whisper freedom

i need to get away from this place, this town.

every street has a memory, and every memory has a bad ending,
and i cant breathe knowing i cant undo those memories,
i cant change things.

i cant change myself amidst so much familiarity & pain.

i go to my favourite beach and can only remember the day
i spent with him there, the day he saw my scars for the first
time and cried into my hands for the pure beauty of my life,
and his, together in union and love.

but now he is dead to me, only there is no grave stone i can
visit and kiss and whisper goodbye to, it exists only in my heart,
in my very soul,
and i wake to the absence of him every morning.

i can't whisper goodbye, and feel freedom, even if i burn
my heart, catch a fire, catch a storm there, he survives me.

every road here is a road i have traveled before, and there
are only one-way streets left to consider...

but how far can one go on a one-way street?

it's time to move on, move away and not look back.

i know if i stay here i will not grow, i will not catch that
sun in my hair because i will not go outside, it's been too
real, the air across my skin, the rain in my bones, the
sun in my smile, so real it seemed unreal, and i was undeserving
of such life.

but the ocean is calling to me again, reassuring me that i
can move forward, allowing me to begin again and smile knowing
i am strong enough.

i have never been so unhappy, so utterly sullen and depraved,
as i have been these past two years.

i hold my breath for days sometimes wondering if i can break
that which chains me down.

but it holds me still and i need to dance with it first before
i can break it.

whisper freedom for me, until i can stand on my own and
scream at the height of my lungs, and the depth of my soul;
i am free.

i am leaving, as fast as i can,

tell life i am coming.

Very nice. Just out of curiosity, who is this written about? Where is HE now? I'd like to hear the history of these feelings birth.

Speaking of writing metaphoricly, you do it VERY well yourself.

it's not entirely about him, it's also about the
fact that i am moving away, to another city in a few short weeks.

(i didnt mean to write it as verse, just as a regular post,
but that happens to me all the time...)

moving away from here, and from those memories, ones that
only bring pain & sorrow, ones i cant build my life around.

i dont know where he is now, i think he's in a beautiful little
town about 6 or 7 hours from here.

i dont know what he's doing with his life now, or who he is now,
i dont know him anymore.

the history is that i broke his heart and he broke mine,
and that is how we are bound together now.

the history is in everything i write. read through the lines, between them,
that's where i am unraveled.

so, wish me luck on my move,
i just hate moving, especially far away,
so much furniture to move, and the cats...

it's a nightmare!

i'm going back to the ocean, where i once lived,
i told her i would come back, and i think the time is now.

If you don't mind me asking, where are you moving from and to? Are you making this move alone (aside from your furballs)?

I live near the Atlantic ocean, and oft times, I find just sitting and staring at it waves, the dolphins playing at the surface and the ships in the distances to be a very good form of therapy. Or retrospect, if you will..

Well, good luck with your move. Moving is such a pain in the rear. I hate moving, but, ironicly, am the one out of everyone I know, who has moved around the most.

Chuck

i'm hoping to move back to Vancouver Island - to Victoria to be exact,
i've lived there a few times before, and it's where my sister & brother are.

i dont know if i'm going alone... my roomate may be coming with me,
but it's up in the air.

god, i'm terrified in so many ways, and excited in others.

as a 'friend' once told me blue......

'keep the faith'.........

edge of the abyss


sometimes i feel life's passed me by
i look at myself, and just want to cry
i'm not the person i used to be
strong and independent, that once, was me

i've gotten so tired.. of the daily fight
seems no matter what i do, i can't 'see the light'
with two steps forward, then ten steps back
whatever i need, seems always i lack

my load gets heavier, my back more weak
with each new day , the more i seek
each time i think i've found the 'end'..
i find more troubles beyond the bend

each time i think the plan succeeds
my 'flower garden' is smothered with 'weeds'..
each time i pluck one, from the soil
two more grow up, is endless toil

am 'drowning' slowly, can get no air
the 'pit' gets deeper, can't climb 'up there'
am suffocating, the walls close in
seems losing battle.. i cannot win

with each new day, when the sun comes up
i'm feeling more like a 'poor whipped pup'
beat and abused, dragged on the ground
my 'heart' beats faint, my 'life force' is down

thought i was survivor, thought always was 'strong'
but here now again, i'm proven most wrong
i did keep on hoping, tried 'keeping the faith'
but the burden's so heavy, am giving in to the weight

don't know how much longer i'll keep on with the fight
so tempting to give up, and yes.. i just might
i'm so tired of the 'battles'.. i can't win the 'war'..
i'm worn and so weary..i can't take much more

i cannot survive .. in the condition i am
and i really don't want to.. i don't 'give a damn'
where once i could choose, down which path i would go
seems i don't have a choice now, and this road i don't know

can ask for directions.. should i turn left or right?
but the 'route' never takes me.. where i can reach the light
life's 'highway' seems endless, with no rest stops in sight
and i am so weary.. can't keep up the fight

i need a 'safe haven'.. shelter from the 'storm'
a place to find comfort, protected and warm
to just rest my weary self, wrapped in a cocoon
to emerge as a butterfly.. i hope someday soon

as the legendary 'phoenix'.. rises up once again
i hope the day soon comes, when i'm not what i've been
when i can break free.. of my 'bondage' on earth
to soar like an eagle, and not question my worth


gata.. for gata.. 01/13/00
copyright (c) 2000 wordsmythe expressions

Yuck! Moving! I'm just glad my moving days are over (touch wood). Yeah, I've moved way too often. The very thought of moving brings on daymares. I pity anyone who's moving, even if it's to a "better" place!



=^..^=