first post -- i lost my beautiful girl and I feel guilty

An update.

Well, it's been 11 months, and I am not over it. I recently sold my house and made a big geographic move, so I was very busy and exhausted and didn't think of her every single day. Now things are settling back to something like normal, and when I finish my work day, the sadness and regret eat at me.

Yes, I know I did what I thought I needed at the time. Yes, her life was long and maybe the end was near, and maybe the idea that letting her go was the end of playing god is a valid one (see up thread) but that does not feel right to me. The same person said:

> You say that this euthanasia was different from past ones because then you felt that the cat was ready to go and this time you didn't. Couldn't the difference be in your personal and emotional situation and not in the health of the cats?

Yes, it could be, but even now months later, that does not feel like the truth to me. Yes, I was closer than her than to my previous cats because of working at home and her medical condition. However, I did get married in the past year so I have a wonderful partner in my life for the past few years. It's not like I"m quite as lonely as I was when I only had her. In fact, I met him not long after she got sick, so he overlaps those last four years.

I hurt so much. I have had bad experiences with counsellors, so I don't really expect any help there, nor do I have inclination to search. If I thought there was something good to try, I would, but I just don't trust my ability to make human connections in general. In fact, that is a big weak point for me; if it weren't, I would have found someone to care for her when I originally needed to. I'm no good with people, though.

I often wonder how I can live with this.

Hi there
I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through. I had to have my cat Clio euthanized about a year ago. I also had feelings of guilt and shame.
like you I wished that I knew how she felt and tell her the reasons for my actions.

sometimes when we lose a pet the grief that we feel is not just about the recent loss it can involve feelings from our past and repressed grief over losing other loved ones. When you have had a kitty companion for so many years it is like a link with the past being cut.-, sometimes a link with people who are no longer in our lives. Please continue to talk and discuss how you feel.............it will help given time
If ever you would like to talk feel free to message me.
I know you don't believe in an afterlife but believe me ,love never dies.........its spirit surrounds us always.

> sometimes when we lose a pet the grief that we feel is not just about the recent loss it can involve feelings from our past and repressed grief over losing other loved ones.

Or other feelings. Like basically she was so old and deteriorating, she reminds me of how my mother is right now. But she's been more comforting to me than my mother. Closer. There every day. She was part of me. In my mind she always had equal status to a person -- well, more important than most people.

No wonder I feel guilty.

We always feel a degree of guilt when anyone passes. We say we should have been there, we should have done more but you gave a lifetime of love which is what your kitty will remember. Whenever you were called upon to make that difficult choice about your cat it would have been heartbeaking and there would be tough emotions to deal with.

we are given guardianship of these little lives and we can only do our best.
Everything you have done you have done with your cats best interests at heart.

She would not want you to grieve at her passing but rejoice in a life well lived.

I'm not grieving her passing. I'm grieving my own pitiful existence. I did a bad thing. Maybe it was okay, but only certainty would have protected me. And I blew it. I can't be bothered to wipe my tears any more. I will just let them burn my skin. Life is torture.

I just got onto this thread, and I'm so sorry that you're still feeling so bad. I just want to add one thing that hasn't been brought up, and that's what if you had taken your 2 months off (I think I read this right) and left her with the caregiver, only to find out that she had stressed so much missing you that she was in agony. Euthanizing a friend is horrible - been there done that - but sometimes it's just the lesser of more than one or two or three horrible things.

I really hope you can forgive yourself someday. You can always talk here - people here are very understanding and especially nice. hugs to you!

> I just want to add one thing that hasn't been brought up, and that's what if you had taken your 2 months off (I think I read this right) and left her with the caregiver, only to find out that she had stressed so much missing you that she was in agony.

I did take the two months to pursue what I needed to for my own survival and well being, what I needed. If I had found someone good enough for her, she would have been fine without me. I have left her with not very cat-oriented people in the past and she was fine -- but I know what she needed this time: someone very animal oriented and loving and with a sensitive loving touch. I just failed to find that. I knew her well. I know what I"m speaking of.

Yes, what I did was not as bad for her as some other stupid things I would never have done, but the point is that I didn't do what I should -- and I didn't even know how to cope and make a good decision. Life is all too much, much of the time. Yes, it could have been worse. But that is little consolation.

Thanks for the responses.

Several years ago we had a member who lost her cat, and like most of us she was devastated, only she was worse. Reading your posts you sound very similar in your grief?.

In the end she had to see a counsellor to help her over come her grief because it was taking over her life and making her ill. It was a long battle but she got there in the end and had her heart filled again by taking on another cat, something she never thought she would do

> Several years ago we had a member who lost her cat, and like most of us she was devastated, only she was worse. Reading your posts you sound very similar in your grief?

Well, I'd like to read that thread. I don't know if it's similar. Mine's more about guilt than just losing. I had to put down my previous cat because of his medical condition. I know how I overcame that. It hurt, but I overcame it. This feels like a black stain on my conscience, an error that put me first and took her life. This is shame, like some people feel when they have an abortion (I only say this because I read what people felt in a book about grieving that, and I relate very much.)

I have seen several counsellors in my life, all useless ultimately. I can't relate to people well. They cause me more pain. I am too weak to try again now to find one. It seems not a promising direction for me in the least.

First let me say I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you went above and beyond in caring for your baby.
It is common to feel that you could have done more. I still question myself every day if I could have done more to keep my darling Fred, but am beginning to finally accept that it was his time, and we had 18 wonderful years together. He had FIV, and lived 5 years after his diagnosis. He was happy and kittenish right up to about a week before I had to let him go. He went downhill very quickly, and the vet assured me it was the merciful thing to do. Sometimes mercy can be very hard to give. I hope someday you can forgive yourself and be happy and joyful again, maybe with a cat in need, even though you can never replace your loved one, you can have a loving companion that will ease your pain and in turn not be sent to a shelter or worse. Once again, I am sorry for your loss.

> maybe with a cat in need

Yes, I will be happy to help a cat in need. I won't go looking for a pet for me.

Thanks for your feeling reply.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Originally Posted by Morning

Yes, what I did was not as bad for her as some other stupid things I would never have done, but the point is that I didn't do what I should -- and I didn't even know how to cope and make a good decision. Life is all too much, much of the time. Yes, it could have been worse. But that is little consolation.

Click to expand...

Despite how much you think you did, you ultimately did not know the health of your cat and how much pain she was in. Your cat was seriously ill, so I doubt anyone would question that you made the wrong choice. It is normal when dealing with grief to question yourself and what you could have done differently. I know I certainly did after losing my Molly, but you need to move on with the grieving process in to the next stage. I know you said you have tried counselors, but I honestly think you need to see a professional to help you with this. While our members are here to help you talk through your situation, in no way are they a substitute for trained professionals.

At the bottom of this link there are a list of Pet loss support groups in Canada. If there is not one near you, someone from one of them could point you in the right direction.

http://www.deltasociety.org/AnimalsH...ce2.htm#canada


Good Luck.

>but you need to move on with the grieving process in to the next stage. I know you said you have tried counselors, but I honestly think you need to see a professional to help you with this. While our members are here to help you talk through your situation, in no way are they a substitute for trained professionals.

What's the next stage in grieving, in your view?

I agree that anyone with genuine feeling is not a substitute for trained professionals. They are far superior, in my opinion. I have no expectation of anyone treating me as a trained professional might. In fact, I hope no one does, really.

It doesn't seem as much grief as forgiveness. Accept the fact that you — like everyone else — aren't perfect. Accept yourself despite your faults. Commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect.

You cannot change the past but you can now change the present and the future. Forgiveness of yourself, though not easy, can transform your life. Instead of dwelling on the injustice, instead of being angry and bitter, you can move toward a life of peace, compassion, mercy, joy and kindness.

> Instead of dwelling on the injustice, instead of being angry and bitter,

I'm not dwelling on it. It affects me very frequently, but if I had made it the focus of my life, I'm sure I would be dead by now.

This idea that I should let go (you're not the first person who's said it here) kind of feels like a bit of a polite "Time to get over it already" but I feel that to each her own time. I'm not over it. I hurt. Pretending I don't and just keeping my chin up solves nothing. I continue working fulltime to support myself and carry many burdens -- and I hurt.

Originally Posted by Morning

I'm not over it. I hurt. Pretending I don't and just keeping my chin up solves nothing.

Click to expand...

We all understand how it hurts, and you won't ever get over it, but this is why you need to speak to a counsellor who can get to the root of the problem as to why your feeling like you are.

I work with a counsellor for abused adults, but even she said it sounds like you havent found one that's right for you.

No, and I won't be looking for one. That is not my path.

I am so sorry for your loss. At least you gave her the best life any kitty in that situation would want

sorry to hear about your loss, i had to put my cat "stig" to sleep this week a mere 13 year old, at 20, yours was a grand old age no doubt of that but he was very ill and you cared for him all that time, even with all the care in the world though no cat will live forever and while you guilt is a normal part of grieving be sure that you did the right thing and made the most selfless compassionate act for your cat, i know you said you did nt belive in the afterlife, im not sure what to think myself but even if you dont your cat will always live on in the hearts and minds of those who love him, and as with mine, i can honestly say that if i touch one person in my life in the way that my cat touched many, then i will be happy.