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I just don't know what to do with myself!

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 
This has been a horridly crummy year for me. I am on anti-depressants and the dose was adequate and made me feel "normal" again. But lately all I do is cry

Over the last few months my stress has been climbing because of finances. I've been off work on sick leave for 3 1/2 years now. And my income is not indexed with inflation so while everything goes up in price my income remains the same. Over that period of time my rent has increased $250.00 per month. That's a huge chunk of my disability cheque!

The last few months it's been a struggle to feed myself and I find myself running out of food without any money left to buy anymore. I've managed to make due thanks in a large part to meal replacement shakes and dried goods like rice and beans. But it's been a struggle.

This past July I got the go ahead from my doctors that I can start a rehab program to get myself physically conditioned so that I can eventually start a back to work program and then get back to my job!

However, my disability insurance company has been an obstacle. They want me off of their insurance, yet they are loathe to help me fund a rehab program.

I am in no position to pay out money for a rehab program because I can't even afford to feed myself most months.

They did put me into Physiotherapy. However I found out that when I got there I was going to have to pay them $13.00 per visit, the portion that Blue Cross didn't cover. I was scheduled to go 3 times per week! There is no way I could afford to pay that kind of money. And I told the physio place that. I wasn't aware that I was going to have to pay anything out of my own pocket!

So they contacted my disability company who said they would pick up the $13.00 cost that Blue Cross wasn't paying.

I was going faithfully to Physio and enjoying it. I had lost 18 pounds and was feeling on top of the world that things were finally starting to fall into place for me.

Then they pulled the plug! I was told by the disability insurance company that there was no funding for the "conditioning program" at the physio place and that I had to stop going ]

I had a meeting with them a few weeks later in order to come up with a "plan" of action in order to get me rehabbed and back to work.

They know of my financial difficulties and said that they can help, it was just a matter of deciding what is the best option for me so far as programs go.

I had been wanting to get into one of the cardiac refit programs that are offered through our government. I am so out of shape and over weight that I am afraid to exercise on my own. A cardiac refit program would have me closely monitored and an exercise program designed with my needs in mind. Plus it's funded by the government which means I wouldn't have to pay anything, and neither would the insurance company. I figured that would make them happy!

Unfortunately because I haven't had a heart attack or cardiac bypass surgery, they said I wasn't a candidate. Again, my hopes were dashed

There was talk about some pilot program that I may be able to get into starting in January, but even that wasn't a guaranty.

I then got a call from the insurance company telling me that they called around and it seems that I qualify for the cardiac refit program at one of the local hospitals because I have fainting issues.

I went there last month and found out that no, I didn't qualify because my fainting isn't diagnosed or confirmed to be from my heart. So I didn't get in

So that left me up in limbo so far as rehab was concerned.

The last week of November I was watching tv and saw something on a medical channel that twigged my memory. It mentioned an "enlarged heart", and it dawned on me that my last chest xray showed that my heart is mildly enlarged due to my sleep apnea problem.

I called the hospital and they said that would qualify me for the cardiac refit program! I had my doctor fax a note over saying that I had an enlarged heart and was referred to the cardiac refit program. He did that. So everything seemed a go!

I got a call from the girl who is the go between between me and the insurance company. She asked me to find out if Blue Cross will pay any of the costs to defray the cost that the insurance company will have to pay.

I called Blue Cross and was told they pay 80% up to a total of $300.00 and that it is a lifetime amount.

On Wednesday, the day before I was to go to the hospital to get assessed for entrance to the program, I got a call from my healthcare liason who told me that the insurance company called her and told her that I would have to pay the difference that Blue Cross isn't paying!

I went to the assessment anyway and took my cheque book. I figured I could write them a post dated cheque for the end of the month.

Apparently they don't take cheques and require cash for the balance upon registration and the completion of the Blue Cross form.

I told her that I couldn't pay anything that day because I had just declared bankruptcy and didn't have a dime to my name until the end of the month and that my insurance company is refusing to pick up the balance of the cost like they said they would during my meeting with them.

It turns out that they have a supplement program for those in need, and I certainly qualified for that. So the government is subsedising the amount that Blue Cross isn't paying. So I am starting a rehab program on January 2, 2008. It's my first step to getting back to work!

Now I should be over the moon about that. But the bankruptcy and lack of money is looming over me. I may have to give up my computer because it's currently leased and I don't know if I can afford to keep up the payments on it because with the montly bankruptcy fee, and the fact that I am now going to be in a position where I can have income tax taken off of my monthly cheques so that I don't end up owing the government $4,000 at the end of the year, will leave me in a worse situation where money is concerned for the next 9 months if I don't return to work soon! If I give back the computer and cancel my internet, I save $150.00 per month, which puts me into a little better position financially than I was. Not by much, but a little.

My problem with that is that I don't get out of the house very often and that the internet has become my social "outting" and my connection to the outside world. Without it I am totally isolated.

I have been so weepy. I cry and cry throughout the day, even as I type this.

I take Celexa 30 mg everyday for depression and anxiety. I know the dose can go up to 40 mg if need be. I decided to increase my dose to 40 mg starting today and to call and let my doctor know that I have done that.

Christmas should be a happy time of the year. If it weren't for a food bank charity that gives out "Christmas Food Hampers" to those in need, I wouldn't even have anything to eat on Christmas Day this year. This is the worst holiday that I have ever spent
post #2 of 13
I am so sorry to hear all this, I can't even imagine Is there any family around that can help you?
post #3 of 13
I'm sorry I hope things start looking up for you soon. I understand all about depression and the holidays . Feel better.
post #4 of 13
I'm sooooo sorry to hear this Like Bella713 said, is there anyone that can help you out? Family, close friends?

Im' of the belief that things do work themselves out. Yes you're allowed to cry and kick things in the meantime to help relieve the frustrations, but I'm sure things will work out.

As much money as it would save, if this is your social outing at the moment, don't get rid of it. From the sounds of it that's the last thing you need to be rid of.
post #5 of 13
I can understand why you're feeling down. It really doesn't sound as if you're getting the help you need from Blue Cross and the insurance company.
I hope 2008 is a much better year for you.
post #6 of 13
I'm sooo sorry that the year has not been a good one for you. I can't even imagine how and what you are feeling, but I do believe that you certainly have earned the right to cry your heart out.

Are there any close friends of family that can help you out? I hope that next year will be much better for you!
post #7 of 13
I hope things get better for you soon.
post #8 of 13
witht he food situation i can fully understand, last year i was in a disaster financial situation and part of this year, that i didnt know how to feed my self or the kitties, thank goodness some of my TCS friends were able to help with the kitties and i was just on cornflakes for two weeks as my mother had bought lots of it as there was a sale just before they had left. I was then living on cookies that they provided at work.

This sounds like a good step and that things will slowly start looking up for you!

Just hang in there
post #9 of 13
Oh darlin, I'm so sorry -- the bureaucracy alone is enough to depress anybody! It's no wonder you feel so down. Is there any such thing there as an advocate for the disabled, some kind of legal aid that could make sure you're not being wrongly excluded from the assistance you need?

And do you know yet what sort of rehab you need? I wonder if some or all of it could be taught to you, so you could carry on the program by yourself if necessary...?

Don't give up your internet. You do need your friends, and we would miss you terribly. Here's what I'm going to be vibing for: I imagine that, out of all the people here on TCS, someone will be getting a new computer for Christmas... and maybe that person would sell his or her old (but still reasonably up-to-date) computer to you cheap... and maybe the rest of us could all kick in a couple of PayPal bucks to cover the computer and a few months of internet. Then you could give up the computer lease, and that would have to help.

Please don't despair... you are going to get better and stronger, and you're going to be able to work again soon, and then the world will open up to you again. I know how good it feels when you believe that, because I've just begun to believe it for myself as well. My road hasn't been nearly as hard as yours, though -- I so deeply admire the way you've stood up through all of this. I know you hurt right now, but you have steel in you, Linda... and you are loved, too. It's going to be all right.
post #10 of 13
Oh my gosh Linda I can't even imagine the position you are in. I pray things get better for you.
post #11 of 13
Gosh Linda, I wish that you lived closer....I could be your exercise buddy! I will keep you in my prayers that everything gets sorted out in the best possible way for you. I sincerely hope and pray that 2008 is a wonderful, prosperous and health focused year for you!
post #12 of 13
I wish I had some words of advice to offer that could possibly help you out, but I don't. I can relate to your depression and all, b/c of my own situation and the struggles I've gone through in the past few years. All I can really say is that it will get better - some how, some way. The Lord will guide you through the darkness..

post #13 of 13
Natalie, I just wanted to add that if I think of a way where you can keep your computer or maybe get one of your own, I'll certainly let you know. I know how you feel about that, too. Being almost constantly housebound myself, my computer is my outlet to the outside world, too. I'd go nuts w/o out it!

Have you ever considered getting a WebTV unit? It's not quite as nice as having a computer, but it's better than nothing at all: at least you can keep in touch with other peeps. The entire unit, including the cordless keyboard, would probably cost around $100.00 or so, give or take a few bucks, and the internet service runs around $20.00 per month (unless you need to also subscribe to an ISP).

Just a thought..

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