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Men & women & violence rant

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 
Tonight I spent the evening at A & E (ER) with a friend, who's new partner had just beaten her up. Luckily nothing serious - just bruises - except her self-esteem crushed, her confidence at rock-bottom, feeling humiliated.

A previous partner of hers used to regularly beat her up - she used to pass the injuries off as being accident-prone and would tell elaborate tales of how they happened. She stayed with that bloke for 6 years!! Over the past three years we have become more friendly and she dropped hints about it, but would change the subject if asked directly. Tonight she admitted regular visits to the hospital for x-rays and stitches.

Why do men resort to physical violence?

Why do women stay with men after they have been physically abused?

I can sort of understand the humiliation and the feeling of not wanting anyone to know that this has happened to you - but why not get out?

I asked my friend a very direct question "What do you want to happen now?" and she said "I want to turn the clock back an hour to before he hit me" as if it was something she had said or done to "push" him into hitting her. She refused to get the police involved with the last bloke and refuses again this time. She had a telephone conversation with this new chap, who apologised and asked what she wanted him to do - she said "You do whatever you want to do".

I have never been in the situation, I am lucky to have never had a partner use their fists on me, or slap me, or do anything threatening. I don't think I understand the issues behind violence in the "marital" home. All I can do is support her choices. What else can I do? She knows that she has sofa-space at my house (used on more than one occassion before), she has many other supportive friends, including a trained counseller. She is an intelligent woman - I cannot and will not tell her what to do - she has to be the one to make the decisions in her life. I'm at a loss.

Sorry for my long rambling rant. I don't think I want answers - I want her to say "NO".
post #2 of 11
I am so sorry for your friend. I hope that she will get out of it someday and find a much better and wonderful man. My best friend was like that, she finally got out and is now with a good man and has 2 kids. Sometimes it is hard for them to get out, as it was for her. She will be in my prayers and thoughts.

post #3 of 11
Make sure that she does have a place to go when and if she leaves the guy and give her resources that can help her now. Has she been seeing a cousellor? Can you contact a woman's abuse counsellor to go see her?

Abuse is such a very long and destructive cycle. It usually starts from home base, seeing the mother being abused or the children are. Then they continue on this cycle of feeling 'worthless' and go on to date and marry men that are abusive to continue the cycle.

It's horrible to see and know someone in this position. I went through this with a friend from school. I agree, she probably is an intelligent woman. Unfortunately, somewhere along her journey she has been psychologically manipulated to accept the fact that love does hurt. Now, she has to be 'retrained' into understanding that she does not deserve this and her self esteem has to be built up before this happens.

It's a whole psychological cycle that has to be broken before she can fully say "NO!". I know what it's like to watch a friend try to break this cycle. It's heartbreaking!

post #4 of 11
I went through this twice myself. Looking back, I cannot believe I ever let myself get in that position, because I was not raised that way. I know it seems like she should run right out the door and not look back, but it is not always that easy to make a clean break. The first one died. It took me a little over a year to get myself into a position to get away from the second one. I had to make sure my daughter could not be in harm's way before I left. If she has pets, sometimes arrangements must be made for them, money saved, relatives warned, and many other details. She is lucky to have supportive friends. That is so important. Please don't give up on her. The cycle can be broken, and she can get on with her life, happy and healthy. She just has to realize it is not going to get better. I now have a wonderful man that treats me with respect and love. We have been together 17 years, and hopefully will have many more. Best of luck to her, I hope she realizes that she has such a caring friend.
post #5 of 11
I know first hand what it's like to be in a relationship like that one. My ex-fiance never beat me up physically (mostly verbally), but when we would argue he would grab my arms and twist them until they were bruised. He would always tickle me, but when I was ready to quit he would hold my arms down so hard that they would bruise. It must have been a control thing...he knew I was helpless when I was like this and that he was in total control. The only time I really remember him actually hitting me was when he did it in front of my Mother. I was joking around and "play" kicked his leg...and he literally slapped me on the butt HARD! It hurt like the dickins and I took off my pants & found a perfect hand print planted on my butt. My Mom came unglued with him right then and there...but his abuse never stopped. I was with him for 5 years and I finally couldn't take it any more. It was one of the hardest things I've ever went through. All of my friends (except 3) took his side of the story and now have nothing to do with me. I knew that my friends (who were his friends to begin with) would abandon me and I didn't want that. They were my best friends...all of them were in my wedding party! To me, it was like I was completely alone and I did not want that...but yet I couldn't stand to be in a relationship with this guy - not to mention get married to him!
It's been hard, even now that's been 3 years since that time. My ex and I are friends & I pity the woman who falls for him...I don't think he'll ever change. Most men like that never do change...the women just deal with it. It's sad that those women don't stand up for themselves...They're are men out there who will care for them the way that they deserve!

OK...I'm stepping off my soap box now.
Just my 2 cents...ok, maybe 3 cents!LOL!
post #6 of 11
Sadly enough many women think they deserve it because of something that happened earlier in their life or by what their partner says or does. I pray that she will see that she does not belong in an abusive relationship. You are a good friend. She is going to need you. ((((( hugs )))))
post #7 of 11
My mom stayed with Daddy, for 12 years of beatings and emotional abuse. Fortunately, I broke the cycle. My first husband hit me - once. I got in one good kick and headed out the door. That was 26 years ago and no one has ever done that to me, again.

No one "deserves" to be abused. I don't understand the "I had it coming" attitude. Guess I'm just too ornery.

Hope your friend wakes up, soon and bails, before she winds up permanently maimed or dead.
post #8 of 11
I dispise men who use violence against women. It makes me sick and also makes me think how someone could do it?

Jenny has the ability to wind me up something rotten but we then just have water gun fights :P Arguements happen they always do, but I would never even dream of raising my hand, she'd kick the cr*p out me anyway.

I remember one time we got into a huge fight over me buying a second hand car. Doors were slammed, tempers were flaired but on no occasion did either of us want to hit one another. Then later that night I apologised and said I'd take the car back and get a refund. It was my fault, I should have asked, it was an impulse buy.

While I was getting organised for bed I heard movement on the staircase, peaking my head around the door I got a face full of water. She'd bought some water pistols for the kids next door and decided to use one of them, on me! We made up and although I said I take the car back she said we needed 2 anyway. I still felt I had to take it back, but she uses it more than me.

I really hope your friend is okay and gets everything sorted out. Sending positive thoughts from the UK.
post #9 of 11
Domestic violence stinks. My first husband, although usually quiet and docile, would erupt into tempers and get violent. No broken bones, but physical abuse all the same (first time was on our honeymoon in the Caribbean - great huh)?

I know now that it was because he was not very articulate verbally, and became very frustrated during arguments when I could win any verbals hands down by the application of rational thought.

That is no excuse at all, and I'm not justifying his behaviour or saying I was to blame. It's simply that I understand where it stemmed from. The whole relationship lasted little more than 4 years, and I've been with hubby number 2 for almost 10 years. Sure we argue and don't talk sometimes, but never anything horrible.

I walked out of my first marriage. I left the house and pretty well everything in it apart from my clothes. Luckily I could go back to my parents house and had a safe place from which to rebuild my life.

I think the most important thing is to have a way out, and although friends are not there to tell you what to do, in a situation like this if you can help to give someone the strength to make that decision to leave then I think there is a responsility to do so. What if she was hospitalized or worse and you did nothing to encourage her to leave? How would you feel then?

Maybe you can guide her without actually telling her what to do? Remember, what she is going through is very traumatic, and she may not be thinking too clearly, and any clarity you can shed would help immensly. I wish her luck and strength to get through this.
post #10 of 11
It is funny that this post is here and I find it tonight. My mother has been abused by her husband forever. I left home at 15 and requested to be put in foster care to get away from my step dad and mother. I stayed away from my whole family for many years. I am 26 now and decided it ws time for me to be closer to my family. I have four children and my mother has children very close to my childrens age. I have them over quite often. My mom had been split up from my step father for almost 6 months until welfare cut her off for not having a paper filled out. So she just took him in again last weekend. I got a call last night begging me to take in my brother and sister. When I got there my mom threw out a couple of suitcases and sent the kids out. He was beating her again. My mom will choose him over her kids she has 5 kids and all of us have been let down by her.
So here is the situation I dont want to take my siblings back, But what can i do?
post #11 of 11
Thread Starter 
Sorry I'm still ranting.

My friend came round to talk tonight after work before going home - she spotted him heading back to HER house, and wanted to think before she saw him. I really couldn't help myself tonight and gave sort of advice. I stated the options she has:

- accept it
- kick him out (it is her house)
- set the rules - "If you touch me in anger again I will get the police and it is over between us"

She said she didn't know what she would do until she saw him and heard what he had to say. Grrrr! She said that previously she thought there was something about her that "made" men hit her - but she has had years of conselling and is trying to convince herself that it is them not her. Her father used to use his fists, so there is history. She says that she is more disappointed in him than angry... Go figure.

She knows that I am here and I don't think there is anything else I can do, except be an ear and a shelter. But I am so angry with him ... and with her!

Ceehorne - I really feel for you.
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