Alcoholic Partner

mbjerkness

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jun 18, 2007
Messages
7,583
Purraise
18
Location
In the middle of BC
Stay strong, I grew up with an alcoholic parent and so has my husband, 10 days isn't enough to make a permanent change, you think about you and you child right now.
take care of yourself
 

ricalynn

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Mar 23, 2004
Messages
1,611
Purraise
2
Location
The Banana Belt of MT
ITA w/Carol -- it's progress, and yes you should be pleased about that, but it is a long and difficult process to enact lasting change in his life. I think someone has previously suggested a minimum six months sobriety before you think about letting him back. That's a good starting point, but by no means should you put your life on hold until this happens -- people can change a lot in six months, and in that time you may have discovered that you are stronger than you ever thought, and may not want him back in your life. (not saying that's the case, but it's a possibility)

It is encouraging that he's done this well so far, but it's just the beginning of his journey -- don't halt his progress by giving in, no matter how much you may wish to.
 

gailuvscats

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jan 30, 2006
Messages
2,283
Purraise
34
Location
philadelphia
10 days is not enough. Don't give in, tell him he how pleased you are, but you need time to yourself. If he makes it to ten months, you give it another ten months and then you can get together.

You need counseling for yourself, because you are a codependent, as a result of your own deprived childhood. Please get counseling for yourself, or go to an alanon, or acoa group. they are free.
You need as much help as he does, and if he becomes sober, and you didn't deal with you issues, you are still going to have problems.
 

samantha1979

TCS Member
Super Cat
Joined
Apr 4, 2007
Messages
884
Purraise
1
Location
counting down until graduation!!
I haven't read all of the threads, so please forgive me if I repeat something. I don't have a lot of advice on this matter, although I have tons of experience. Well, 3rd party experience. My sperm donor, I mean biological father, was an alcoholic. I don't know how often, but I am sure pretty often. He was abusive toward my mother and me. The best thing she ever did for us was to get us out of that house. I was only 4. I remember more than I care to. He is recovered, as I remember, but I didn't see him at all from the age of 4 until 12, and then he didn't really have time for me. He was still not a stable man. I am now 28 and have not seen him since I was 12. We live in the same area. I would LOVE to run into him now, being all grown up, just so he can see how well I turned out without him.

Sorry, my step father now is an alcoholic. He tried to commit suicide about 2 months ago. He is suffering from depression from two surgeries he had to have to amputate toes. My mom is working her butt off to support them so they don't lose everything. He would spend all of their money on beer and cigarettes.

What I really want you to know is that you are not alone. You are strong. He needs help that he may only get if you let him see what life without you is like. Maybe he can change. Maybe he can't. He has to want to. You have tons of support on here, and if you ever want to talk privately, PM me. I have not been exactly in your situation, but I am the result of my mom getting away from that one. Do what is best for yourself and your baby. I love my mom more than anything, and really can't imagine what it must have been like for her to get out.

Hope I wasn't too off the subject. Take care of yourself. You are the one who has to do that for yourself.
 

samantha1979

TCS Member
Super Cat
Joined
Apr 4, 2007
Messages
884
Purraise
1
Location
counting down until graduation!!
I went back and read everything, and it truly brings tears to my eyes.

Originally Posted by sadieandziggy

I'm only 21 and have minimal life experience. And everything seems to have hit me at once. (several illnesses in the family too) I'm really struggling to keep face.
OMG! You are so young! I am not saying this bad, just I feel like I am really young, and I've got 7 years on you. My mom was 26 when she did what you are doing.

10 days is a long time for an addict. Ask one of these guys who just quit smoking. It really is 1 day at a time for a LONG time. It is not long enough though, but it is an accomplishment. From the situations I have been in, I believe that he needs your support. I don't really know if cutting him off completely will work. I don't know, it might be the only way. But if you can encourage him when you talk to him, he will realize how important it is to you. You CAN NOT take him back right now though. He has to TOTALLY overcome this, or he will relapse. He will always be an alcoholic. Always. He will always have those demons trying to get him to have a drink, and he has to learn to ignore them. I believe that is something that only comes with time. You need to go on with your life without him. I can't imagine at all that it would be easy, but you have to do it. He has to know that you are stronger than he is. YOU have the willpower to make changes. HE will have to meet your expectations. You don't deserve that from him. No one does.

Originally Posted by sadieandziggy

Thanks so much guys, you are all great. I'll keep you updated on this thread. Now that I've talked about it, it's easier to next time. I always thought I would be judged.
I can't imagine anyone judging you in this situation. It happens way to often, and most of the time, the women don't get out. In those cases the children will suffer. You have to understand that you have to get your son away from him. Your son will see what he is doing to you, and come to resent your SO, or become like him. You really don't want either to happen. I still hate my father. It is a harsh word, but I never got over what he did to us. He never came back to rectify things. We were better off without him. Don't blame yourself for anything that he does or says to you. He may say mean things to make himself feel better and bigger. That is the way it works. Even outside of your situation, people say mean things and make other peope feel bad, only to make themselves feel better. Please please, I will talk to you whenever you need. I hate that you feel like you don't have close friends, but honestly, you have lots of people that care about you and want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. It will be a long road, but it can happen.
 

goldenkitty45

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Aug 29, 2005
Messages
19,900
Purraise
44
Location
SW Minnesota
Your ex has 2 major problems to resolve - the drinking and the abuse. You can't just take care of one. 10 days is not enough - its a start, but it has to be months and years even to resolve those issues.

My ex made me so many promises of quitting I got tired of listening. He would quit for a month or 2, then right back to the same routine and the abuse was worse when he was drinking.

Stay strong and do NOT give in and don't let him come back for a long long time. The abuse will be hard to figure out, cause abusers are masters of pretending they will not hurt you till they get you back - once back it will be worse then the first time around cause they lost the control once - they will be determined not to lose the control again!
 

norachelhere

TCS Member
Super Cat
Joined
Aug 22, 2007
Messages
848
Purraise
11
Location
St. Petersburg, FL
Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45

Unless a person admits to being an alcoholic and wanting to change, they never will.
The gospel truth. Although I attribute that to the fact that I do not belive in addiction. I belive that people make choices to be alcoholics, or addicts in general. I dont see how anyone can call making a conscience decision to pick up the bottle, or put the needle in your arm, a sickness, but that is because I am crazy in the head too...

However the most important part is that you are away from it now. You would be foolish to go back to him in his current state. As my family said to my drug-addicted Aunt, "Get rid of the poison" she did it bcause her husband made her do it. And she got away from him and has been sober ever since. He needs help, and you are a strong girl to tell him to get lost because of it!

Untill he gets the help that he needs he does not deserve you or your son! Make the most of the time he is not there and as others have said go do things he would not let you do.

Personally if he was abusive and it was me, he would never again be a part of mine, or my childs life, but ultimately that is a decision that you will have to make. I wish you luck, and lots of strength. You have come this far, so we all know you can make it all the way!
 

zissou'smom

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jan 11, 2006
Messages
6,482
Purraise
8
Originally Posted by sadieandziggy

So, I said I'd update you so hre goes:

My ex came round tonight to see our son. He hasn't had a drink for 10days which is quite an achievment for him. I know he hasn't had a drink because I've spoken to him everyday either on the phone or in person, and I know him so well that I can tell if he's even had ONE beer just by hearing his voice!!

So he keeps going on about how he knows he changing - and the problem is that I can see he is. I keep telling him that I don't want him to move back in or for us to start seeing each other again because I don't want him to get too 'comfy' and slip back into old ways. But I'm finding it really hard. I know that I will be finacially better off because I'm a single parent now so the government will help pay my childcare fees, and I should be entiltled to housing benefit (support with rent payment) even though I work nearly full-time and am very well paid. (I am not a scrounger, just claim what I am entitled to)

I hate 'waiting' for the next disappointment, or the next big event.

I am so depressed.
10 days is nothing. You can go 10 days without food, too. If you weren't on the phone with him 24/7, you still don't know what he was really doing. Here's my point; you probably never want to be in a relationship with him again, and it should be at least a year (sober) before he gets an active role in your son's life.

I have been where you are; scared, alone, with an abusive partner who you love anyway, and who would be nowhere without you and so you feel responsible. We are the same age. I left him over a year ago, and it's one of the best things I've ever done.

You haven't even had a minute to breathe. I moved 2 hours away, and let me tell you, at first I missed him a lot and was sad, and still didn't realize how foul and ridiculous our relationship was. That takes months. Healing from it takes years.

He is telling you what you want to hear, he thinks that you are weak and will take him back if he makes some halfhearted gesture towards changing. He is wrong. You are strong, and you don't need him. At all.

Also-- don't wait for him to disappoint you. If you get back together with him, he will. Almost immediately.
 

green bunny

TCS Member
Alpha Cat
Joined
Mar 23, 2007
Messages
625
Purraise
1
Location
Here and there
Please don't think I'm attacking you or trying to make you feel bad.

Please remember what I said: Alcoholics' promises are worth less that nothing.

If you take him back now, all he'll register is that all he has to do to make up with you is not drink for a bit, and make some small overtures for change. you let him back in, and he will quickly go back to his normal behavior. See, he hasn't lost anything.

My father lost his job, had his home taken away from him, and his two daughters turned their backs on him. That was rock bottom for him. He had lost his license because of drinking and that meant nothing to him. When my Mom went over the finances after she threw him out she discovered that we were on the the very verge of losing our house because my father hadn't paid the bills in 2 years. Don't ask me how or why nothing was ever shut off. If my Mom hadn't thrown him out right then we would have lost our house because of his drinking.

My uncle was this close from dying of liver failure because his body couldn't process the alcohol anymore. That was rock bottom for him. The doctors had told his elderly parents to get his affairs in order, and were quite surprised when he recovered. He wasn't supposed to have a chance of recovering. Before he woke up in the hospital he didn't even think he had a problem with alcohol.

When my uncle was really bad my Dad (who was sober at this time) thought he could reason with and appeal to my uncle and convince him to stop drinking. I had to tell him while it did sound like a good idea, it had never worked with him. He then saw my point and realized that he wouldn't be able to help his friend if his friend didn't want to be helped, no matter how much you want to or how much you love them.

Something has to happen to your husband to show him that he cannot live this way anymore. He has to make the choice himsellf.

You don't live with him, but you are still enabling him. You are showing that his actions don't have major consequences. My mother was a huge enabler. That is what I saw and experienced my whole childhood. She didn't even live with us; she lived across the Mississippi in Illinois with her boyfriend and still managed to enable my father's drinking (we lived in St. Louis).

What you do will not ony affect you, but also your son. My sister and I are twins, and it's upsettingly apparent that a childhood of alcoholism and enablement affected us differently in how we react to similiar situations.

I know you want to take him back. It's the easiest thing to do, and you probably don't like conflict. But it's not healthy for you, him, or your son. Please, before you make any decisions about anything, talk to a counselor about your problems and concerns. Maybe print your posts from this thread as a starting point if it's all jumbed up in your head.

Good luck!

Tricia
 

rosiemac

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Dec 3, 2003
Messages
54,358
Purraise
100
Location
ENGLAND... LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY!
Originally Posted by Zissou'sMom

10 days is nothing.

He is telling you what you want to hear, he thinks that you are weak and will take him back if he makes some halfhearted gesture towards changing. He is wrong.
I hate to say it but this is so true.

Always remember no matter how long he's been sober, and it could be years, but "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic". And what if you have a small argument, or something similar that could easily trigger him falling into the bottle again?..........Your back to square one


An old neighbour of mine was one and it split her marriage apart, but until she admitted she was an alcoholic the hospital where she would have been treated didn't want to know.

It'll be difficult for you but you will adapt, and all you have to think of is how he's got you at the moment with it all.............DEPRESSED!
 

lakeriedog

TCS Member
Super Cat
Joined
Jan 27, 2003
Messages
1,140
Purraise
13
Location
at my house
You have had so much great advice from everyone. I just want to agree with those who mentioned for you to go to the Al-anon meetings, you will meet other people there who have gone through some of the same things you are. Things will be tough for a while, but I think you made the right choice breaking it off with your partner. Good luck and stay strong.
 

crittergirl

TCS Member
Super Cat
Joined
Dec 17, 2004
Messages
765
Purraise
1
Location
Michigan
Please stick to your guns and keep him out!
I have been where you are, and as hard as it is, you will be better off in the end.
You or your baby do not deserve this, and if he does not want help he will never get it.
I came out of my situation being stronger and more confident. You will be surprised how many other good things will start happening to you once you get these traits back.
My thoughts and prayers will be with you to stay strong.
 

rockcat

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Nov 6, 2002
Messages
6,665
Purraise
18
Location
The Spacecoast
Have you tried Al-Anon? Here's one of the websites. Its for people who's lives are affected by alcoholics.
http://www.ola-is.org/
I dont know if it's the best site, as there are so many. Google Al-Anon to find more.
You are a strong woman with a very tough life right now. Many of us have been through very trying times. Sometimes it feels like there is no way out. There is. Stay strong. Don't ever give up. My prayers are with you and your family.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #34

sadieandziggy

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Aug 11, 2007
Messages
1,364
Purraise
1
Location
Exeter, South West, UK
You lot really are great. I don't feel like anyone is 'attacking me'. You are all right. 90% of the inner me knows that. I don't like the other 10%.

Going away for work next week for 3 days, so that should make me stronger not being around him. Can't wait to get away from 'reality'
 
Top