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Quick check in to update

post #1 of 74
Thread Starter 
Hey all,

Thanks everyone for the kind words, I haven't been through all the posts yet, and probably won't get a chance to until i get home. I'm currently at the hospital in the postpartum recovery area (I was in the cardiac surveillance unit for 24 hours), and am doing ok.

We're still in shock I think - we had every test done under the sun and so much close monitoring, so for this to happen is just still so unbelievable.

They still had to deliver Joshua by c section, so will be in hospital for a few days recovering from that. After the c section when they moved me to a private room and they brought Joshua to us which was incredibly heartbreaking, but good for some closure. He had a little gown and hat on, and weighed 4lb 12 oz and 10.5 inches long, and was perfectly formed. It was so hard to believe that we could hold him, but we would never take him home. So we got photos of us with him and could get his handprints and footprints, so have some nice little mementos of him.

My recovery is going fine so far apart from some pain due to the c section, which is to be expected, and we've had a constant stream of visitors which has helped us from sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves.

Thanks again for your kind words, and thanks for the PMs - my inbox is full and I probably won't get to do anything with it for a while, but i do thank you all for your support. And Linda, thanks so much for passing on the info, i appreciate it.
post #2 of 74
Oh Sarah, I just want to give you the biggest hug God Bless you and your family We will all be here for you when you are ready Take good care of yourself.
post #3 of 74
I am so unbelievably, utterly, sorry Sarah! I know how badly you wanted Joshua & how risky it was for you.
post #4 of 74
I'm so glad you were able to be with him, even so briefly. He was loved by so many... he'll always be remembered.
post #5 of 74
My heart is with you Sarah and Andrew.
post #6 of 74
Sarah theres so many arms hugging you both on this site right now
post #7 of 74
Sarah, I am so sorry for your loss. I know he ment the world to you.

You and your families are in my and my DH's thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Many hugs to you and your DH. We are here when you need us. We love you and support you.

I am so glad you got to spend a bit of time with baby Joshua. I know how hard that is. I know the feeling of having the prints but not being able to do anything about it.

I am sending you and Andrew the biggest hug ever from DH and me in San Diego.

If you need to talk I am here for you. Rest up, you need your strength now more than ever. Just rememer time heals all wounds.
post #8 of 74
I am so sorry for your loss Sarah.

I am sending hugs and prayers from Mississippi for you and Andrew. I hope that God comforts you during this most difficult time in your lives.

RIP Joshua

post #9 of 74
Sarah I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know your heart broken..I can't imagine how you must feel..
post #10 of 74
Honey I am so sorry for your loss. If you need anything at all let us know okay?
post #11 of 74
I'm glad you're doing ok, Sarah, thanks for the update. My deepest condolences to you and your family
post #12 of 74
Oh Sarah, my heart is with you right now, I feel so awful for you

I know that when one of my really close friends lost their baby (just 3 weeks ago ) they were able to hold her and spend time with her as well, just like you did with Joshua

Please know that I'm holding you, Andrew & Joshua very near to my heart, thoughts & prayers

Love to you all
post #13 of 74
I am so sorry hun! Big hugs I don't even know what to say.
post #14 of 74
I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers.
post #15 of 74
Sarah...my heart weeps for you and Andrew.

I'm glad that you were able to spend some time with your son to say goodbye, that's important and very special, and I'm especially glad that you are being surrounded with love and support.

You know we are here for you - but take all the time you need to heal.

post #16 of 74
Sarah, I am so sorry for your loss of your little one, just know that you are surrounded by people that really do care!! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!!
post #17 of 74
Sarah, I know you and Andrew have the strength to make it through this sadness.

Rest in peace little Joshua. You are truly loved.

post #18 of 74
I'm so very sorry for your loss, Sarah, and glad that you were able to hold Joshua and spend some time with him. It's such a tiny bit of time, but you now have that body memory, too. Sending many prayers and for your peace and healing.
post #19 of 74
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I don't have the words to say how I feel, so I will just give you a .

RIP little Joshua.
post #20 of 74
Take care of yourself Sarah. We are all thinking of and praying for you and your family.
post #21 of 74
RIP Adorable Joshua

You are in our thoughts & prayers - we hope you both will be okay
post #22 of 74
Thread Starter 
Andrew's gone home for a couple of hours to do a few things, and I can't concentrate on reading any books, so thought I'd pop back in. Here's a more detailed account of what happened that Andrew put on our website yesterday.

The short story: we lost the baby. "Cord accident".

The long story:

Sarah woke me up at about 2:30am on Tuesday morning in a panic because she'd woken up herself at about 2am, and realised that she hadn't felt the baby move since about 8am the previous day.

I had a quick feel, but couldn't feel anything like his usual vigorous kicking, and eager to put her mind at rest, called Labor an Delivery at Lucile Packard Children's Hospital to see if we could come in. They said we could, so we jumped in the car and got there at about 3:25am.

They hooked up Sarah to a fetal heart monitor, but after anxious minutes, they couldn't pick up anything, so they got out the ultrasound machine. It was pretty obvious from that that there was no movement. We'd lost him.

So from about 4am onwards, we, well, tried to come to grips with the fact that we'd lost our baby. That we'd been robbed, 13 days from the finish line, and that we weren't going to be bringing a baby home to all the stuff we had ready for him there.

The doctors briefly mulled over whether to have a C-section to deliver Joshua, as was the plan, or induce. Apparently it's psychologically better for the mother if she delivers naturally, since she doesn't have the constant reminder for 6+ weeks while she recovers from the C-section. However, the doctors decided that as nothing had really changed from a delivery point of view, and they wanted to do a C-section for reduced strain on Sarah's heart, they opted for a C-section.

They managed to get a free operating room slot in the Stanford ORs (which is attached to the children's hospital), so they transferred Sarah over there rather than waiting at Lucile Packard, and they started performing the surgery at about 10am. Joshua was delivered sometime around 10:15am. I got to see him and hold him while we were still in the OR. He was perfect. 4 pounds 12 ounces. He didn't look that small. We were wondering if he was going to make 5 pounds or not. Maybe he would have by the 17th. I brought him around to show Sarah while she was still on the table, but it was hard to get him up to a good position that she could see him from, and she was a bit zonked out from all of the drugs.

They finished up at about 10:45am, and took her to the recovery room, where they didn't really want me, so one of the nurses from Labor and Delivery took me back to Lucile Packard, to spend some time with Joshua. There she let me hold him for a while, and look at him, and take some photographs. Then she weight him and measured him, and took some more photographs. The nurse was really compassionate about the whole thing, and it felt like we were there for a good couple of hours, which was good, because apparently Lucile Packard and Stanford don't really inter-operate very well, and whilst physically transferring a patient just involves wheeling them down a corridor, getting all the paperwork sorted out is a completely different story. So while Sarah was only supposed to spend an hour in recovery, she spent three hours there, because they were waiting on paperwork to release her, then waiting on a room to be available, then the right people weren't talking to each other, so they didn't know they didn't know that a room was available from midday. I forget what time we actually got out of recovery.

The doctors, being the overcautious bunch of people that they are, wanted to keep Sarah in the Cardiac Surveillance Unit for 24-48 hours so they could check on her vitals post-delivery. They let us out of there late today. We're currently in a general ward. I thought they said it was for gynaecology patients (they didn't think it'd be terribly considerate to stick us in with all the other recovering mothers and their babies), but there's some male patients in here too, so I'm not sure what this ward is.

In terms of coming to grips with things, they brought Joshua up to our room for pretty much as long as we wanted yesterday, and Sarah was more with it by then, so she could hold him, and we could take more photographs.

It's been really hard. I was awake from when Sarah woke me up in the morning until about 10pm that night. Fortunately I was able to get a cot in the room with Sarah, so I could stay the night there. I'm staying here tonight as well.

The obstetrician that delivered Joshua said that his umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice and once around his body, and was pretty tight around his neck. They can't say for sure that that's what happened, but it's a good enough explanation for us, and we're not going to have the little guy cut up for an autopsy, which may not tell us anything anyway.

So we're taking some small comfort from the fact that we're able to make a healthy looking baby, and that Sarah's heart performed fine throughout the pregnancy and delivery, and that this was just one of those so very unlucky accidents. Apparently babies get their umbilical cords wrapped around their necks all the time, and most of the time it's not a problem. So we know that he didn't have any birth defects, and it wasn't because of something Sarah ate, or because Sarah got sick or anything. It's just plain bad, rotten luck.

We'll most probably try again, but the next pregnancy is going to be hell. It'll be like walking on egg shells the entire time. Clearly, your baby isn't out of the water until he's screaming in the delivery room.

There's a lot more I want to write, but I also want to get this finished and get some sleep, so here's a brain dump of what's been going through my head for the last 48 hours:

* Dammit!
* Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!
* We only had 13 days to go
* We just had the baby shower on Saturday!
* We just bought the last few things at Babies 'r' Us on Monday. He was probably dead by then.
* We were so ready. We'd gotten everything. We bought a cool jogging stroller! We bought a super-awesome safety table of a high chair.
* I never thought my Tuesday would end up like this when I went to bed on Monday night
* He looked so perfect. We've been robbed. He's been robbed.
* The little bugger was too active for his own good
* We were supposed to b e having our Caesarian class the next day
* Should we try again? Can I handle seeing Sarah go through all the pain and suffering of another C-section?
* It's just not fair!
* I wouldn't wish this on anyone
* This sucks
* This just isn't fair
* We'll get through this

We've been very grateful for the near endless stream of visitors, phone calls and SMSes, and flowers. It's helped us not dwell on things, especially given all of our family is so far away. Sarah's Mum, who was going to arrive in 5 weeks, is now arriving on Friday, so that'll be good for Sarah.

Sarah will hopefully be discharged on Friday or Saturday. We're planning on cremating Joshua, as it just doesn't seem right to bury him over here and then someday move back to Australia and leave him all alone. Current thinking is we won't have a funeral service.
post #23 of 74
Sarah... all I can do is send hugs to you right now, my heart is breaking for you & Andrew
post #24 of 74
All I can say Sarah is that I am thinking of you and you are in my prayers
post #25 of 74
post #26 of 74
I`m glad you got to spend some time with him and I hope you can come to terms with what has happened and that you heal with no complications.

You are a very brave woman and I`ve been thinking about this all day. Take good care of you
post #27 of 74
It's not fair. But everyone is here for you. Small consolation, I know, but we all want to help in anyway we can.
post #28 of 74
Oh, Sarah and Andrew, you were robbed. I'm so saddened to hear about this tragedy. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I am so, so sorry about what has happened. Life is so unfair.

I want you to know, that in the months to come, when all the visitors are gone and everyone thinks you are "over it" and you are not, that I'll be here for you.
post #29 of 74
Sarah, thank you for coming here and letting us know, when you are in the middle of something so devestating for you ......... Many prayers and thoughts for you and Andrew and your families.

Many hugs to you ...
post #30 of 74
My parents were almost in the same situation with me, I was not breathing when I was born because my umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck so tightly.
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