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Different Views Needed

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 
I need other people's views here. First, a quick background: I have set myself on a course to start a new life for my daughter and myself. I have alot of things going on in my life right now that all need my full attention. Part of my new course in life is to weed out people who bring too much drama and negativity in my life--which is part of the reason that I am getting a divorce. It's been very refreshing so far, and with each negative thing that I have cut out of my life, the better I feel and the easier things have been for me and my daughter.

Now here's the problem that I am having:

I have 2 friends in my life that I like. One is a 40-something that is on alot of meds and has alot of health problems. I have known "Deanna" for about 2 years now, and I have come to the realization that she's an enabler to my addictive nature. You see, she and I met through the aquarium hobby. As much as I would love to waterproof a room in my apartment and fill it with fish, I just have never have ad the money to do so. Even though I would tell her in several different ways that I was broke at the time, or just couldn't bring home any more fish, she would convince me to do so. She has also convinced me to bring home animals that I just didn't have the money to care for or afford to keep, and I would feel alot of guilt every time I looked at the animal. Those animals were later given a home in which they are now happy in. Besides that, I am really tired of hearing about all of her ailments and meds that she is on. Now, she's turned to trying to convince me that I have ADD and that I NEED to get on Ritalin. I've even told her that I didn't want to hear about it, and that if I had a concern, I would bring it up with my doctor, and I have also told her that I have noticed a pattern with every new med she is prescribed (taking pills for side effects of side effects) and that she probably just needs to detox and start from scratch. I am thinking that Deanna needs to go because she can turn an image of a unicorn tip-toeing through a meadow of flowers in the sunshine into an image a rot and decay with just a breath. I just don't know how to cut her out of my life, especially since she lives 3 minutes from my apartment.

Then there is my 30-something friend, "Jill" who is a single mom who is also going through a divorce, but her situation is much messier than mine. Without getting into too much detail, it's DRAMA all around with her divorce. Besides that, there is the issue with her son and her sister who just moved to town. I have already cut her sister out of my life. I first met Jill at my daughter's school. Her son and my daughter have become darn good friends. Her son and my daughter go to the same school and were in after school care together until recently. She and I live on building from each other in the apartment complex together. Her son was an absolute precious, loving child when I first met them. Jill and I were helping each other out with groceries, picking up the kids after school or at after school care, and just helping each other out because we are both single moms. She and I have formed a very close friendship since meeting in August. But, since then, her kid has turned into an out of control terror of a child, and I have even told Jill this. I am actually glad that my daughter has been sick for almost a week because she and Jill's son haven't been around each other, and my daughter's attitude has improved because she was picking up some of his ways. Also, I think Jill has started relying on me a little too much to "solve" her problems because I feel like it's gotten to the point to where it seems like she's forgotten to think for herself and to no think things through.

I don't want to be a total "female dog" and just call them and say, "You're too negative and bring too much drama into my life, so I am permanently cutting you out of my life." But I feel that's what it's come to.
post #2 of 13
That sounds like a difficult situation. On one hand, it is good to be a good friend when your friends need you, but on the other hand, you should surround yourself with as much positive energy as possible.

Maybe you should just gradually distance yourself from these people and try to get some breathing room for a change.
post #3 of 13
I would be gentle but frank and say I need a break from you ... AND I will call you when ready....

ritilin is a stimulant and should not be used with adult add /./// just an fyi
post #4 of 13
It's a bit tougher when it's people you see in RL than on the pc.
I would distance myself too. Good luck with everything.
post #5 of 13
Sounds like you need to distance yourself from these people and if you have to interact, somehow, somewhere, find the strength to not get sucked into their problems. If the support was flowing both ways, OK, I can see that working, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. You don't have to tell them off, just make sure that you're "busy" or if on the phone " I have to go." They may or may not get the message. Just make sure you are not isolating yourself in your attempt to better your life.

Also sounds like Jill's little boy is acting out re: the divorce. It's always hardest on the children (sigh).

I would venture to guess that they both need professional help, but she is not likely to accept that suggestion.

Your other friend - sounds like she's not getting good treatment for her problems. Again, she is not likely to listen to you.

I'm not a psychologist, but I have been through the mill myself and I do understand.
post #6 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnneRiceBowl View Post
...Then there is my 30-something friend, "Jill" who is a single mom who is also going through a divorce, but her situation is much messier than mine. Without getting into too much detail, it's DRAMA all around with her divorce. Besides that, there is the issue with her son and her sister who just moved to town. I have already cut her sister out of my life. I first met Jill at my daughter's school. Her son and my daughter have become darn good friends. Her son and my daughter go to the same school and were in after school care together until recently. She and I live on building from each other in the apartment complex together. Her son was an absolute precious, loving child when I first met them. Jill and I were helping each other out with groceries, picking up the kids after school or at after school care, and just helping each other out because we are both single moms. She and I have formed a very close friendship since meeting in August. But, since then, her kid has turned into an out of control terror of a child, and I have even told Jill this. I am actually glad that my daughter has been sick for almost a week because she and Jill's son haven't been around each other, and my daughter's attitude has improved because she was picking up some of his ways. Also, I think Jill has started relying on me a little too much to "solve" her problems because I feel like it's gotten to the point to where it seems like she's forgotten to think for herself and to no think things through....
OMG! I could have written this about my former friend "G"! The only difference is our daughters became friends. After one year, the daughter of my friend started bullying my daughter. It just got worse and worse over two years. "G" and I had many talks about her daughter and the terrible things she was doing, and I finally realized it's the parents who were to blame. I don't know what went on in their house, but slowly things started coming out how "G" and her husband had horrible envy problems that they didn't let on to me, but that they didn't hide from their daughter. She is a total terror now, and has other targets (poor kids) - she has sent hate messages and death threats and she's only nine years old. My family's life is much better without this family in our lives!

I taught my daughter how to distance herself from the "friend" too, but it took years.

How I did it: in March of this year we "suddenly" became too busy to do things with these people. I declined any offers to get together because I had this or that going on. I was friendly and said hello but never had time to stop and chat and eventually they stopped asking.

I don't think you have to be mean and tell these people anything, especially since you will be running into them. Remain on a friendly basis; just become unavailable for any interaction longer than a hello.

We have all noticed how life is so much better without the drama of this petty, negative family in our lives! Good luck to you.
post #7 of 13
I believe that people, like water, seek their own levels.

What that means is that people who are negative and angry will gravitate to those who are the same.

People who are a success in life, be in financially or personally, have sought out people who are of the same mindset.

It sounds like you have grown and moved to a new "station" in life and that you have some people in your life currently, that drag you back down.

Friendships come and go, and there is nothing wrong with breaking off a friendship because it is toxic to us.

Breaking off a friendship is the same as breaking off any relationship. My advice is simply to sit down and talk with them and tell them how you feel and that you think it's time that the friendships come to an end. Just tell them that you haven't found the relationships very satisfying and that you think it would be best if you each went your separate ways.
post #8 of 13
Thread Starter 
Thank you everyone who have replied. to you that read all of that.

I am going to cut ties with "Deanna". I just don't know exactly how.

With "Jill", I am going to have a sit-down with her to cut her off gently.

In due time, I will be totally cutting them out. The SO and I have decided to move out of state in the early part of the coming year, but they will need to be gone before then.
post #9 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnneRiceBowl View Post
Thank you everyone who have replied. to you that read all of that.

I am going to cut ties with "Deanna". I just don't know exactly how.
Just disappear....

Seriously, Deanna sounds very similar to my psycho-ex-best friend. Just give an example, we would be at a fast food place and see some [super fattening] dessert. She would then say "OMG, Jenney! That looks sooo good! You should eat that". I'd say no...no again...no again again...then finally give in. So I was then gaining weight.

As for Jill...the one thing I will remind you since you're going through a divorce as well is that she's probably NEEDING a friend right now. However she is abusing the friendship. I would simply suggest that you have your own issues with your divorce and to offer a therapist for her to see. Then get together with her every couple of weeks for coffee or tea.
post #10 of 13
Some terrible things have been said and done between people under the guise of friendship. People sabotage your best efforts, etc. As other posters indicated, misery does love company. Good luck to you and your daughter.
post #11 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by lunasmom View Post
Just disappear....

Seriously, Deanna sounds very similar to my psycho-ex-best friend. Just give an example, we would be at a fast food place and see some [super fattening] dessert. She would then say "OMG, Jenney! That looks sooo good! You should eat that". I'd say no...no again...no again again...then finally give in. So I was then gaining weight.

As for Jill...the one thing I will remind you since you're going through a divorce as well is that she's probably NEEDING a friend right now. However she is abusing the friendship. I would simply suggest that you have your own issues with your divorce and to offer a therapist for her to see. Then get together with her every couple of weeks for coffee or tea.
If its a messy divorce she probably needs you and doesnt see what she is doing as much. I really think sitting down with her and having a heart to heart about this all might do wonders. As for the son, he is probably hearing both his mom and dad saying very bad things about the other, seeing the fights, feeling torn, and is acting out... and unfortunately theres not a lot anyone with out a degree or maybe a boot camp can help.

Good luck!
post #12 of 13
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by capt_jordi View Post
If its a messy divorce she probably needs you and doesnt see what she is doing as much. I really think sitting down with her and having a heart to heart about this all might do wonders. As for the son, he is probably hearing both his mom and dad saying very bad things about the other, seeing the fights, feeling torn, and is acting out... and unfortunately theres not a lot anyone with out a degree or maybe a boot camp can help.

Good luck!
Her son is only 5 years-old, but I can setup a Boot Camp for Kindergarteners. I basically had to put my daughter through one earlier this year. Best darn thing I ever did. She's back to her angelic self now.

"Jill" does say waaaaaaaaaaay too much in front of her son. I have told her this before.

I think "Jill" will also be going through Divorcee Boot Camp.

I was (almost) a cop in the USAF, and I always wanted to be a TI (training instructor--same thing an Army drill instructor).

Anyone else want to sign up for ARB's Basic Attitude Adjustment for Kids and Moms? LOL I'll call it BAAK and BAAM!

I do understand that she needs a friend right now in her situation because hell, I do, too. That's why I needed advice in what to do.
post #13 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnneRiceBowl View Post
Anyone else want to sign up for ARB's Basic Attitude Adjustment for Kids and Moms? LOL I'll call it BAAK and BAAM!
That's sooo military sounding.
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