Family & $$$...it's a mess!

Mom & dad bought a single house 2 yrs ago. The plan was to sell the 2-flat they own & move in once dad retires. Things came up & they had to take care of them. By the time they're ready to sell the house the market is so slow that there are many lookers but not many offers. All the offers they received were way below the purchasing price.

They're strapped for cash now because the mortgage payment is 3 grand, 1/3 of it being home equity loan. My sis convinced them to take out a home equity loan so she can put part of it as downpayment for the new condo, and the rest went into stripping the carpet & put hardwood floor, track lighting...etc, & probably some new furnitures too.

DH had dinner with her (I was out of town) & was told mom & dad were hurt that I didn't even help out with their money situation while she & our little bro have been giving them money. I'm sorry- if our parents helped her with downpayment, shouldn't she pay that back? Right now she gives them $350 a month, but the payment for home equity loan is 1K/mo. If I contribute, am I not paying the home equity loan for her??? Both sis & bro were big time freeloaders when living @ home. After bro graduate from college, he lives at home with a PT job for 4 yrs. He gets to drive a car for free, didn't have to pay rent nor food, not even wash/gas up the car! And this is our parents' fault because they let him!!! Sis on the other hand, not as bad but she often swallowed more than she can chew. So many times she asked dad to pay for her credit card debt. He co-signed the credit card so she has excellent credit by the time she bought the condo. She recently brags to me that she goes grocery shopping once a month- not because she's lazy nor has a busy schedule but because our parents give her food once a week.

DH & I put all our savings as downpayment for our house. Few months later we ran into some unexpected problems right before our honeymoon so I asked dad for help. When we came back from our honeymoon that night I got a call from him:

Dad: How was the trip?
Me: Telling him about our trip.
Dad: Now that you're back from the honeymoon, it's time to pay me back.

Needless to say I never ask him for money again. I'm sure soon they will ask me for help. As much as I want to help them, in reality I'll be helping sis paying for her debt. I think the best way is to offer to pay for their electric and/or phone bill. That way I'm still helping, just not in the cash form. Any advice?

Ive been in a similar situation here lately...and I totally agree with you...The electric water and phone bill are all good ideas also if they have trash pick up maybe tv or credit cards that you could pay the payment on...If you mail in a check make out the check in the company's name that the bill is due in that way they cant use it on your sis's debt

Another thing that bothers me is my parents (esp. mom) think that since I'm married & should contribute double because 'we have more money'. She assumed I have control of DH's money as well & I should be able to sneak money monthly without letting him know. How is that fair to him? She doesn't seem to grasp this concept, even when I explained to her over and over again. It's frustrating!

Originally Posted by Rone

Another thing that bothers me is my parents (esp. mom) think that since I'm married & should contribute double because 'we have more money'. She assumed I have control of DH's money as well & I should be able to sneak money monthly without letting him know. How is that fair to him? She doesn't seem to grasp this concept, even when I explained to her over and over again. It's frustrating!

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she sounds like one HELL of a freeloader!!!

Who does SHE think she is, telling YOU that YOU and DH should pay DOUBLE so her sorry butt doesnt have to. FORGET IT. SHe needs to pay her share, and grow UP.

As for helping the parents, i think paying a bill DIRECTLY for them is a great idea. that way in no way, shape or form are you helping the sister.

Sounds like you should sit down and talk to your Mom and Dad and your sister to find out why they believe you should be paying off your sister's debt.
Unless your parents are doing without the basics (food, medicine, heat, water, etc.) I would not allow them to make me feel obligated to help, if you want to and can afford it, then by all means do.

Since it is your sister who owes them the money, maybe she or her spouse could take on a second job in order to pay the entire monthly payment of $1,000.00?

Yes, I would definitely sit down and talk with them about what they currently expect and what they actually should expect.

It is not your responsibility to support the whole family just because you're married. The fact that your mother actually wants you to go behind your husband's back is simply horrifying to me! You left your nuclear family to start your own family with your husband. IMO it's time to cut the apron strings.

If you have the means and want to extend the help, then by all means do so. But you need to let them know that it is because you want to, not because you are actually obligated to do so. I definitely agree, though, with either directly paying bills for them, or sending them checks made out to the service providers.

Originally Posted by lakeriedog

Sounds like you should sit down and talk to your Mom and Dad and your sister to find out why they believe you should be paying off your sister's debt.
Unless your parents are doing without the basics (food, medicine, heat, water, etc.) I would not allow them to make me feel obligated to help, if you want to and can afford it, then by all means do.

Since it is your sister who owes them the money, maybe she or her spouse could take on a second job in order to pay the entire monthly payment of $1,000.00?

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Exactly what I was thinking..

Originally Posted by lakeriedog

Sounds like you should sit down and talk to your Mom and Dad and your sister to find out why they believe you should be paying off your sister's debt.

Since it is your sister who owes them the money, maybe she or her spouse could take on a second job in order to pay the entire monthly payment of $1,000.00?

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She already has a second job (PT) and that's where her $350 is coming from. I can tell you what will happen once we all sit & talk- our parents will tell me that unlike me who has a husband to help, sis is single & buying a place on her own, it's impossible for them to not lend a hand. And they will proceed to say that since I'm the eldest kid in the family, I should pitch in no matter what. How do I know? Because that's what they always said no matter what the situation is.

I'm going to wait for them to approach me instead of take the initiative & offer. It'll look bad, but I have a BIG problem paying for sis' mortgage when she can barely make the mo. payment.

If you pay some of their utilities, you will free up some money that your parents may use to give to your sis. Just a thought.