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I've read the break up thread, but still confused...

post #1 of 24
Thread Starter 
Hello all!

I haven't posted here in awhile I mostly lurk, because I don't know just been sorta low these days.

Here's the story, I have a boyfriend I have been with for almost 2 years(jan 3 is our two yr date.) For the past year things have been ok, except he doesn't have a full time job. I pay for electricity, gas, cell phone, and groceries he pays cable internet and his half of the rent.

Basically I have been supporting him for the past 10 months. I am sick of it I get no thank you, or a show of appreciation of paying for everything. He just seriously started looking for a job in July. He is 22 and doesn't have much on his resume, so needless to say he wasn't getting any calls. He finally get's a job at the beggining of october and they offered him more than the ad said. HE QUIT AFTER ONE DAY!!!!!!! He said he would have to quit his pt job and that is his only job reference. Plus he didn't like the full time job anyway. His pt job is extremely flexible if he only thought about it he could have worked a way around it.

So anyway ever since then I feel like he quit because he knew I was around to pay the bills. I feel used and taken a advantage of. We recently talked about all of this and he said sorry. I suggested counseling, or we take a break. He said no counseling. A few days later he could tell I was serious about taking a break so he said counseling.

Now I feel as though if I don't take a break from him I will regret it. There are other things too, he is very insecure. He is somewhat of a mama's boy. He get's jealous of my friends(I only have two and they are women!!!), and says rude comments about them. He has said some pretty nasty stuff to me when we argue. All he has said he is sorry for and had no idea he was hurting me. I believe he knew in someway because everytime he said something mean. I would cry. Plus I told him, he said he didn't think it was that serious. Also we never go anywhere, I want to go the movies once in a while. He never wants to go, and if blue moon comes by and we do go, I have to pay. "It's to expensive..!!" He always says.

I don't know what to do. I hate to do this right before the holidays, and our anniversary. I'm just very depressed lately, and not happy!

Any adivce please?

p.s. I have posted on here about him before, for those of you that remember me.
post #2 of 24
I guess, IMO, dump him.

A relationship goes two ways, you are equal halves. He needs to do his part. Him being so insecure....why? How will that affect the trust facotr in your relationship?
post #3 of 24
if you arent happy then you arent happy. I think maybe it would be best to take a break, it sounds like he isnt being very willing to help, and if a guy doesnt accept your friends then thats not a good thing! You should be able to hang out together and all have a good time.
post #4 of 24
It's time to cut him loose. If he is serious about the relationship then he would have taken the steps to show it. Maybe being on his own will give him time to grow up. Sometimes when you start dating so young you haven't had the time to mature for a real serious relationship. Who knows maybe the break will kick him into action.
post #5 of 24
This looks like a no win situation between you & him unfortunately. He doesn't seem to appreciate you...
You should find a guy who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
No matter how hard it may be, you should try to make a decision on where your relationship is going.
Relationships are about being happy & having fun...If you aren't happy, then it may be time for a change.
Hopefully everything works out for you no matter what your decision is
post #6 of 24
I have to agree with the others. You've made your feelings known and all he can do is say sorry. If you really feel like you need a break that take it... don't worry about dates and what holidays may be looming. Chistmas won't be any fun if you spend it anrgy and resenting your partner.
post #7 of 24
Honey, you've only been dating just under 2 years and already he verbally abuses you and uses you. I hope you can see where this is leading and avoid it like the plague. Guys like this don't get magically better in the way they treat you. You need to put a stop to it NOW. I'll bet your friends would love to have you around for the holidays without him so do what you need to do and take the break - hopefully it will a verrrrrry long break. He sounds like a no-goodnik.
post #8 of 24
You aren't married. You are simply living together.

He sounds like a lazy mooch.

You sound angry.

You said you're feeling used and abused and taken advantage of.

You said you wanted to take a break or go to counselling.

He didn't want counselling.

Then when he saw you were serious about leaving him, he suddenly wants counselling.

IMHO counselling isn't going to make any difference in getting him off his butt and working and paying his way through life.

If I were in your place I'd ditch the lump and move out.

He needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself. You are his partner, not his mother. It's not your job to support him.

Leave him.
post #9 of 24
Oh my that really sucks. The one thing I really really want to get across to you is that men really don't change. I think he will always count on you to be the responsible one, the one who gets the bills paid, the one who puts food on the table, and the one he can count on to pay his way. I have a friend who is in the process of divorcing her husband because he still acts like your boyfriend at 43.

I understand how you feel that he is using you, and he really is. He may or may not think of it that way, but if you said something to him he should get the picture. Sometimes I worry that my boyfriend feels used because I'm still in school (will be for awhile) and he's the one with a full-time job, so he ends up paying for a lot more things than I do. I feel worthless sometimes and I tell him thanks for everything he buys me. Even a $1 hotdog, I'll thank him for lunch.

About the holidays, yeah that sucks, but I think you will have a better holiday if you don't have him bringing you down. Life sucks sometimes, and your boyfriend needs to learn that. You don't want to date someone who acts like a high school jr. for the rest of your life!
post #10 of 24
Thread Starter 
Thank you guys so much!

I really appreciate it.

I do feel like now he sees I am serious about taking a 6month break. He wants to do all these changes. He is looking for a job, I think I forgot to mention. But I felt he wasnt trying hard enough. Then magically this week he gets like 6 interviews.

I work full time and go to school full time. He worked pt and played computer games all day.

I love him, but I hate to see him cry. Nothing hurts me more than to see a man cry. He also lacks maturity I feel, I need a man not a boy.

I guess sometimes I feel like his mother not his girlfriend. We talked about marriage, and kids. I honestly don't want to have kids with him because I feel he is not reliable.

This sucks.
post #11 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
You said you wanted to take a break or go to counselling.

He didn't want counselling.

Then when he saw you were serious about leaving him, he suddenly wants counselling.

IMHO counselling isn't going to make any difference in getting him off his butt and working and paying his way through life.

You are his partner, not his mother. It's not your job to support him.
totally agree with this stuff. My SO's mom is divorcing her jerk of a husband and she suggested counseling he said no way. Then when she started packing he started naming off all the things he would do, which included counseling.

He should have taken you seriously the first time.
post #12 of 24
Thread Starter 
I agree.

I'm 21 and I feel like a I am 35. Nothing wrong with that but still. I'm not to happy these days. I love him so much.

His tears make me feel like, maybe I could forgive him. But I know it's just his tears tricking me.I am waiting for him to come home from an interview and we are going to talk again.

I am taking my cats too, I pay for them they are mine!
post #13 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
You aren't married. You are simply living together.

He sounds like a lazy mooch.

You sound angry.

You said you're feeling used and abused and taken advantage of.

You said you wanted to take a break or go to counselling.

He didn't want counselling.

Then when he saw you were serious about leaving him, he suddenly wants counselling.

IMHO counselling isn't going to make any difference in getting him off his butt and working and paying his way through life.

If I were in your place I'd ditch the lump and move out.

He needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself. You are his partner, not his mother. It's not your job to support him.

Leave him.


Your b/f sounds much like an ex-b/f that I had several years ago: he turned out to be a manipulative abuser, that put me through more than you can imagine. I say dump him, before it gets worse. And believe me, it will!!

Your b/f "crying" is just a manipulative ploy to make you feel guilty. He knows you're getting fed up, so he's gonna play the game b/c he knows it'll get to you. My ex could sure put on the charm and shed the crocodile tears too, when he knew I was getting fed up. But it was all just a game to him, to keep me around.

My ex "agreed to counseling" too, the last time I took him back. But when the time came to put his money where his mouth was, he wouldn't do it, and said that all shrinks were quacks, and only wanted your money. He never had any intention of going into counseling: he just told me he would so I'd take him back.

If you're already miserable w/ him and have your doubts, I think you know that you're just wasting your time w/ him. Why stay w/ someone who makes you miserable, and whom you can't trust..

These kind of men don't change. And life is too short to be miserable. There are plenty more fish in the sea....

~KK~
post #14 of 24
That's the one thing that women fall into a trap with: We're nurturers, so by nature we automatically say "Oh I'll do this, I'll do that for you"...and we do this from the start of the relationship. We think that we're demonstrating niceness...in fact though, depending on what we do that's "nice" sticks with the rest of the relationship.

So, for example, if you paid for dates from the start or even went dutch (because he had a pt job and you "felt bad"), then that will stick with the rest of the relationship.

Are you doing couples counseling or is he going by himself? If he's going by himself, stop it. YOU TWO need to go together...it's takes two people to have a relationship. That's the only way you two can get yourself on the same page, but listening to each other and being open and honest.

If he can't learn to appreciate you (meaning that it doesn't have to have the words "Thank you" mouthed...more like a present or the new CD you wanted), then just move on. Yes you love him, but you're also young.
post #15 of 24
Be glad you are not married to him. His true (and possibly future) colors are showing. If you cannot picture being happy with him for the next 10/20/50 yrs then its time to break up and find the right person for you!
post #16 of 24
This fellow is a classic user. He may or may not being using you knowingly and cynically -- but even if it's just weakness rather than conscious abuse, it's still a very unhealthy relationship.

You say you love him, and I understand that. In an ideal world, that would be enough to "fix" him and make things right between you -- but in reality, it just isn't. You need to get away from him -- not only for your own sake, but also for his! Because as long as he has you to lean on, he will never develop into a person with any strength of character at all.

I really think you need to let this end.
post #17 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by KittKatt View Post
Your b/f "crying" is just a manipulative ploy to make you feel guilty. He knows you're getting fed up, so he's gonna play the game b/c he knows it'll get to you.
Yeppers. A way to invoke guilt and manipulate you into staying with him. He knows how to press your buttons and find your weak spot.

I had an ex that threatened to kill himself everytime I threatened to leave. I ended up staying in a very abusive relationship because of that. He made all kinds of promises and every one of them was only temporary.

One day I said I was leaving. I left the house and started to walk down the street. As I did that he was in the garage stringing up a rope to the rafters in the garage yelling at me that he was serious and that he was going to kill himself and that it would be my fault etc etc. In the past I went back. This one day I told him to go ahead and do it because I was done and kept right on walking. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. He didn't go through with it. It was just his way of manipulating me.

You need to stop allowing people to manipulate and guilt you into doing things.
post #18 of 24
I hate to say it, but I think that he's using you. If I were you I'd take a nice long break from the relationship. Then if he really does care about you he'll get the hint and clean up his act. If not, then you know he's not the right man for you, and you can move on.
post #19 of 24
Thread Starter 
Thank you all. we had a nice long talk.

Not sure where things are going from here. I hate this stuff.

I will go back into my lurking corner now.
post #20 of 24
It sounds as if he needs to grow up and take some responsibility for his own life. He has gone from being looked after by his mum to being looked after by you, he's not ever going to move beyond childhood dependence and be an equal partner in any relationship unless he has to spend some time learning how to look after himself. In the long run, you're not doing him any favours by continuing to allow him to be dependent on you - and you're not doing yourself any favours either by allowing yourself to be placed in the position of having to look after him.
post #21 of 24
Listen, taking a "break" never works. Trust me. I've done it several times, and it never works out. If you're breaking up, even for a "break" it's obviously for a reason. This guy sounds verbally abusive and controlling. I've had that too. Take it from someone who knows, you deserve and can do better than this guy. Please keep us posted, and don't let him wear you down. Stick to your guns!
post #22 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyHendrix View Post
Thank you all. we had a nice long talk.
Those "nice long talks" are not to YOUR benefit, but to HIS! He's now under the impression that all he has to do is "play nice" again, promise you what you want to hear, and you'll stay w/ him till the NEXT time - and the next - and the next. The entire process will repeat itself till you get fed up, and decide you've had enough; and by then, you'll probably be so beaten down that it'll take you a looong time to get over it.

Quote:
Not sure where things are going from here. I hate this stuff.
We're trying to tell you where things will go from here - but you're not hearing us. And if you think you hate it NOW, you ain't seen nothing yet!

Quote:
I will go back into my lurking corner now.
We don't want you to "go back in your lurking corner" That's the LAST thing that you should do! By doing that, you're keeping yourself isolated, which means your b/f will have more control over you! I used to isolate myself from everyone too, and that was about the worst thing I could have done, b/c it gave my ex more control over ME! Abusers just love to isolate their victims, so they have the control, and you have no one to turn to who will talk some sense into your head...

Trust us on this one! We've been there already ourselves, and know how it works! The longer you stay w/ him, the worse it will get. You don't want to go there..

~KK~
post #23 of 24
I say get rid of him. He sounds VERY immature. Sometimes ending things is the only way people will learn from their mistakes. It won't get any better. So if you're unhappy, it's time to move on.
post #24 of 24
I read your post and was shocked at how closely it related to my latest relationship. I stayed with that one a full 8 months longer than I should have because of the guilt I felt. He was working when we met, but a few weeks into our relationship he broke his foot. Slowly I began to support both of us, as he ran out of savings, until he was living with me. It just seemed that drama followed him around, and he was a complete mama's boy. They talked on the phone every day, multiple times, and she supported his not looking for a job. They both whined on about how his foot needed to heal completely, until his old employer could no longer hold his position.

I wish now that I had put my foot down earlier. He owes me around $2000 and when I talk to him, there is a whole new set of dramas going on and he can't pay me back yet.

When I began feeling like I was his mother not his girlfriend, our emotional and physical relationship suffered. I was not feeling attracted to him, and he sensed it. He'd grow more insecure and pull pouting fits, making it even worse.

I guess all I can say, is that it doesn't sound like it will get much better. For your own health, it's probably better to pull out earlier than later.
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