TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › Completly betrayed! (LONG!)
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Completly betrayed! (LONG!)

post #1 of 28
Thread Starter 
Okay, a little background information. . .

My friend John and I have been friends upwards of 8 to 9 years. Last year when he had no where to live, and no job to get a place of his own my boyfriend and I let him live with us, with no cost untill he got a job. When he did get a job and his car was not working, we drove him, at no cost to him. When it came time for him to get a car that worked, we found one for him, and helped to get it running and reliable. When he went to jail for street racing, we fronted the money to bail him out, and when he needed a cell phone, I gave him one worth almost $200.00 to help out with the cost because I wanted to help him out. . . That said, many of you may have read the other post about what to do about the annoying girlfriend, Danielle. . .

Well, a few weeks ago, she messaged my boyfriend and I asking what it was that she had done to offend us. I we both told her that it was not any one thing, we did not care for her in general, and to let sleeping dogs lay. . . She did not want to hear that and kept egging us on to tell her, so we did, and we basically told her everything that you can find in this post.

http://thecatsite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=146529

Now mind you, her friend Kendra is my room mate. She moved in with us recently, because her family pretty much kicked her out. They have, her whole life, made her feel like crap, told her she was stupid, to the point that she started to believe it. She was tired of dealing with them, and got to the point that one night on my bed, she sat there balling tears telling me that my boyfriend, best friend Carl (her boyfriend) and I were the only ones that she has ever had that has treated her like she was worth anything. . . She also clued us in that all throughout highschool and in to present day, Danielle would use Kendra. Danielle refuses to get a job, so she would ask Kendra to go to the mall with her, to which Kendra would have to drive, and then beg Kendra to buy her things. She would say "Oh this is pretty! And its not too expensive... "; and Kendra being as gullible as she is would do it, not realizing that the whole thing was Danielles plan from the begining. So it was with her telling us this that I thought she would want to distance herself from these people. Then we told Danielle how much she really sucks at life, and guess what Danielle does? Wraps Kendra around her finger so tight I dont think she can breathe. She pulled the whole, I suck so therefore everyone has to feel sorry for me, instead of me doing something to change it. So now I am guessing that Kendra feels sorry for her. . .

Now back to John. We tried to pull John aside and let him know the negative changes that we have seen in him since getting involved with this girl. He has gone from the kind of person that could argue Semantics with you for hours, to a person who is now stealing narcotics from the pharmacy he works at to take himself/sell to other people. He has gone from someone I would trust to drive my car, and to look after my house, to someone who accuses me of cheating on my boyfriend and steals from me personally. When we try to tell him the difference we notice in him, and the sort of negative influences she has been having on him he says we are just being irrational jerks, and then accuses us of stealing money from him, and only keeping him around to work on our cars. . . It was after him coming over and taking things that were not his, that I told Carl and Kendra both at the same time that John and Danielle were not to be on my property ever again.


So this leads me to the coup de grâce- My borfriend and I went out of town the week of thanksgiving! We entrusted them to look after our home and be sure the cat was taken care of. . . Kendra calls and asks when we will be home, and I told her I was not quite sure, why? To which her reply was, well I wanted to have some people over, because this is my weekend off work... I told her I did not mind, that she is an adult, that I just request that John and Danielle are not broguht into my home. She then says that is who she was planning on inviting, and that they respect her, and wont do anything. I told her I dont care who they respect. I dont want them in my home. . . My request was competley ignored, because not only did they have them over that day, but also the night after and before. They have not openly come out and told me that, but what they forget is that we have all of the same friends, and the other people that were there called me and told me they were in my house. . .
So my dilemma at this point is that I can not trust them. I feel like I have been totaly and completly betrayed! What would anyone else do? My boyfriend wants to tell her that she has 24 hours to get her things and leave, but I am a softie, and have decided to hear her side of the story...

What is everyone elses opinion. I am sorry this is so long, but I feel like I have been totaly betrayed by two of the only people I can trust!
post #2 of 28
Well, I have compassion, too, but I'd draw the line at letting people stay in my home, where my cats and I live. And the problem with freeloaders is, you give them an inch, they'll take the whole thing and then get mad at YOU if you dare to protest. I say let people get some self-respect by having personal responsibility; those are the only kind of friends I'm interested in having. People who freeload are bad news and trouble waiting to happen. Word to the wise: ditch them all, now, before you really have cause to regret.
post #3 of 28
Call me unkind if you like, but I don't think there is a "her side of the story" in this case. There would be if she had just had them over without saying anything to you, and you found out about it later. But she specifically called you about her plan -- to be sure, it was not to ask your permission, but you were very clear with her that you did not want those people in your house, and she went ahead and invited them anyway. No wonder you feel betrayed.

Twenty-four hours may be a little abrupt, but you have to be able to trust the people sharing your house, so telling her to find another place, and giving her a deadline to do so, does not strike me as inappropriate.
post #4 of 28
call me compliant, or whatever, but if you all just share friends, why is there so much hatred and why is it so known? Personally if I'm that "friend in the middle" I get out of the middle and pick a side.

It sucks to see john and kendra get used and yes, you can say that you're not fond of Danielle, however I wouldn't be so angry if this Danielle came over while I was away. Unless she's stolen things from your home or destroys things (on purpose).

All of you are adults and are adult enough to make your own decisions.
post #5 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lunasmom View Post
call me compliant, or whatever, but if you all just share friends, why is there so much hatred and why is it so known? Personally if I'm that "friend in the middle" I get out of the middle and pick a side.

It sucks to see john and kendra get used and yes, you can say that you're not fond of Danielle, however I wouldn't be so angry if this Danielle came over while I was away. Unless she's stolen things from your home or destroys things (on purpose).

All of you are adults and are adult enough to make your own decisions.

Unfortuatley it is John who has taken things from my home. Not to mention the fact that he steals from his own job. I dont want any of the drugs he steals in my home. I do not want him in my home. I do not trust them. And it is the simple fact that I asked them not to bring them over, and my requests in my own home were completly ignored. Kendra is legally not even supposed to be there. She is not on the lease but because she had no where to live, I have gone out on a limb to help her, and this is how I am thanked. . .
post #6 of 28
My advice? Cut your losses and remove yourself from the situation. Meaning, stop associating with John, his mooching girl friend and Kendra.
post #7 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoRachelHere View Post
Unfortuatley it is John who has taken things from my home. Not to mention the fact that he steals from his own job. I dont want any of the drugs he steals in my home. I do not want him in my home. I do not trust them. And it is the simple fact that I asked them not to bring them over, and my requests in my own home were completly ignored. Kendra is legally not even supposed to be there. She is not on the lease but because she had no where to live, I have gone out on a limb to help her, and this is how I am thanked. . .
Thanks for clarifying that I thought it was a case of "I don't like her I don't want her in my home" thing.

Then yes...kick out Kendra. Let her figure out on her own how bad they are (if she ever does...)
post #8 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tarasgirl06 View Post
Well, I have compassion, too, but I'd draw the line at letting people stay in my home, where my cats and I live. And the problem with freeloaders is, you give them an inch, they'll take the whole thing and then get mad at YOU if you dare to protest. I say let people get some self-respect by having personal responsibility; those are the only kind of friends I'm interested in having. People who freeload are bad news and trouble waiting to happen. Word to the wise: ditch them all, now, before you really have cause to regret.


These people obviously do not respect you or your wishes, and are just using you & your b/f, IMO. And they'll keep on doing it, as long as you let them...

Having a "big heart" will only get you in more trouble, if you give it to the wrong person. I've had to experience that kind of betrayal, too. Take it from someone who knows..

~KK~
post #9 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoRachelHere View Post
she has 24 hours to get her things and leave, but I am a softie, and have decided to hear her side of the story...
i would not even give her 24 hours, only as long as it takes to throw stuff on the street.
post #10 of 28
Oh I feel for you being in this situation. I can see why you want to help, but honestly, they don't care like you do and don't deserve it anymore. And I'd say THEY are the ones that made the decisions to be untrustworthy so though they may blame you, it's still their decision. I swear one of my biggest pet peeves in life is people who won't take responsibility for their actions!!!

I'd give Kendra a date that she has to be out by, say in 2 weeks MAX! (less would be better!)Any longer and she'll hope you'll forget! And distance yourself from all of them. They are hurting you and putting so much stress in your life you did not ask for. I know it's not an easy thing to do, but for your own sanity and relationship with your BF, it sounds necessary!

My Mom and Aunt had to remove my cousin from feeloading off my Grandparents. They litterally put her things outside and said come get them you are not staying here. If no one would have done that, she'd still be there freeloading. It's the nature of freeloaders.
post #11 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoochNNoodles View Post
I swear one of my biggest pet peeves in life is people who won't take responsibility for their actions!!!
Me too! I think it's part of our Virgo nature, MNN!

Nothing irritates me more than people who whine & whine about "poor pitiful me", when the only person who's at fault is themself for not taking responsibility..

~KK~
post #12 of 28
As much as it would hurt you need to cut them out, and stop letting friends live with you for the mean while!
post #13 of 28
Sweetie, I feel for you, I really do. I must start by saying I have had a couple of glasses of wine so my opinion may be a bit out there. But who cares, we all love each other right?

After reading what you have said and what other people have said I cant agree more. What I mean is I agree with what everyone else has said. You have been disrespected and you need to put a stop to it. Some people never learn. The people you have talked about sound like the type that will never learn untill face with having to grow up. The best thing you can do is kick whoever is living in your house out and stop helping anyone who is not yourself and your BF. What will help them most is a shot of reality and having to rely on themselves. It sounds like you both are being taken advantage of and it won't stop untill you make it stop. These people will never learn how to fend for themselves untill they half to. Stop paying all of their bills and letting them walk all over you. They need to stand up and be adults and take responsability for their own actions, what ever they may be.
post #14 of 28
You can only help people that are also willing to help themselves. Money is not a bandaid. That entire family needs some serious help that you are not qualified to and cannot provide. Cut off the cash cow. Stop paying for things for them. Things are not going to make anything for anyone better. Your house is your castle and they no longer deserve any level of respect from you and do not deserve to be in your life.

Everyone has alot that they can complain about, especially when it comes to family life, but there's also alot to be grateful for. I refuse to associate with people who pull the "Poor, poor pitiful me" pity party. You know what I tell them? Take a poo and get it out, get help to get it out if necessary, or get off the pot. There's alot of people that don't have food, a roof over their heads, and comfortable clothes on their backs.

Also being a Floridian, PLEASE research our state's eviction laws. They are tilted VERY much in favor of the tenant. You are essentially a landlord ESPECIALLY if you have ever accepted any money from her and are bound by those laws. Florida judges don't generally care if there was ever a written lease because we have squatter laws. If her drivers license/state ID has your address on it, that is her home, and there are alot of things neither one of you can do. This girl is the type of person that if she has a teaspoon of brains, she will use those laws against you.
post #15 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by cazlee View Post
You can only help people that are also willing to help themselves. Money is not a bandaid. That entire family needs some serious help that you are not qualified to and cannot provide. Cut off the cash cow. Stop paying for things for them. Things are not going to make anything for anyone better. Your house is your castle and they no longer deserve any level of respect from you and do not deserve to be in your life.

Everyone has alot that they can complain about, especially when it comes to family life, but there's also alot to be grateful for. I refuse to associate with people who pull the "Poor, poor pitiful me" pity party. You know what I tell them? Take a poo and get it out, get help to get it out if necessary, or get off the pot. There's alot of people that don't have food, a roof over their heads, and comfortable clothes on their backs.

Also being a Floridian, PLEASE research our state's eviction laws. They are tilted VERY much in favor of the tenant. You are essentially a landlord ESPECIALLY if you have ever accepted any money from her and are bound by those laws. Florida judges don't generally care if there was ever a written lease because we have squatter laws. If her drivers license/state ID has your address on it, that is her home, and there are alot of things neither one of you can do. This girl is the type of person that if she has a teaspoon of brains, she will use those laws against you.
I'm sorry to butt in, but did you read her post properly? The girl she doesnt like isnt living with them.
post #16 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by fwan View Post
I'm sorry to butt in, but did you read her post properly? The girl she doesnt like isnt living with them.
The girl had people over to her house that she didn't want over, complains of a poor family life, etc.

"Now mind you, her friend Kendra is my room mate. She moved in with us recently, because her family pretty much kicked her out. They have, her whole life, made her feel like crap, told her she was stupid, to the point that she started to believe it. She was tired of dealing with them, and got to the point that one night on my bed, she sat there balling tears telling me that my boyfriend, best friend Carl (her boyfriend) and I were the only ones that she has ever had that has treated her like she was worth anything. . . She also clued us in that all throughout highschool and in to present day, Danielle would use Kendra. Danielle refuses to get a job, so she would ask Kendra to go to the mall with her, to which Kendra would have to drive, and then beg Kendra to buy her things"

"So this leads me to the coup de grâce- My borfriend and I went out of town the week of thanksgiving! We entrusted them to look after our home and be sure the cat was taken care of. . . Kendra calls and asks when we will be home, and I told her I was not quite sure, why? To which her reply was, well I wanted to have some people over, because this is my weekend off work... I told her I did not mind, that she is an adult, that I just request that John and Danielle are not broguht into my home. She then says that is who she was planning on inviting, and that they respect her, and wont do anything. I told her I dont care who they respect. I dont want them in my home. . . My request was competley ignored, because not only did they have them over that day, but also the night after and before."


Likable or not, I most certanly would not allow anyone to live with me that completely disregards my requests about my own home, and would not associate further with her or other "friends" using me for money. That would end any relationship I had with anyone.
post #17 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
My advice? Cut your losses and remove yourself from the situation. Meaning, stop associating with John, his mooching girl friend and Kendra.
I know you want to help, but at this point they need far more than a place to sleep. John is on a downward spiral, Danielle is toxic and Kendra sounds too weak to trust. She may want to tell Danielle to shove it, but I don't think she's got the intestinal fortitude.

This situation is already hurting you. I would show them all the door...
post #18 of 28
It is you who are suffering from low self-esteem if you think you need to stay friends with any of these people. Get them out of your life now, stand on your own two feet and make your own decisions about who you will be friends with in future. Do not be friends with people just because they tell you they need you - all you are doing is storing up grief.
post #19 of 28
Those are toxic people. and will probably never be anything else. They are walking all over you and using your good nature. The only thing you can do is get rid of them. There is a reason their families will have nothing to do with her.
It was bad enough before, but the stealing of the drugs is out of the question. You do not want to get involved in anything like that and end up in jail. Anyone that would act like that would certainly throw you to the wolves if the police ever become involved, and they will. It is just a mater of time. They inventory narcotics regularly.
Please buck up and run them off before your whole world drops around your ears!
post #20 of 28
I agree with the others-they see you as a doormat and are taking advantage of you.
If you know John is stealing drugs thats not a good situation for you -even remotely to be connected with.
Be firm with them and say no more freeloading. They need to learn how to act like adults and you need to be a good example.
post #21 of 28
Hears what I think probably happened that night that John and Danielle came over. I think that Kendra said no, and they *promised* to behave. She is too weak to trust, as someone has already said.

I think that you shouldn't kick her out, but make sure that she goes somewhere when you do, and take her key off her. You can get one of your other friends to deal with the cats. This isn't really Kendra's fault. She is just too gullible and weak. She gives in too easily and is easily lead. It sounds like John and Danielle have become manipulative, and she is an easy target to get them what they want. You just need to avoid future events where it is possible for her to go against you (unintentionally, if you know what I mean.)
post #22 of 28
I am so glad you are all giving her the same advice I try to tell her. It is good for her to hear it from others "outside" of the loop.

When I found out Kendra was staying there with them I was FURIOUS however, she being an adult needed to once again find out that you cant trust anyone.

In some of your responses you talked about freeloaders and people who use people...if only I could get her to take the blinders all the way off and look at all the people in her circle and see them for what they really are..........
post #23 of 28
Well I hate to say it but I would kick her out and right off your other friend and hope he wakes up to himself at some point I would not have anyone in my home with my kitty who I could not trust how are you gunna feel if next time you come home and your kittys are gone or hurt with no trust you just don't know what will happen
post #24 of 28
Thread Starter 
Kendra is the only one that lives with me now. John lives with Danielle in her parents house. I am going to hear what Kendra has to say about it, and then I am going to most likely ask her to leave, especially if she denies they were there when I ask her about it.

I have already cut John and Danielle from my life . . . Kendra does not see what kind of horrible people they are. I wish she would wake up and realize it but nothing I can do will make that happen. . .

The worst part of this whole situation is that Kendra seemes like such a genuinely good person. Sometime the best actors are the ones you least expect I suppose. . .
post #25 of 28
Oh hon,
dealing with freeloading friends with zero brains is the worst.
So she has no where to go, I truly can understand that since most likely she disrespected the other people's places she was staying at and the people got angry about it, thus sending her packing like you're thinking about doing.

So, ok you're going to ask her about it, are you sure you want to hear anything about what went down in your house while you were gone?
Honestly, I'd just tell her, I'm sorry, if you can't respect my rules, then you can't stay here.
As for the drugs being in your house, even the stupidest person knows drugs are illegal so why would she put your house and animals at risk letting John the drug user bring them in in the first place?
I'd never let anyone stay with us anymore, down on their luck or not, I'm sorry but that's just the way I am. I am very cautious with my animals and trust only a select few to care for them when I am not at home. (Not to mention the fact that when we owned rental property we were burned more then once by DH's friends being down on their luck) If I ever found out someone did anything to my animals (especially if I was letting them live in my home/my cats home I mean) I'd flip and they'd never enjoy life again.
So for me it's better if noone lives with us for that reason alone.
So to you IMO I'd tell Kendra I'm sorry you need to go and live with John and Danielle because you can't live here anymore because you can't be trusted when I'm not here and you don't respect my rules. I went out on a limb taking you in and you disrespected me even though I told you not to bring them in my house. So pack you stuff you have a week. I'm sorry it had to end this way.
post #26 of 28
Legally you have to give Kendra a 30 day eviction notice since she's in your home now.

I would not be friends with any of them from now on - no matter WHAT they whine and cry about. Sometimes you have to take the hard/tough road.

Each adult is responsible for their own actions - time for them to take that responsibility - you've done enough for them now.

Also because of problems like you are experiencing, anytime we have a situtation like that for a friend or family where they need to stay for a time, they sign a written contract between us spelling out our "rules". DH's brother is staying with us right now. First week he was with us (and we were out of state) we had some problems. As of now, we cannot trust him to be reliable with the animals.

But he knows that rules and he knows the consequences of not following them.
post #27 of 28
Honestly, I would kick Kendra out right now. If she is going to disrespect you and completely ignore your rules for the house, then she doesn't deserve to be living there.
post #28 of 28
I think Goldenkitty's idea of a contract is great. Make it on your own terms, in writing, before you let anyone move in again. Get with a lawyer if you have to, be very clear.

Sorry this is happening. I would let any of them continue to use you. Stupidity is not a valid excuse and won't get them very far. They probably do need professional help, all of them, like someone else said, they need more than a place to sleep, they need help beyond what you can give, and they are going to continue to bring you down, on purpose or not. This situation sounds like it can go from bad to worse very quickly. Cut ties and move on.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Cat Lounge
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › Completly betrayed! (LONG!)