me terribly sick. She is going through menopause and therefore every door/window is open. Prolly not good for someone who is sick so I offer to stay at my grandparents he can stay with his fam. She took total offense to it and before we were to head out for Christmas she makes it a point to inform SO that it is now cold enough that she has the heater on so I don't have to run off elsewhere to sleep.

In conclusion I feel your pain girl. I think it all boils down to no matter how hard you try in a mothers eyes another woman will ever be enough for her baby boy. I also think it is the man's job to be fully honest with the in-laws not just feed into the crazy notions that MIL can cook up. Hope that helps
post #4 of 10
I can understand you don't like to travel and are afraid of heights. I'm the same way. I HATE driving on the interstates, and if possible, before I go on a trip I try to get some calming nerve medicine from my doctor. Not something that knocks me out, just something to take the edge off. If you don't have that, could you maybe take something to sleep through the trip so it doesn't bother you too much?

Honestly, I think you should go. You don't want to put your husband in the position to chose between you or his family. I understand, you are his family now. But, you also married into HIS family. And if it is important to him, it should be important to you.

It sound like you get out of most of the visits during the rest of the year. If they want you to come and visit over the holidays and your husband wants you to go, I think you should. Family is give and take. You do things you may not want to do, but you do them anyway. Even if it is just to keep peace between your husband and his parents. I say just suck it up and make the best of it.
post #5 of 10
I can understand where theyare coming from. I would be angry too if I always had to travel to see my bf's family, because they didn't want to make the trip to see me. I think it's only fair that you split the travel. Everyone has to do things they don't like sometimes, you just have to suck it up and get it over with. Once your there you'll probably have lots of fun. I wouldn't read to much into your mother in law's comment about disowning you. She probably was just upset when she found out that you weren't coming again. If I were you I'd just disregard it, everyone says things they don't really mean once in awhile.
post #6 of 10
Unless your MIL is saying directly to you that she's disowning you, then don't take it too harsh. A lot of times in my family it only takes 1 person to screw up the message.

Also, don't put your DH in the middle between his family and yours. His family came as part of the marriage. I'd say just can always clean the house the next day.
post #7 of 10
If you can, I would go on this trip. You know your reasons why you find it difficult to go, but for your DH's family, it may seem that you just don't want to go.

Also be careful not to make this an issue of choosing sides. You will be important to your DH, but so will his family and he shouldn't be in a position of having to choose one "side" over the other. You are all very important people in his life and he will have to learn to balance the competing issues that involves.

You are right, he should talk to you in advance whether his family could stay with you during the week. But treat that as a separate issue rather than rolling it up with this one.

Family situations can be so difficult, I hope that you can all put this behind you.

Have a good trip if you decide to go.
post #8 of 10
If you can go, go - then you can talk to her face-to-face and explain to her how you're feeling. And it sounds to me like your hubby needs a kick up the backside too - he should have consulted you first, even if it wasn't going to be a problem, it's just common courtesy to ask. He really has to think before just opening his mouth, even to his mother, because now that you are married, you should be the one coming first. He's a mammas boy, right enough. Time to cut those apron strings.
post #9 of 10
I agree that you should go to the in-laws even though it is hard for you to be in the car and are afraid of heights. The in-laws won't be there forever, so it is nice to have them want you to come.
As for the family pic, hmmm... I wonder if your face broke out and your glands are swollen because you don't want to have your picture taken. You can be honest and tell them that you hate to have your picture taken but they might to try to talk you into it. It might be more PC to say that my face is so blotchy that I prefer not to be in the picture.
post #10 of 10
I think you should go, have a wonderful visit and be as pleasant as possible.I see your point that the travel makes you feel uncomfortable. I think your Mil "s feeling are hurt. If she did say what you Dh said it was out of hurt. Sometimes we need to put a smile on our face, and do things were not happy about.
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