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Friend inviting herself along.....how to handle it?

post #1 of 20
Thread Starter 
I don't think I normally post things like this, but I need a bit of advice. My Birthday is tomorrow and I just got an e-mail from a casual friend about my plans and can she come.

Well every year my Mother and one of my long time best friends go to a gem show in Ocean City Maryland. It always falls right around my birthday so it usually is part of my celebration. DH works tomorrow and typically works late, so this year Mom, my best friend and I are planning to celebrate at the show on Saturday, and then meet DH, my Step-dad and step-siblings for dinner at the beach.

I'm typically a very private person and I honestly like that this annual event is just the 3 of us (or sometimes my Mom's god-daughter will come, but I've known her since she was tiny so she's like family too).

This friend who wants to be in on any plans and I have known each other about 5 years now, but it's just recently that she's started to call me a lot looking for something to do. She and her husband just separated and she's lonely. I completely understand and sympathize with her for that, but this is a special thing. Am I being just awful for not wanting her to come?

I don't want to lie but I don't know how to handle it. I don't like people asking themselves into plans like that period. I'd never do that myself. I guess I could just tell her about diner and see if she wants to come, but then she'd find out that my Mom, best friend, and I spent the day together and didn't invite her. She is a nice person, but can be a bit much, if that makes sense. I mean I'm not even inviting any other friends, even though I have a few people I consider much closer to me than her. I guess I could go ahead and invite a few other people to dinner, but I don't want my step-dad to try to pay for everyones dinner like he's done before! Another stupid thing, I do not want to be sung to on my birthday like they do at restaurants. My family and I have an agreement on that. I don't do that to them, they won't do that to me! But my friend here, is the kind of person who will do it anyway. Gosh this reminds me of High school drama!

So here's my options so far:
  1. Invite her just to dinner-she will have to drive approx 1hr by herself, may find out she wasn't invited to other plans, either when she shows up or when she tries to see who she can catch a ride with. Plus risk her disregarding my feelings on the whole restaurant birthday singing thing!
  2. Invite a few other friends to come to dinner, be sure they won't let my step-dad try to pay for everything. This will make my BD a much bigger event than I wanted. Still risk being sung to at the restaurant and just being made a spectacle!
  3. Don't reply to her e-mail, lie and say I never got it if she asks, which she will. I thing that would be an awful thing to do.
  4. Just tell her the truth, which is that I just want to celebrate with my husband and family. My best friend has been celebrating holidays with us for years and is considered part of the family now. We have a lot of history together.
OK so what do I do!?! I need your honest advice on this one. If anyone has any other suggestions, please feel free to add them. I want to be a good friend, but but but but but but!
post #2 of 20
I'd go with 4 then arrange to see a movie or similar a couple of days later with a group of friends she knows a little bit, and try to encourage some friendships.
post #3 of 20
Honestly... since you do claim to be a private person, I'd go with #4. Tell her that your planning on a private party with your family & hubby. But why not tell her that you & her can go to lunch next week to celebrate your bday?
post #4 of 20
email her back something like... "I am so very sorry, but my family has made special plans my birthady. I would love to celebrate twice though! Want to go to the movies Saturday? I'll buy the popcorn."
post #5 of 20
I'd pick #4. It is your b-day after all & she should respect that you wish to celebrate privately. I'd also pick a day to celebrate b-day again with her & some friends.
post #6 of 20
My family & I always do something special for my bday too. (my bday is today, 9/13)

Its your birthday! You can have two celebrations We agree with Rockcat, tell her you are having a special bday with family & you can do another celebration with her...you can still have your special day but spend time with her too. She should understand...

Happy Early Birthday!!
post #7 of 20
I'd just nicely let her know that tomorrow is a family celebration and suggest to her that you get together over the weekend for something fun to do.
post #8 of 20
Happy Birthday Katz4life!


I too would opt for #4 and offer to do something with her and say something like "we should go to the movies/out to eat/ shopping sometime soon".
post #9 of 20
Tell her that it's a family celebration of your birthday, and invite her out another time. Most people I know who have good relationships with their parents have a family only thing and a separate friends thing for their birthdays. Sometimes you want that quality time with your mum, there's nothing wrong with that and your friend will surely understand that if you explain it to her
post #10 of 20
I'd just tell her that you had plans and that when you return, you will call her and go to a movie, lunch, etc. Leave it at that.
post #11 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katz4Life View Post
My family & I always do something special for my bday too. (my bday is today, 9/13)

Its your birthday! You can have two celebrations We agree with Rockcat, tell her you are having a special bday with family & you can do another celebration with her...you can still have your special day but spend time with her too. She should understand...

Happy Early Birthday!!
Happy Birthday!
post #12 of 20
Well, I think it is unanimous. Number 4 is the honest answer. Like others have said, offer to make alternate plans with her. She can either accept graciously or choose to be hurt by it. That's her choice though.
post #13 of 20
Stick with the truth, plain and simple. If she can't handle that, she is not really a friend.
post #14 of 20
Yup, another vote for number 4.

And Happy Birthday!!
post #15 of 20
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katz4Life View Post
My family & I always do something special for my bday too. (my bday is today, 9/13)
Happy Birthday!!!


I think I will go with #4. I'll have to see what I can come up with to do with her sometime soon. And thank you for not making me feel like an awful person for not wanting to include her in these birthday plans!
post #16 of 20
I like Rockcat's suggestion that you have already planned something with your family but would love to have a second celebration. Just be honest.
post #17 of 20
Rockcat put it perfectly!
post #18 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockcat View Post
email her back something like... "I am so very sorry, but my family has made special plans my birthady. I would love to celebrate twice though! Want to go to the movies Saturday? I'll buy the popcorn."
This is perfect!

Happy Birthday!
post #19 of 20
Thread Starter 
I just got a reply back from her an it was her typical sarcastic reply, but I think it will be ok. I do need to plan something with her soon though. I'll have to see what I can come up with!
post #20 of 20
Hopefully she will understand, and yea do a movie night or something fun like that with her or a group!

Where are you going to dinner in O.C.? I LOVE going up there! I just found out tonight we might be staying 2 weeks this year! *does a happy dance*
Hope you have a blast on your BDay! Enjoy the Gem Show!
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