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any stepparents?

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
I am a stepparent of two and the kids are great. Our problem is with their mother (my husband's ex-wife).

I am new to this site and feel wierd posting new things so quickly but have no where else really that I can go. This woman does so much hateful spitful things to my husband just to hurt his feelings and I am just so upset that he had to drop the kids off by himself because I can't stop crying.

I guess I may be overreacting to everything a little but I can't stand watching her do whatever whenever she pleases when it comes to those boys like my husband doesn't even exist. He has gone through a lot, we both have, for those boys and we love them unconditionally no matter what and she just sees them as a paycheck. She does stuff for her convience not caring how it's affecting the children and I really think she needs to grow up and give us the kids.

I mean she does all this crazy stuff to the kids and allows them to do stuff and then they come here and talk about all this stuff and I know how much it hurts my husband's feelings and after everything she put him through in their marriage I just can't take it and can't see him get upset like he does. He doesn't let on he's upset but you can see that it hurts him and I can't stop crying for both the kids and him. They'd be so much better off with us I just wish we could get them!
post #2 of 8
Both DH and I are stepparents as he has 3; I have 1 and we were fortunate that we both got custody of all the kids.

However, our kids were teens or older when we married. We got spared a lot of headaches most have to deal with when the kids are under 12 yrs old. But we still had our share of both ex's and their poor parenting skills.

DH's ex was nicknamed "evil one" and she fit it. She decided that a bf was more important then her kids; she never took one weekend visitation the entire time till they were 18. She took them on scheduled holidays but never overnite - and DH calculated one year she spent a total of 10 HOURS THE ENTIRE YEAR seeing her youngest son! And the "witch" lived about 15-20 mins from us!

My son's father was almost as bad; tho he did take visitation when living in the same state. He, however, didn't bother to come to his son's graduation or grad party after saying he would.

I know its frustrating. Is there any stepparent support groups in your church or community that would be beneficial? The hardest part is not to say bad things about the ex, even if they deserve it!
post #3 of 8
Thread Starter 
I've looked into the church and stuff but no step parenting help. I thought about starting my own but unfortunetely (well not unfortunetely) not many people in this town divorce.

I don't say anything bad about her but will mention stuff to my husband like "you need to say something about her doing (fill in rude action here)". I know she says her share of horrible things about us.

I seriously need to go to therapy because of her.

We have a nickname for her too wh_ _ _(I think you can fill in the blanks) and she also has earned her nick name TEN TIMES over by now.
post #4 of 8
Just remember - take the high road - as tempting as it is, don't stoop to her low level when badmouthing! And it takes a lot of strength and biting your tongue at times!

In a way, reverse it and feel sorry that she has to resort to that low level for whatever her reason. How old are your kids?
post #5 of 8
Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45 View Post
Just remember - take the high road - as tempting as it is, don't stoop to her low level when badmouthing! And it takes a lot of strength and biting your tongue at times!
That's about what I was going to say. Now I'm coming from the step-child's point of view here, but my ex-step-mom was awful. Her own boys still see my dad when they are in town, but they don't go to see their mother who they live near! She actually used to tell my Dad what to say to my Mother.

Anyway, she wasn't the nicest person and I know she had it bad as a kid, but really. In all honesty, now I'm fully grown and my Dad divorced her when I was about 18. It's a shame it took that long, but because my Mother didn't harp on my Dad about his awful wife, they are able to talk together and things now and will be able to enjoy their future grandchildren without incident. (Plus my Dad and I have a MUCH better relationship)

I've also seen my mother deal with my step-dad's ex wife. I think that may be where Mom learned not to bad mouth, because she and my mother are like night and day. But your description of the ex-wife reminds me of what I heard about her. The impression I got was that my oldest step-sister at the age of 10 or 11 was cooking dinner for 6 kids and 2 adults and watching the younger kids while Mom worked 3 jobs and I guess the step-dad did too.

I guess what I'm saying is to guard your tongue. I hope you can find a group to talk with, but it just seems bad mouthing and venting only makes things worse. Especially if your step-son's find out. So I'd suggest saving whatever conversations you have with your husband about it, happen when the boys are not with you. I know from experience that kids will hear everything they aren't supposed to. I know my step-siblings know their mother could have done things better, but they will defend her 120% to anyone else because they love her regardless. And the same for my step-dad. But I remember conversations that had sentences starting with "Your mother" always ended up in big fights.

That's all the long winded (sorry!) advice or thoughts I can add. I know your in a tough spot at this point and I commend you for not shying away from it. I hope you can find some support (possibly from books too?) to help you.
post #6 of 8
Thread Starter 
Thanks! The stepsons are 7 and 14. I have known them since they were 2 and a 1/2 and 9 and 1/2.

I try so hard not to say anything bad about her and usually when they are over I don't say anything at all because they are always quick with "well my mom says this (fill in blank with horrible statement) about you and my dad."

I think it's a lot with the oldest boy knows better and knows what to say that is going to hurt our feelings and cause fights between us all. I exploded though when they were over and I found out some stuff she did so I'm sure that the oldest will tell his mother and I feel bad for saying it but I was just so upset.

I try to be a good stepmom but she makes it impossible and really makes it so they don't want to have a relationship with me at all. I just wish we could get custody of them and I hope soon we can afford to keep them and still pay her the child support. She doesn't want the boys and never did but just wanted them so she could get a large child support check from my husband when she eventually found a man better than him (which is impossible IMO because he's so great). She would definetely hand them over to us if she could still recieve her child support but until I find a decent job we can't afford our two and my stepkids. We tried for awhile and we just could not.
post #7 of 8
The problem is that unless she's on drugs or alcohol or some other reason, its next to impossible to change custody once its given. Even in those cases above, it takes a lot to change a judge's mind.

DH and I met in a divorce chat room and we've heard horror stories. You'll find there are families with worse problems then yours in there.

I suggest that whenever the kids start with "my mom says....", then ask them "do you really think that is something nice to say about me or your dad?" "We love you very much and we would not want to hurt others by mean words." Give them something to start thinking about.

Or start a "nice" game - when they are there, make it "Nice Day/Weekend" and no one can say anything bad about another person. Find as much nice and good things to say to each other as often as you can. Show them that YOU guys are above being mean like their mother without even saying anything bad. They will wake up to what she's doing.
post #8 of 8
Oh goodness, that must be so hard! I am not a parent but I can only imagine how much that would hurt your feelings to hear such things. Remember, they love their mom and want her attention badly so they are lible to take her side even when she does things wrong. It's not your fault at all so try not to let it hurt your feelings. Kids that age just don't know what to do, all they know is that they want their parent's love and support.

The best you can do is just be a better parent than she is. Be there for their sports games, recitals, plays & graduation. Call them to check on them, if they have email then email them.

They may not appreciate it at first but someday they will realize their own mother is never their for them but YOU are. And they'll start coming to you. I can promise you if you stay sweet (sounds like second nature to you!) and supportive and leave the negative & hateful things to their mom they'll realize it soon enough.

However if their mom is endangering them in -any- way then you may want to talk to your husband about reporting her.

Good luck! You're in my prayers.
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