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Haunted

post #1 of 17
Thread Starter 
I'm having a very hard time dealing with the fact that my cat spent the last week of his life in the vet hospital.

He was a rescue cat when I got him from a rescue group a little over nine years ago. He'd been saved from the streets. I can't help but think, that last week, he must have wondered where his home went? The vet hospital was good about letting me visit him - two to four hours each day (I would go after work and a couple of times he and I even napped together, like at home) - but it just breaks my heart that he might have thought he was without a home again when he died.

I'd had a long talk with his oncology vet the day before, explaining how important it was to me that if he was going to die, he die at home. The night he died I'd actually gone to pick him up and bring him home -- they thought he was doing a little better, even though his prognosis was bad -- and I was so happy he'd get to come home again. Then he started dying when I got there so I never got to bring him home.

If I'd known he was never coming home again, I wouldn't have taken him in the first place. I live in a big city and there are vets here who'll do house calls. His regular vet is one block away so he was going to go back under his care and be euthanized at home when/if it came to that.

I feel like I let him down in the most important way.
post #2 of 17
Brokenheart, I know the guilt you feel in some small way. Lyndsey died 3 days after your baby and I remember reading your post when I joined. I could write a book about the guilt I felt with Lyndsey...did I make him take medicine too long? Was he in pain? Was he mad that he went to the emergency vet, went home and went back again only to be put to sleep? did I tell him I loved him enough when he was dying? I cry as I sit here thinking about it. But I believe your kitty DID know you loved him and you were there for him and you gave him a GOOD home. It's easy to look back and second guess (heck, I do it all the time). But you did what you thought was right at the time.
post #3 of 17
For you to be okay...He was a lucky kitty to have you!
At least you know you made him the happiest cat he could be
Someday when you are ready, maybe you could save another cat in his honor...
post #4 of 17
You know I think they understand more than we think. It also sounds like you were there when he died? If that's what happend he may have been waiting for you, and when he knew you were there he was able to let go.
post #5 of 17
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rang_27 View Post
You know I think they understand more than we think. It also sounds like you were there when he died? If that's what happend he may have been waiting for you, and when he knew you were there he was able to let go.
I was there when he died. The vet made him comfortable and I was able to sit with him for a couple of hours. I just feel that - I know how happy he was to have a home after being a stray, you could tell that every day - and that I let him down by not making sure he was at home that last week.

I really didn't know what to do. They had him on intravenous antibiotics and sub-q fluids and something to prevent the thing chubby cats can get when they suddenly don't eat, and they were worried that he might bleed out at home and/or get an infection from my other cats because his bone marrow had stopped producing cells. I guess I feel like he was probaby more physically comfortable at the vet's, but he would have been more emotionally comfortable at home. I let him stay there thinking he'd get well for a short time and come home -- and now I don't know if I made the right choice for him.

When I brought him home from his second (and last) chemo, after just two hours at the vet, he was so happy to be back he spent a good 5 minutes nuzzling the bathroom sink faucet, his favorite place to drink from. So I feel like that would have been so important to him, one last time.

Thank you all for listening and replying. Losing these guys is so hard, and then with the second guessing piled on top of it......
post #6 of 17
Please try and remember that your special guy is safe and pain-free now. And who knows but that someone in the vet hospital was aware of your story, and the courage and love that you showed in letting your cat be eased out of suffering will in turn give them the courage to love enough to let go, too; maybe not today, or tomorrow, but on a certain day when that courage will be needed.
All you wonderful cat owners who care and do so much are truly an inspiration for the rest of the world. Bless you for caring
post #7 of 17
I'm sorry for your loss. You did what you could at the time so try not to feel bad about that. You were there when your kitty needed you .... to comfort and caress.

RIP little one.
post #8 of 17
I hope the days are getting easier for you. I like to think that after we leave this life, we see things as they are and for what they are worth.

I know ideally you would want for your baby boy to have the most ideal situation before he goes, but I believe hes in a place that he understands so much and where he was when he passed is not important at all.

What is important is that time you gave him and showed him what love really was. You seem to be in tune with your little guy and understand him and know he was happy. Thats what matters, in the end.

Not where he was. Its all about the love and the care.

Sending many prayers and vibes to you, that you will begin to heal. May you always keep his precious memory so very close in your heart. You will see him again one day.
post #9 of 17
You did a wonderful job of caring for your sweet boy, in a very difficult and intense situation. I'm so sorry for your loss.
post #10 of 17
I am so sorry for your loss. You gave him 9 very happy years and a whole lot of love. You did spend time with him everyday while he was in the hospital, and I'm sure he felt your love and caring. Where he is now he is happy, pain free and watching over you everyday.
post #11 of 17
I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know what to say. Big hugs to you and please don't feel guilty. You did what was right for him.
post #12 of 17
I'm so very sorry for your loss, but what everyone has said speaks volumes

__________________________________________
post #13 of 17
I don't know your religion, so forgive me if I'm stepping on your toes! With that said........ I need to take my own advice, because of the guilt over my GiGi, but what
I believe is, your precious boy is gone now, he certainly is looking down from the bridge, and he probably can't rest in peace because he sees you
aren't (at peace) so I believe you need to ask the Good Lord, Jesus, on your knees, to forgive you for whatever it is that is still haunting you about him!
You have to mean it and don't do it until you do mean it, because you have to give it to God, (and not take it back) then you have to forgive yourself! and give that one to God also!
You can't start worrying about again, it's like having no faith that he will take care of you! I promise, it really works, but you have to truly give it to him, and forgive yourself! This is the way to peace. in any situation!
And when you give it up, there will be a sense of calm come over you immediately! That is what I believe, "Forgiveness, is the only way to peace in this world of termoil"
Please feel better soon!
Monique
One thing I have learned, is that I can't control anything except me, my reactions, my emotions, and my attitude. The rest is so above me , I just surrender to it , I'm so much better off then. Take care!















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post #14 of 17
I am a very spiritual person. And Lyndsey's death really tested my faith. For me it takes daily meditation, faith and prayer to deal with grief and mourning, my anxiety and guilt. I still have a hard time.

It hasn't been that long since our babies passed. I hope you can find peace, too.
post #15 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by maggie5 View Post
I am a very spiritual person. And Lyndsey's death really tested my faith. For me it takes daily meditation, faith and prayer to deal with grief and mourning, my anxiety and guilt. I still have a hard time.

It hasn't been that long since our babies passed. I hope you can find peace, too.
Maggie,
Whatever I have said, and are about to say, please know I don't mean for you to do or get over anything right now! I was just saying the things in hopes for one day you might remember any part of my story, and it might help you in whatever way! Just want you to know that I'm feeling the guilt over letting my girl go outside, and on top of that you would of thought I would have learned because my cat Scream (my avatar picture) came up missing also, almost 2 yrs ago now! The one above has the power to help you to get through it if you let him! I am not saying your not, cause I wrestle with
it everyday too, and that is what we do, being human and all! We want
to try to handle the hard things on our own, I do, but whenever I decide
that it is taking over me totally, then I know I have to give it up!
Reason why I know this is because I trusted him one time and it worked
and it was so peaceful after that! WoW! too cool! So, why can't I do
that now? because I am human and stubborn, and it just takes me a bit to come around! I wish I could give you a hug, I want you to know your Lyndsey.was so beautiful! This is something else, or another way to look at this situation, all of my guilt, and anxiety over my cats, is just the
devil, you know he loves to keep us confused, upset, without peace!
I know I can't stand making his day, as long as he keeps me at witts
end, he has me! Well he better get back! I'm not going to give him
that much credit! I'm not the most religious person in the world, but
I have lost my husband (39) six yrs ago, and believe me, you never
get over it, or even my cats! But I know what I know, and I have learned
what I have learned the hard way of course! And it is so true!These are things that eventually
helped me through, got me by those really really hard times! Please know I'm not trying to tell you how to be not at all, or when to do it, because it is going to take time! It just helped me ease my pain, and if I tell someone what I've been through and if one little part of it can help them in anyway, is all I care about! If I didn't have this to fall back on I would probably be "sitting in a corner" somewhere and you could look in my eyes and tell "I'm not home" kind of state! Some would say that is true anyway,hahaha!!!! (lil crazy) you have to be to deal with things. hahaha!
I would even feel guilty whenever I tried to give to God, it was like he died, so I had to be miserable! Shoot he's in Heaven, I'm kind of jealous, only
because there is no more heartache for him or my kitties ever again!
I know he or my kitties wouldn't want me to be miserable all the time!
They are happy, no crying, or worries! Here is the other thing that I learned
when Marvin died, that we will meet again someday! That really hit home and it gave me a lot of peace!
So after several yrs. I am trying to enjoy my life, it is hard, I have our son who is now 12, I haven't remarried, and it can be lonely at times, especially
like when Scream dissappeared, and now GiGi! But I know truly in my heart,
that I can handle this too! Anyway, sorry
this is so long, I just want you to know I care, no matter what or how you
choose! you can PM me any time! Even in the months to come, if you still have those feelings!
I'll understand.

Monique
post #16 of 17
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by maggie5 View Post
I am a very spiritual person. And Lyndsey's death really tested my faith. For me it takes daily meditation, faith and prayer to deal with grief and mourning, my anxiety and guilt. I still have a hard time.

It hasn't been that long since our babies passed. I hope you can find peace, too.
Maggie, I understand what you mean. This has tested my faith, too. I can usually come eventually to some kind of spiritual understanding about anything, but I'm failing with this.

I just miss him too much to even begin to grasp at any kind of understanding. Mostly I just think, I want my cat back.

I think, as you said, it's just so fresh for us. I wonder every day how you're doing.
post #17 of 17
Thanks Monique. I get what you're saying and appreciate your thoughts and prayers. It has only been 2 weeks and 6 days since my buddy died and, like brokenheart, I just want my cat back.

But each day I remind myself that he breathes easy now with the other fur babies at the Rainbow Bridge. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers.

Quote:
I think, as you said, it's just so fresh for us. I wonder every day how you're doing.
It's nice to know someone wonders how I am doing. I think about you, too.
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