TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › Long distance relationship
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Long distance relationship - Page 4  

post #91 of 115
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosiemac View Post
Because i'm in the same situation with the distance thing, i don't call Gil my friend and neither does he. Were partners even though we don't see each other every week. But if he was to say i was his friend because i couldn't see him as much as he wanted to, then i'd be taking that as a hint that he doesn't want it to carry on?.

Can i ask how often you see each other?.

I've been seeing Gil now for nearly 2 years and he would love to move in with me, but because we don't see each other on a weekly basis i don't know him as well as i should, so that's one reason why i wouldn't have him moving in. He's moving closer hopefully next year and then i can see him every weekend, but until then?.

If Gil ignored my phone calls/e-mails i'd be telling him to take a hike! We all have bad days, but i still don't ignore people, more so someone who's supposed to be my partner
But hey hey.... look at what you said... I will make it bold if you don't mind...

Can i ask how often you see each other?.\\

BINGO!

We never had a chance to be together for a long time

March 2007 - been with her for 1 week
April 2007 - been with her for 3-4 days
end of July 2007 - she's been here in a trip, we've been together here & there, she was for 2 weeks here but I couldn't be with her all the times

October 2007 - finally my 1st chance to be with her for ever! I don't want to ruin it

I love her Rosie, this isn't on a weekly basis, now you understand maybe what's going on between us?
post #92 of 115
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragoriana View Post
This is a big load of tripe.

You call her up and ask her straight forward "do you want to be in a relationship with me or not? A simple yes or no. Because if you cannot make your mind up, i will not spend my days hanging around and waiting for an answer when we both could be doing something productive instead of wasting eachothers time with false promises and confusion"
You think that's the way to do it?
post #93 of 115
you really are thinking about this too much! hell, you've got me thinking about this too much!

an example of your obsession, was when you answered to her:
"You really mean that? don't say it just to please me, I want you to be fully honest with me"

this is about her saying that she still would like you to visit, and dude (geez i can talk like an American :P lol, eh hem!, sorry, back to what i was saying) , you are questioning her like mad on whether or not she is telling the truth! the fact that your speech is like this with her shows how you are devaluing yourself.

seriously, all the advice thus far has been good quality, and i doubt anything new can be added. The hard part is getting yourself now to accept the advice and realise how things actually are, instead of gazing through those spectacles of yours, the ones with the obsessive filters!

stop treating this girl like she's some sort of goddess, some ultimate prize which you have to subjugate your dignity for!

the mind works by association, and it seems like she is the root of a lot of your associations at the moment, that is why you are dwelling on her so much! But you can change this; go try new hobbies, build new associations and enjoy yourself. It is the only way to stop yourself coming across as being so needy to her, which is devaluing yourself as a dating prospect for her (or any other woman) in the future.

oh yeah, and women lie a lot in dating, they have become exceedingly competent in this respect. They may not be flat out in your face lies, they can just be lying through omission.

oh one last, very important thing! don't ever fool yourself into thinking you can extract the truth from a woman! i told you already about the open-ended nature of their statements:
"maybe"
"i'll try"
"we'll see" etc......

men are very different, we have to be to keep business and commerce running smoothly. In the business world a man's word is worth a lot, if something is said, promised, it is carried out, our economies depend on this reliability - the business minded nature of men.

so it is natural for us men (as men generally know very little about women and dating) to assume that a woman's words have the same standing. very wrong conclusion!!!

women are like skilled politicians and can be particularly oblique when they speak. They do this for the same reasons as our skilled public servants - so that you cant hold them accountable!

ok, im gonna set you a task. Tonight/tomorrow night, to help get your mind off of her, you are going to go out with a friend and you are NOT going to talk even ONE word about her to this friend. Any time a thought of her enters your mind, you will immediately dismiss it, and re-focus your attention on something else (not necessarily the slim, sexy brunette sitting near by, althought this could be an interesting place to start!). Oh, and i must add in case she is your focus, dont focus on her for more than 3 seconds without either looking away or initiating some conversation, lest you freak her out!

Part 2 of the assignment is to talk to other people around esp clusters of women. Just be casual and talk about anything that enters your mind, and if you get bored of that then just move on to another venue with your friend!

good luck

webchap
post #94 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by arie85 View Post
You think that's the way to do it?


I know if Tristan started ignoring me, and changing his mind about things and that it wasn't due to stress from work, i would be very worried, and want straight answers. You are wasting alot of time wondering and worrying, when you should get down to the core of it and ask your gf what is going on and where you stand. You can be a boyfriend that is a great friend, you cannot be a great friend who occasionally goes over for a little bit of fun and dont know where you stand.

You need to tell her, if not for her then for your own good, what stands in the future. Maybe you both need to take a break from eachother, or from relationships, and maybe further down the line you'll gravitate back towards eachother, or you'll realise you don't need to hang onto her.

If you look at everyone's replies here, we are all saying the same thing. She is young and confused, and you are desperately hanging on when you dont even know what is happening.

Please have a proper talk with her.
post #95 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by arie85 View Post
Okay, I know what obsession is, and I know what addiction is... let me do it this way, if you can answer me on these questions then I'd listen to you...

Well if you realise what both of these things are I hope you realise you aer going through them.
I'm unsure of why you need me to re confirm these things for you when I have already answered them ... But sure...


1) Why did she say she want me to come to be with her?

Because she is trying to let you down gently. All through out this thread you have mentioned she has said she is not ready for commitment, she is unsure of what she wants. At the very start of this thread you mentioned you're worried about being a stranger in her home .. if you are that close why would you feel that? You said in one entry "We ain't breaking up." ... I'm sorry, but the fact you are just friends states you already have?

2) Why did she say there is a chance things would be better but she cannot make any decision while I'm here and she's there?

I've already answered this in my previous thread portions. She's 17 and does not know what she wants at the moment.

3) The story is pretty simple - she doesn't answer phone / emails because she doesn't want to. Other words - she doesn't want us to communicate the way we are anymore, she's tired of it - why relationship is dead because of that thing?
There is no need for me to answer this question. You already did. She's tired of it. Love does not get tired of communication

4) A friend can always get upgraded to be a boyfriend, right?
You're quite right, but from marriage to friends? I'm sorry but that is saying it all

5) The million dollar question: Suppose you're right and we're currently friends, when I will come there - why don't you think things can go better? We're friends because we haven't seen each other, and as you mentioned she needs support in her life - now I can give it to her, so why not going (or "playing" if you call it a bet) on this option?



Does the fact she went from "I want to marry you" to "I just want to be friends" not scream something at you? If she wanted to marry it, it wouldn't matter if she only saw you once in a year, the love required for marriage does not just turn off in a few months. The love for marriage is something that needs to be carried through a life time and something that needs to be strong and overcome all adversity's.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragoriana View Post
This is a big load of tripe.

You call her up and ask her straight forward "do you want to be in a relationship with me or not? A simple yes or no. Because if you cannot make your mind up, i will not spend my days hanging around and waiting for an answer when we both could be doing something productive instead of wasting eachothers time with false promises and confusion"
Good advice lol!

Webchap ~ Although your post holds alot of sexist tripe! *Thwap* There are some good points about the obsession.

It's not just females that can be fickle and lie. We have all been in a bad relationship at one point or another to as where the other person couldn't make up their mind. Tis true males and females are totally different beasts, but it does not make one more likely to lie then the other. When pushed in to a situation most will act the same.!

Arie, no one on here is trying to be mean or trying to break your heart.
No one who has been though it wants to see this happen to another human being.
The advantage they do however have is they are looking it with no Bias.
You are in love with her, and for want of a better expression the sun shine out her bum to you.
She can no no wrong. It's totally natural for you to make excuses for her and to try and reason the best you know how to as why she is acting like this. This makes any other possibility then the one screaming you in the face acceptable because it will hurt you less.
In the long run it will hurt you more. I think Dragoriana advice of just call her and lay it on the table .. do you want this or not is perfect.
If she loves you as much as she should to get married, there should be only one answer.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosiemac View Post
If Gil ignored my phone calls/e-mails i'd be telling him to take a hike! We all have bad days, but i still don't ignore people, more so someone who's supposed to be my partner
Perfectly put
post #96 of 115
"Arie, no one on here is trying to be mean or trying to break your heart.
No one who has been though it wants to see this happen to another human being.
The advantage they do however have is they are looking it with no Bias.
You are in love with her, and for want of a better expression the sun shine out her bum to you.
She can no no wrong. It's totally natural for you to make excuses for her and to try and reason the best you know how to as why she is acting like this. This makes any other possibility then the one screaming you in the face acceptable because it will hurt you less."

- i totally agree with all this.

I take issue with this statement:
"Tis true males and females are totally different beasts, but it does not make one more likely to lie then the other."

women will always lie far more than men! They simply have to! They carry the burden of physically birthing offspring and they will stop at nothing to try to ensure that they have a strong "alpha male" on call to help them raise the children. Say a woman were to stray, she is not going to tell her husband that the child has 50% of her genes and none of his, no!!! she wants the guy to raise the child anyway, so she must tell the ultimate lie whether in direct terms or through omission.

ok this example is extreme, but it is this biological requirement that cascades lies through all levels of interaction with women. they have to be well practised at lying, as they are more vulnerable!! plus they like to compete with other women for the best males, and will engage in all sorts of bitchiness to be successful in this regard.


webchap
post #97 of 115
You've just been seeing her since march!! I must have missed that because i thought it was longer with what you've been saying.

Arie, i may not see Gil every week, but in 2 years weve seen quite a bit of each other and that's the difference.

Most of the replies have been from us women, and we all seem to say the same thing, why?, because we know how a woman thinks, but that doesn't mean were all the same like how webchap describes women, because were not, and i can tell you some nasty things that some of the blokes in the office have done to women i can tell you

Theres your task what Dragoriana said. Just ask her out right what she wants, and if she say's again about being friends, accept it graciously and move on.

Like Okuda has said, no ones trying to break your heart or upset you, were telling it to you from an outsiders point of view
post #98 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosiemac View Post
Most of the replies have been from us women, and we all seem to say the same thing, why?, because we know how a woman thinks, but that doesn't mean were all the same like how webchap describes women, because were not, and i can tell you some nasty things that some of the blokes in the office have done to women i can tell you

Theres your task what Dragoriana said. Just ask her out right what she wants, and if she say's again about being friends, accept it graciously and move on.

Like Okuda has said, no ones trying to break your heart or upset you, were telling it to you from an outsiders point of view
Kudos to me I think i know how a female thinks, but sometimes i wonder why my brain does what it does!!

Can i just add, Tristan and i have been together 2 years as well. We live about an hours drive apart (i know not as much as you guys) and we manage to see eachother twice a week, and i stay over every fortnight weekend. I dont drive and he does so i sort of meet him halfway, as he can drive a couple of hours or more some days just to do a round trip with me. I am out of work for now, but Tristan works full time, public transport doesnt go all the way to his home either as he lives out in the country. And i have other commitments and things as well. I am extremely lucky i get to see him as much as i do!

I didnt even have a relationship till i was 21. Well i think at 17 i wanted a relationship as well, but the whole hormonal thing took over more.

I do wish i could understand more though what Aries gf was thinking.
post #99 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by Okuda View Post

Does the fact she went from "I want to marry you" to "I just want to be friends" not scream something at you? If she wanted to marry it, it wouldn't matter if she only saw you once in a year, the love required for marriage does not just turn off in a few months. The love for marriage is something that needs to be carried through a life time and something that needs to be strong and overcome all adversity's.
If she loves you as much as she should to get married, there should be only one answer.
I'd have to agree with this. If this were someone that truly wants to marry you, DESPITE the situation she should be picking up that phone every time you call, or returning your calls the same day.

You can convince yourself that its just your situation and that everything will be kisses and roses when you get there in 10 days, but I really think that things have changed on her end.

I would take a couple days off from thinking about her. Go out with your friends, talk sports, beer, etc thump on your chest for a couple of days and then consider giving her a phone call.

If you're in the "friends" category now, "friends" don't call each other 3 times a day and send an email. "Friends" call once, leave one message and go on with the rest of their day. She could be testing your respect for her space.
post #100 of 115
Thread Starter 
I'm sorry but I simply refuse to accept what you're saying...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragoriana View Post
I didnt even have a relationship till i was 21. Well i think i wanted a relationship as well, but the whole hormonal thing took over more.
Maybe I should repeat it again more clearly...

I agree she's young and she doesn't know what she wants

BUT

What's the problem for me to be there with her?

I DONT CARE if she doesn't know what she wants now

I DONT CARE if she wants to be with her friends now and want to have a good time with them

All I want is to be WITH HER - she can go be with her friends, I just want to know I'm together with her

I can give her a lot of trust and I don't mind what she's doing out there, I just want to BE WITH HER

Darn... you dont know, you simply dont know where I've been in the last 3 years, that's why you can't understand me, I just really can't explain this because it's personal...

Please just read those lines:

Right now we are friends because we're not with each other, there was not enough time to build a strong love between us

When I'll be there things CAN change, for sure!!!


I'm just suffering from waiting until the end of next week, you don't know why I'm waiting and I don't blame you, but this sucks! I wish I could go and be with her already and make the whole thing STOPS

I hate the situation I'm in!!
post #101 of 115
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lunasmom View Post
You can convince yourself that its just your situation and that everything will be kisses and roses when you get there in 10 days, but I really think that things have changed on her end.
You're right, things have changed, but you saw how quickly she changes her mind... the issue won't be changing it again - the issue is now - I WANT TO BE WITH HER AND I CANNNNT
post #102 of 115
Ok, so let's think ahead of what might/could happen when you go over to see her, because your obviously uptight about the way she's being with you?.

So, what if when you go she sits you down and tells you face to face that all she want's is to be good friends?. Will you accept that and respect her wishes?.

You've just said yourself how she changes her mind on what she want's with you, that in my book is called playing mind games
Quote:
Originally Posted by arie85 View Post
I DONT CARE if she doesn't know what she wants now
So are you quite happy to put your life on hold until she knows what she wants?
post #103 of 115
Arie, if you do not care what she does or doesn't want, why have you come to us for help? We have given you tonnes of advice, and just about everyone has said it from experience and good common sense.

You have just said now you realise you cannot be with her. Have the talk with her sooner or later to get the air cleared before you dig yourself a hole of depression. And if she says what you fear, do not hide away from everyone. We will be here if you want us to give you a shoulder or an ear. These things happen to alot of people, we've all been through cr*p.
post #104 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by arie85 View Post
I'm sorry but I simply refuse to accept what you're saying...



Maybe I should repeat it again more clearly...

I agree she's young and she doesn't know what she wants

BUT

What's the problem for me to be there with her?

I DONT CARE if she doesn't know what she wants now

I DONT CARE if she wants to be with her friends now and want to have a good time with them

All I want is to be WITH HER - she can go be with her friends, I just want to know I'm together with her

I can give her a lot of trust and I don't mind what she's doing out there, I just want to BE WITH HER

Darn... you dont know, you simply dont know where I've been in the last 3 years, that's why you can't understand me, I just really can't explain this because it's personal...

Please just read those lines:

Right now we are friends because we're not with each other, there was not enough time to build a strong love between us

When I'll be there things CAN change, for sure!!!


I'm just suffering from waiting until the end of next week, you don't know why I'm waiting and I don't blame you, but this sucks! I wish I could go and be with her already and make the whole thing STOPS

I hate the situation I'm in!!

Then why start this thread if you refuse to accept what EVERYONE is saying. Because each and every person on this thread has giving you the exact same advice?

Read what you have just wrote ...All you are caring about is what YOU want....
post #105 of 115
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosiemac View Post
So, what if when you go she sits you down and tells you face to face that all she want's is to be good friends?. Will you accept that and respect her wishes?.
She could say that, but I will be there with her and I will change the way she thinks. I cannot do it from here or over the phone, I must be with her physically.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosiemac View Post
You've just said yourself how she changes her mind on what she want's with you, that in my book is called playing mind games

So are you quite happy to put your life on hold until she knows what she wants?
Yeah, what's so wrong with that?
post #106 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by arie85 View Post
She could say that, but I will be there with her and I will change the way she thinks. I cannot do it from here or over the phone, I must be with her physically.
How? If theres something that can't be done, it's to try and change someones feelings.
Quote:
Originally Posted by arie85 View Post
Yeah, what's so wrong with that?
I truly can't believe that someone would put their life on hold for someone who may only want a friendship and nothing more
post #107 of 115
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragoriana View Post
Arie, if you do not care what she does or doesn't want, why have you come to us for help? We have given you tonnes of advice, and just about everyone has said it from experience and good common sense.

You have just said now you realise you cannot be with her. Have the talk with her sooner or later to get the air cleared before you dig yourself a hole of depression. And if she says what you fear, do not hide away from everyone. We will be here if you want us to give you a shoulder or an ear. These things happen to alot of people, we've all been through cr*p.
I need your help with what I'm going through now... with my "waiting" or "time spending" for the end of next week... It's driving me nuts. I know she's not the same-way anxious to see me at the end of next week but I do wanna tell her that I want her (not her mom or anyone else) to be the one to pick me up from the airport, otherwise I will go and land in California or whatever I wanna be... I'm waiting for next week like a prisoner who's waiting in his last week in prison to get released (and in some sort of way I've been through something similar)

You keep talking on what she said and it's indeed an important point but I'm kinda sorry for bringing this up. After conclusion I think what's more important is to pass the coming days...

And yes, I know, go hang out with your friends, do something else, call her once a day, not 3 times - I read all your tips, I just can't implement them, dunno why, it's tough for me, especially when what's required here is a "temporary hold" not to pass on or move on - what I need to do now is to pass 9 days (yesterday it was 10) waiting for her... this isn't the same as moving on... this is a wait, please try to understand me
post #108 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by arie85 View Post
She could say that, but I will be there with her and I will change the way she thinks. I cannot do it from here or over the phone, I must be with her physically.

There is a law in Wicca that we must follow in regards do spell working, and that is 'you cannot alter the human will'

The human will is nature. Whatever someone decides, is what will be. And that is commin sense as well. Saying that you will change the way she thinks, is very controlling, and so, so very WRONG. The way you are speaking, it sounds very unhealthy, and that she may be in a bit of trouble if she actually considers staying with you or considers leaving. Because you seem to have a bit of a clinginess issue.

I'm sorry.
post #109 of 115
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosiemac View Post
How? If theres something that can't be done, it's to try and change someones feelings.

I truly can't believe that someone would put their life on hold for someone who may only want a friendship and nothing more
I L-O-V-E HER
post #110 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by arie85 View Post
I need your help with what I'm going through now... with my "waiting" or "time spending" for the end of next week... It's driving me nuts. I know she's not the same-way anxious to see me at the end of next week but I do wanna tell her that I want her (not her mom or anyone else) to be the one to pick me up from the airport, otherwise I will go and land in California or whatever I wanna be... I'm waiting for next week like a prisoner who's waiting in his last week in prison to get released (and in some sort of way I've been through something similar)

You keep talking on what she said and it's indeed an important point but I'm kinda sorry for bringing this up. After conclusion I think what's more important is to pass the coming days...

And yes, I know, go hang out with your friends, do something else, call her once a day, not 3 times - I read all your tips, I just can't implement them, dunno why, it's tough for me, especially when what's required here is a "temporary hold" not to pass on or move on - what I need to do now is to pass 9 days (yesterday it was 10) waiting for her... this isn't the same as moving on... this is a wait, please try to understand me
Now seeing this new post, you also seem very confused. You seem desperate for her to love you. One minute you seem angry and are determined to get her to love you, and the next you seem like you have already realised it might be doomed.

You need to spend this waiting time for yourself, do not fret too much over this issue and just let the day come. Busy yourself with chores, work, family, anything other than the thought of her. Otherwise you will kill yourself with stress.
post #111 of 115
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragoriana View Post
There is a law in Wicca that we must follow in regards do spell working, and that is 'you cannot alter the human will'

The human will is nature. Whatever someone decides, is what will be. And that is commin sense as well. Saying that you will change the way she thinks, is very controlling, and so, so very WRONG. The way you are speaking, it sounds very unhealthy, and that she may be in a bit of trouble if she actually considers staying with you or considers leaving. Because you seem to have a bit of a clinginess issue.

I'm sorry.
Why are you all viewing those issues darkly?

Usually I'm the one who's being pessimistic about things but not about that - why are you acting so?
post #112 of 115
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragoriana View Post
Otherwise you will kill yourself with stress.
I cannot dump this stress, I'm full of it right now, it's so hard

I'm trying, trying to do something but I can't

I have mood for nothing, simply nothing

I don't have a mood to see a move, don't have a mood to go out, don't have a mood to surf the Intrent, hardly have a mood to work on my website

I even thought about using a sports-betting websites to be interested in some Sports games and not her, but none of this is working! nothing attracts me, nothing but her, omg I'm full of obsession I can feel it
post #113 of 115


Nothing is getting thou here. Everyone has been nice and offered such good and kind advice. He is just gonna hear what he wants to and discard the rest. Total waste of time answering.
post #114 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by arie85 View Post
I L-O-V-E HER
Let me give you an interesting little story. Man meets girl. Girl falls in love with man (girl 19 man 32) girl spends about 3 years chasing after man when they are only friends, he knows damn well how she feels, he also scr*ws around behind her back with 2 women one of whom claimed to be a good friend, almost like a sister. The other one the same age as girl who was only coming interstate to stay over while she met friends...and ended up doing it on the couch because he couldn't keep it in his pants!! Man claims there is nothing wrong with having sex with a friend. Mind you man had his way with an extremely ugly overweight woman who was getting advice from girl about a lovely man she met and she had no idea it was her friend! Man admits he thought for a split second about having it off with girl, but didnt want to ruin friendship, and admits he has commitment issues and doesn't want to hurt girl. Girl has breakdown, girl wants to kill herself, girl meets extremely lovely man only 2 years older, girl cuts dumb man from life, girl gets engaged to nice man and lives happily ever after.

Do NOT C-L-I-N-G.

The end.
post #115 of 115
I think weve all given good advice, and we just seem to be going around in circles, so i'll close this thread now.

Good luck though Arie
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Cat Lounge
This thread is locked  
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › Long distance relationship