Julie likes a boy...

So, I think I'm starting to date someone who I really like. We get along really well, and when it's time to go home or back to work or whatever we never want to leave. It's relatively new, though, we just met a couple weeks ago. So I'm excited!

Many of you know what my last disaster of a relationship was like... I'm kind of scared now because I really like this guy, in a way that I have never liked someone before. Usually boys like me, and chase me, and I give in and like them back, or I like them and it's unrequited. So it's weird that he seems to be as into me as I am to him.

I guess I don't really know how relationships are supposed to be, I just know they aren't supposed to be like the last one I had (at all, ever!) so I am holding back a little.

Any advice, oh wise ones?

(Background for those who don't know: long story short, my last boyfriend was a physically/emotionally abusive who I stayed with two years too long, and if you can imagine something wrong with a relationship, it was-- and I behaved accordingly, in a way I am not proud of)

That's great, I am happy for you!
Advice...just don't take things too fast. Only you can determine what that means. Otherwise have fun!

Take things as they come and be honest. If there are deal breakers that you have talk about them as soon as possible.

I hope it works out for you, do what you feel is right, follow your instict, I had given up on men when I met my husband we moved in together 2 months later and the rest is history!

New relationships are so fun - enjoy the "getting to know you" phase.

Advice - take it as it comes and be honest. BUT - don't be so honest that you scare him off. When the topic comes up of past relationships (if it hasn't already), tell him about your last one. But don't just blurt it out over dessert out of the blue, you know? And always remember that you control how fast or slow it goes. Both of you do, and either one can put on the brakes to slow down, or hit the accellerator.

I am Happy for you I hope this guy works out for you

What Heidi said is right on the money. I hope this works out for you, and in the meantime have fun!

All I know about relationships:

1. They seem to go better if you ease into them gradually.

2. It's good to be not just honest about the big issues, but frank about the little things, too -- and always with a sense of humo.

3. Never, never marry anybody until you've lived with them for at least a few months. (If you doubt that this is a good idea, please PM me and I will tell you a story.)

I hope this is the real thing for you at last, and it all works out beautifully!

Take it one step at a time and go with the flow. Alot of things that are new and exciting are also scary (especially if you have been hurt in the past). Feel this guy out, there is no need to rush, have a blast getting to know eachother... and I hope it works out for the best

Originally Posted by valanhb

New relationships are so fun - enjoy the "getting to know you" phase.

Advice - take it as it comes and be honest. BUT - don't be so honest that you scare him off.

When the topic comes up of past relationships (if it hasn't already), tell him about your last one. But don't just blurt it out over dessert out of the blue, you know? And always remember that you control how fast or slow it goes. Both of you do, and either one can put on the brakes to slow down, or hit the accellerator.

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LOL... he came over last night when I had some friends over (we were playing Apples to Apples, which may be the best game EVER) and something came up about a trip I went on with my ex. My friend said 'why did you go there?' and I had to answer... Anyway, I didn't go into detail, I just said something vague about an ex.

That is one thing I've learned-- there are a good number of things I don't tell anyone until I know them very well, and even then I'm hesitant. I'm more likely to get the "Why don't you ever talk about anything!" than to scare people off sharing too much. Which is almost as bad, because then people think I don't trust them, etc. I've just had some very bad reactions from people (ranging from them being deeply negatively affected to accusing me of lying to get attention) so I never want to talk about things.

He talks a lot anyway, which is good. Because I don't really. And I think he gets as scared off by people being too open about things (what can I say, I'm a WASP) as I do. I once stopped seeing someone because they said the big L wayyyyy too soon.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I think I'm just nervous because I really don't want to mess this up.

Both DH and I experienced abuse in the past (his as a child, mine in 1st marriage) so I can relate.

When our 1st marriages were more/less over, we had made a list (mental and written) of things we wanted in a future partner if we found them. Without thinking about your current dating guy, try to sit down and make a list of 15-20 different things you want and expect in a future man. Be fairly specific (not just superficial). If you don't like smoking, then specify "no smoking". If you'd rather have a more slendar person then heavier, specify that.

Obvious you know the signs now of physical/emotional abuse (if you don't, then get out this book I recommend to abuse victums - "Abuse Survivors Speak Out" by Patricia Evans. It really helped me see things the way they were to indentify my ex as an abuser (verbal/emotional).

So include in your list of things you DO NOT want as well. Then after you've made the list, compare your current guy to the list and see how well he matches up - you want at least 75% match or more.

DH and I matched each other's list almost 100%! And we are still in love with each other after 5 very happy years. We did it wrong the first time around, but fixed it all with the 2nd time

Good luck but be sure he's everything you want and you are everything he wants

As far as not knowing what a relationship really is, I also recommend you read "The Book of Romance" by Tommy Nelson - its very good in finding the correct and right person to marry

I just wanna say.......I hope this all works out for you!!!

Everyone has given great advice.

Definitely enjoy the first moments of starting a new relationship.

I have not had your same past, but it does take me a while to get close to someone and I was much worse in college, especially freshmann and sophmore years. The worse thing you can do in the relationship right now is push him away because you're afraid that he'll turn out to be "like the last one..."

There isn't any ideal of how a relationship should be. Nothing is set in stone. A good relationship is how you and your boy build it together. You enjoy each others company, you talk to each other, and you both work to maintain the relationship. Things like respect, honesty, comfort, etc are just some of the ingrediants that go into that relationship.

Hope everything works out!!!!

from all of my experince of being a guy, well for my whole life.
guys suck,i would not date one.

ok i was kidding, we dont suck, but i would still not date, one.
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the others have said,some good things, but I was shocked that no one has yet asked the second most important question what does Zissou think of him

Originally Posted by theimp98

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the others have said,some good things, but I was shocked that no one has yet asked the second most important question what does Zissou think of him

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Julie I hope everything works out exactly the way you would want it.

Tell us, does Zissou like him and does he like her?

\t Ohhhh congratulations! You must be sooo happy. Good luck, I really hope things turn out nicely for you.

Originally Posted by theimp98

from all of my experince of being a guy, well for my whole life.
guys suck,i would not date one.

ok i was kidding, we dont suck, but i would still not date, one.
.
the others have said,some good things, but I was shocked that no one has yet asked the second most important question what does Zissou think of him

Click to expand...

Bruce, I wouldn't want to date men either if they weren't so fun and adorable. We just put up with y'all because we like you to darn much. And, you can always open jars and mow the yard.

LOL yes. The last guy I sort-of dated, she was totally terrified of (he vaguely resembled the incredible hulk...) and ran away from, and I soooooo should have listened because he was a jerk.

She went straight up to him last night as soon as he came in the door and rubbed all over him, and then she was smelling his feet, and he was playing with her and she loved it. I don't know if he is really a cat person but he likes her at least.

Although I caught her staring at him a couple times, I couldn't read her expression, it was sort of her play-with-me! expression, but not quite?

coool,

sometimes, you can tell alot about person by the way they treat animals, and by the way the animals are with them.

Not always, But it can be a big clue.

hehe i hope that things keep going well for you

Julie, I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for six years and although it never got what I would call really physical, sometimes it came close. It was horrible. I lost my self-esteem, my self-worth, my self-respect. I became volatile and insecure, timid and easily cowed. I just shudder to think how I became. When finally he had an affair and I felt I had a decent excuse to leave him, I did. And it was the best thing Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]ve ever done.

I did what Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]d wanted to do since I was 18 and got a flat by myself, just me and my kitties, and lived on my own for a year until I met Max.

I was scared, too. Max seemed to be so wonderful but when he did the slightest thing wrong I would jump to all kinds of conclusions, go off the deep end, panic, get angry – it was horrible. It hit home to me once when Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]d had a nervous breakdown over something small and he said to me, `Wow, I didnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t realise you were so fragileâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]. Luckily, he was the kind of guy who didnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t freak out and run when he realised that, but instead made it his duty to help me get back on my feet emotionally.

We stuck together and we are now engaged and more in love than ever. But it has taken three years to get here. The damage of an abusive relationship lasts a LONG time. I was fortunate that I met someone special enough to hang in there with me, through thick and thin, but I had to do a lot of work and changing, too.

I realised when I left my husband that I never knew I had expectations for a relationship until he didnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t meet any of them. I worked out after that the things that were MOST important – being respectful, communication - and I learned to pick my battles. I realised that itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s not all up to the guys to make us happy, and that relationships are a two-way street. When one of those streets is clogged full of old baggage, you need to clear it before you can continue down the road to happiness.

So, I guess what Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]m saying in a roundabout way is, trust your instincts, but be prepared to work on yourself as well as expecting him to help you gain back your trust. Pick your battles, donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t sweat the small stuff but stand up for what you feel strongly about. Be true to yourself and completely honest at all times, no matter how hard it might be. Accept when youâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]re wrong and apolgise if you are, and make him feel special, the way he should make you feel. Know your boundaries and stick to them until you are comfortable to shift them. And if you have some boundaries that you donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t want to shift, thatâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s fine – but be prepared to listen with an open mind if this causes problems.

It wasnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t until I learned how to address my faults and my insecurities and baggage over my last relationship, that my new relationship started to blossom. It wasnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t Maxâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s responsibility to fix me, but it was up to him to be a good, kind, loving partner and to help me recover using my own strength. I also learned that when he saw me changing and compromising and learning, he felt motivated to offer me the same respect, and address issues and faults of his own. We have really grown together and itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s all been about complete and total honesty with ourselves and each other. Also, as others have said, avoid taking things too fast. That was a mistake I made with Max and a couple of times it almost ended our relationship.

In short, I think that women (and men) who have been in relationships that are abusive tend to come out of them with a sense of being owed something. The first partner that comes along who is on the receiving end of this can feel (rightly) under pressure, stressed and a little trapped by this expectation. The only person who can fix you is you, and having a great and understanding partner can really help with that. But as long as you are upfront and honest, things can work out better than you ever dreamed!

Jeeze – that was a marathon! Sorry….

Aww, Sarah, thank you.

It was a long road. Me and *he who shall not be named* broke up a year and a half ago, and I managed to live with him another six months, so it's been almost exactly one year since I managed to leave for real. Towards the end of the relationship, I realized how screwed up it was. That was the first step. We actually talked about it, as bad as he was, at least he realized that he was wrong and a screw-up. I think there were some true psych problems going on... anyway.

I feel like I am in a good place with that at least. I finally got some closure on it about a month ago, in a very strange way, and somehow it seemed like it was truly in the past now and I can deal with it. There was a time, when I first moved in here, where I would just cry about it. I kept realizing new things, and realizing exactly how dysfunctional my life had been for so long, etc. A lot of the things I did were an attempt to pick a fight, so he could do something bad enough that I would finally feel justified in leaving, and I know how crazy that sounds because he already had, but that's what I was doing. Now I know that even feeling like that is a good enough reason to be gone.

I always have been fragile, but strong in a different way. I don't know that it will ever change. A good friend once told me that I really am like water-- you can't break it, because it just won't stop bending. When you've been through some of the things I have, and you are able to function in society at all, you have to be doing okay. Just because I flinch every time someone moves suddenly... doesn't mean I'm really scared.