Friend inviting herself along.....how to handle it?

MoochNNoodles

TCS Member
Thread starter
Veteran
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
36,646
Purraise
23,468
Location
Where my cats are
I don't think I normally post things like this, but I need a bit of advice. My Birthday is tomorrow and I just got an e-mail from a casual friend about my plans and can she come.

Well every year my Mother and one of my long time best friends go to a gem show in Ocean City Maryland. It always falls right around my birthday so it usually is part of my celebration. DH works tomorrow and typically works late, so this year Mom, my best friend and I are planning to celebrate at the show on Saturday, and then meet DH, my Step-dad and step-siblings for dinner at the beach.

I'm typically a very private person and I honestly like that this annual event is just the 3 of us (or sometimes my Mom's god-daughter will come, but I've known her since she was tiny so she's like family too).

This friend who wants to be in on any plans and I have known each other about 5 years now, but it's just recently that she's started to call me a lot looking for something to do. She and her husband just separated and she's lonely. I completely understand and sympathize with her for that, but this is a special thing. Am I being just awful for not wanting her to come?

I don't want to lie but I don't know how to handle it. I don't like people asking themselves into plans like that period. I'd never do that myself. I guess I could just tell her about diner and see if she wants to come, but then she'd find out that my Mom, best friend, and I spent the day together and didn't invite her. She is a nice person, but can be a bit much, if that makes sense. I mean I'm not even inviting any other friends, even though I have a few people I consider much closer to me than her. I guess I could go ahead and invite a few other people to dinner, but I don't want my step-dad to try to pay for everyones dinner like he's done before! Another stupid thing, I do not want to be sung to on my birthday like they do at restaurants. My family and I have an agreement on that. I don't do that to them, they won't do that to me! But my friend here, is the kind of person who will do it anyway. Gosh this reminds me of High school drama!


So here's my options so far:
  1. Invite her just to dinner-she will have to drive approx 1hr by herself, may find out she wasn't invited to other plans, either when she shows up or when she tries to see who she can catch a ride with. Plus risk her disregarding my feelings on the whole restaurant birthday singing thing!
  2. Invite a few other friends to come to dinner, be sure they won't let my step-dad try to pay for everything. This will make my BD a much bigger event than I wanted. Still risk being sung to at the restaurant and just being made a spectacle!
  3. Don't reply to her e-mail, lie and say I never got it if she asks, which she will. I thing that would be an awful thing to do.
  4. Just tell her the truth, which is that I just want to celebrate with my husband and family. My best friend has been celebrating holidays with us for years and is considered part of the family now. We have a lot of history together.
OK so what do I do!?! I need your honest advice on this one. If anyone has any other suggestions, please feel free to add them. I want to be a good friend, but but but but but but!
 

cata_mint

TCS Member
Super Cat
Joined
Jun 7, 2006
Messages
979
Purraise
2
Location
Maybe its because I'm a...
I'd go with 4 then arrange to see a movie or similar a couple of days later with a group of friends she knows a little bit, and try to encourage some friendships.
 

babyharley

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Aug 17, 2005
Messages
25,708
Purraise
2
Location
Minnesota
Honestly... since you do claim to be a private person, I'd go with #4. Tell her that your planning on a private party with your family & hubby. But why not tell her that you & her can go to lunch next week to celebrate your bday?
 

rockcat

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Nov 6, 2002
Messages
6,665
Purraise
18
Location
The Spacecoast
email her back something like... "I am so very sorry, but my family has made special plans my birthady. I would love to celebrate twice though! Want to go to the movies Saturday? I'll buy the popcorn."
 

rone

TCS Member
Adult Cat
Joined
Jun 4, 2007
Messages
259
Purraise
1
Location
Earth
I'd pick #4. It is your b-day after all & she should respect that you wish to celebrate privately. I'd also pick a day to celebrate b-day again with her & some friends.
 

katz4life

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jul 24, 2007
Messages
3,667
Purraise
2
My family & I always do something special for my bday too. (my bday is today, 9/13)

Its your birthday! You can have two celebrations
We agree with Rockcat, tell her you are having a special bday with family & you can do another celebration with her...you can still have your special day but spend time with her too. She should understand...

Happy Early Birthday!!
 

natalie_ca

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jul 2, 2006
Messages
21,136
Purraise
223
Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
I'd just nicely let her know that tomorrow is a family celebration and suggest to her that you get together over the weekend for something fun to do.
 

sofiecusion

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 20, 2003
Messages
1,756
Purraise
4
Location
Wisconsin
Happy Birthday Katz4life!


I too would opt for #4 and offer to do something with her and say something like "we should go to the movies/out to eat/ shopping sometime soon".
 

epona

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jul 24, 2006
Messages
4,663
Purraise
949
Location
London, England
Tell her that it's a family celebration of your birthday, and invite her out another time. Most people I know who have good relationships with their parents have a family only thing and a separate friends thing for their birthdays. Sometimes you want that quality time with your mum, there's nothing wrong with that and your friend will surely understand that if you explain it to her
 

goldenkitty45

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Aug 29, 2005
Messages
19,900
Purraise
44
Location
SW Minnesota
I'd just tell her that you had plans and that when you return, you will call her and go to a movie, lunch, etc. Leave it at that.
 

rockcat

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Nov 6, 2002
Messages
6,665
Purraise
18
Location
The Spacecoast
Originally Posted by Katz4Life

My family & I always do something special for my bday too. (my bday is today, 9/13)

Its your birthday! You can have two celebrations
We agree with Rockcat, tell her you are having a special bday with family & you can do another celebration with her...you can still have your special day but spend time with her too. She should understand...

Happy Early Birthday!!
Happy Birthday!
 

clixpix

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Dec 9, 2004
Messages
14,540
Purraise
2
Well, I think it is unanimous.
Number 4 is the honest answer. Like others have said, offer to make alternate plans with her. She can either accept graciously or choose to be hurt by it. That's her choice though.
 

gingersmom

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
May 11, 2006
Messages
8,028
Purraise
22
Stick with the truth, plain and simple. If she can't handle that, she is not really a friend.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #15

MoochNNoodles

TCS Member
Thread starter
Veteran
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
36,646
Purraise
23,468
Location
Where my cats are
Originally Posted by Katz4Life

My family & I always do something special for my bday too. (my bday is today, 9/13)
Happy Birthday!!!



I think I will go with #4. I'll have to see what I can come up with to do with her sometime soon. And thank you for not making me feel like an awful person for not wanting to include her in these birthday plans!
 

kiwideus

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Jul 4, 2002
Messages
13,901
Purraise
12
Location
Aotearoa
I like Rockcat's suggestion that you have already planned something with your family but would love to have a second celebration. Just be honest.
 

pami

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Jun 16, 2006
Messages
17,482
Purraise
17
Location
Birmingham
Originally Posted by Rockcat

email her back something like... "I am so very sorry, but my family has made special plans my birthady. I would love to celebrate twice though! Want to go to the movies Saturday? I'll buy the popcorn."
This is perfect!

Happy Birthday!
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #19

MoochNNoodles

TCS Member
Thread starter
Veteran
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
36,646
Purraise
23,468
Location
Where my cats are
I just got a reply back from her an it was her typical sarcastic reply, but I think it will be ok. I do need to plan something with her soon though. I'll have to see what I can come up with!
 

capt_jordi

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jul 31, 2007
Messages
2,777
Purraise
13
Location
Knoxville, TN
Hopefully she will understand, and yea do a movie night or something fun like that with her or a group!

Where are you going to dinner in O.C.? I LOVE going up there! I just found out tonight we might be staying 2 weeks this year! *does a happy dance*
Hope you have a blast on your BDay! Enjoy the Gem Show!
 
Top