Am I Being Unreasonable w/ My Daughter? (long & sordid)

Several months ago, my daughter (here-after known as dd) broke up with her boyfriend after he had a tantrum because she couldn't go to a party with him. (dh, dd, and I all agreed on her not going to the party) From what she told me, he called me a 'dirty b*tch" to anyone that would listen while they were at a high school soccer game. He also told her he has to hit something when he's angry, and that he didn't understand why calling me names was so bad. (he's a real prince)

Fast forward to last week. DD told me she had asked the prince to her homecoming dance--"is that ok with you, Mom?" I was stunned, and told her I couldn't talk about it then. We finally sat down for a discussion; she wants me to talk to him so he can apologize--even tho' he says he still doesn't see what he did wrong. Apparently, he would do it to make her happy. (ok, score one point for him) I, on the other hand, have no desire to talk to him and have refused. She was told before she broke up with him in May that if she continued to see him, her time would be limited. I don't trust anyone that says he "has to hit something" when he doesn't get his way. The rules, for now, are she can go out with him once a week, talk to him several times a week, plus she sees him at their mutual work-place several times a week. Also, her curfew will be 1 hour earlier when she's out with him. My dh and I agree that he isn't welcome in our home at the moment. The 'prince' can pick our dd up at the front door.

My dd is upset that I won't sit down and talk to him. I've told her since she was little that I will not lie to her, so when she asked me what I don't like about him--I told her. He's lazy, disrespectful, immature, controlling, and as far as I'm concerned potentially dangerous. The odd thing is---she agreed with me!!! But she likes him. I've told her that if she can follow the rules for the time being, and there are no more tantrums, her Dad and I will ease the restrictions.

Unfortunately, I was a bad- 18 year old myself many years ago, and I know how much sneaking and lying a girl will do to be with a boy she likes. Until she started going out with 'the prince' again, I trusted her to tell me the truth about just about everything. We were very open with each other. Now, I don't trust half of what she says, and I absolutely hate feeling this way. I know I can't tell her she can't see him, but as long as her Dad and I are paying most of her bills we feel we still have a lot of say in what she does and who she does it with.

So, am I being unreasonable not to accept an insincere apology? I have a feeling I would get so upset I'd say things that wouldn't be at all lady-like. DD is upset because she knows I don't care for the guy, and apparently she actually wants my approval (score one point for dd). Unfortunatley, my approval isn't going to be given. DH says to just ride it out, that dd will break up with him again. I'm not so sure. I also wonder if I'm so upset about this because it seems as if dd has chosen 'the prince' over me? (take that, you amateur psychologists!) I'd love to get some insight from people who aren't directly involved.

I wouldn't let him anywhere near her if he has to 'hit something' whenever he got mad. Sounds like he still needs to grow up and learn some manners! He needs to start acting like a gentleman and not backstabbing your DD with gossip to his friends. He doesn't sound like a good guy to be around and most certainly not safe with his anger issues.

No you are not being a "mean Mom".

Trust me in five years she'll thank you for it.

Well we can see your point about the boyfriend, he has some issues!

You could sit down with both of them & have a long talk about everything. Tell the BF what you feel about him & why you won't except his apology because you know its not going to be sincere. Tell your daughter you want her to be happy but she doesn't seem her happiest with him. All you want is your daughter to be happy, but in a healthy relationship as well. "The Prince" has not shown to be a proper boyfriend so of course you don't trust him. We can see why. Until he shows diginity & respect for your daughter, he doesn't deserve her... If he doesn't change his ways, then you don't change how you feel about him.

No matter what you will always be her mom, but he won't always be her boyfriend...

Originally Posted by lookingglass

No you are not being a "mean Mom".

Trust me in five years she'll thank you for it.

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i probably would be the 'mean mom' - i likely wouldn't let her see him at all, at least officially.
never have had to deal with that situation, tho.

I don't know how old your daughter is, but obviously she's old enough to date.

She wants to see the guy and you trying to forbit or limit it is just going to cause her to start sneaking around and lying to you.

All you can pretty much hope is that she uses safer sex IE: condoms, knows about the dangers of drugs and alcohol, and hope that she is a responsible young woman that will in time, eventually come to her senses on her own.

Stand your ground, Mom, and don't budge an INCH.

He sounds like an abuser and a manipulator, and I think your instincts are spot-on!

Don't try to be your daughter's friend, be her MOM and take the unpopular position. Being a "mean mom" is sometimes the right thing to do. I speak from experience.

I am kind of in a simular situation, my daughter has a BAD crush on a boy at school, He think it's funny to call her names in the hallway at school when he's mad, he has thrown things at her,nasty e-mails, put downs insults, he is just terribly abusive, he comes from a family with a long line of abusive behaviour and alcholism, I refuse to allow her to go out with him. She thinks my husband and I are horrible mean parents, my husband asked her, have you ever seen me treat your mother like that? No that is because it is unacceptable, she doesn't get it she likes him , guess I'm a mean mother too

I honestly don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

There's no reason for you sit and talk and listen to him apologize when you already know there is no sincerity to it.

I think she will eventually realize this guy is not good for her. Seems to be just a phase/fascination and then I do agree that she will thank you for it.

I think your actually being pretty nice by allowing her to see him at all considering the "wonderful" things he had to say about you for absoloutely no good reason.

I guess my only advice would be is to voice your concerns to your daughter, which it sounds like you've done already...

and like your husband said, just ride it out as long as it doesn't get worse.

Yuor daughter has enough friends, she needs a mother. It sounds to me like she has a great one. IMO Stand your ground and be there for her when Mr. Wonderful screws up again.

I don't know how old your daughter is, but obviously she's old enough to date.

She wants to see the guy and you trying to forbit or limit it is just going to cause her to start sneaking around and lying to you.

All you can pretty much hope is that she uses safer sex IE: condoms, knows about the dangers of drugs and alcohol, and hope that she is a responsible young woman that will in time, eventually come to her senses on her own.
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My dd just turned 18, which is why I'm not 'forbidding' the dating. I had a boyfriend my parents hated when I was her aga, and was forbidden to see him. I think that over a 6 month period there were only 2 days we didn't see each other! (maybe that's why I'm so worried about this situation) I'm also positive dd hasn't had sex yet. She is very aware of the dangers of drugs and alcohol (she lost a friend to an od just last month). All in all, I'd say she is pretty level-headed---except when it comes to this boy.
For the most part, so far, he has actually treated very well, even giving her roses on their month anniversaries in the past. But, he has shown himself to be selfish and immature and controlling; apparently, the boy isn't used to being told "no".

Until he shows diginity & respect for your daughter, he doesn't deserve her..

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Right. Back when he threw his tantrum, dd told him how upset it made her that he'd talked about me that way. For some reason, he thought that was pretty funny and told her he talks about his own Mom like that all the time!

Thanks for the support, guys. I know I'm right about this, I just needed to hear it from people who weren't personally involved.

Ok your daughter NEEDS to know about the warning signs of abuse NOW - physical and emotional/verbal. Please look both up on the net and have her sit down and read it and then have a talk about what it says.

Ask her how many of those signs she has seen in him. He has the potential to be both verbal and physical abuser.

There is NO excuses. Hopefully after reading and talking about this she would be wise enough to stay away from him.

I agree that your daughter needs to know the warning signs of abuse and that you have to protect her, but, to some extent you do also have to be her friend, because regardless of what you say (like you did at 18) she will still see him and if there ever comes a time that she needs help getting out of that relationship, she may need to turn to you for help, which she may not / will not do if expecting you to say I told you so etc.

I know I'm repeating what some others have said, but I just want to say that you are her MOM, not her best friend. You can be her MOM and still have good communication.

Our daughter is 27 and I've been through some of this. She has always felt comfortable coming to us with anything (and I do mean anything). She recently had a male friend that we did not like. She knew we didn't like him and kept asking for him to come visit (he lived in the US). We told her she was old enough to make up her own mind about who she dated, but that we did not like this boy, did not think he was suitable for her and that we did not welcome him in our house. She of course had her girlfriend to complain to but we held firm. She finally woke up and realized we were right and broke it off herself with no pushing from us. We simply just refused to have him in our home.

I think if you allow him to make a false apology, you are doing all 3 of you a disservice. They will lose respect for you and you will lose it for yourself.

Stand firm - let her know you are there for her when and if this relationship fails, but want no part in contributing to it.

What you have to be careful about is if your disapproval of this guy makes him more appealing to your daughter. Teens and young adults naturally want to do things that their parents don't approve of, and see people their parents don't like. And lots of girls and women are drawn to bad boys!

I think all the rules you have in place are great. They are showing your daughter that you don't approve of his behavior yet you are giving her some power to make her own decisions if she wants to see him. (Which she would do anyway, like you said.)

You want to make this boy the bad guy, and you the good guy. I believe you should meet with him and hear his false apology. Be civil. If you aren't (or if you don't meet with him for this) then they have something that brings them together: talking about how unfair you are. If your daughter hears how insincere his apology is, and you are being kind to him, she won't like that about him, and it might even start an argument between them.

I would stick to the rules, and make her follow them, and be decent to the guy to his face. Then neither of them can complain that you are mean or rude, and hopefully she'll start seeing his true colors. She's got to come to the decision not to see him for herself. Parents' disapproval could be bringing them together.

Anyway, without possibly knowing the full situation and your relationships, I recommend watching out for that. I wish you lots of luck!

p.s. You don't have to accept the apology!

Yes, I was thinking the same thing as SW -- go ahead and let him "apologize," and yes, be civil. Speak quietly and calmly, and don't interrupt him. Listen to what he has to say, and then ask him some pertinent questions. You might try some of these:

Q: "I understand you like to say vile things about your own mother, too. What makes it all right for you to do that?"

Q: "Is there anyone in your life that you respect?"

Q: "You say you 'have to hit something' when you're angry. Are you really not capable of controlling your own actions?"

Q: "What do you think that kind of behavior says about your maturity level?"

Q: "Exactly what do you think will happen to you if you ever raise your hand to my daughter?"

If you can put him on the spot while remaining perfectly calm yourself, I think he'll end up looking like the arrogant little punk he is, and maybe your daughter will lose interest.

My dad always made it a point to sharpen his fishing filet knives whenver I had a "suitor" over. Maybe a indirect threat to get the point across if he ever gets to step into the house again?

But in all seriousness...she's 18, and while she is still living under your roof, I think you're handling things as best as you can. Push her too much, and she very well could see him just because you don't like him. Just pray/hope that she realizes what this guy is all about before she's in too deep.

: "Exactly what do you think will happen to you if you ever raise your hand to my daughter?"

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I don't think he could run far or fast enough.

So now you can see why I'm conflicted about talking to the guy; the answers I've received here are divided and state good reasons for their opinion.

[QUOTE we did not like this boy, did not think he was suitable for her and that we did not welcome him in our house[/quote]

Those are my feelings exactly. Before the fool had his little tantrum, I actually liked him (for the most part). I was always friendly when he came to pick her up. I have no clue as to why he decided that I was the root of all dd's troubles. Yes, her Dad and I are strict, but we're raising her the way we feel is best and that's what matters. You wouldn't believe how many parents of other girls make a point of telling us what a good kid she is. I guess that pretty much says it all, huh?

The one thing that is really bothering me about this whole situation is the fact that dd is going to the homecoming dance with this guy. I've told her it's her choice, but I don't want any part of it (I feel that would be giving my approval, and I can't do that). Unfortunately, it's her senior year and I want to be involved so badly! I'm sure there will be parties afterwards, too, but since her curfew is earlier when she's out with him she won't be able to go to them.
This is one of those "it's-hard-to-be-a-parent-sometimes" moments. UGH!

If she's 18 I really don't think you have much say in the matter. She's an adult, she needs to make her own decisions. I think if you were to put your foot down and try to forbid thier relationship she would sneak off or run away to be with him. Personally if she were my daughter I wouldnt forbid him from coming into my home, I would want them there, so I could keep an eye on them and make sure that nothing bad was going on.

Originally Posted by ClaireBear

If she's 18 I really don't think you have much say in the matter. She's an adult, she needs to make her own decisions. I think if you were to put your foot down and try to forbid thier relationship she would sneak off or run away to be with him. Personally if she were my daughter I wouldnt forbid him from coming into my home, I would want them there, so I could keep an eye on them and make sure that nothing bad was going on.

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She will make her own decisions but if mom/dad don't sanction her decisions, IMO she should be made aware. I don't want anyone in my house that I don't approve of and it's MY house. We told our daughter that if her friend came to visit she would have to make her own arrangements as to where he stayed but it wasn't going to be our house. She didn't like it, but she respected our wishes.

As for having them in the house to keep an eye on them, don't believe for a minute that if they want to do ANYTHING out of parents' sight, they'll find a way.

The only thing we can do with our children is teach them right from wrong, good morals and values and then sit back, be willing to listen and pray a lot.

As my father used to say - where there's a will there's a way and that was for both good and bad behaviour.

It sounds as though you have a pretty grounded daughter except in this one area which indicates to me that she will see through this fellow sooner or later. I also think by your post that she knows that even though you don't want him in the house that you'll always be there for her.

Again, if it were me - I'd stick to my decision of not having him in my home.