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post #61 of 69
Thread Starter 
Thanks lauracatlover, and sorry for your recent loss, neil12345. I had to put my previous cat to sleep with liver failure. He couldn't just live at the vets on an IV. His body was finished, and he went quickly, but it was my first time and it was a terrible shock.

My girl was not there, though. I kept her going for 4 extra years, and arbitrarily ended it because of my needs. She did not go quickly. It was a horrible 45 minutes of trying to get the drugs to work, which they did not, and we had to go to anesthetic. I could not find anyone to care for her. What kills me with guilt is that I put myself first. I didn't turn back even though I felt horrible doing it and even told the vet I didn't want to. It's hard to throw away a two thousand dollar plane ticket, especially when my fiance paid for it so we could be together for a longer while and get to know each other before marrying. One of those long internet relationships. I had actually known him since just after she got sick almost 4 years before. It sounds like a wretched soap opera, but I only say these things by way of explaining how it became such a tortured knot of conflicting desires.

She was old and declining and terminally ill, but stable that day, and it is very hard to reconcile. I feel I have lost a big chunk of myself, including the right to call myself an animal lover. I have lost my identity. I'm not a vegan, so what kind of animal lover am I anyway? Well, we all have to learn from our mistakes. I'm not saying this is worse than what other people go through in their worst mistakes of their lives, but it is not the typical have to put down a pet because they are in agony and have no quality of life. It was me that had no quality of life. I was in prison.

I just had an acquaintance as me "Did you have to get rid of your cat" and that set me off today, plus the fact that it's the one year anniversary of her death pretty soon.

All I can say is I try to learn more in life and be more proactive yet also not so reactive when action is called for. I am trying to be a better person. We have to learn from our mistakes. Unfortunately, I can't change the past.
post #62 of 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by Morning View Post
All I can say is I try to learn more in life and be more proactive yet also not so reactive when action is called for. I am trying to be a better person. We have to learn from our mistakes. Unfortunately, I can't change the past.
Wise words Morning.
post #63 of 69
I am sorry you had to make that hard decision for her to be PTS.I had to do right by my Fred, who was also very ill. Don't beat yourself up about it, if she was suffering, you helped her out of her pain. I still wonder sometimes if I could have done more, but deep down I know there wasn't.
You gave her a long, happy life, and that was all you could do.
post #64 of 69
Thread Starter 
> if she was suffering,

Yes. I don't know how much she was suffering. That day, not much. She had had hard episodes, a few days a year, and then it would stop. Medical crises that we got through.

Life is suffering. I think I"ve sufered much more than she did, because many times in the past I had wanted to end my own life. I didn't, because I stayed to take care of her, couldn't just abandon her. We were extremely unusually close and intertwined, as you can see.
post #65 of 69
Fred was my little Rock, my only constant for 18 years. He watched over me when I was sick, loved me when I felt like my world was spinning out of control. I thought I would lose my mind for awhile. This may sound awful, but losing my parents did not affect me the way losing Fred did. I still cannot bring myself to remove him from my signature, after almost 3 years. I love my current crew of 4 kitties, but there will never be another Fred.
Kidney failure is a painful condition, and cats hide their pain very well. You did the hardest thing of all and showed her mercy. You did right by her.
post #66 of 69
Thread Starter 
> This may sound awful, but losing my parents did not affect me the way losing Fred did.

Doesn't sound awful to me. People aren't automatically rated higher than animals, not even parents.

>showed her mercy. You did right by her.

I know everyone likes to say I showed her mercy, and by not leaving her with someone careless, of course I was thinking of her. But ending her life was . . .mercy for me, not her, and that hurts. Sure, she had some pain, but with my magic fingers, I took most of it away. I could tell by her reaction, and I know from the reaction of many people who have had the experience of my touch. But no one else seemed to be able to care for her.

Complex grief:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7512107.stm

That link seems to capture it in this case. It's like when someone has an abortion and regrets it. YOu're killing part of yourself. (I say this because reading about people who felt that resonated precisely with me.)
post #67 of 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by Morning View Post
> This may sound awful, but losing my parents did not affect me the way losing Fred did.

Doesn't sound awful to me. People aren't automatically rated higher than animals, not even parents.

>showed her mercy. You did right by her.

I know everyone likes to say I showed her mercy, and by not leaving her with someone careless, of course I was thinking of her. But ending her life was . . .mercy for me, not her, and that hurts. Sure, she had some pain, but with my magic fingers, I took most of it away. I could tell by her reaction, and I know from the reaction of many people who have had the experience of my touch. But no one else seemed to be able to care for her.

Complex grief:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7512107.stm

That link seems to capture it in this case. It's like when someone has an abortion and regrets it. YOu're killing part of yourself. (I say this because reading about people who felt that resonated precisely with me.)
I know how you feel.ad it does hurt.
My ferret Rocko, my baby, my abolute heart on this planet. became very sick. I forget (or have just blocked out) the name of the disease, but he devoleped tumores on his pancreas. It resulted it insolin shock reactions. Managable at first, through diet. He was getting old, 7 years, and the vet said the drugs they could give could resut in wore symptoms than his actual condition. He could have gotten surgery, with his age and having a previous hairball surgery, and the fact it cost $1500, we could not go that route. So I did my best. He did OK, he would not eat his prescription wet food after a while even though he LOVED it ar first, so I had to "cook" him up his beloved dry food mixed with that into a mush.(I called it him "num nums", he would come running so cute) He did fine with that, for a while. He started to refuse to eat, unless I hand fed him. His seizures were becoming more frequent because I had to work, and he had to be fed and if I missed a feeding, the shock hit. To anyone who has ever seen an animal go through this, well its horrible. I could bring him out of it with sugar water, or honey, but it got worse and worse, and the feeding times got closer and closer togethor before it happened again. I was loosing time at work, they were getting mad at me (its just a ferret after all, grrrrrrr) I was run down as I was also taking care of a sick cat who also needed to be hand fed. I was on empty. One night Rock was very, very bad, He would not come out of the shock. I don't drive and my ex was passed out drunk so I could not get to an ER vet. I sat up with him all night, I will not go into the nasty details of it. By sunrise, he was somewhat better. I made the desicision after I put him in his hammoc that this was it. I could not put him through another episode like that, and I could not put ME through one either. I was completly drained. I just could not do it anymore, and I, like you, knew no one else would care for him like I did. After the ex finally woke up I told him I had made the decision. Take him in. Rocko seemed himself, giving me kisses and being normal ferret squirmy. I said goodbye for about a half hour holding him crying and sent him off with the ex to the vet.
Like you as well, I have an ability, well not to heal, but to sooth. I still feel I failed him that day, but we can only do so much when we are not healthy either. I believe that just like we love our animals so much we would die for them, they know we can't do that, and love US so much they let us know it is OK to let them go.
post #68 of 69
I'm very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you were very devouted to your kitty for a long time.

post #69 of 69
Thread Starter 
Trillcat> So I did my best.

Oh, yes, it does hurt. And my best was so inadequate. Yes, running on empty, affecting work, as you say. I couldn't make a further sacrifice on top of everything. I wish I had, though, and it so hurts to feel I've made such a mistake. And yet it was a relief to not be constantly interrupted by her needs and know I would never face, as you did, such a horrible episode. (I haven't detailed ours, but it was something that simply could not continue day after day. Would be good reason to end a life of such agony -- and then the episode ended.)

Thanks so much for your reply.

Soon is the one-year anniversary of her end. I booked off work because I don't think I could work well that day, and I want my mind to be able to focus on what's important. But I feel such a fool to do that now when I wish I had had the presence of mind to take time and focus more wisely on consequences back then. Not sure how I will spend that day wisely.
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