I have always paid my way in life, even during some really tough times.
Today I found myself signing papers to declare myself insolvent.
I've been off work for 3 1/2 years on disability. And while I have intensions of returning to my job it's been a long road to recovery and I still see months and months ahead of me for rehab and a back to work program before I am able to get back to my job.
My disability is only 60% of the income that I was earning in 2004 when I went off work and my pension isn't indexed with inflation which means that everything has gone up in price but my income has remained the same. My rent alone has gone up $250.00 per month in the last 3 years.
When I was first off work I could just make ends meet but it's gradually gotten harder and harder as my rent and utilities and groceries have increased in price and it's come to a point where I have been falling behind in everything and taking food off of my table to try and make bill payments and avoiding answering the telephone because of bill collectors. And my homecare lady being wasteful with my toiletries hasn't been helping any because every month I've been having to buy shampoo and shower gel.
My stress levels have been astronomical and I'd fallen into a deep depression despite being on anti-depressants. I've been putting on a happy face for people but inside I felt like I was dying.
I decided last week that I just couldn't do it anymore and spoke to a bankruptcy trustee who went over my options with me and agreed with me that bankruptcy at this point was my only option because massive amounts of interest and late payments were being tacked onto everything I owed and even if I was to return to work tomorrow it would be decades before I managed to pay it all off and much of the debt that I owe now is accumulated interest because I have only been managing to make the minimal payments or just the interest payments.
What a humbling experience to have to disclose everything to complete strangers who in turn will be disclosing everything to more complete strangers.
It wasn't as bad as I thought though. I have to pay them a small sum every month for 9 months and then because it's a first bankruptcy, provided none of the creditors have a problem, I will receive a full discharge in 9 months and be 100% debt free. During this next 9 months I have to give them a monthly accounting of my income and expenses and account for every penny I spend, and I have to go to 2 credit counselling sessions: the first in early January.
I had a bit of a panic attack this morning before I went, but I went anyway and I don't regret it. There is huge guilt because shirking my debts goes against very moral fibre of my being. But there is also massive relief. I should feel shame, but for some reason I don't. For more than 3 years I have felt like I have been standing on the edge of a cliff with water rising around me. And it came to a a point where I just had to do something to get some order and control back into my life. Unfortunately this was the only viable option for me.
I have worked out a budget and after all expenses I have a whole $33.00 left over. It's not much, but it's $33.00 more than I had before. And it's a start.
Today I found myself signing papers to declare myself insolvent.
I've been off work for 3 1/2 years on disability. And while I have intensions of returning to my job it's been a long road to recovery and I still see months and months ahead of me for rehab and a back to work program before I am able to get back to my job.
My disability is only 60% of the income that I was earning in 2004 when I went off work and my pension isn't indexed with inflation which means that everything has gone up in price but my income has remained the same. My rent alone has gone up $250.00 per month in the last 3 years.
When I was first off work I could just make ends meet but it's gradually gotten harder and harder as my rent and utilities and groceries have increased in price and it's come to a point where I have been falling behind in everything and taking food off of my table to try and make bill payments and avoiding answering the telephone because of bill collectors. And my homecare lady being wasteful with my toiletries hasn't been helping any because every month I've been having to buy shampoo and shower gel.
My stress levels have been astronomical and I'd fallen into a deep depression despite being on anti-depressants. I've been putting on a happy face for people but inside I felt like I was dying.
I decided last week that I just couldn't do it anymore and spoke to a bankruptcy trustee who went over my options with me and agreed with me that bankruptcy at this point was my only option because massive amounts of interest and late payments were being tacked onto everything I owed and even if I was to return to work tomorrow it would be decades before I managed to pay it all off and much of the debt that I owe now is accumulated interest because I have only been managing to make the minimal payments or just the interest payments.
What a humbling experience to have to disclose everything to complete strangers who in turn will be disclosing everything to more complete strangers.
It wasn't as bad as I thought though. I have to pay them a small sum every month for 9 months and then because it's a first bankruptcy, provided none of the creditors have a problem, I will receive a full discharge in 9 months and be 100% debt free. During this next 9 months I have to give them a monthly accounting of my income and expenses and account for every penny I spend, and I have to go to 2 credit counselling sessions: the first in early January.
I had a bit of a panic attack this morning before I went, but I went anyway and I don't regret it. There is huge guilt because shirking my debts goes against very moral fibre of my being. But there is also massive relief. I should feel shame, but for some reason I don't. For more than 3 years I have felt like I have been standing on the edge of a cliff with water rising around me. And it came to a a point where I just had to do something to get some order and control back into my life. Unfortunately this was the only viable option for me.
I have worked out a budget and after all expenses I have a whole $33.00 left over. It's not much, but it's $33.00 more than I had before. And it's a start.