What to do? What to do?

skyecat0117 · Oct 8, 2007

My friend Amanda is currently in a relationship with a man that is 12 years older than her and suffers from bi-polar disorder. She told me that he is on his medication and has been for years. The thing is I know a thing or two about people close to you with the disorder. My step-dad is severely bi-polar it was the worst 13 years of my life. The extreme mood swings, the yelling, the name calling then 5 minutes in my room crying apologizing for the way he acted.

My bf Brian lived with a gf a while back that had the same condition. It was the worst chapter in his life and I'm still trying to break through the barrier he put up after her. Well my friend Amanda has been with this guy for about 2 month I think. Well I keep getting random texts from her about the random hissy fits he throws and I can tell when his mood is on the downward because her demeanor is so different. She has been my best friend since 6th grade and personally the guy has never done anything in my presence to make me not have to hold anything against him but I'm concerned for her and I've brought up the fact that she knows how my step-dad is to set an example of how her relationship could be but she doesn't seem to get it. Do I give it to her straight or wait for her to realize what he really is and just be there for her in the end?

forensic · Oct 8, 2007

Some folks with bipolar are actually 'manageable' if you want to put it that way (or I will, since I can't think of a better way). I've got a brother with a minor case and he's tolerable, though I have little patience with him. My friend's little brother, on the other hand, is (medicated or not) almost unbearable.

The problem is that she probably really enjoys his company on the upswings. You can't change her heart or pester her into dropping him. Watch to make sure the relationship doesn't appear to become emotionally, or physically, abusive, but otherwise... it's really her call, I guess.

dauntingfire · Oct 8, 2007

I used to have a friend who was bi-polar (among other things) and she really was such a painful person to be around. For the two years we were friends, every time she would have one of her fits I would blame myself. Whats worse was that she would blame me as well since she was in total denial that she was bi-polar. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and it really destroyed my self confidence.

If she is a very strong person I would say she could manage to be with him. It can be devastating to be around a person like that but with both of them working together to get past it then I think it could work.

I can understand why you are concerned, though. Maybe you could get her a good book on living with someone with a bi-polar disorder? After reading it maybe she can have a better idea of what she's dealing with.

skyecat0117 · Oct 8, 2007

Originally Posted by dauntingfire

I used to have a friend who was bi-polar (among other things) and she really was such a painful person to be around. For the two years we were friends, every time she would have one of her fits I would blame myself. Whats worse was that she would blame me as well since she was in total denial that she was bi-polar. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and it really destroyed my self confidence.

If she is a very strong person I would say she could manage to be with him. It can be devastating to be around a person like that but with both of them working together to get past it then I think it could work.

I can understand why you are concerned, though. Maybe you could get her a good book on living with someone with a bi-polar disorder? After reading it maybe she can have a better idea of what she's dealing with.

My step-dad was the same way. I haven't been living with my parents since I was 18 and the repercussions of him still haunt me. The thing with the condition is that they suck you into their world and though I've always viewed Amanda as a very strong person she was never exactly chased down by guys growing up and I'm scared that she is clinging to him because when he's up her world is perfect. I don't want to see her get sucked into something chaotic she's been through so many bad relationships.

carolpetunia · Oct 8, 2007

A book is a great idea! But please don't automatically assume that the relationship is a mistake. Bipolar people (like everyone with a mental or emotional disorder) vary widely both in their fundamental nature and according to their treatment -- it would be unfair to assume too much about this man based solely on his diagnosis.

If you do buy a book, you might want to read it first, so you can talk it over with your friend after she's read it. I hope you can find something that will help her understand the illness better. Good luck!

skyecat0117 · Oct 8, 2007

Ya I don't want to assume anything about him. He has been nothing but nice to me from the beginning. But I do notice that I can usually tell what kind of mood he's been in according to how my friend is acting.

natalie_ca · Oct 9, 2007

I know people and have had patients who are bi-polar and I know the challenges that face your friend.

I strongly suggest that she go and read the "Depression" forum at the link below so that she knows the extremes that this disease can take and what she may or may not be in for. But it will give her an idea of what may happen and ways that she can help manage the situation as needed, right from those who have personal experience with it themselves.

http://www.healthboards.com/boards/index.php

If she decides to create a user account there and post, make sure she reads the rules there very, very well because they are very strict and there are no warnings. You are instantly banned for an infraction.

There are lots of medical professionals who post there, but the rules there prevent them from identifying themselves as such, or giving out contact information etc.

lunasmom · Oct 9, 2007

My advice would be to have her attend his next session with his doctor or therapist, or even make an appointment with one. Then she can have all of her questions answered about what to do when ____ happens etc.

I have a friend back in Michigan who is bi-polar. Actually she's one of my closer friends as she's standing up in my wedding. However she's more high then she is down. She said that since she's been on meds it's been fantastic.

skyecat0117 · Oct 9, 2007

He seems to be ok on his meds which is why I'm not too overly worried yet but you can tell when he is on his low because she's not as smiley or bouncey. I just want to figure out a non threatening way to mention he may not be the best suitor for her at this point in her life. She's still young only 24 and he's 37 going on 38. There's much more in store out there for her.

What to do? What to do?

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