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An odd situation (a little advice?)

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
Here's the situation:

I have a friend, active Navy, nice guy. TOO nice, IMO, because he's far too complacent for me, even if he was entirely single. Which he's not. I've known him since grade school, but lost contact for a fair chunk of our adult lives. He was serving in Iraq when I moved to Portland, but his wife and stepdaughter were living here. I didn't know much about their marriage at the time. Since moving here, he's helped me find stuff (when my van was out of comm. he helped me shop for a dining table at thrift stores, etc), and thus we've talked about life, his marriage, and all that. At one point, he asked me 'if I were single, would you date me?'

I said no, for a few reasons. One, he's military. I've had bad experiences with military men (abuse, etc). Two, there's that whole friend thing. I cannot (no matter what) see any of my male friends as potential suitors. They're my buddies, not romantic interests. And even if I did, I'm not even remotely attracted to him. And the whole 'spineless when it comes to women' thing... I'm a strong, somewhat assertive woman, and seem to attract men who want to be lorded over. Which i refuse to do. I want my equal, not a servant.

Fast forward to a few months ago. His wife (not a nice person, takes advantage of his softness) serves him separation papers and takes off with kid and dogs. He has finally come to the realization that her 'indefinite separation' is a ploy to wait for his retirement pay in a few years. He's serving divorce papers. You can probably see where this is going...

He asked me over for Christmas dinner, presumably with a couple other friends. I didn't feel like going, and instead had a small turkey and a couple of my other friends came over (that was actually last minute, but the turkey was planned). Then, he calls to ask if i want to come over for dinner New Years Eve. a few small alarm bells start going off. I told him I wasn't sure how late I'd be working that night and I'd let him know. Honestly, I kinda hope I'm working a closing shift at the store... and that it goes until 9 pm. I don't think it will, but I sort of hope.

He knows I have no interest in dating him... but he's brought up, while we reminisce about school days, how everyone figured we'd end up together, etc...

this, plus the impending divorce on his part, and all the other chatter, has me a little freaked out. Okay, more than a little. Honestly, I'd rather stay home that night and celebrate by myself. I don't 'do' NYE like I used to... and i don't feel comfortable going over to his house and having dinner... those alarm bells keep going off...

What do you all think?
post #2 of 15
Just deadpan tell him, "Look, I want to be friends and nothing more." Just lay it out assertively. Then tell him how you value his friendship. If he still pushes the issue, then you need to put him in "time out." Just sever all contact with him for a bit, he will get the message.
post #3 of 15
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spyral View Post
Just deadpan tell him, "Look, I want to be friends and nothing more." Just lay it out assertively. Then tell him how you value his friendship. If he still pushes the issue, then you need to put him in "time out." Just sever all contact with him for a bit, he will get the message.
I'll get a nice reprieve in a couple months... he's being transferred to Bremerton...

I'm kind of relying on him for one thing: to help solve a computer problem. Now, I can probably do this on my own. He says the problem is all in how things are partitioned... but I don't think that's all... this computer has been 'partitioned' this way for a lot longer than I've had the main problem. I'm guessing there's still a motherboard problem (this is on my other desktop computer). I have no desire to fix the piece of junk. I can spend the exact same amount of money, if not less, and get a huge (as in several hundred Gb) external HD and attach it to my Mac (the one I'm on now), and find a way to transfer the data. I know it can be done. I just need the external HD. I'm wiped due to car bills, although hopefully after a month or so, I can get it and take care of this.

So, I don't NEED him for this... but he's free, which is all I can afford right now. I'm tempted to just handle it on my own...

I've told him I have no interest. He just doesn't listen. I'm glad he's moving... REALLY glad. He's a nice guy, but... (there are so many ways i can finish that, but you don't need to know them all ).

Thanks...

Amanda
post #4 of 15
Simple...follow your instincts. If it doesn't feel right don't do it.

Being honest is good too. Tell him what you told us. I think this is very well stated here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RubSluts'Mommy View Post

Honestly, I'd rather stay home that night and celebrate by myself. I don't 'do' NYE like I used to... and i don't feel comfortable going over to his house and having dinner
post #5 of 15
Not all military men are abusive. Mine isn't. Temperment just depends on the individual person- so you can't base them being in the military as a foundation for them to be abusive.

It sounds like you really do not want a relationship with him. Guys can sometimes be a little hard to persuade so you need to be upfront and honest with him. Be firm but polite- but let him know you are not interested in anything other than friendship with him if that's how you truely feel. Good luck honStand your ground.
post #6 of 15
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR View Post
Not all military men are abusive. Mine isn't. Temperment just depends on the individual person- so you can't base them being in the military as a foundation for them to be abusive.

It sounds like you really do not want a relationship with him. Guys can sometimes be a little hard to persuade so you need to be upfront and honest with him. Be firm but polite- but let him know you are not interested in anything other than friendship with him if that's how you truely feel. Good luck honStand your ground.
I know they all aren't. But due to what the ex did, I still equate ex-military with his type. he was enlisted, gunners mate, alcoholic (I was his first girlfriend after sobering up), and not the most honest person on the planet. he'd sooner lie and get his way. but that's a whole other thread (he still plays psychological games with us exes... yes, I know another one... she's married to a good friend).

Back to the current situation...

"M" is a nice guy, but I have no interest. Never have. he knows this, but still tries... he seems to think that now he's free, I'll change my mind... which I won't. I've been keeping my distance because his wife is psycho and may misconstrue our friendship as an affair. So I'm perfectly content going back to emails... sometimes I think he's been dinged in the head a few too many times in Iraq (was in Gulf war as well as three times in this one).

Gee... no wonder I like the hippie types so much... so NOT military...

Thanks everyone so far... I needed to talk about this...

Amanda
post #7 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by RubSluts'Mommy View Post
I'll get a nice reprieve in a couple months... he's being transferred to Bremerton...

I'm kind of relying on him for one thing: to help solve a computer problem. Now, I can probably do this on my own. He says the problem is all in how things are partitioned... but I don't think that's all... this computer has been 'partitioned' this way for a lot longer than I've had the main problem. I'm guessing there's still a motherboard problem (this is on my other desktop computer). I have no desire to fix the piece of junk. I can spend the exact same amount of money, if not less, and get a huge (as in several hundred Gb) external HD and attach it to my Mac (the one I'm on now), and find a way to transfer the data. I know it can be done. I just need the external HD. I'm wiped due to car bills, although hopefully after a month or so, I can get it and take care of this.

So, I don't NEED him for this... but he's free, which is all I can afford right now. I'm tempted to just handle it on my own...

I've told him I have no interest. He just doesn't listen. I'm glad he's moving... REALLY glad. He's a nice guy, but... (there are so many ways i can finish that, but you don't need to know them all ).

Thanks...

Amanda

By all means, be honest with him. You don't like him "in that way", tell him that. Then tell him you need him to fix your computer cuz he's free. And after that be sure to tell him you are REALLY glad he is moving. Sorry....beat me up now, everyone! Sounds like an easy problem to solve....tell him all of that and I bet he WILL leave you alone.
post #8 of 15
If those alarm bells are going off, listen to them. I didn't in my last relationship, and I ended up in a world of hurt that I never could have imagined, even in my scariest dreams.

Those instincts are there for a reason: I learned that lessson the hard way...

It seems as if you've done evverything you could to let this guy know you're not interested in him that way. If he can't take no for an answer, that's his problem - not yours. What part of no does he not understand?? He sounds rather "clingy" & needy to me - and that's usually a sign of an abusive person. I'm not saying he IS abusive, but based on past experiences, clingy, needy men usually are. I'd be running for the hills myself..

I don't know what more you can do to convince the guy that you're not interested than you already have.


~KK~
post #9 of 15
Definately tell him your not interested. Don't give him any "false" hope by accepting a "date" no matter how bad you may feel for him. Better to just make it very clear from the start.
post #10 of 15
You must be very clear with him tht you are not interested in a relationship, and even though you value his friendship, that is all it will ever be. And be sure to include how much you appreciate the things like working on your computer, etc, that he has done for you.
If you know he is a good guy, maybe you know someone that may be interested that you could introduce him to.
This is a tough one. It can be very hard to get your point across and not hurt his feelings or make him feel like he is not good enough or even worse tht he has been used. We know you would not do that, the male ego can be fragile and take things wrong sometimes. Please keep us posted on how things go.
post #11 of 15
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by krazy kat2 View Post
You must be very clear with him tht you are not interested in a relationship, and even though you value his friendship, that is all it will ever be. And be sure to include how much you appreciate the things like working on your computer, etc, that he has done for you.
If you know he is a good guy, maybe you know someone that may be interested that you could introduce him to.
This is a tough one. It can be very hard to get your point across and not hurt his feelings or make him feel like he is not good enough or even worse tht he has been used. We know you would not do that, the male ego can be fragile and take things wrong sometimes. Please keep us posted on how things go.
If I knew anyone, I'd introduce him, once he's completely single. the divorce isn't final. Heck, he hasn't even served the papers yet. I also firmly believe that he needs some time out in the 'single and dating' world, living alone or with roommates, and adjust to that. Same goes for another male friend back east... his divorce is finalizing soon and he's jumping into another relationship already... I wonder if they're just afraid of being alone. I grew up very independent (despite having siblings) and have no problems being alone. You could say I thrive on it.

I just got a notice from Classmates (which is where he tracked me down a few years back to reconnect) that his birthday is tomorrow... this is the Navy friend... erg... I think an e-card will work...

Amanda
post #12 of 15
Don't encourage him. Just ignore the birthday, an e-card would just add fuel to the fire (so to speak.) I think sending him one would make it too easy for him to misconstrue the intentions.
post #13 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pookie-poo View Post
Don't encourage him. Just ignore the birthday, an e-card would just add fuel to the fire (so to speak.) I think sending him one would make it too easy for him to misconstrue the intentions.


If you're already having a difficult time convincing him you don't want more than friendship, sending him a e-card will just misconstrue your intentions.

The fact that he's not even divorced yet and is so ready to jump into another relationship just further proves to me that he is a needy, clingy person. He should give himself time to re-adjust and all, before he jumps into another relationship. You, or anyone else, would just be a re-bound thing. Not good, in my book..

~KK~
post #14 of 15
Thread Starter 
Thank you, everyone... I'm glad I'm not the only one who was thinking this would be a bad thing... I just need to keep myself 'occupied' until he moves... he's been a good friend, but it's a bad spot now since he's going to be single... I will be able to breathe easier when he's finally transferred. He's not going terribly far (Bremerton, WA), but it's far enough. nearly three hours drive.

Now I just need to make myself busy NYE... of course, I can use the excuse of editing... drinking... more editing... waking up the next morning to look at my previous nights' editing and wondering what the %^$#$@#%$ I was doing.... (bought a 4 pack of mini champagne bottles... maybe I will stay up)

not to mention the desire to stay off the roads due to drunk drivers... a very good reason to stay HOME.

Amanda
post #15 of 15
I think you've had a lot of good advice I was going to add that you should just sit him down and tell him in plain English that you're not comfortable - if he really is a good friend he'd understand and accept that fact.
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