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Just need some advice! Please help!

post #1 of 10
Thread Starter 
Originally, we had started planning a wedding for 120-ish people and we started the planning in August for this May. Needless to say, due to financial reasons, we just sort of put everything on hold. Well, just maybe within the past week or so, we talked some things over and decided to cut the guest list to like 30 people MAX and go with April instead of May as things will be cheaper as it is considered off-season. In August, we had 3 attendants each lined up.

Problem 1: with a small wedding in a bed and breakfast, I really don't WANT three attendants EACH. Room is an issue..cost is an issue (attendant gifts, etc.). Do I need attendants?

Problem 2: My original maid of honor. I thought that maybe it WOULD be helpful to have one attendant each plus our flower girl who is five. I thought that it would only be natural to keep then my maid of honor. Well, I didn't say anything to her about any new plans or anything about attendants except that I did send her email telling her that we cut the guest list to 30 and moved the date. She came back with email that was ONLY "WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" I answered her and told her that it was for financial reasons and this is what we wanted to do. I haven't heard ANYTHING from her back about this or the wedding or ANYTHING. Mind you, when we talked about going to Vegas before THIS, she thought it was WONDERFUL and she was for that. Today, she two-wayed me on the Nextel wanting to know what Roger and I were doing today. She wanted to get together for football and dinner. Nothing mentioned about this wedding. My mother thought it was pretty rude of her to not even respond back about ANYTHING wedding related REGARDLESS. I kind of am offended, too.

So now...I don't know what to do. I realize that it is MY wedding and I can do what I want, but it isn't very good ettiquette to choose one of the other attendants to stand up instead of her, is it? I am not into burning bridges or losing friendships over this!

Please help!

post #2 of 10
Let me preface by saying I am not married, and I've never been married.

It's your day, do with it what you want. If you want 30 or 300 guests, that's completely up to you. I know there are politics involved in weddings, but at the end of the day, it's all about you.

As far as the MOH goes, that's a sticky situation. It's hard to say why she didn't respond back. I've been bad about responding to email lately and then when I do have time, I can't remember which ones I already sent. Maybe, just maybe she didn't mean to blow you off. I don't know this girl but I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt. Since you know her, you would know better wether or not she deserves it.

I can't think of a tactful way to change who will stand up with you now, if she's already been told it's going to be her. Most likely feelings will be hurt and your friendship may never be the same afterwards. You have to weigh out the risks and decide if it's worth to you. Since you said you're not into burning bridges or losing a friendship over this, I tend to think you're going to have to stick with her.

If you get together with her today, I would encourage you to have a heart to heart with her. Maybe take the offense and say something along the lines about how glad you are that she's going to be standing up with you, and you know how helpful she's going to be, blah blah blah. Most people want to live up to what others think/expect of them, especially if they are close to that person. I think if you plant in her head how happy you are that she's going to be helping you out during this stressful time, she may rise to the challenge.

good luck!
post #3 of 10
Carrie, Your maid of honor probably wanted to discuss the changes with you at dinner. Perhaps she didn't want to discuss it on the internet. If I had been chosen as maid of honor, and my friend made a change, I would have been hurt terribly. I would do as Colby suggested, and let her know that with her and some other special people, the wedding will be just as special to you as the bigger wedding originally planned. Make sure everyone has plenty of written notice, so they don't buy a gown, etc. Good luck!
post #4 of 10
Thread Starter 
well..no..she still said nothing to me and so I really didn't feel comfortable saying anything to her. My mother stopped and anything that was brought up about the wedding, she didn't say a WORD about anything

WHAT DO I DO!?!?!?!
post #5 of 10
This may be difficult to do, but could you sit down with her, alone, and tell her what you've told us here? That you had to change your plans due to financial concerns but that you still want her to stand with you on your wedding day? She may have not understood that. Or, she may have felt uncomfortable talking about it in front of other people.

I've been in weddings where there have been 1 attendant, 2, 3, 6...I've even seen one that had 13 (yikes!). But I don't think more made them any better.

Ultimately, your wedding is about you and your husband-to-be. I wish you the best of luck in this situation, and your future married life!
post #6 of 10
Carrie, You know this girl very well. She must have been a very good friend for you to chose her as Maid of Honor. So, you would know better if she is that shallow. It's a great honor to be chosen, regardless of how many people are invited. It means that she is probably the one who is closest to you. Could she be a bit embarrassed for you because of the financial hardship? I don't know, but those are the questions I'd have. I would definitely call her, get together, and ask her why she hasn't mentioned the wedding since the e-mail. It's the only way you'll know for sure.
It's a very awkward situation, but you can resolve it, I know.
post #7 of 10
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the advice. It just sucks feeling caught!

I did send her email and sent her a picture of the boquet I thought was pretty for her as my maid of honor. Then in parenthesis I kind of said, "Were you still planning on standing with me while I vow my life away" and kind of made it like a non-threatening/joke thing. So...we shall see if she responds to that.

But now what if she doesn't respond to that? Do I just plan on moving on with another bridesmaid? I ger read receipts when she reads my email so I will know when she reads it.
post #8 of 10
Carrie, I don't want to make you feel bad, but do you think e-mail is the best way to handle this? It's very informal for such an important occasion. I wouldn't handle it any way other than in person. Could this be her problem? It's such an important occasion.

My daughter's former fiance broke their engagement by phone, and I haven't got over it yet. (She married another man and had two kids, and I still won't speak to that man for handling such a delicate matter over the phone. It crushed her.) It's just better to handle some things in person. I wish you the very best of luck. Please let us know what happens. Here's hoping it's just a misunderstanding!
post #9 of 10
Thread Starter 
Well, I already sent the email so I will wait and see. If she doesn't respond, I will call her and see if everything is ok and take it from there. In this day and age of technology, many people talk doing email versus the phone and that might be less personal, but I already did send it so I shall wait it out!
post #10 of 10
I say definitely talk to her in person or on the phone. That way you can hear the tone in her voice and know if she really wants to do this or if she acts hesitant about it. I would definitely give her the first chance to be the one standing up with you, but ask her if she wants to, and if not, go with the next one on the list. I really hope this works out for you. It is rather odd that she wouldn't say anything about it to you at lunch! Would there be any reason at all why she wouldn't want the wedding moved up? She doesn't have to work weekends and arrange with work to take time off way ahead or anything does she? Maybe she just had alot on her mind or thought maybe you would bring it up first. Keep us posted on how it goes! Good luck!
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