Thank you all so much for your comments. They have truly helped me feel that I can share this and I am not alone. I have been reading them the past two days although I didn't have the heart to write back because I just felt so numb. This year has been an especially hard year for me..two weeks before I got Nina I moved to a new city, got studio apartment by myself, and started a new job. Although I had long planned on getting a cat after I graduated from college, I realized that having Nina also made it easier to live alone in a new city. With her gone, I feel so alone. I have barely been able to sleep the past three nights. The day I put her down I was in total shock, I cried, but I think it was more because I had to leave her there. But the day after it hit me really hard. No matter what I do, how much I pray, she's never coming back. She's really gone. I have been fortunate that I have never had to see the suffering and death of someone I loved. but with her I experienced that for the first time and it is really hard. I feel like I'm being dramatic, but then the pain is real. I am not one to big overly dramatic, emotional, or cry a lot. So it's really saying something that I have been crying off and on for the last two days. I just can't believe it! Is she really gone? Then I get upset.. why her? why so soon? When I got her I really made the commitment to have her for the next 10-20 years. I am going to medical school next year, and I imagined her being there with me, curled up in my lap as she always was, as I studied. She always greeted me when I came home from work, rubbed against me, purred, followed me everywhere.. so it's hard no having her when I come home.
The more I read about FIP, the sicker it makes me. Three days ago, I had never heard about it, Being in the medical field myself, it is awful that there is no diagnosis, no telling who will get it, when, no treatment, cure or prevention, and that it gives no second chance with a 100% mortality. The fact that it is fairly rare (most research said less than 5% of the general cat pop. although it is slightly higher in multi-cat homes/shelters), and many places said how it is the 'most feared' illness in cats because it one of the few which vets and scientists don't know anything about. And I keep thinking, why her, why her.. I feel what are the chances that out of all the cats, Nina had it and it happened under my care. I hate FIP!! It took my beautiful little Nina from me.And to all those also going through deaths due to FIP.. I really feel the pain because it is so unexpected and sudden, with no time to prepare and no real way to help, except to let them go as quietly and peacefully as possible.
Nina was the sweetest and prettiest cat. The pictures don't do her justice. In the short time I had her, she never once bit or scratched me, and never ever tried to. I know her favorite thing was me. She wasn't a big fan of playing with the many toys I got her, instead she would always try to sit in my lap and curl up. That was her favorite thing. She was quiet, and slept throughout the night with me, never bothering me. We always curled up together, and many nights she would curl up on my back, since I'm a stomach sleeper, and we would both fall asleep. If I shifted position she would get up and wait patiently until she could curl up with me again. She loved to be brushed and I will miss the way how she would knead up legs once this got my lap and purr. She was clean and never had any accidents. Even as she was dying, the two times she threw up bile, it was like she knew not to do it on the carpet. Once it was in the bathtub, and the morning before I had to put her down it was on the kitchen tile. I thought that was fascinating because those we two places she never really hung out. Even when she had some really bad diaherra the night before, she got up, as weak as she was, and sat in front of the litter box. Then when she had to go, she went and did it there, although she didn't have the strength to cover it. Some may say it's instinct, but I know I like to be clean, but if I was in my death bed I don't even thing I would do that. The saddest thing at the vet on her last day, she was quiet the entire time (and she's usually always quiet), getting her temperature taken, belly tapped etc... But at the exact moment the vet wrapped her a towel and lifted her up to take her away from me to be put down, she meowed.. clearly. I feel that was her way of saying goodbye, don't worry about me, and I'll miss you too. I know she's in a better place.. but the thing that strikes me is that never in all my wildest imagination of having a pet, did I think I would get as much as I did for her. In such a short amount of time I got so attached.. I didn't think it could happen that fast.. and it really doesn't matter how long I had her.. she was my first love.. I knew it from the moment I saw her at the rescue that I wanted to give her the best for the rest of her life..and I guess that is what happened, as short as it was. I feel like she filled a part of me that was missing, and that's more than i ever thought I would receive.. I felt unconditionally loved no matter what..and she gave me more than I ever expected.
The reality is that I always having wanted a cat 'companion' and it seems such a waste for me not too, since I have a good home for it. And to move forward, I think I'm going to wait a couple weeks, then start thinking seriously about fostering another cat..it will be hard.. really hard. Deja-vu..is it too soon?? I don't know .. and I feel like compared to Nina none of them will be good enough. Because she was perfect in my eyes. And I know I'll always be paranoid that something might happen to it. I think I'll start with only fostering one, until I can love it unconditionally like I loved Nina. I hope I can do that.. but I don't want to replace Nina or forget about her.. And I know I never will!
I miss her sooooooo much!! And think about her all the time! It is getting slightly easier with time because instead of thinking about the suffering she endured her last week, (and because I know she's no longer suffering), I try to think of the good times: when I first got her, when she first started showing me affection, how she curled up and look up at me on my lap.. awwwww. She was my beautiful little Nina!!
My Little Nina, I'll always remember and miss you!