What Do You Think I Should Do?

Our family (me, husband, daughter) are invited to Thanksgiving dinner Monday night at the house of one of my husband's colleagues. She is not known for her social graces. I'm bringing a salad and pie as our contribution to the dinner, and when we were talking about it on the phone, she said something about how her granddad liked for the kids eat in the living room and watch a movie during holiday dinners. She asked what I thought about that, and I said, "I guess it's O.K." I thought, if it works for them.

Then she said that she may have overextended herself by inviting three visiting colleagues, because the total for dinner would then be nine.

After I hung up, I started wondering if she means to put our 10 year-old daughter, the only child at the dinner, in the living room in front of the TV?

I don't want to assume that's what she meant, but then again, she probably has china for eight... I'm inclined to just wait and see what happens Monday night, and if there is a problem. I'll just ask her for another plate and my daughter and I can share the chair if we have to.

Or should I email or call beforehand? What do you think?

Sounds like she was hinting very heavily that she wants your daughter in the other room! I can't see how a ten year old couldn't squeeze in to the table. If there were 3 or 4 kids, then fine, but you can't isolate one!

Maybe get in touch and check she's definitely okay with all 3 of you coming. She might just say straight out that she feels she can't accommodate you any more. I really wouldn't agree with her putting your daughter in a room by herself and you shouldn't have to be made join her.

I agree; it's a family holiday. We could share the dining room chair if we have to.

Hopefully there are more children coming and its not just your daughter. If she doesn't think that one child can sit at the adult table, then well, I would go sit with your daughter. Maybe start a food fight for fun

I'd call her and just ask how many other kids are coming. That way you can find out for sure if she's wanting to put just your little girl in the other room. When our family outgrew my Grandma's dining room table my cousin and I sat at tv tray tables facing eachother in the corner of the dining room. That never bothered anyone. We were still right there and could participate in everything. Besides that, we thought getting our own table was cool! Maybe something like that would be a good solution?

ETA: If you don't feel comfortable calling to just ask that, maybe tell her you were thinking of what to bring to occupy your daughter and didn't want to leave any other kids out.

Daughter is definitely going to be the only child there (she's bringing her DS and a novel just in case) but she's an only and knows how to behave with adults. In three months, my husband will be this woman's boss, so she's pretty obligated to make room since she invited us.

BTW, daughter is 9, not 10, what was I thinking?

We used to do that at nanas house for christmas, because we'd end up having about 15 people, and there was not enough room in the kitchen or dining room for everyone. Plus half of that number is grandkids.

I think if it's just your child, then she should be eating with you, not being left out.

If your girl is going to be the only child there, then i would ask very kindly that she be seated with you that way she's not put off into some corner and made to feel "left out." Hopefully the hostess will understand and accomidate her. If having one more matching place setting is what's keeping her from wanting your daughter to sit with everyone, offer to bring a setting of your own for your daughter if need be or a chair if she'd like.

Why not bring a few sets of your own china & napkins and things? Call her and ask whether she's got enough to go round--and afterwards, remember to help with dishes. (Cleanup is always the most annoying part, and the part nobody wants to do... but surprisingly nice conversations can be had over dishes.) Is there enough room in the dining room for everybody? maybe you could bring a card table so people aren't bumping elbows.

If your daughter doesn't mind spending time with a bunch of grown-ups, I wouldn't worry about taking her. I would've loved it; but then, I was a weird kid.

i would tell the husband to go enjoy dinner, you and the daughter would be having a dinner at home..... But that is me

Maybe ask her if she has enough chairs and/or dishes and offer to bring extra if she doesn't?

I wonder if she was trying to UNinvite you! Maybe she'd be relieved if you called and said some member of your family was coming into town unexpectedly and you were going to whip something up at home...?

And if you wanted to be reeeaaaallllly nice, you could still drop the salad and pie over earlier in the day...

Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

I wonder if she was trying to UNinvite you! Maybe she'd be relieved if you called and said some member of your family was coming into town unexpectedly and you were going to whip something up at home...?

And if you wanted to be reeeaaaallllly nice, you could still drop the salad and pie over earlier in the day...

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That's entirely possible too.

Perhaps suggest getting together next weekend instead?

Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

I wonder if she was trying to UNinvite you! Maybe she'd be relieved if you called and said some member of your family was coming into town unexpectedly and you were going to whip something up at home...?

And if you wanted to be reeeaaaallllly nice, you could still drop the salad and pie over earlier in the day...

Click to expand...

If her husband is going to be this person's boss one day, that would be a BAAAAD career move on the hosts part.

I know it is not nice to lie, but maybe you could have hubby go it alone and plead illness of your daughter, and of course you would send the salad and pie. Do it a day in advance so it won't seem like it was just a sudden excuse. (If possible, I would not let your girl know about the little lie for her own good, just that you would rather be with her.)
That would solve the problem and you could spend a girly night home with your daughter, who would probably be bored stiff at such a function. And it would save face with your hubby to be dedicated enough to his job to show up alone. I know this may not be the nicest thing to do, but it is also not nice to uninvite someone or make their child feel uncomfortable. It can be done in a civil manner and most important, not have your child's feelings hurt.
Please let us know what happens with it.

Thanks for all the suggestions! I guess it's pretty complicated since my husband would never, ever go to Thanksgiving dinner without his family. And I'm completely unprepared (and unwilling to do last minute) to make big dinner for us tonight.

I think the hostess would be very insulted if we don't go... we were the people she originally invited; I had told her if she makes the turkey I'll bring other dishes.

Thanks again, and I'll let you guys know what happens tonight!

Oh! How stupid of me -- I was thinking of AMERICAN Thanksgiving, in November! Of course you can't rearrange things at the last minute like this.

Daughter sits at the table and that's that.

This woman sounds like she's being a bit bitchy. If someone told me that, I'd be like "well maybe I'll have Thanksgiving dinner somewhere else." It sounds like she is trying to exclude your daughter so that it can be an "adult" affair, and she's throwing her grandfather under the bus by blaming him for wanting your daughter in the living room. That's not fair, and it's not right.

No wonder she's not known for her social graces, that was extremely rude of her to say to you.

Originally Posted by SwampWitch

Thanks for all the suggestions! I guess it's pretty complicated since my husband would never, ever go to Thanksgiving dinner without his family. And I'm completely unprepared (and unwilling to do last minute) to make big dinner for us tonight.

I think the hostess would be very insulted if we don't go... we were the people she originally invited; I had told her if she makes the turkey I'll bring other dishes.

Thanks again, and I'll let you guys know what happens tonight!

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I would just wait and see, maybe she didn't mean anything by it. If your husband is going to be her boss, I think she will be trying to please you. I would go with an open mind, I can't imagine anyone isolating a child at Thanksgiving,

It all worked out O.K.! I'm glad I didn't call or email her about it. Turns out one of the guests couldn't make it for dinner (came later for dessert) so there were eight at the table. Everyone behaved well.

Thanks again!