Long distance relationship

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arie85

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About 2 hours ago I had a very long phone conversation with my girlfriend. I haven't seen her for 2 months and when we saw each other on the end of July it was different.

I also met her on March this year and I like her a lot, and she's the one who started our relationship but since she had that trip and everything looks like everything has changed.

She always talks about how she likes to go out with her friends and she says her friends are the best thing in the world and she would never want to lose them. And basically
... I feel like I'm nothing for her. I told her now that I'm feeling that if I was in the list of your priorities, now I'm in the bottom of it.

I'm taking a very long flight to be with her in less than 2 weeks, it's a very long flight from where I am at the moment (currently not with my dad's family in Hillside New Jersey, or to be accurate, they're now in Spring Valley NY but it doesn't make any difference to the story I have right now).... and also the flight price is very expensive one, and I feel like she doesn't care about it.
I'm thinking about linking this thread, this post I'm writing right now to her and send it to her by email but maybe if she would see I'm talking about us on the net she's gonna be upset, however I don't think so, because she's not this kind of person


Anyway I don't know what to do. I don't wanna be a stranger in her house, I don't want to feel me & her have nothing in common.
We talked about it today, she said she likes her friends, so I said that's good and maybe I could "blend in" and be with them but then I also mentioned I've nothing in common with her friends. So she said at first place "why not, give it a shot" but then she said "oh, you're right, you do have nothing in common with them".

I feel like our "relationship" have fallen apart, and from something that had begun from her and from something that she wanted and from something that she started to call me everyday and send lot of emails - it's now like... everything has changed, I'm the only one who calls her and I barely do it once a day just to not lose everything.

Not sure right now if I wanna go and see her, I don't care about the flying ticket, that's not my concern, my concern is whether to go and see her or not.

I asked her "Please be honest with me - do you want me to come because you want to and feel like things can change or you think we lost it?" she said she wants me to come because she wants to but I can't believe her anymore


Dunno what to do.....
 

forensic

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You may really be overthinking how high she rates her friends. You can't really expect her to stay in and just call you constantly.

Then again, long distance relationships are very, very hard and require lots of trust and devotion. If you don't think you can trust her you'll need to think very hard about this.
 
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arie85

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Originally Posted by Forensic

You may really be overthinking how high she rates her friends. You can't really expect her to stay in and just call you constantly.

Then again, long distance relationships are very, very hard and require lots of trust and devotion. If you don't think you can trust her you'll need to think very hard about this.
That's what she said, that I don't trust her, but ... well .... simply one thing ... I don't care if she talks about her friends but it's like I called her so many times and I'm not referring to calling a few times a day but to once a day, and everytime I called she was busy, she almost never called me (she did but a very few times) and basically it looks like she doesn't care about me - how can I build my trust this way?
 

forensic

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Perhaps you could ask her to set up a 'set time' each day to have you call her or vice versa. Or ask her to call you the next time, or such.

If she's busy or doesn't call...

I'm sorry you're going through this.
 

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Is there a reason why you two can't arrange things so that you're closer together?

Usually, for me anyway, when a relationship has degenerated to the point where there's no longer any trust and you start to blame each other for things, I'll try to end the relationship as painlessly as possible (without causing any conflict, and through mutual agreement), and just move on with life.

If you try to end the relationship, and she has a serious objection to it, then maybe your mistrust isn't as valid as you had thought.

Some girls just like to be free and not tied down by someone, but there's the flip side where some girls will call you every minute wanting to know where you are and what you are doing and won't forgive you if you spend your free time without her.
 
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arie85

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Originally Posted by Lemur 6

Is there a reason why you two can't arrange things so that you're closer together?
That's the million dollar question. I really don't want to share it in the forum, since a lot of people might be reading this so I must hide this reason from you - however I can tell you now this should be the last time it happens that we shall be separated from each other as my reason to be away from her is now gone. And here, in this moment it looks like it was too late but I hope not, just don't know what to do.

Originally Posted by Lemur 6

Some girls just like to be free and not tied down by someone, but there's the flip side where some girls will call you every minute wanting to know where you are and what you are doing and won't forgive you if you spend your free time without her.
She just told me that on the phone, she said she doesn't like to feel a commitment to someone and I asked her why do you feel you need to be committed to me? "I just want us to be together but do what you want' I won't stand in your way" and she said I don't understand
 
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arie85

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Originally Posted by Forensic

Perhaps you could ask her to set up a 'set time' each day to have you call her or vice versa. Or ask her to call you the next time, or such.

If she's busy or doesn't call...

I'm sorry you're going through this.
It's impossible with her... no matter when I called she always had a few minutes for me but it looks like she still wants me to keep up with this relationship, I'm not sure of her, anyway the 'trust' term might be the issue here
 
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arie85

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Listening to Nickelback - Far Away now


I can't wait to be in Continental's airplane already, maybe I will tell you the whole story about me, just don't feel sure whether to do so or not, but it might help me to solve the issue with my girlfriend, you're familiar with a lot of things I don't....

(sad)

Arie
 

forensic

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Originally Posted by arie85

It's impossible with her... no matter when I called she always had a few minutes for me but it looks like she still wants me to keep up with this relationship, I'm not sure of her, anyway the 'trust' term might be the issue here
That's the idea behind setting up a time, asking her to devote say... half an hour to you.

 
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arie85

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Originally Posted by Forensic

That's the idea behind setting up a time, asking her to devote say... half an hour to you.



I can try it but I wonder if I should, if there's still a hope things would turn the good side just as it used to be... she doesn't have a "new boyfriend" but I'm not sure in which stage she stands right now
 

carolpetunia

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There's an old saying: "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours."

It's impossible for anyone to know what's in her mind... but it sounds to me as if you are far more devoted to her than she is to you. That kind of imbalance in a relationship inevitably puts pressure on both parties. It creates the potential for one party to (intentionally or otherwise) take advantage of the other, and it doesn't bode well for the long term.

If you agree with that assessment, then I would suggest that you cancel your expensive trip and make a determined effort to take one small step back from her for awhile. Make fewer contacts... and without being unfaithful, spend more time among your own friends. I think it would be healthy for you to rediscover who you are without your girlfriend.

Even if the two of you stay together, this would be a very healthy thing for you to do.

As for explaining to us what your situation is, why you've had to stay away so long... you should not post anything here that you would not want the world to see. But if you feel a need to tell someone, to talk about it... I believe all of us here would honor your privacy if you wanted to PM us.

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad!
 

dragoriana

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It's great that she has friends, but if the is constantly talking about them, and not really making her mind up about whether she even wants you there or not, that isn't a good sign. You need to tell her that you're making all this effort to see her, and contact her, and she is giving nothing in return. Does she really want to be in a relationship with you, and do you have the patience and love to hope that she changes.
 

capt_jordi

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Long distance relationships are a lot of work... and a lot of trust, and a lot of extra stress. I had one for 4 years, and now that I look back on it, I spent so many times sitting in front of the computer or by the phone waiting on him to call or IM me instead of out with my friends having fun. I would not go out somewhere late because I would miss talking to him. And now I realize how unhealthy that truly was. I was never happier than when I ended it and moved on and found my now BF and can see him more often.

For some people when they go from being single for a long time to having someone there it is a very hard adjustment! Its weird to not hang out with your friends all the time and worry about when to call someone please try to remember that if thats the case!
Also take a look at when you are calling her, if you are calling at like 7PM then chances are then yea she will probably be hanging out with friends or busy, why not try calling later like around 10 PM?
Dont forget, us girls are usually in herds or flocks, we like to be with our girlfriends and sometimes we dont see how much time we spend with them!

But more importantly, if you dont feel anything then dont make yourself miserable! Hope things get better one way or another!
 

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Don't go! Don't continue acting needy! This girl is NOT special. There are PLENTY PLENTY more girls out there!

If you continue chasing her, you will devalue yourself in her eyes.

Instead go out, with friends, walk up to random girls, be relaxed and have some fun, even get another girlfriend.

Start respecting yourself!

You feel so strongly towards this one insignificant girl because you have an addiction. You have shared some very nice times with her in the past no doubt, which contrasts greatly with the way she acts towards you now. This is characteristic of a variable interval, variable payoff addiction.

You need to break this addiction, regain your self respect, get out there with friends, get some other interests, and feel good about yourself again!

Women have the upper hand in dating because they control the sexual access; but it does not mean that you should demean yourself chasing after her! All you are doing is devaluing yourself.

Try waving a mouse on a string in front of a cat. But dont let the cat get it, just when it is near it, pull the mouse away! This is getting the cat addicted as it really wants to spear the mouse on its paw. BUT, if you let the cat have the mouse by just droping it the cat will play with it for 30secs and then tire, grow bored, and look for another boyfriend, erm, i mean toy.

If you knew that you could go out tonight and have the chance of having sex with any one of 3 amazing girls, would this girl still be so special in your eyes??? i think NOT!
 

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I wouldn't worry about her comments about her friends. At least she's not talking about one male friend in particular


However, in either party of the relationship, friends are very important to keep a healthy balance (IMO). You don't have to like her friends, just respect the fact that she has friends (and don't make fun of them).

Instead of emailing her this link, why don't you just TELL her? IMO not saying it, but typing it is just informal and not endearing, especially with how long you two have been together. I really think from your original post that you two need a very long talk. If she tries to tell you "No...it's all in your head" then ask her how she will attempt to not make you feel that way. Get her thinking a little.
 

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I am sorry to hear that this is so hard on you and your relationship. Long distance ones are tough.
Please understand tht I am in no way sticking up for her, it sounds like she could be being very mean to you, but there may be another side to this that maybe you should check out before making a decision. You are unhappy and lonely without her, maybe she is the same without you, and is trying to let you know that she is trying to make the best of things, even though she is not going about it very well by not being more considerate of your feelings. Maybe she has made some good friends and wants you to be a part of that as well.
Either way, IMHO, you will not know either way until you look her in the eyes and talk to her about the situation. Maybe you will get hurt, maybe it will make things ok, but you will never know if you don't sit down just the two of you and discuss it, let her know how this is affecting you, and see for yourself how it is affecting her. Either way, at least your life will no longer be on hold. You can move on with or without her, but you can move on. It is unfair for you to be toyed with, and should be put to a stop. I truly hope things work out how you want them to, but be prepared for something to happen, good or bad. I wish you good.
 
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arie85

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Hello.

I just came back home, and read all your posts (couldn't wait to do so), and I'm really confused. I don't know what to do.

Well, there are few things here I need to say

- I wanted to see her in order to "break" once and for all our long distance relationship and turn it into normal relationship, that's why I said there are some details I didn't describe here and I think I must tell you them in order to understand me - I really don't know what to do about it, I'm so confused whether to tell you those or not.

- Generally most of you say better drop her and take someone else... I'm not sure if I wanna do this, again, it's something which is a part of my life, I don't know what to tell you, it's very hard for me, especially when I'm not the kind of person who likes to go out with friends... and I was hoping to change it with her, since I'm all the time on the computer, or most of the time. I also have to run a website with some few other people which is a job that requires me a devotion everyday but I'm okay with it, the salary is ok for a such thing.

- I'm so confused on my next step, what should I do? give her a link to this thread? talk to her about it on the phone? she's not even in the mood for that but self-inside I know if she would see me things will change, I just know it, just don't like to go through this way...

- I'm really confused and need some advices on my next steps, it's not easy to make a decision right now, even if it might be a small decision which is only to talk, I really don't know how to step forward now...
 
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arie85

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Originally Posted by krazy kat2

Either way, IMHO, you will not know either way until you look her in the eyes and talk to her about the situation. Maybe you will get hurt, maybe it will make things ok, but you will never know if you don't sit down just the two of you and discuss it, let her know how this is affecting you, and see for yourself how it is affecting her.
So you're saying maybe I shouldn't call her and talk to her until next week when I see her?
 

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Contrary to popular belief, absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Basically out of sight, out of mind. Especially new relationships.

It sounds like this started out "online"?

If you have reservations about things, then don't go. The worse thing you can do is put yourself in a vulnerable position only to find out that your gut was right to begin with.

If I were you I'd have a heart to heart talk with her on the phone and be completely honest about your feelings and what vibes you are picking up from her. She may be feeling exactly the same thing and afraid to mention it.
 

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Not necessarily don't call her or speak to her, maybe just things ride as they are now until you can speak to her face to face. I just think it would be a bad idea to make any kind of decisions until you can talk to her in person. All this worry may be something that you are both feeling and can find a way to work out, since you seem to care about her. Something had to bring you 2 together to begin with, and it is obviously still with you, and I hope it is still with her as well. I truly hope it works out well for you. Please let us know. for things to go well!
 
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