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ED... need advice

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 
I'm a couple months shy of 26, and my SO and I have been together for almost 2 years. He is very verbally affectionate, and tells me he loves me at least two or three times a day, and compliments me, and never says anything hurtful to me. He's snuggly and sweet, but there's a huge problem. He doesn't want to have sex anymore. I have tried a few times and have gotten politely shot down.

I know what some of you are going to say, that he's getting it somewhere else. But I can assure you that even though I sound naive, I know that's not what's happening. I think something is physically wrong with him because of the wonderful way he treats me in other departments. He's 31, is it possible to have ED at that young age? Can anyone who has it or knows someone who has it give me some advice please? I am afraid to talk to my SO about it, but I am really distressed about it.
post #2 of 18
It's possible, but perhaps something else is causing it? Is he depressed? Did anything significant happen to him, like a loss of a loved one or someone close to him?

The number one question though is Have you talked to him about it?
You may find out why just by talking to him!

I would talk to him first before jumping to any conclusions.
post #3 of 18
Thread Starter 
Well, of course I haven't talked to him, I'm too nervous about it. I know I really need to though. I just need to find the right way rather than making it sound to him like I'm attacking him. He did start taking Straterra, which screws with your libido, but this was going on long before he started with that... thanks for the help. I guess I want to know how ED works and who it affects and how to approach him if I think that's what it is.
post #4 of 18
Talk to him. Has he been working longer hours or is there increased stress in his life? I wouldn't automatically assume he's getting it somewhere else or that it's ED; there are many other reasons why he may have a loss of sex drive.

Make sure you speak to him in a non-confrontational manner. Maybe cook him a nice meal then broach the subject?

Try not to worry too much as it may be a short term thing.
post #5 of 18
Here's a link to the Mayo Clinic about it.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/ere...nction/DS00162

From what I know of it is typically ED is linked with high blood pressure, as well as other things.

One way to approach him might telling him how much you miss having sex with him.
post #6 of 18
We know you don't want to talk to him about it but talking always helps

There is a reason for all of that - whether it be medical or something else completely. He seems to be too young for ED, although you never know but please get up the courage to talk to him about this. Don't be stressed! Things like this come up. Ask him if something is not feeling right down there, is anything bothering him, unfortunately you have to bring this up if you two are going to solve this problem :
post #7 of 18
Thread Starter 
Well I know work, even though he loves it, has been very hard on him as he is on his feet nearly every day all day. He usually goes in at about 7:30 and leaves around 5:30 or 6, which is still a long day. His finances have been stressing him out too.

Cooking a nice meal then talking to him is a great idea. I'll try that.
post #8 of 18
Definitely just talk to him. I know it is hard...and I know it will be awkward...but if he is open enough to tell you he loves you, he will probably be OK with discussing this problem.
There are MANY reasons he could be doing this...but I have learned many times that it's best to just ASK and not conjure up a lot of bad thoughts in your head.

If you value this relationship, go talk to your man!

And here are some that everything goes well with you two!!!
post #9 of 18
well as a guy i would love to offer the fast answer, But there are number of reasons.
like other of said, depressed , stressed out. to many other issues on his mind.

There have been more then a few times in my life when i was just not in the mood for sex. Yes its true, there are times when guys are not.

i dont know how long it has been. From personal experiance often time women take it much worse then men do, when being told not in the mood. make sure to talk TALK,not make it into a fight, or that will just make it worse.

as a side note, when you talk to him, try to do how doing something toether, many men will talk better how working or playing with something, WE dont always enjoy a face to face
post #10 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by theimp98 View Post
as a side note, when you talk to him, try to do how doing something toether, many men will talk better how working or playing with something, WE dont always enjoy a face to face
From experience I know this is true!

Good luck!
post #11 of 18
Yes, that "no face-to-face" advice is excellent. And y'know... for a man, there's a huge distinction between ED itself (which they view as humiliating) and a medical issue that can cause ED as a side effect. If you can avoid the term "ED" and talk in more general medical terms, the conversation may be a little easier for him.

(I'm basing this on an online friend of mine who asked me for advice because he couldn't bring himself to talk to his wife about it -- he was that afraid of diminishing himself in her eyes.)
post #12 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenvillegal View Post
I am afraid to talk to my SO about it, but I am really distressed about it.
You shouldn't be afraid to talk to your spouse about anything, especially something as important as that.

Communication and honesty is the key to a long and successful relationship.
post #13 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by theimp98 View Post
well as a guy i would love to offer the fast answer, But there are number of reasons. like other of said, depressed , stressed out. to many other issues on his mind.
I also wanted to add that if you have been talking about wanting a baby and he's not ready, it could be purely a conscious or unconscious avoidance issue on his part because he might not be ready for a baby and doesn't know how to tell you that, so he avoids sex which pretty much guarantees "no baby."
post #14 of 18
One very important thing in any relationship is the ability to COMMUNICATE things to each other no matter if its good or bad.

Some people have a low sex drive - your SO may be one of them. He probably doesn't have ED (I think most of that is in the mind - not physically).

But its something that has to be discussed in a gentle way between you. If you guys are not willing to talk this over and figure out what the problem really is, then your relationship is not gonna last. He has to feel comfortable and trusting enough with you to talk - you cannot "judge" him or critisize him either. You have to listen and make him feel he can come to you with a problem.
post #15 of 18
I agree with what has been said, communication is key!

My DH has had ED problems before and it was really difficult on both of us. I know he felt absolutely wretched because of it and it made me feel like I wasn't attractive enough to him. The only way we were able to work through our problems was by communicating.

Some guys are very sensitive to stress, worry and anxiety. It can cause issues with their performance. ED can cause a huge spiral of negativity. If he fails once, the next time he'll be anxious if it will happen again...etc.

Like everyone said, it might not be ED. Sometimes my husband just isn't interested in sex. If he's stressed out right now and on top of that he's taking Strattera, he may just not be in the mood for sex.

Best of luck for your talk with the SO. I wouldn't bring up ED, just let him do the talking!
post #16 of 18
Maybe he's afraid of hurting you. I know a while back you were going through some female problems, right?
post #17 of 18
You must talk to him. I wouldn't bring up the "ED" thing right away. I would tell him that you've noticed something has changed and you want to know what can be done to make it better. Tell him that you miss him...
It could be medical, emotional or just plain stress. that you're able to work through it.
post #18 of 18
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taurus77 View Post
Maybe he's afraid of hurting you. I know a while back you were going through some female problems, right?
Yes I was just having some pre cervical cancer issues, but all of that is taken care of, and that was only about a month's time. This has been happening for quite some time. You're probably right though at least about recently. He's probably afraid to hurt me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
I also wanted to add that if you have been talking about wanting a baby and he's not ready, it could be purely a conscious or unconscious avoidance issue on his part because he might not be ready for a baby and doesn't know how to tell you that, so he avoids sex which pretty much guarantees "no baby."
Well, he does have a child already. I haven't asked him for a baby, I would never do that until we are married, but I know just from him that HE wants 2 boys at least in addition to his daughter.

Thanks to both of you and to everyone else, this has helped me a lot and I think I see it in a much better light now and will be able to bring it up in the most sensitive way possible.
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