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Friend Question (long)

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 
Last night, my friend sent me a message and asked me if I was going to send her $25 for tickets for her stag and doe that is next week. I just found out that I can't go so I told her no. She wants me to pay the $25 anyways to help her out and I told her that I can't. I have bills to pay that are currently overdue because I have been broke. I also owe the dentist $200 still from my wisdom tooth surgery that was 3 weeks ago.

I told her that I only make about $300 a month, and that is barely enough to pay my bills and buy food and she was still getting mad at me. She works full time and seems to have money to do whatever she wants (not to mension a huge wedding in 2 months) . She doesn't realize that where I live, its sooo hard to get a full time job and you just have to deal with what you can get.

She gave my mom the stag and doe tickets (which I did NOT ask her to do) and now expects me to pay for them. Apparently it costs money to print the tickets and shes mad because I'm not paying for tickets that I never even asked for. Originally, I did tell her I would buy the tickets, but that was before I got dry socket and had to go to the dentist a million times.

It would be different if I was going to the stag and doe, but I can't go so I don't think I should have to buy tickets. I cannot afford it at all right now. I told her I would make it up to her with her wedding present when I would have more money and she was like whatever you don't have to. I appologized like 20 times saying that I am really sorry but I just can't afford to give her $25 right now.

Should I be paying her for the tickets, even though I didn't ask her to give them to my mom?
post #2 of 25
No, there's absolutely no way you should have to pay for that. It sounds like she is being very selfish IMO. Please don't feel bad.
post #3 of 25
I think if she was a real true friend she would understand your circumstances.

Its really easy for a bride to turn into a monster about small things, post them back through her door with a note explaining things again and maybe she will understand.

You could always say you will go but she will have to wait for the money and have no present because you cant afford both, just let her know you cant pay til after the wedding.
post #4 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenny82 View Post
No, there's absolutely no way you should have to pay for that. It sounds like she is being very selfish IMO. Please don't feel bad.
Thats what I thought. I would never ask one of my friends to pay for something that they can't go to when they have like no money at all. I'm glad someone else agrees with me though.
post #5 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by My cat Mellow View Post
You could always say you will go but she will have to wait for the money and have no present because you cant afford both, just let her know you cant pay til after the wedding.
That's a good idea, if you want to of course.
post #6 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by My cat Mellow View Post
I think if she was a real true friend she would understand your circumstances.

Its really easy for a bride to turn into a monster about small things, post them back through her door with a note explaining things again and maybe she will understand.

You could always say you will go but she will have to wait for the money and have no present because you cant afford both, just let her know you cant pay til after the wedding.
I don't know if I consider her a true friend anymore. Not too long before she got engaged, we were talking and she said that when we get married that we should be each others maid of honours and we agreed on it. She got engaged like right after and didn't ask me to be in her wedding party at all. I had every intention of her being my maid of honour.

I also haven't seen this friend in 4 years. She lives so far away from me now. We lived in the same city until I was 10 when I moved away and have maybe seen her 5 times since, and its been 11 years.
post #7 of 25
I would mail her tickets back to her and write her off. She has no right to treat you that way especially if you are not even in the wedding party. Why should you even "make it up to her" with her wedding present? A true friend would not even think of asking you for money when you are in such a financial bind. If she was a true friend she would tell you that your presence on her big day was enough, and to please just come.
post #8 of 25
I have been where you are now, and I don't talk to the girl anymore. We met in middle school and were "best friends" until college. Then she became my convenience friend, only coming over or calling me when she was having guy trouble. I introduced her to her now husband. He lived across the hall from me when I was a junior in college. She would go to his place all the time and get drunk with him, and only come over to use my potty or perfume. I was somehow her maid of honor, but none of her friends from college (we went to separate schools) would let me help with anything and I felt very left out. At her reception, she was very social but did not even come talk to me, my mom, or my boyfriend at the time. Then on top of that she says "I better be your maid of honor, and not Erin!" Erin is my best friend that she was VERY jealous of.

Anyway, sorry to go off on my own story. Just trying to relate. But, this girl is very selfish and especially if you haven't seen her in 4 years! Don't be afraid to let go. We make friends, evolve and grow up, and grow apart from those friends. And there's nothing wrong with that, it's just the circumstances in life that cause it to happen. Don't pay her. I can't believe someone would act that way.
post #9 of 25
I agree, you gave her an explanation and that should be the end of it. Not your responsiblity to pay for tickets when she gives them to someone else. You owe her nothing in my book.
post #10 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by krazy kat2 View Post
I would mail her tickets back to her and write her off. She has no right to treat you that way especially if you are not even in the wedding party. Why should you even "make it up to her" with her wedding present? A true friend would not even think of asking you for money when you are in such a financial bind. If she was a true friend she would tell you that your presence on her big day was enough, and to please just come.
That has got to be about the rudest thing I've heard of in a long time! And the fact that she just wouldn't let it go, and tried to bully you when you mentioned you were low on cash. Not a good friend.

Not only would I write her off, I'd post a story about her on http://www.etiquettehell.com in the Bridezilla or Gimme Gimme section. Unfortunately, she is not alone in her rudeness. A lot of brides feel like they are entitled to the world because they are engaged. Ugh.
post #11 of 25
You don't owe her anything.
If it were me, I'd send back the tickets even though in my book she's not worth the price of a stamp.

In all honesty I probably wouldn't even go to her wedding, but if you do go there's no way you have to "Make it up to her" by getting her a bigger wedding gift.

Have you ever seen that show one WE called "Bridezilla's"?
She fit right in with those women.
She's getting married that does not make her intitled to act like an idiot.
post #12 of 25
Mail the tickets back... and if I were you, I wouldn't even go to the wedding. This is not a person I would want in my life at all.

I don't give up on people easily, but this episode reveals her character -- or lack of it -- 'way too clearly. Just let her go.
post #13 of 25
I'd skip the wedding if possible and don't feel obligated to give her ANYTHING as a present. I'm sure not everyone that attends gives a present.
post #14 of 25
I won't pay her for the tickets either. BTW why does it cost to have a stag and doe party in the first place???
If the wedding is going to be a hardship for you I wouldn't attend either-send her a nice card if you want.
post #15 of 25
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the advice everyone. I really can't just not go to her wedding. Her parents are really close friends of my parents and it would not go over well if I didn't go.

For her wedding present, I wasn't buying her anything. They want gift cards, and one of the places she wants gift cards from is the place I work. Well, when I get a credit card application at work, I get 20,000 points and every 80,000 points is $10. I was just going to use that to get her a gift card and when I said I will make it up to you, I was just going to put another like $10 on it.

I am not even going to spend the 52 cents (I think thats the price of a stamp now) to send her tickets back. I am just going to show up at her wedding like nothing happened and if she acts rude to me, I will eat her $80 meal and leave.
post #16 of 25
If they are serving free booze make sure you have some of that too!!
post #17 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by GailC View Post
I won't pay her for the tickets either. BTW why does it cost to have a stag and doe party in the first place???
If the wedding is going to be a hardship for you I wouldn't attend either-send her a nice card if you want.
I think it is to help pay for the wedding and food at the party.

The thing I find weird is they are so worried about my $25, but they went out and spent $150 on gift cards that someone is going to win at the party. They are also going out for dinner the night before and spending a bunch of money. If they can afford all that, why is it that printing out my tickets is such a big deal?
post #18 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by catlover19 View Post
I am just going to show up at her wedding like nothing happened and if she acts rude to me, I will eat her $80 meal and leave.
Good for you.
If she's rude at least you got a free meal!

Quote:
Originally Posted by GailC View Post
If they are serving free booze make sure you have some of that too!!
I agree, if the booze is free drink as much as you can as long as you're not driving.
post #19 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45 View Post
I'd skip the wedding if possible and don't feel obligated to give her ANYTHING as a present. I'm sure not everyone that attends gives a present.
We had some people come to our wedding and not give a present and that was perfectly okay, we were just glad that they came.
post #20 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Graciecat View Post
Good for you.
If she's rude at least you got a free meal!


I agree, if the booze is free drink as much as you can as long as you're not driving.
Nope, not driving. If I have to work the next day, my boyfriend will be driving home. If not, I am staying at my parents house. I will drink as much as I can without being too drunk because my parents will be there.
post #21 of 25
Some people use their Stag and Doe parties as "wedding fundraisers," which I think is so tacky. Especially considering that most of these same guests are expected to also shell out money for a gift at the wedding too. Showers are one thing, but these disguised money grabs bother me to no end.

While we all can appreciate the high costs of weddings these days, if they have to hassel their guests/family/friends for money to pay for the wedding...they've planned a wedding that is too big. I'd like to tell her that life is not like Burger King...you can't always have it your way...even if you are the bride!
post #22 of 25
Blah. I'd flush that nut down the toilet & avoid her like the plague! What a "true friend"(that was sarcasm).

Go to the wedding just to keep things "smoothe" among families. I honestly wouldn't bother with the extra $10 on the gift card, though!

IMO, no matter what you do, she will be mad at you.
post #23 of 25
Yes, exactly. They are wedding fundraisers. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stag_and_doe
I looked it up because I wasn't sure what it was. I thought it was a Jack & Jill shower.

Catlover, the gift cards are probably for a raffle, which they will make money on.
post #24 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockcat View Post
Catlover, the gift cards are probably for a raffle, which they will make money on.
They aren't for a raffle. If you buy your tickets before August 16 (the stag and doe is the 17th), you get entered into a contest to win $150 in gift cards. That is their way of trying to get people to buy tickets even if they don't come.

I looked at their facebook event for it and there is a ton of people who aren't going and I really don't think all those people bought tickets.
post #25 of 25
She's trying to extort money out of you. Don't pay the money. If she needs your money that badly, she should have had a wedding budget she could afford. Personally, I don't think that's the case; I think she's just being greedy.

I find it highly disgusting nowadays when people want others to pay for their own weddings. Or they have 4-5 wedding showers and expect a gift from the same people at each of them.

I also find it tacky when guests are invited to the wedding (re: wedding gift) but not to the reception. I think if you can't afford to invite everybody to both places you should put off the wedding until you can afford to. When I was 19, a friend in my group got married, and could only afford to have her wedding party and her family at the reception. The whole thing was screwed up anyway, because she was only getting married because her boyfriend needed a place to live and her parents would only allow him to live in their house if he was married to their daughter.

I was one of the ones just invited to the wedding, and we were all kind of miffed about it. One of the bride's friends in the wedding party decided to put together a "reception" so the ones who weren't invited could come and celebrate with the bride and groom. It was luau- or tiki-themed, which was stupid enough, but the guests were expected to bring their own food and drinks. My sister and I, at least, skipped it.

Tricia
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