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Making a list

post #1 of 22
Thread Starter 
The DH and I got into another fight today about him not doing anything around the house. He thinks just because I don't have a job that I should do it all. I'm tired of arguing so I decided to make a list of what I do down to the smallest thing, like throwing away one of his cigarette packs. This way he can visably see all the things I do around there. I don't know if this will work but I'm at my wits end.
post #2 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmycat1 View Post
The DH and I got into another fight today about him not doing anything around the house. He thinks just because I don't have a job that I should do it all. I'm tired of arguing so I decided to make a list of what I do down to the smallest thing, like throwing away one of his cigarette packs. This way he can visably see all the things I do around there. I don't know if this will work but I'm at my wits end.
Welcome to the wonderful world of being in a relationship. I'm not really one to give advice to you- considering I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years... Good luck, and I hope you get it all figured out. One thing I did learn about a relationship is sometimes it's better to just let it go and not fight. Not sure if that will help you or not- it sure didnt help me!
post #3 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmycat1 View Post
The DH and I got into another fight today about him not doing anything around the house. He thinks just because I don't have a job that I should do it all. I'm tired of arguing so I decided to make a list of what I do down to the smallest thing, like throwing away one of his cigarette packs. This way he can visably see all the things I do around there. I don't know if this will work but I'm at my wits end.
I go through this same thing as I do temp work so I'm not always working.

He doesn't say a word about ANYTHING and then when we get into fights he'll pick apart every little thing I should be doing around the house.

Now that I am working full-time again, I'm STILL doing all the same stuff...so I don't really see the difference here.

UGH, men!
post #4 of 22
That's a big problem when a couple "assumes" things and never really discusses the "rules". Most guys feel if the gf/wife is at home all day and not working 9-5, then she should take care of the house.

If you feel different, then those things should have been talked about a long time ago and worked out as to what each expects out of the other.

Not too late to sit down and do it now - BUT both of you have to be willing to talk - not fight, yell, accuse, etc.

Have it clear to both of you what each expects out of the other and compromise as much as possible if you want a good relationship without the fighting.
post #5 of 22
Maybe it's good that I'm still single....at least I just have to put up with myself... I hope you get it all worked out. I know how aggravating that can be. My dad is the same way and he doesn't do much around the house.
post #6 of 22
When my BF wasn't working and I was, he did everything around the house.
When he was working and I wasn't - I did it.
I now work part time and volunteer part time and we share the housework.

To be totally honest, if he is the only one working and he is paying for me to do stuff - I don't think he should come home to spend his evening cleaning (considering I am probably making more mess if I am home more)
post #7 of 22
The way i see it is if one partner is working and the other isnt then yeah the partner who is home all day should be doing the housework. If there are kids involved, say the non working one is looking after the kids at home then i the other should still do a bit of housework to. No matter if they are male or female. If i was to work (my BF cant cause he has a medical condition) then he would be doing most of the housework. I would still do the cooking and dishes tho cause im a fusspot and have to do them myself lol.
post #8 of 22
Girl I feel your pain! I'm currently in school full-time but I don't have a job. Therefore, according to my SO, I have lots of "time" to clean, cook, whatever. While I might have more "free time" than he does, it doesn't mean that I should be expected to do everything all the time. My school is extremely demanding of my time. I've explained this to him and he knows it.

There was a possibility yesterday that my dad and step-mom might stop by the house so I spent the whole day prior cleaning up the house. I mopped the floors, vaccumed, dusted, did the dishes, straightened up, made the bed. He didn't do a thing. Now, once in a great while he'll do the laundry or unload the dish washer but that's the only help I get and it doesn't happen that often!

I've expressed how I feel to him about it and have asked him to lend a hand once in a while, yet nothing ever comes of it. I do most of my major cleaning on the weekend (when we are both home). I don't know what else I can do. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that I'm the only one who does the housework. I don't expect him to do everything, but a little help is always nice...even little things like putting your dirty dishes into the dishwasher or throwing your trash away when you're done would be a great help!
post #9 of 22
When I didn't have a job, I'd keep the bedroom clean and whatnot since I wanted to "pull my weight". Now that we are both working full time, we share cleaning responsibilities and whatnot. We don't have many, seeing as we live with his parents (gah), but what we do have, we split up. You guys just need to talk about what you expect/think one another should do to make it fair.
post #10 of 22
Thread Starter 
The DH called me from work to apologize for being so mean. I also said sorry. He agreed to mow the grass tomorrow and I to trim up the bushes and trees. I don't mind doing the majority of the work since I have no job. The thing I can't stand is picking up all the trash he leaves laying around and what not. He's an adult and should pick up after himself. Also the reason I hate cleaning is every time I do he goes and filthies up the house the same day. Nothing stays clean around here. But, we've come to a compromise for now so I'm happy.
post #11 of 22
That's a start But I would (when you both are in a better mood) sit down and work out the rest of what is bothering you. Because if you don't, you will keep resenting things and that leads to fights. Work it out before it becomes a major issue.

Perhaps a "job jar" with things you'd like him to help with or do would be acceptable for both

You need to tell him how it makes you feel without getting him on the defensive - say "I really hate it when you leave stuff all over the house. It makes me feel like a slave or maid - not your wife. Can you help me out by keeping your stuff picked up so I don't feel like the slave? It would make me feel a lot happier"
post #12 of 22
Y'know, I was thinking along the same lines the other day. Its a shame that women, now a huge part of the working world, have to work a full time job and keep up the house, laundry, groceries, cook, remit the bills (I do atleast) and keep up with children (if they have them). And the men, in my case atleast, works (very hard), comes home and relaxes. Plays golf on the weekends. Works on (by works on, I mean tears-up) his car on occasion. Who has the better end of the deal here?!

Don't get me wrong, if I asked him to help me out, he would. It probably wouldn't be done the way I like it, but he would do it.

This probably didn't help your situation, but I hope it all works out for you.
post #13 of 22
Perhaps when you have a conversation with him, make a suggestion that you each try to pick up after yourself as *soon* as you finish making the mess. IOW, if you guys eat dinner in the living room (or for that matter at the dining room table or wherever), then the very next time you get up for anything, take your dishes to the sink, rinse them, and stack them in there, even if you don't actually wash them or put them in the dishwasher. It's *so* much easier to work with them if it's been rinsed before it's stuck on and saves a ton of time, I think.

Or, when you take your clothes off at the end of the day, toss your lights into one basket and your darks into another. If you make something in the kitchen, put the trash in the barrel, and all the ingredients away before you eat it... and mention to him that you need him to help remind you to do that too (even though you obviously don't, really), but he'll feel like it's not all about he doesn't do anything, and will feel like it's more an equally balanced "fault".

Men, supposedly, like to solve things, so.. if you can "help" him to help you solve it, by helping you work out the solution.. it might make him feel better about it.
post #14 of 22
Well, my Jeremy is pretty good at picking up after himself.
He is in charge of keeping the upstairs bathroom clean, and litterbox duties.

He works full time, I do not work.
I keep the rest of the house clean and do 95% of the cooking.
He helps by seperating his own laundry and bringing it down when he needs it washed, and by making sure all of his dishes make it to the kitchen sink.
He also vacuums upstairs.

I figure if I'm getting room and board, I may as well earn it.
post #15 of 22
Oh man....I'm SO glad I'm single. Just me and the cats to clean up after.....too bad those darn cats make such a mess of the house, lol!
post #16 of 22
I'm a house husband and I do all the work, not coz I feel obliged, but because I love it {well got used to it} I used to have a huge apartment and several flatmates, there would be a roster for house work, yet I'd get home after a 16hr shift and find the place a total mess. Sometimes the flatmates weren't home so I'd just clean it. Oh but don't you worry the flatmates certainly got an earful from me, when they would get home. I remember when 1 bought his new gf over and went right off my rocker. I had just cleaned the living room before going to work, then get home and it looked like a bomb had exploded. {lets just say that, that was not a great 1st impression at all}
I like it though if on the odd occasion on say a weekend, if my wife would do something to help. I mean the wife is a bit like a guy when it comes to dishes, she cannot use the same cup or plate 2x she needs a new one everytime, and the house hells teeth. I give this place a thorough going over everyday, even the large apartment I just mentioned only needed cleaning once a week, not once a day.

Thanks for the chance to get that off my chest I guess that wasn't helpful to Luvmycat1.

Not all guys are like your BF, and not all girls are like my wife. Occasionally I don't care if the house gets a little untidy, but that is only occasionally.
post #17 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taurus77 View Post
Y'know, I was thinking along the same lines the other day. Its a shame that women, now a huge part of the working world, have to work a full time job and keep up the house, laundry, groceries, cook, remit the bills (I do atleast) and keep up with children (if they have them). .
I also think the above situation is also a shame and very unfair so I picked a SO that feels the same way. Makes marriage so much easier! When we are both working we share household duties equally, it runs smoothly. When I wasn't working (went to school full time) I did take care of most of the duties, and when he wasn't working (going to school full time) he did the same as well.

To the OP, I agree with Goldenkitty, you need to get these duties sorted out before it turns into something really big that creates a huge ongoing constant problem between the two of you and your relationship. It is not fair for you to drop it if it bothers you, you need to speak up. I am thinking it probably isn't cleaning that bothers you, but more so his carelessness, for instance, throwing clothes on the floor, leaving dishes out, etc.
Be honest and open with him. Hopefully you will get the same respect in return. I also think men like to "solve things" and make them better, so talk about a way to solve this issue.
post #18 of 22
Yup my DH thinks that too. He works nights so it's hard for me to keep up with cleaning while he sleeps. Although he wouldn't hear the vacuum anyway, but I don't want to wake him. I do make dinner nearly every night and his lunch for work. He gets up and eats dinner with little time for anything else but a shower. He however is very thankful for my help.
post #19 of 22
This must be quite a typical thing, because my husband and I have an agreement that I do all the cleaning and tidying, which I dont mind, but he cant understand why I get annoyed at him for not picking up dirty clothes and putting them in laundry bin, or when I put all his clothes on the bed because they need to be put away, he just throws them on the floor b4 bed, I told him he makes me feeel like a slave, it also demotivates me so I stop cleaning and picking up my own bits....

We had a huge argument about it the other week because the only reason I am at home is because I am aplying for all my social security numbers and greencard, when this eventually comes (9 months and $4000 later) I will be working and he will AVE to do cleaning and bits to help as I am not working full time and doing all the cleaning, this isnt fair! so I told him he needs to start making an effort and getting used to picking up afterhimself, because I am either going to work and we share the household duties or I wont work!!

OOOPs wow I really went off on a rant, I was going to keep typing to and then I realised I am thread jacking SORRY!
post #20 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by missourigrl View Post
Girl I feel your pain! I'm currently in school full-time but I don't have a job. Therefore, according to my SO, I have lots of "time" to clean, cook, whatever. While I might have more "free time" than he does, it doesn't mean that I should be expected to do everything all the time. My school is extremely demanding of my time. I've explained this to him and he knows it.

There was a possibility yesterday that my dad and step-mom might stop by the house so I spent the whole day prior cleaning up the house. I mopped the floors, vaccumed, dusted, did the dishes, straightened up, made the bed. He didn't do a thing. Now, once in a great while he'll do the laundry or unload the dish washer but that's the only help I get and it doesn't happen that often!

I've expressed how I feel to him about it and have asked him to lend a hand once in a while, yet nothing ever comes of it. I do most of my major cleaning on the weekend (when we are both home). I don't know what else I can do. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that I'm the only one who does the housework. I don't expect him to do everything, but a little help is always nice...even little things like putting your dirty dishes into the dishwasher or throwing your trash away when you're done would be a great help!
My advice for you (and EVERYONE here for that matter) is when he doesn't even the littlest, tiniest things.. praise him for it. Make sure its, um, something that makes it worth doing again for them. If you keep rewarding him for the good behavior (even a smile and a hug, or "wow honey, the countertop is really clean--thanks for doing that for me!"--it doesn't have to be anything big) he'll do it more often, and then you can shape the behavior however you like. Basically train them into it.

Another thing for you guys is, with cleaning.. when your SO has a bit of energy get them to HELP you clean. Make it fun. Have ice cream for breakfast together while you dust/clean windows/wipe counters/etc. Steal some kisses while vacuuming or doing the dishes. Make the bed together after a morning spent in bed cuddling, or breakfast in bed. Wen you guys do dishes after dinner together, make that a special time for the two of you, a part of your routine that's special that you both enjoy.

Most of all, don't forget.. lavishly praise them for even doing the tiniest of things, and when they do it consistently start praising them for doing it how you like.

But I'm sure the way us neatfreaks clean will always be better.
post #21 of 22
When I was not working, I did the housekeeping, laundry, shopping, pretty much everything except mow the grass and take out the trash.
It has taken him a little while, but since I am working 1 full time with as much overtime as they can get us to do, and also a part time job, he has gotten so much better. He even scooped litter boxes the other day. You could have knocked me over with a feather.
He mops the floors occasionally, too. I still hate the overflowing trash can next to his side of the bed, but I am not going to complain too loudly. He has gotten so much better, I don't want mess it up.
post #22 of 22
I'm a big fan of setting a "minimum standard of cleanliness" and making the neatfreak in the pair/group handle anything adhering to stricter standards. For me (and Dave), that means he picks up in the living room and bedroom, does all the vacuuming and dusting, and I clean the kitchen and the bathroom. I also handle all the pet duties.

I am a barely reformed slob, so left to my own devices, the bedroom would involve a carpet of dirty clothes and a "clean pile". The closet would explode when you opened the door. I also happen to be very bad at ironing. Dave does the laundry and will even iron my work clothes if I pick them out ahead of time.

On the flip side, Dave doesn't feel the need to clean the kitchen or bathroom nearly as well as I demand. So, I clean them. I also scoop litter boxes (ferret and cat) at least once a day, if not more. I hate using paper plates, plastic cups, etc., so I do the dishes. Dave would have us using disposables 100% of the time if I wasn't willing to do the dishes.

If I wasn't working, I'm sure I could work the extra cleaning into my routine. It would make our free time after work actually free to do what we wanted. Why should he clean after work when I've been reading The Cat Site all day?

For the OP, if you guys can get by one one income, why not work part-time and hire a housekeeper to deal with the chores, if it's that much of an issue? I always said the only way I would stay home is if the other person made sufficient money to afford a housekeeper and all of the other "luxuries". If not, I'd much rather be working at just about any job than be responsible for the house being clean enough to meet both my and my partner's requirements. I'd rather avoid the stress in my personal relationships and pay someone else to keep the place up.
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