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Advice Requested: How Do I Say This?

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
Our daughter made some new friends in school this year, one I'll call Charisse. Daughter has been invited to Charisse's birthday party, and it looks like Charisse wants daughter to sleep over that night.

I haven't met Charisse's mother and have no idea if she is a responsible person or not. Charisse lies sometimes, and embellishes a lot, but it is obviously a grab for attention. She told daughter that her father moved out.

No way I'm leaving our nine-year-old daughter with strangers overnight! But what do I say to the mother when she asks, without being offensive? They might be the greatest people in the world, or the kids might have "uncles" staying over all the time. The point is I don't know.

(BTW, daughter is going to be very upset that she can't sleep over. Why do people do things like this? Do they truly expect us to say yes to to a sleepover with strangers?)
post #2 of 16
Is there still time to meet the mother?
post #3 of 16
When my oldest was 11, she made a friend I'll call K. K lived with grandma and grandpa in a not-so-nice part of town. I really didn't want dd sleeping over there. K also had some "issues" as well. Mom was not in the picture at all, I think she saw dad maybe 1x a year. (or maybe it was the other way around).

The only time she ever saw K was at church. She doesn't go to the same school as dd. And K was the only one who went to church. I think grandma stayed once, and wasn't very welcomed there. Which is another post completely.

I had K over here, and dd never stayed over there. I didn't want my child over there AT ALL. K was pretty cool about coming over here, though I had problems with her not listening to me at all (sigh).

When the girls hit middle school, K stopped going to church. I think some of the girls weren't being very nice to her (sigh).

I guess my only advice would be- is there a way that you might be able to get the friend to stay at your house?

And you're not strange. I don't let either of my girls stay over at a house where I haven't physically met the parents either. We've had a couple of problems with sleepovers (I had to pick one of my kids up once b/c there were problems amongst the girls, dd was in tears and wanted to come home).
post #4 of 16
I had another thought to. Perhaps prepare your daughter for not spending the night, but offer to help the mother out during the evening. Then you can get to know her a bit more, see if the situation is going to be OK.

Then if it is OK take out the packed sleeping bag and overnight bag for daughter that you secretly packed in the car without her seeing

If you decide that its not a good situation, then make your excuses at an appropriate time and leave.
post #5 of 16
I would let your daughter go to the birthday party and not spend the night. Then she does not miss out on all the fun but it is more within your comfort level.
post #6 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by lunasmom View Post
Is there still time to meet the mother?
Thats what I was thinking...
post #7 of 16
I think if you just politely say you prefer your daughter doesn't sleep away from your home at night, it doesn't sound it's directed just at the mother.

I would be hesitant to let my daughter stay even if I did spend time with the mother that day - because you don't always know the true nature of people at first meeting.
post #8 of 16
I would just be totally honest, but there is a way to be, without sounding better than everyone so to speak! I have been presented with this very thing, not to long ago!
I did meet the mom, and I said, "I hope you understand, please take no offense, but I don't know you all, and it makes me uncomfortable letting my daughter spend the night with people we don't know! I'm sure you understand, seeing how you have a daughter also!"
That was all that was said, she even said the same I did, right back to me
whenever I said that! She understood completely! And if the mom you will be dealing with doesn't understand, and jumps on the defense, there is your answer, Red Flag, a sign!!!

If you ask the daughter to stay at your house, you will still be faced with the above situation sooner or later. There is no crime in protecting you family, and if people don't understand that, oh well, tooo bad! I bet she'll agree!!!
Good Luck!
Let us know what you decide to do!
Monique

we have got to protect our own, like my mom told me.....don't do something and regret it later! she was refering to my son! And children only stay mad for a little while! And like someone else said, prepare your daughter before, like tonight sit down with her and tell her how you feel about that kind of situation, explain and listen to her input, my son loves this, that way when it comes down to the day that the girl might ask her to spend the night, you both can look at each other, and say, blah blah blah......and your girl won't be all upset, and trying to make a scene.
post #9 of 16
Tell Charisse's mother (and your daughter) that you have plans for early the next morning, so a sleepover is out of the question. Then come up with an actual plan. Do any department stores near you have "Christmas villages"? Is there a zoo, museum, or the like, that your daughter particularly likes? An ice skating rink?
post #10 of 16
Why not meet the mother, or go with your daughter to assess the situation first.
post #11 of 16
Hmmm, I remember my mom having this problem. She invited the other girl over a few times that way she was able to meet the mom when she dropped/picked up the girl. Long story short, my sister never ended up staying over at the house. You could try that.
post #12 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Misty8723 View Post
I think if you just politely say you prefer your daughter doesn't sleep away from your home at night, it doesn't sound it's directed just at the mother.

I would be hesitant to let my daughter stay even if I did spend time with the mother that day - because you don't always know the true nature of people at first meeting.
That is what I did , I am very cautious who is around my children.
post #13 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by jcat View Post
Tell Charisse's mother (and your daughter) that you have plans for early the next morning, so a sleepover is out of the question. Then come up with an actual plan. Do any department stores near you have "Christmas villages"? Is there a zoo, museum, or the like, that your daughter particularly likes? An ice skating rink?
That's what I would do!
post #14 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by carwashcats View Post
"I hope you understand, please take no offense, but I don't know you all, and it makes me uncomfortable letting my daughter spend the night with people we don't know! I'm sure you understand, seeing how you have a daughter also!"
I would say something similar, I don't think there's anything wrong with being truthful about it.

Explain the same to your daughter.
post #15 of 16
I had a similar situation when our daughter was around 11. She had one friend at school that I had concerns about. There was a lot of drinking at their home and their son was a bad apple and only a year or two older than the girls.

I told our daughter and their mother that we didn't let Jennifer stay overnight anywhere if we didn't know the people well.
post #16 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by jcat View Post
Tell Charisse's mother (and your daughter) that you have plans for early the next morning, so a sleepover is out of the question. Then come up with an actual plan. Do any department stores near you have "Christmas villages"? Is there a zoo, museum, or the like, that your daughter particularly likes? An ice skating rink?
LOL! I just used this excuse to keep MYSELF from staying the night at a friend's house! I love her like a sister, but I just wanted to go home that night and sleep in my own bed, not on someone's couch.
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