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Advice on Dating and Drugs......

post #1 of 29
Thread Starter 
I resently hooked up one of my friends with a guy friend of mine. He came over to hang out and we left her and him alone. Well today I talk to her about how it went last night. They watched a movie, had a good time, didn't kiss yet because he doesn't like to treat women like trash, and oh yeah, he smokes pot......

So I'm thinking, well freaking great! I just set her up with someone I would never date. I had no idea that he smoked and I feel terrible now! She told me it's no big deal because he was honest with her about it and he respects her wish to never be around it.

What do you think. Is it ok that he doesn't do it around her, or if she disagrees with it should he not do it anymore if they get serious?! I honestly don't know where I stand on this issue.
post #2 of 29
Depends on how the guy treats your friend. If he treats her with respect & diginity, then everything should be fine. Your friend should know if hes one of the good guys or one of the bad guys. If he chooses to smoke something of that nature, your friend doesn't have to be around it if she wishes not to. He sounds like he is a good person...They just need time to get to know each other some more Your friend will know if hes the right guy

Don't feel bad about setting her up with that guy, you didn't know, & he still may be good for her
post #3 of 29
It's something they have to discuss & work out. For me, I could never date someone who smokes anything. It bothers me....that is just me, though.
post #4 of 29
Something i learnt in my teens, stop setting people up!
post #5 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by EnzoLeya View Post
She told me it's no big deal because he was honest with her about it and he respects her wish to never be around it.
Personally I don't see a problem here at all. She knows and she's ok with it.

You have to ask yourself why you seem to have a problem with it. However, regardless, it's up to her in the end.

Lots of people smoke or have smoked "Sweet Mary Jane". Me included back in my "youth".

If she's interested in continuing to see him she has to accept him and his habits. It's a bad idea to get involved with someone and hope they will change when things get serious. That's not how life works. Accept the person as they are or move along and let someone else find them who respects them enough to not try and change them.
post #6 of 29
At this point she has absolutely no say, if they keep seeing each other and it becomes more serious then she could ask him to stop. And only if it truly bothers her or could be a potential problem in their relationship.


Even my husband smoked a little before and when we first started going out. I asked him to stop because he has asthma, he does not need anything like that going into his lungs. He even admitted it would set off attacks.
(I also harassed him at that time to see a better doctor, one more current and familiar with asthma treatments, so that he could get on better medicines for it.)
post #7 of 29
the only way to know the answer for sure is if they go on a couple of dates and continue dating. Some people say they don't have a problem with it, but they chose not to date someone.

I'm sure that if you acted surprise at the ordeal, she'll know that you just didn't realize he smoked pot and won't blame you or anything.
post #8 of 29
Whether or not he's honest doesn't matter when it comes to illegal drugs. I would just apoligize to her that you didn't know he did them.

I would not date someone that was doing drugs. DH tried pot a long time ago as a kid - but never continued it.
post #9 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
Personally I don't see a problem here at all. She knows and she's ok with it.

You have to ask yourself why you seem to have a problem with it. However, regardless, it's up to her in the end.

Lots of people smoke or have smoked "Sweet Mary Jane". Me included back in my "youth".

If she's interested in continuing to see him she has to accept him and his habits. It's a bad idea to get involved with someone and hope they will change when things get serious. That's not how life works. Accept the person as they are or move along and let someone else find them who respects them enough to not try and change them.
Ha ha, now I don't have to type all that, thank you Linda. Once again, dead-on.
post #10 of 29
I said "Respect her and not do drugs around her, it's his choice his life".

It's really up to her though, not him. It's his choice what he does, and he's been honest about it. If she really doesn't like it, he shouldn't do it around her - I would hope he'd do that whether she was just a friend something more. And it seems that since you didn't know about it, he's not constantly stoned.

Personally I would not date a guy who smokes anything, as it's something I am very against. I would appreciate him being up front though, and if he's a nice guy, then still remain friends with him.
post #11 of 29
Honestly unless someone is a complete stoner you dont know if they have ever smoked pot. I have a lot of friends that smoke, I dont and wouldnt change that, but I wouldnt stop hanging around them just because I found out they did it. You didnt know so she wont be mad at you! But I agree she shouldnt go into the relationship expecting him to change! Thats just wrong. Its not fair to make someone change something that you said you were fine with in the beginning. Maybe you should ask him how often he does, or why. And how old is he? Its something he will probably grow out of eventually....
post #12 of 29
From experience I've learned that most people, unless it has become a physical addiction, quit smoking once they get more mature. I have some friends who were the biggest pot-heads in the class. When his girlfriend got pregnant and he realized he was going to be a DADDY, he quit and made his best friend quit. No one was going to do anything around his new baby, even tho the baby was only 3 months developed.

Your dilema is between your friends. If they get more involved, then she can ask him to quit. But not in the beginning of the relationship.
post #13 of 29
drug use is a very hot issue... i don't think there's much chance of a stable, long-term relationship with 2 people whose ideas of what is acceptable behavior are so diametrically opposed.

i voted for choice 2, but choice 3 is also a possibility. basically, each will probably attempt to convert the other fo his/her point of view. i feel this is pretty much guaranteed when someone truly believes he/she is correct in the life decisions he/she has made.

this is why i would never date someone who did not have similar beliefs to mine - on all major life choices.
post #14 of 29
I think it's totally between him and her. She seems to know her own mind on the subject and not need any advice.
post #15 of 29
hope she kicks the loser out the door
post #16 of 29
Thread Starter 
Thanks everyone for the great advice. I just love this site because everyone is so nice and there is a lot of diversity of people and opinions. I really do feel bad, but hopefully something can be done between them. I'm on the side of never dating a smoker of any kind, I just hate smoke, not too mension I'm terribly allergic to it.

I will just leave it as is and hope that maturity is what will end his habbit. I chose "let him do it, but not around her it's his choice".
post #17 of 29
Thread Starter 
I just noticed someone asked how old he is. He's 22, so I suppose he is still young and has a good chance of still growing out of it.
post #18 of 29
22 is still "frat boy age" I'm sure within a year or so it wont be a problem!

And I'm sorry but if you only date people with the exact same views then it seems like you are keeping yourself in a bubble. Its okay to be with people with some different views. It can help you see the good in those views too.
post #19 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by capt_jordi View Post
22 is still "frat boy age" I'm sure within a year or so it wont be a problem!

And I'm sorry but if you only date people with the exact same views then it seems like you are keeping yourself in a bubble. Its okay to be with people with some different views. It can help you see the good in those views too.
i'm talking about major life beliefs, not small issues.
post #20 of 29
Personally, I've never smoked anything in my life -- not even a regular cigarette.

However. Two points to be made:

1. Marijuana is not exactly crack. If you get into the history of it, you discover that its horrors have always been greatly exaggerated (beginning with William Randolph Hearst and a campaign to protect the paper-production holdings of his newspaper empire). In moderation, "Demon Weed" would actually be far less destructive to the human body than alcohol -- except that it is traditionally smoked, and smoking is never a good idea.

2. If I had gotten all high-and-mighty about moderate marijuana use when I met my former significant other, if I had called him a "loser" and dumped him... I would have missed out on the most meaningful and treasured relationship of my life. He quit smoking two weeks after we met and has never touched it again. We spent four years together, and he has remained my very dearest friend for twenty more.

Don't get me wrong -- there are some faults that are absolute dealbreakers. Violent tendencies, lying, Ku Klux Klan membership, things like that. But occasional marijuana use doesn't necessarily mean the guy has one foot in the flames of Hell!
post #21 of 29
As long as his smoking doesn't get out of hand there shouldn't be a problem. Yes, marijuana is a drug but the fact that he was honest with her tells me that it hasn't taken control of his life. As long as he can stay in control then I don't see anything wrong with it. It's his choice to smoke.
post #22 of 29
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post

Don't get me wrong -- there are some faults that are absolute dealbreakers. Violent tendencies, lying, Ku Klux Klan membership, things like that. But occasional marijuana use doesn't necessarily mean the guy has one foot in the flames of Hell!


Too funny. I will have to agree with you though. It's not the worst thing he could do and as long as he respects her wishes I will stay out of it. But as soon as I hear about him doing anything else in you list he's going to get an ear full!!!!!
post #23 of 29
IMO, he could certainly do worse things. He sounds like a pretty good guy.

After living in a home with an alcoholic for many years (my dad), I would rather have had him smoke a bit of weed every day than drink.

I am very against hard drugs, but a little marijuana once in awhile isn't going to hurt anyone and I don't believe (as some folks say) that it is habit-forming. In fact I'd say tobacco cigarettes are far more habit-forming than MJ.
post #24 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
IMO, he could certainly do worse things. He sounds like a pretty good guy.

After living in a home with an alcoholic for many years (my dad), I would rather have had him smoke a bit of weed every day than drink.

I am very against hard drugs, but a little marijuana once in awhile isn't going to hurt anyone and I don't believe (as some folks say) that it is habit-forming. In fact I'd say tobacco cigarettes are far more habit-forming than MJ.
Well said!
post #25 of 29
I think it should be his choice and just respect that she doesn't want any part of it. If they become serious, then they should have a talk about it - like her not wanting it in their house or something like that. But since it is a new relationship, and she has no problem because he was honest, then let them be
post #26 of 29
I just wanted to comment....

Me, being a 27 year old male, am a recovered drug addict (heroine, crack, etc.). You name it, and unfortunately I have been there. The one I held on to the longest.... Pot! I have had three major relationships in my life (2 girlfriends and now my wife) All three never had a problem w/ pot... at the beginning.

It makes sense that your friend doesn't mind it b/c she is head over heels right now over a new guy. Nothing else really matters at the moment. The problem is.. for both of them... they haven't reached a completely comfortable stage w/ each other. When that time comes... she'll want to see a change.. and at some point, she'll want to see him either stop or slow down.

Nothing is wrong w/ that at all but from my experience, one who doesn't smoke will only put up w/ it for so long. Depending on his smoking routine and how close they get, it will get in the way. It might be different if they both smoked but eventually... the relationship will dwindle. He will at some point, make a choice between pot an her... not meaning breaking up neccesarily, but for occasions such as: hanging out w/ her family, getting to know them.... a smoke-free date or night out... hanging out w/ her friends w/o smoking...etc.

It's far from your fault.... like others stated already... she knows and she is still with him... so let it be... it will work itself out

I used to not believe pot stopped or slowed success but it does... and my guess is... this guy doesn't have good work ethics... could be wrong though.
Pot is not the worst thing in the world.... BETTER THAN ALCOHOL! but when it comes to a relationship where road is split... then problems will eventually rise w/ comfort levels.

I've got my own family now w/ a wife who can't stand it..... I made my choice...lol...no doubt....

to all...please take no offense to this post...none was intended.
post #27 of 29
I actually respect him for putting this out out on the table on their first date. He isn't hiding that fact, and if he agrees to not smoke around her that says a lot about him.

Like other people said, if you didn't know he smoked, then he probably is just a recreational smoker, and it shouldn't be a problem. I honestly don't see anything wrong with smoking it occasionally (yes, I know it's illegal), but my main thing is how can something that can grow naturally be illegal?

I honestly have never seen violence with pot use, but I have seen people spend their grocery money, their rent money, etc on it. It may not be physically addictive like crack, but it is mentally addictive.
post #28 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by calico2222 View Post
I actually respect him for putting this out out on the table on their first date.
That is a major part I forgot to mention... Calico is right, it says quite a bit about him and recreational can get by if done right... the only problems is... the average high lasts quite awhile... so don't know how he would not be around her with not being high at some point...once again... depends on how close they get and how much time they start spending together.

Sorry... I'm analyze too much and think out all possible scenarios...lol... My contingent thoughts are sometimes misunderstood to be pessimistic

Quote:
Originally Posted by calico2222 View Post
how can something that can grow naturally be illegal?
You would be amazed on how much our gov makes on keeping this illegal...they don't wanna share the market w/ tobacco farmers...lol

Keep in mind... cocaine, peyote, opium are just some examples of other natural drugs.
post #29 of 29
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by koodeez View Post
I just wanted to comment....

Me, being a 27 year old male, am a recovered drug addict (heroine, crack, etc.). You name it, and unfortunately I have been there. The one I held on to the longest.... Pot! I have had three major relationships in my life (2 girlfriends and now my wife) All three never had a problem w/ pot... at the beginning.


Thank you so much for your personal experience. This really does help me. I hope that everyone is right and things will work out as time goes by. Either way, that's life I suppose.
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