Alcoholic Partner

I don't have many friends because my life doesn't allow me to, so I have to let this all out here, my only social network. Sorry it's so long.

The title gives you the gist of my story....

My partner and I have been together for nearly four years, we have a two year old son. He has always drank alot but said he would cut down when I got pregnant. He didn't. He also said he would keep it to weekends when our son was asleep, but he didn't do that either. Things have got worse in the last nine months, and the police and social services have been involved.

He isn't the sort of alcoholic that drinks everyday, maybe 2 or 3 times a week. But when he does drink, he cannot stop. He will drink until he passes out or until there is no money left for more, or even until it has gotten so late that he cannot buy any from near by. The most he has had in one night is 18cans of lager, half a bottle of wine and a large bottle of WKD (Vodka alcopop)

Social Services have closed all three referals that have come their way after meeting with me.

The first referal was because my partner was found drunk and in charge of my child. I try not to let my partner be alone with him, and on this particular day I was suposed to meet him after I had finished work. His brother and sister had been with the two of them all day playing football in the field. They knew he had alcohol and money on him but left to go home before he met me. He disappeared. I spent 3 hours out in my car looking for him and my son, going to usual pubs. My mum and dad also went out in their cars, and so did his mum. My dad followed a police car and found Andy (my partner) unconcious on the floor with my son in the pushchair next to him. A concerned member of the public had called the police and ambulance. Jacob was luckily okay, but when Andy woke up he was arrested. I got there soon after my dad. I threw him out after this incedent, but his cow of a mother sent all his stuff back up to my house 3 days later saying I was being cruel and that Andy promised to change. (None of his family believed how bad he had goten, and his mum has never accepted me) She was telling me it was HIS home - despite the fact that it is all in my name. Me and her had a HUGE row, about how she doesn't understand but she kept saying I was overreacting.

The second referal was when Andy slit his wrists. The police got mixed up relaying the story and ended up saying that Jacob saw it all but he hadn't because we were going to stay at my mums because Andy was drunk, and I came up to my house to get some stuff with her, leaving Jacob with my Dad.

The third referal was when I called the police because he was harassing me, and pounding on my front door. I never let him in but the police let social services know anyway.

Since the first incident, my mum has taken care of Jacob while I have been at work on a Sunday, and I am in the process of changing my hours at work. (Andy works the same weekdays that I do but doesn't work weekends) His family still don't understand and call me a liar. I just think they don't want to admit that he is as bad as he is. (Andys dad was an alcoholic and his mum let it go on or 16years, which hasn't helped Andy. He died in 2002.)

I am scared that something else will happen. He has moved out now but keeps trying to guilt me into having him back again. I finding it really hard. He is the nicest, most loving guy in the world when he hasn't had a drink, and he doesn't drink everyday.

First, your husband is in serious need of help, probably in-patient, and the only way it's going to happen is if you keep him out of your life until he gets his life together. I know how hard it is for you, but letting him come home and be with you will be enabling him to continue his behavior.

He is endangering your son, and from your first paragraph about not having any friends or support, it sounds like he's emotionally abusive to you as well, meaning he doesn't let you have friends.

And, I'm so proud of you for getting you and your son away from him! Maybe someday he will be stable enough to be a part of your son's life again, but that time isn't anywhere in the near future. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through, it's so difficult to love someone who is addicted and depressed.

I suffer really bad with panic attacks, which isn't suprising, and find social situations very difficult. I have been like this before we got together.

He is abusive, and cruel to me. Make me feel like dog poop.

He is seeing an alcohol councellor that the police signed him up to months ago, but he only had his second appointment last week because it took so long to move up the waiting list.

I am so sad and depressed

Aw, I feel so bad for you. It's really not very helpful that his mom is enabling him. But I am also glad that he's not watching your son when you're not there anymore. That's good news.

Originally Posted by sadieandziggy

I suffer really bad with panic attacks, which isn't suprising, and find social situations very difficult. I have been like this before we got together.

He is abusive, and cruel to me. Make me feel like dog poop.

He is seeing an alcohol councellor that the police signed him up to months ago, but he only had his second appointment last week because it took so long to move up the waiting list.

I am so sad and depressed

Click to expand...

Did you have social anxiety problems before you met your husband, or did they start since? There are pretty succesful ways to treat this, if you want to, and your life could be very different if you gave yourself an little time and space to heal from the damage your husband has done.

You've gotten to the point of kicking him out, so you must have realized you don't deserve his treatment and neither does your son. Start thinking of your relationship in the past tense. He was abusive and cruel, but you don't have to let him be any more.

And being sad and depressed is a natural reaction to what you've been through and the recent changes. But it will pass, if you keep him from continuing to abuse you. It isn't your fault, but it is your life, and you don't want to waste it being dragged down by your husband, right? Spend happy time with your son, do the things you couldn't when your husband was around.

Your son needs you right now, and needs you to provide him with the kind of environment he deserves.

You've done the right thing! The only thing you can do to help your husband now is refuse to have him in your life until he's gone through treatment and stayed sober for at least six months. Don't let him or his family intimidate you into anything less.

I don't know how the laws work where you are, but you may need legal protection to keep him from harrassing you or -- heaven forbid -- taking Andy from your mom, or from a babysitter or daycare center. Certainly you need to make your home as secure as you possibly can, change the locks, put in an alarm, whatever you can do. You might think that isn't necessary against a man who, when sober, is such a good guy... but you can't be sure how far he might go once he really understands that you are not letting him back into the house.

I know it's hard to stay resolute in the face of his pleas, but you've got to, for all your sakes. Will the police or family service people help get him into a treatment program? And is there anyone in his life who would support the treatment effort, who could serve as an avenue of communication for you? It would be good if you could avoid speaking to him for awhile, until the treatment takes hold.

You must be so frightened -- but you're obviously a smart, strong person, and you're doing the right things. And once you get the situation under control, I know you'll soon build a network of real-life friends, too.

First off, you're being incredibly strong to not only kick him out but to keep him out. My aunt was in a similar situation; alcohol killed her husband and has nearly killed her by having to live with his addiction so the sooner you are out the better.

While they are in the thick of it, alcoholics are unbelievably selfish and obviously his mother is blind. She doesn't want to believe that it could be her darling son at fault here.

Stay strong for the sake of both yourself and your son. We're here for you.

I cant offer advice, as I have not been in your situation, Please stay safe with your child, If it gets bad go to one of these, they can help and have people who understand you completely.

It doesnt mater if its physical or emotional, if you feel unsafe, or your child is put in a bad situation you must leave completely, even if you dont go to one of these to stay, I am sure they can offer you great advice.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/azrefuge...60002&ref=8085

http://www.exeterwomensaid.org.uk/

heres one for your pets http://www.refuge.org.uk/page_l1-2_l2-2456_.htm

My social anxiety was before hand... I had some really rough teenage years.

I paid the deposit on a bedsit for him as he had nowhere else to go.

He has been on anti-depressants for 9 months now, and I have been on them for over a year to help with my anxiety.

My mum takes him to his councelling and to the doctors to make sure he goes because he has always been dependent on me to taxi him around and be behind him to do things like make doctors appointments. I felt like I had two children!!

I'm only 21 and have minimal life experience. And everything seems to have hit me at once. (several illnesses in the family too) I'm really struggling to keep face.

Hang in there. You've shown incredible strength for your son and yourself by taking the steps you have so far. It's sometimes really hard when you're in the middle of it to see how far you've come.

If you have an Al-Anon group near you, I strongly recommend you attend a meeting or two. They were very helpful to me in getting out of and getting over my relationship with an addict. At a minimum, it will give you some social contacts with people who know what you're going through.

Unless a person admits to being an alcoholic and wanting to change, they never will. I lived with a closet alcoholic and abuser for 17 yrs (before my divorce). While he was not as bad with the drinking as your partner, he did his share of drinking a case of beer in 1-2 days and sometimes passing out.

Not all alcoholics are abusers, but a lot of abusers also have an alcohol problem. You should kick him out and keep him out (especially with your child) no matter how he trys to get you back. His promises are worthless as you've found out. Since abuse is involve, you might seriously think of leaving the relationship period. Abuse is no reason to stay.

Many alcoholics will go into treatment, be sober a few months of getting out and then right back to the same old pattern.

And you should also go to the Al-anon (the one that Alcoholic Anonymous has for those also involved).

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/...rmation_aa.cfm

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

You need to get this guy out of your life, for both the safety and well being of your child and yourself. It doesn't matter how many days a week he drinks, it only takes one time to have something terrible happen. Don't let him or his family guilt trip you into taking him back. You know what goes on and how bad his drinking has become, it doesn't matter if his family believes you. Your the one that has to live with it. Your so young to be going through all this, and I say that because I too am 21 and couldn't imagine how I'd deal with it. Are you seeing a councelor or some sort of therapist? I think it would probably help you to have someone to talk to while you go through this, and to help give you the courage and strength to keep him out of your life.

I am the child of an alcoholic. My father's alcoholic behavior was not that bad while I was a child (it was worse as an adult); however, that does not mean it didn't hurt. Children do not understand that alcoholism isn't something you can control without help. I do remember wondering many times (even in my late teens) why my father loved booze more than me (because if he loved me more, then why wouldn't he stop drinking?).

My mother enabled him, and even managed to do so while not even living in our household. He's been sober for 4 years now, only because he ended up hitting rock bottom and my mother finally threw him out. My father and I have a good relationship now, but I still have anger.

You say he's trying to guilt you into taking him back. For god's sake, DO NOT let that happen. For one thing, it won't do him any good; he won't change because he got what he wanted without having to do anything different. Do not put you son in that situation. You will regret it. Alcoholics' promises are worth less than nothing. You husband will not change until he has hit rock bottom and lost everything. As a reminder, he is still an alcoholic when he's sober.

Somebody else posted links for Al-Anon. I highly urge you to go to a meeting. If you don't like the first meeting, try another group; they don't all "feel" the same. When your son is old enough, if this is still a problem, then have him go to Alateen (I'm pretty sure they are not just for teens, but you could see, at that time, if there are groups for children) so he can learn to understand his father's behavior and learn to cope with it in a healthy way.

I don't know what your living situation is, but, since he is abusive, can you move somewhere else and not tell him, for your own safety?

Also, please remember that his drinking is not your fault. Not in any way. Even if he tells you he drinks because of you, it's a lie, and not something you should ever even remotely consider as truth.

I wish you all the luck in this world. Stay strong and safe.

Tricia

Oh sweetie,I know exactly how desolate you must be feeling~Hugs~Please dont feel you are alone in this because your not,you have done the bravest thing and confided in us,whatever problems are going on in your life you can talk to any of us,we are all here to help even if its just an ear you need~hugs~,you can pm me anytime to talk

Stay strong sweetie!!!

Im sorry I dont have alot of advice to offer, but just know I am here if you ever want to talk.

Thanks so much guys, you are all great. I'll keep you updated on this thread. Now that I've talked about it, it's easier to next time. I always thought I would be judged.

Since I dealt with more abuse then alcohol, I highly recommend you get this book and read it (maybe out of Amazon.com). Abuse Survivors Speak Out - by Patricia Evans. It helped me realize what was going on and to get out. I'm sure it can help you too

I think I bought my partner a book by her, or it could have been one I bought myself. I will have a look. Thanks

So, I said I'd update you so hre goes:

My ex came round tonight to see our son. He hasn't had a drink for 10days which is quite an achievment for him. I know he hasn't had a drink because I've spoken to him everyday either on the phone or in person, and I know him so well that I can tell if he's even had ONE beer just by hearing his voice!!

So he keeps going on about how he knows he changing - and the problem is that I can see he is. I keep telling him that I don't want him to move back in or for us to start seeing each other again because I don't want him to get too 'comfy' and slip back into old ways. But I'm finding it really hard. I know that I will be finacially better off because I'm a single parent now so the government will help pay my childcare fees, and I should be entiltled to housing benefit (support with rent payment) even though I work nearly full-time and am very well paid. (I am not a scrounger, just claim what I am entitled to)

I hate 'waiting' for the next disappointment, or the next big event.

I am so depressed.

Don't "wait" for anything! Go on with your life, and begin to disengage from him... talk every other day, then twice a week... because he won't be well until he can be well by himself, y'know? Only then can he function as part of a healthy family.

And don't feel bad about that. What you're doing is the right thing for him, too. Don't lose heart, and don't give in after just ten days -- the process is nowhere near complete. Stand firm!