first post -- i lost my beautiful girl and I feel guilty

I feel so ashamed of myself and stupid for what I have done.

I loved my beautiful kitty. She was 20 years old and had kidney failure and I had been giving her subcu fluids every day for 4 years, as well as dealing with brief but acute medical episodes once a year or so. As you can imagine, this meant I was tied to the house a bit, but I didn't mind because I loved caring for her. She was quite needy for belly rubs and general affection. Since I work at home, she became very dependent on me. When I went on a 2-week trip last year I had a cat sitter come daily to give fluids, but with just a half hour of attention, she was very disturbed when I got home. She needed my affection.

And I needed to be free to leave this place for a longer time. She was not well enough to have the shots to travel or stay in a kennel. I couldn't find anyone to take care of her in their home for 2 months this year, and it's my greatest regret I didn't try a lot harder to find someone. Life has been demanding for me, but I wish I had let other things slide and put a higher priority on finding her care. I wasn't absolutely and utterly determined because I didn't think it was really possible. I didn't want to leave her with someone who wasn't absolutely loving. Then afterwards I found someone almost by accident. Ouch.

As various people told me, she lived 4 years longer than nature would have allotted, due to my care, and she was spoiled rotten and had a good life, but I deserved to have a life beyond that as well. I loved caring for her, but I needed other things. She had some arthritis, gut pain, tooth problems and whatever pain's associated with kidney failure, but she was doing nicely due to my attentive servitude. Without it she was miserable. I wanted to do good for her and also for me, but I just feel like a bad person now and I hate myself and I find life hard to face. That is, I get necessary things done, but I take no joy in anything. I miss her and I feel ashamed that I felt I had to let her go, end her life.

I've read some posts but I don't feel I have anything to offer so I have not posted. I don't believe in afterlife, so that sort of talk does not comfort me, but I would appreciate anyone's thoughts other than that.

Thank you for reading this.:bawling

Well I do not know what to say to comfort you besides Im sorry for your loss. 20 years is a long time for a cat to live! Be thankful for the time you had, and you cant see what happens after death so who knows. Maybe she is at the Rainbow Bridge right now!

RIP

I'm so sorry You gave your little girl a quality of life by letting her go and that's the important thing, because although we want to hang onto them as long as possible, we won't see our beloved babies suffer, and you didn't either.

I believe in the afterlife, so this is for your little girl

__________________________________________

Letting her go was for the best, you've got no reason to feel guilty about that.

I don't belive in afterlife either. I'll just offer my condolences.

There are no words that can take away the pain of this loss. Not everyone understands how painful it is to lose a beloved cat. My Smokey had been in Kidney failure for 2 years at the end of her life. It is very demanding taking care of a CRF cat and no one (including yourself) can fault you for letting your baby go after 4 years of CRF. CRF is progressive and there is no cure. I held on to Smokey too long and I still regret not having the strength to let go sooner. You were kind enough to let your baby go before her pain became unbearable.

Thanks all for replies.

Originally Posted by Rang_27

I held on to Smokey too long and I still regret not having the strength to let go sooner. You were kind enough to let your baby go before her pain became unbearable.

Click to expand...

If I may ask, what did you experience that you now understand was too long? My previous cat had acute liver failure at 18 years and living on a drip at the vet is no life for a boy who liked to roam, so that was a bit hard at the time but not as bad as this and the pain has faded to acceptance.

My cat had a period of three weeks when she had occasional days of bleeding and straining while urinating. She left sticky little drips of bloody urine all over my house. The worst of it was, though her look of fear and incomprehension as she squatted often in the back of closets, the kind of place a cat goes when they are feeling very sick or even ready to die. I had her looked at by the vet and it was a mystery without solution, but it cleared up. If that had gone on and on, I would have known it was time to put her out of that misery.

The torture is that the exigencies of life forced me to do it at the time I did, a bit too early, really, but the intense nursing I was doing was draining, I see in hindsight. Mostly I was being kind to me while realizing her life was somewhere near the end, and beyond its natural end, really.

At that age with CRF she was way beyond her natural life span! You did a good job, stop kicking yourself! By the way it sounds you did the right thing... You could have prolonged her life, maybe, but of what quality would it have been! Im sorry you're having to go through this, it can't be easy but I truely believe you did the right thing...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry to hear you've lost your baby. I think you did the right thing in letting her go before she got to the point of terrible suffering. It always hurts to loose a baby. My RB girl Tiger had kidney failure. I beat myself up for a long time for not noticing her symptoms until it was sever. After that she had about 4 months of treatment and got back to herself, but one day, she went downhill very fast. It was awful to see her that way. I've just come to the conclusion that all I can do is learn so I can do better by my other animals. And I've learned that sometimes letting go is the biggest act of love you can give your furbaby. Hang in there, the pain will fade with time.

I've too dealt with CRF but not nearly as long as you went through it. I don't know if I could have coped with 4 years of treatment like that! You are to be totally commended for the care that you gave her. The hardest decision is always when to release them from their pain and suffering. You will almost always second guess yourself if you did it too soon or waited too long. It is rare when that answer is clear to you.

You did the right thing. For yourself and for her. I hope you can find some inner strength to resolve your guilt and move on. You don't deserve to feel that way.

I too do not believe in an afterlife. But I can tell you that every cat that has graced me with their presense lives on inside of me. I cherish the memories.

> I can tell you that every cat that has graced me with their presense lives on inside of me. I cherish the memories.

Thanks everyone for replies. I spent much of the day going through old photos and remembering the happy and beautiful times in her life. I feel a little better for now.

I am so sorry for your loss. 20 years is a long time.

I'm so glad that you are starting to feel better. It sounds like your life was tied up with your girl and that now you are a little at loose ends. You've lost your life's companion and are grieving.

You demonstrated a lot of courage and dignity in the years you cared for her. Your little girl was suffering and not knowing when the next bout of pain would occur.

I am a Buddhist, and to me, all loving relationships add to the good in the world. They are never lost and will express themselves again in love. That's how I understand the Rainbow Bridge idea. It is the energy of love itself that goes on and lives to express itself again.

To me you are a hero for the way you cared for her.

Originally Posted by Morning

Thanks all for replies.



If I may ask, what did you experience that you now understand was too long? My previous cat had acute liver failure at 18 years and living on a drip at the vet is no life for a boy who liked to roam, so that was a bit hard at the time but not as bad as this and the pain has faded to acceptance.

My cat had a period of three weeks when she had occasional days of bleeding and straining while urinating. She left sticky little drips of bloody urine all over my house. The worst of it was, though her look of fear and incomprehension as she squatted often in the back of closets, the kind of place a cat goes when they are feeling very sick or even ready to die. I had her looked at by the vet and it was a mystery without solution, but it cleared up. If that had gone on and on, I would have known it was time to put her out of that misery.

The torture is that the exigencies of life forced me to do it at the time I did, a bit too early, really, but the intense nursing I was doing was draining, I see in hindsight. Mostly I was being kind to me while realizing her life was somewhere near the end, and beyond its natural end, really.

Click to expand...

She had stopped doing all the things that made her Smokey. She had stopped meowing, no longer greeted me at the door. Slept almost all the time & didn't care if I came or went. The sub-q fulids were very hard for her. She would upset her self so much that she threw up every time I gave the to her. The worst was on her last day she could only walk a few steps before her back legs would stiffen up & she wouldn't be able to bend them.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that the 20 years of great memories will help get you through this difficult time.

> She had stopped doing all the things that made her Smokey. She had stopped meowing, no longer greeted me at the door. Slept almost all the time & didn't care if I came or went.

Aww, I understand that. It is hard to see them in distress, falling apart with ageing.

My girl was not there, but she was slowing down, sleeping more and looking different when she slept, skinny with no muscle tone holding her together, all stretched out.

I wish our pets had the human consciousness to be able to say, "I want to go now" or not. I tell myself I put her on life support and so I had to take her off. It's a bit of playing god, which I don't like to do. I lost her summer of '07, but at least for today I feel a little better. Again, thanks all.

I did a bad thing because I felt I had to at the time. Yes, her life was nearing its end, but I betrayed a friend, part of myself, a weak helpless creature who totally depended on me. The burden became a lot, but I didn't mind really. Now the burden is gone, I feel relief from the constant duty, but I feel frequent pain from the loss of her.

The guilt and shame are killing me. I just wish they would hurry up and finish me off. Really... I have lots to be happy for, but the pain of this is making everyday life very miserable indeed. I feel like Lady Macbeth must have felt, starting to go insane with tortured thoughts.

Oh, sweetheart, you did everything you could - try not to doubt that. May I suggest something? Are there any support groups or counselors near you that work with long-term caregivers? You did so much for so long, you may not even realize how much your own strength has been depleted...perhaps your vet can refer you? Or your personal physician - I think whether human or not, we grieve for our loved ones, and we all need help to find the strength go go on. Maybe talking live to someone who can understand what you went through, and how you're grieving can help a bit.

I've read about the pet loss hotline at the Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine at Tufts University. You can reach them at 508-839-7966 between 6:00 pm and 9:00 pm Monday through Fridays. Their web site is www.tufts.edu/vet/petloss. I saw this in Catnip, the Tufts Newsletter.
Other loss support groups hotlines and resources, per the newsletter are:

Chicago Veterinary Medical Association Hotline 630-325-1600 (they don't charge, but will call you back collect)

Contact of Burlington County NJ - 24 hour hotline - 800-234-4688 for those outside of NY.

Iams Pet Loss Support Center & Hotline 888-332-7738 - open between 8:00 am and 5:00 pm eastern.

Please don't be offended - if I could give you a hug right now, I would.

You're right, I do need someone to talk to right now. My vet was not helpful before, and I don't feel inclined to ask for his help now after all I've been through.

I'm in Canada. I really don't know where to turn. I don't know what you mean by counselors that work with longterm caregivers. I guess I could ask my doctor about grief counsellors. Without mentioning cat of course. But then if I went to them, they wouldnt' understand.

I really have no idea where to turn.

I had no idea you were still suffering so much with the loss of your little cat. I so wish I could ease your pain. The 800 and 888 numbers are free in the U.S. Doesn't that include Canada?

Please try calling the numbers darlili gave you. They are people used to dealing with the kind of grief and guilt you are feeling and they might be able to help you. If not, maybe they can recommend someone closer to you who can.

If you can find a spiritual teacher close to you, maybe that person can recommend some sort of karmic recompense or atonement activity. That might make the difference for you.

Please don't quit looking for help...and continue to post until you begin to feel better.