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Alcoholic Partner Part 2...

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 
I started a thread a little while ago about my partner. To brief you:

Partner = Andy Son = Jacob

My partner is an alcoholic. He doesn't drink everyday, but once he has had just one sip he is unable to stop, I found him a bedsit, and paid a few weeks rent and deposit. Then I sent him there to get himself sorted....

To the Update....

He kept coming round to mine to see our son, then I went away for work for 4 days and I let him stay at mine so he could look after the cats. Jacob stayed at my mums as Andy can't be trusted to be responsible.

When I came back, Andy stayed. It wasn't intentional, but by this time he hadn't had a drink for 4 weeks, which was a big achievement. Following all of that, things have been good. We took Jacob to the zoo, I had my birthday, and he had his. Things were happy....until Friday. It had been 6 weeks since his last drink, and I had to work, although I don't usually work Fridays. The childminder had started working at a creche and couldn't have him, so I thought I would trust Andy to look after him. He took Jacob to feed the ducks, where there is a river side pub.....

He wasn't drunk, far from it but he had a drink and kept trying to give me excuses of why he needed to go out that night. I made better excuses as to why he didnt need to, so he fell asleep, at 6pm and couldn't even wake up at 10am the following morning.

And today. He took the day off work because he wasn't feeling well, so I thought Jacob could stay with him as Andy would probably just lounge around all day. But no, I asked Jacob what he had done today, and he said he had fed the ducks.....

I'm crying so hard, hes asleep on the sofa again, its 9pm. I don't know what to do. He's given up the bedsit and handed the keys back, All my saving went into financing the bedsit so I can't afford to spend out on another.

Please Help...
post #2 of 18
Are there any shelter in the area that you could call? They may have some good professional advice and/or solution for you. Maybe they have places for men like him that need the right atmosphere and assistance to get their lives together.
post #3 of 18
I haven't any sage advice for you. But, I will think good thoughts that things sort themselves out and that your partner gets the assistance he needs to be a healthy father.
post #4 of 18
He really needs to want to change himself. He should be attending AA if he is serious about trying to give up drinking. It sounds like you're in a very tough situation; I have relatives in similar situations and believe me the change has to come from within; you can't force it. Regarding the living situation, you could give him an ultimatum of x number of weeks to get himself into AA or seeing a counsellor; if he hasn't done what you asked then ask him to move out.
post #5 of 18
Thread Starter 
He goes to councelling similar to AA, but the last few sessions have been cancelled because he couldn't get the time off work.

His family are a nightmare and we aren't in any contact.
post #6 of 18
I'm sorry you are going through this.

However he isn't your problem. Kick him out. Let him go live at a friend's house or with his family. Or on the street.

Nothing you can do for him unless he wants to make the change himself, and plainly he isn't ready to.

Do not spend any more money on getting him a "bed sit", that's not your responsibility.

Your responsibiliy lays in keeping a roof over your's and your son's heads, nothing more.

You took him back after he hadn't drank in 4 weeks. Four weeks is nothing if it was 4 weeks at all.

Once an alcoholic, always one because there is no cure. It's a daily struggle to stay away from the booze.

You need to ask yourself if this is the situation you want you and your son to be living in for the rest of your lives, because rest assured it will be unless he stops drinking, and he won't until he hits bottom and comes to the realization that he has lost everything including his family.

I know because my mother lived with a guy who started to drink after 20 years of being "on the wagon". It started off with 1 glass of wine at Christmas which my Mom begged him to not have. He obviously didn't stop at 1 glass and that began a daily cycle of drinking that resulted in the loss of our 2 cars, our house, the rooming house that my Mom owned prior to meeting him which she used as collateral for the new house, and many lumps and bruises to her and me because the guy was abusive when he drank.

Do yourself a favour, kick him out today and don't be concerned about what happens to him. Believe me, alcoholics are very resourceful and he'll find a place to go.

Once he's out, don't ever let him back, unless he's proven over the course of many, many months or years that he has cleaned up his act. By taking him back and letting him stay you are setting a precident for the situation to stay the same and not change.
post #7 of 18
Thread Starter 
I know you are right but things were going so well. I'm going to ask the landlord if his bedsit has been taken yet, if it hasn't he can go back.

We don't talk to his family, they blame me for his problem and have had enough

He doesn't have any friends. Me kicking him out was the first time I'd done it and he'd stayed out. Before he would end up back on my doorstep banging on the door, disturbing the neighbours, getting arrested, then he would be released in the morning and come back. Every time, despite the fact that I never let him in and just phoned the police everytime, Social Services got involved and it really started to scare me because I can't live without my son. That is why I paid for the bedsit (small apartment BTW). I phoned the councel and told them I was evicting him and that he would be homeless but they said that he is not a priority (which is true because pregnant girls or women and children come first fro the emergency accomodation.)
post #8 of 18
Trust me! Kicking him out is the best thing you can do for him. And it's not up to you to be paying for his accommodation either. That is just enabling him.

From what you said he works, he should be able to pay for it himself when he gets his next pay cheque. Let him fend for himself in the meantime. Trust me when I say that alcoholics are resourceful. Even homeless, jobless alcoholics find a way to get their hands on booze. Your husband will find a way to put a roof over his head. If he finds himself sleeping on a park bench for a couple nights that will be a rude awakening for him and a step in the right direction of "bottoming out".

Sometimes tough love is the only way to do things.
post #9 of 18
Thread Starter 
What about when he's on my doorstep at night wanting me to let him in? I removed the battery from the doorbell but I can't remove the door knocker, although I will try...

I don't want to get the police involoved again because I can't deal wih social services anymore, it's just too much...
post #10 of 18
You made the biggest mistake by letting him in the house like that. And like Natalie said 4 weeks is nothing. He can be without a drink for 4 years but he'll always be an alcoholic

Social Services won't take your son from you because your not the one with the drink problem.

You can get a court injunction to keep him away from your house, but if you do that you can't use him to babysit otherwise it's a waste of time. Taking him back like this and having your son see him tanked up with booze won't be doing him any good either, and kids never forget things like that

He's a grown man, and yes he needs help, but as hard as it sounds your not the one to give it. Just look at how it has you as well?, and is it really worth it?!

Whats the cats like when all this is going on in the house?
post #11 of 18
Thread Starter 
Ziggy meows when hes banging on the door, but we don't argue loudly if thats what you mean. Jacob sleeps through it most of the time.

I try and talked to him and be the 'adult'. He doesn't respond anyway.. he's not much of a talker.

If he's annoyed me because of drink, I usually go into a different room and cuddle Ziggy on the bed or something. He's asleep on the sofa now, and Ziggy and the kittens are in the bedroom with me
post #12 of 18
You really need to get him out though because he's not going to cure himself. He needs proper help and needs to go to all the meetings, not just a few.

We had someone at work who started them, but he thought he could manage himself, he can't, and you can guarantee every monday morning he reeks of booze

We did everything at work to help and support him, but he threw it back in our faces, now no one can stand the man and he's lost any friendship he had with some of the employees, but he did it all by himself.
post #13 of 18
Okay, you need to kick him out and not care what kind of situation that puts him in. You aren't his mommy, let him deal with it himself. DO Not try to find him a place to live, that is enabling him. He's an adult, it's his problem. Yeah, it's going to hurt, but it will be the best thing for you and your son in the long run.

If he is on your doorstep banging on the door, then you will have to call the police. If your child isn't in any danger, then Social Services shouldn't be an issue.

Alcoholics cannot be trusted. And even if they sober up, that doesn't mean their bad or annoying behavior will automatically go away. Drinking isn't the cause for every single unpleasant character trait an alcoholic might have. They are still human, after all.

You should really consider going to Al-Anon meetings, and maybe getting some counseling yourself.

post #14 of 18
I really don't have any advice to offer, but I have an idea what you're going thru. My Dad's an alchohlic, and so is my brother: my brother's alchoholism, however, is a lot more severe than my dad's. I won't go into details, but he's tried killing himself several times while drunk, and has been declared legally dead from drinking too much and having alchohol poisoning on a few occasions, also. It's really sad, b/c my brother is basically a great guy when he's not drunk..

I don't believe that there's generally too much hope for an alchoholic, until they can admit they have a problem and seek help for it themselves..

I wish you the best, and will be sending good vibes your way.

post #15 of 18
I know it's hard to hear what everyone is saying but you have to stand up for yourself and not let this man hold you and your son hostage like this. It's basically what he's doing, he's got you in an emotional choke hold over him, he knows you're a good person and he's taking advantage of you.

I know he's your partner and I'm sure you've had great times but being an alcoholic can really change a person. He's doing everything he can to keep drinking and you are giving him a free ride to spent his money on alcohol.

I know it's hard to deal with him banging on your door in the early hours but just keep calling the police and try filing a restraining order. YOU are the only open door he has left and he is using your kindness to try to be in a better position to keep doing what he's doing.

Best of luck okay? I am SO sorry you are having to deal with this. Hang in there!
post #16 of 18
I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time I do remember your last thread, although I didn't post then.

I agree that you have to put yourself and your son first, and make it clear to your partner that he needs to sort himself before you will even consider letting him into your home again. And it needs to be more than 4 weeks without a drink. I know alcoholism is an illness, but despite the counselling you mention it doesn't sound as though he is trying very hard to deal with it and turn things around. Does he recognise that he has a problem? Or is he just going to the counselling because he's been told he has to? You need to be really strong here and not let him into your home or your life at this point. Your priority has to be creating a safe environment for your son. If at some point in the future he gets some real help and manages to stay off the drink, then that's when you should consider letting him back into your life. If you still want to. But in the meantime I think you need to focus on yourself and your son and not let your partner drag you down. Dont' worry about social services either - they're more likely to be worried about your son's safety while your partner is around than if you are saying you want him out of your life.

Good luck
post #17 of 18
Call the cops - put him out. If he won't get out volunterrily, call the cops and have them take him out. And file a restraining order on him. You and your son are more important then he is right now. Social services will NOT take you son away from you.

If you really think you need to help him - then give him the phone number of a shelter and that's it! HE has to take responsiblity for him life now. And also put a restraining order for BOTH you and your son for the time being.

DH made a mistake with his ex and only filed one - not both.
post #18 of 18
BTW, I also agree w/ the others' advice: He is an adult, and should be taking responsibility for himself. He is not your "problem", and you and your son should come first. You've done all you've could, and he continues to take advantage of you w/o any concern for you or your son's welfare. As long as you continue to enable his behavior, he will never have the motivation to change it.

Most of my family had to "abandon" my brother (and also my dad) b/c of their drinking & behavior towards others. It sounds cruel & selfish, but it was a necessary "evil". We finally had to protect ourselves from their behavior b/c it was having an effect on us. It wasn't an easy choice to make, but sometimes you gotta use tough love.

I'm sorry you are having to go thru this..

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