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Will I ever be ok again??

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 
Its been over two weeks since Zorro was euthanized. The pain isn't getting any better. Everything I do reminds me of him. I took my sister's cat outside today, then started crying because I remembered how Zorro used to love going outside. Its so hard knowing that I'm never going to see him again. I just keep remembering all the little things he used to do that I always overlooked, but which seem so important and significant right now.
The whole scene just keeps playing over and over in my head every time I'm not busy. I just keep seeing him sitting on my lap on the lay to the vets. How he was getting sleepier and sleepier, yet he still managed to climb up and give me a kiss on the nose like he always used to when he was healthier. Then I remember carrying him into the vets office crying and holding him while the vet injected him. I can still feel him dying in my arms.
I know I did the right thing for him by staying, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to get it out of my head. I can't sleep, I can't function, I'm so angry all the time and yelling at everyone. I should be taking my new cat in for a checkup, but I just can't muster up the courage to be able to walk into the clinic. I'm terrified to go anywhere near a vet clinic now because I know I'll see everything happening all over again in my head.
I don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I'll never be happy again. I just don't feel like 'me' anymore. I'm just so tired, but I'm too scared to try and sleep because of what I'll see.
post #2 of 18
No, it won't necessarily ever "get better" if by that, you mean you'll forget. Losing a loved one is like that. I have been where you are many, many times. I still am, if I call these times to mind. But what will happen for you is that eventually, the images will grow somewhat fainter, you will grow somewhat stronger, and you will take your new cat in, because you know your new cat needs you and depends on you to do what is right for him (or her) and that includes going to the clinic. You WILL do this, because you will be strong enough to love your new cat, while never forgetting your beloved Zorro. Take some "down time" if you need to; take care of your new cat, and yourself, but wallow if you need to, for awhile -- and then, get up and live, for your new cat, for yourself, for Zorro. It's the best tribute you could ever pay him -- that, and adopting your new cat. And know that Zorro is looking down on you and him (her?) from above, GLAD you are continuing the love you gave to him and helping another deserving cat to live and be loved.
post #3 of 18
Two weeks is such a short time, really. I understand what you're going through, I really do --- my cat died two weeks ago Tuesday and I was just crying again not even 5 minutes ago. I also do the "flashback" thing and try to stop myself because it's too upsetting.

Grief is really hard, and I know I would just love it to be over and stop hurting, but I don't think it happens that way.

Sorry I'm no help but I wanted you to know that someone else is going through it, too, and that it is very hard. I think no matter what we did for them at the end, it would be this way.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this too.
post #4 of 18
As someone posted above me, the memories and images will get fainter and you will get stronger, but you will never completely forget. It's been almost 2 years since Duchess passed. I still miss her and feel that empty void with her not there, but it didn't deter me from taking in a stray who needed and deserved a home. Lexi can never replace duchess, and never will, but only help create new memories. There are still many times I wonder if I did the right thing and if only I had paid closer attention. Sometimes there is one cat that stands out more than any cat you will ever have and all you can do is cherish those moments you did have and feel blessed that they were in your life no matter how much pain it causes you in the end.

With time you will be able to smile at the memories you have of Zorro, but it does take time. Just remember that your new kitty will never replace Zorro, but will be able to help you heal when you least expect it and even make you smile.
post #5 of 18
Thread Starter 
I know things will eventually get easier with time, but right now that doesn't seem true. I'm just so mad at everyone. I hate all the other cats out there who are healthy and get to live long, happy lives, I hate the people who didn't alter their cat, I hate science for not having a better alternative, I hate how everyone else that knew him is acting like everything is fine, and I hate myself for not being able to fix my little man. I hate myself because I couldn't fix him even though I told him that I would make him better no matter what, and that i would always be there for him.
post #6 of 18
I lost my cat on Friday to FIP. I know exactly what you are feeling. It is so hard in the mornings as I am up before the rest of the family and that is when my Pasha and I would sit together as I checked my email. It will be hard today after work when I come home and he is not at the door to greet me as he usally did.

All I can say is that I know that I did the best thing I could for him. I had to have him put to sleep at the vets. He also gave me a kitty kiss before he went. He was purring up to the last moment. You were the best owner Zorro could have ever had. You loved him enough to not see him suffer anymore. Had he been adopted by someone who could have cared less about paying for vet care just think how awlful it would have been for him.

Keep talking about it. My family knows I am grieving but comeing to this site helps because to them he was "Just a cat". It brings me comfort to know that others know exactly what I am feeling even though I wish noone had to ever go through this.

Keep your chin up!
post #7 of 18
I know it's really hard right now--if it is of any comfort, you're going through the normal stages of grief over the loss of your baby. Anger is very normal after losing someone you care so much about. You did everything you could for Zorro. You kept your promise to him by being there for him and not letting him suffer needlessly. The quote in your signature says it perfectly--"A short life and a gay one is better than a long, miserable existence."

When Willow died, my biggest fear was that I would forget all of the memories I had of her. I began making a list of stories, favorites, and quirks she had. The list was mostly of phrases--maybe I'll flesh it out someday into full stories--but that was enough to make me feel better. I have those words to help remind me of who she was and what our life was like together.

You might want to see if there are any pet loss support groups in your area (there is one in Calgary and one in Mississagua, and there may be others). The candle-lighting ceremony is another way to symbolically honor Zorro (http://www.petloss.com/) and be "near" people who are also grieving over the loss of their beloved pets.
post #8 of 18
Thread Starter 
I think the candlelight ceremony is a great thing to do. Thank you for that website.
post #9 of 18
Oh I am so sorry I am crying reading how you feel, because I can't imagine losing my girl.

I hope as time goes on, you will feel better
post #10 of 18
I am so sorry. I will keep praying for you. I can only imagine how hard it is for you. Bobbie

post #11 of 18
I can't add much more but I will say that you are very courageous to have shared all of those feelings. And you were very brave to make that decision for Zorro. I lost my buddy boy, Lyndsey, after 16 1/2 years 10 days ago to heart disease. The pain was unbearable and my husband actually called my mom in Virginia and our minister because I was inconsolable. I won't go in to detail, but it was bad. Needless to say, that has let up some and I function a little better. But as I sit here crying, I see his picture on my desk and miss him terribly.

Reach out to those who will understand, take it s-l-o-w and do those things that will get you through the day. Maybe one day we will wake up and it won't be the FIRST thing we think of.

post #12 of 18
It doesn't get better but it changes so that you remember more of the good things and less of the awful final day. I lost my Napoleon a year ago this month and I still cry for him, especially in the middle of the night, but I can talk about him now without breaking down. I planted a garden for him that gives me a lot of comfort.
post #13 of 18
Yea I know exactly how you feel, its over 3 weeks since I lost my wee buddy and even miss him standin on my keyboard and makin a mess of every thread I tried to post lol.

Just stupid things like that. The hurt is great but it will ease I am sure.

I am goin down tomorrow and gettin a pro print on every pic I have of him on my digi cam maybe you could do that something to remember your cat.
post #14 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by gothicangel69 View Post
I know things will eventually get easier with time, but right now that doesn't seem true. I'm just so mad at everyone. I hate all the other cats out there who are healthy and get to live long, happy lives, I hate the people who didn't alter their cat, I hate science for not having a better alternative, I hate how everyone else that knew him is acting like everything is fine, and I hate myself for not being able to fix my little man. I hate myself because I couldn't fix him even though I told him that I would make him better no matter what, and that i would always be there for him.
I know how you feel. I hate myself for not being able to fix humans when they get deadly diseases and then suffer from the ignorance of people. Whether it is an animal or human, no living being should have to suffer this.
Some days will be better than others. But sometimes, the bad days just outweigh the good. Just have to try and put one foot forward no matter how hopeless it seems.
post #15 of 18
Aww I'm sorry... I feel a lot the same way as you after Jake died. Still do some of the time. It takes so long to heal and even then I'm not sure we completely heal. We just miss our babes so much.
post #16 of 18
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Rebby in January and not a day goes by that I don't think about him or shed a tear or two. One thing that helped me is I put pictures of him up all over so I can always see him. I know it sounds crazy but it just makes me feel like he is still around me.
post #17 of 18
I feel your pain, I just lost my BLACK on October 8, 2007. He was very special to me in a lot of ways. I still have his sister, but it still hurts so bad every time I go to feed her, I am looking for him to come around the corner. There hasn't been a day that has gone by since, that I don't think about him and cry!! I know it will get easier in time, but I can't hardly even mention his name that I don't break down.

So, don't feel so alone, there are a lot of us out here right now, that are grieving the loss of our babies!!

Please feel free to PM me if you would like to talk, I am a good listener.

Take Care and to you!!

Paula
post #18 of 18
All of you are very brave. I am the same way. My cats are my ONLY family, and I dread the day that will inevitably come. They are almost 8.

I am praying for all of you.
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