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need some advice about an important situation

post #1 of 20
Thread Starter 
Hi all! It's Monique, I seemed to be having a problem, I won't waste
your time so I'll get right to it..... most on the site that know me, know
I'm a widow, raising my son, whom on Wednesday will be 12. My best
friend call me last night with some bad news, it seems her boy and mine
spent the night together last week, her husband was at home sleeping,
he was on the graveyard shift, before I came to pick them up. they got
out a real bow and arrow and a box and in the bedroom put the box against
the wall, and shot it some 20 times, leaving 20 holes in the wall! OMG!
This doesn't sound like either one of them! They both should know better!
So, here is my problem, at first my friends' husband didn't want to be the one to discipline her son, but after talking to her son's real father, whom thought the step-dad should be the one since it happened at his house. so after he thought about it ,my friends' husband wants to be the one to disicipline, both boys! I have always told any of my closiest friends that if they were keeping my son, to treat him as if he were one of their own! I mean't that in all aspects!
So, do I let him discipline my son? I said I would and then bring him to
their house to help fill in the holes with her son! There has been times
through the past 6 years, that my son has needed a man to discipline him!
I know you all know what I mean by that! There is just something about
a man's firm hand that can get the attention of a kid! and I am scared to
death that my discipline isn't strong enough or hard enough on him, I feel
he is at an age where he needs to know he can't just do things. and I feel my weak punishments aren't going to do the trick!
It is so hard always being the one to be the "all-in-one". I'm the mom, the dad, the friend, the disciplinarian! It's like a light switch, and I'm suppose to know when to flip each role on and off just like that!
I want you all to know I really appreicate any input, but please remember, my situation, and if you have not had any dad ( ex or not) to help back you
up, you can't even imagine what that has been like for the last six years , I have had no backup from anyone! I am considering letting him discipline him, I just don't want this to be the start of some bad behavior from my son and maybe it will make him think about his actions! I know he wasn't the one to suggest that they do what they did, but he did participate! He definitely knows right from wrong!
Just put yourself in my shoes! Either way, he will be held accountable!
Part of me can't bare the thought of some one else disciplining Jace. But
on the other hand....... I think it might be the way, I can't decide so I want
some advice, thanks again!

Monique
carwashcats
post #2 of 20
I would have BOTH boys go to the store to buy the materials to fix the holes as well as the paint and stuff needed (plastice, tape, brushes, etc.) to paint the WHOLE room since there is NO way the new wall will match the old walls. I would then have the boys fix the holes with LOTS of hand sanding!

There should be no spanking or such. Talk to them about why what they did was wrong and have them fix the problem.

GOOD LUCK!
Kim
post #3 of 20
As a divorced mom of two kids I can relate some what to how you feel. Thier father never displined them when they were at his house. I can't tell you the amount of calls I got from their dad asking me what to do when they were visiting him and had been bad.

If it was me I would make him help patch the holes along with the other boy but make him understand that the punishment is coming from you not the other father. The other father is not his father and is not his parent. Make sure he knows it is YOUR decesion to have him help do the repairs.


I would also have a seperate punishment at home.

Maybe a week without video games or something of that nature.

He needs to know that not only does he have to help repair the damage he has done but also have a privelage taken away to show you mean business.

I have a son as well and at age 12 is when he started doing things "that he knew better" not to do. I had to punish him and make him pay and clean up for his own actions.

It is hard being a mother, father, friend etc.

You have to remember that parent always comes first. The child does not always understand that. We can only do our best to explain why we are doing what we are doing.

My son is now 18 and I could not be more proud of him.

Good Luck, I am sure it will all work out.
post #4 of 20
Thread Starter 
that is exactly what I was thinking! Thanks alot! I just needed alittle
push, or something to know I was about to do the right thing! I think the other dad (step) will probably change his mind tomorrow anyway! It's real
easy to get lost sometimes, I knew I could count on thecatsite friends for
the direction that I need! My son, is on the most part really a good kid,
I'm not saying he's perfect, but maybe easily influenced! Leader or follower?
I don't know which is worse!
Thanks again!
post #5 of 20
I agree with having them both fix the wall. That teaches them that it's not ok. I would also make him somehow work for the $ it cost to buy the supplies to fix it. Ask him how he wants to pay for it.
post #6 of 20
I don't have kids so I can't offer you any advice on what type of punishment would fit the bill. I do however feel that both boys should have the same punishment because they did the same crime. As to who hands it out? Each parent to their own child.

Have you looked into "Big Brothers" for your son? It sounds like he could benefit from having a male role model in his life and Big Brothers really screens their applicants. He could have someone to do all that male bonding type stuff with such as ball games, hiking, fishing etc.
post #7 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by AsecretK View Post
As a divorced mom of two kids I can relate some what to how you feel. Thier father never displined them when they were at his house. I can't tell you the amount of calls I got from their dad asking me what to do when they were visiting him and had been bad.

If it was me I would make him help patch the holes along with the other boy but make him understand that the punishment is coming from you not the other father. The other father is not his father and is not his parent. Make sure he knows it is YOUR decesion to have him help do the repairs.


I would also have a seperate punishment at home.

Maybe a week without video games or something of that nature.

He needs to know that not only does he have to help repair the damage he has done but also have a privelage taken away to show you mean business.

I have a son as well and at age 12 is when he started doing things "that he knew better" not to do. I had to punish him and make him pay and clean up for his own actions.

It is hard being a mother, father, friend etc.

You have to remember that parent always comes first. The child does not always understand that. We can only do our best to explain why we are doing what we are doing.

My son is now 18 and I could not be more proud of him.

Good Luck, I am sure it will all work out.

That is some excellant advice, and I would do the same thing.
post #8 of 20
I went through similar things, with my sons. By all means, your son and his friend need to be the ones who pay for the materials and do the repair (under supervision). They're not too young to know that actions have consequences.

As for having someone else discipline your son - NO WAY. He is YOUR son and that is YOUR responsibility. Putting this off on someone else is abdicating your parental responsibilty.

My sons lost a lot of privileges, pulled a lot of weeds and shoveled a lot of dog poop, during their growing-up years.
post #9 of 20
Both boys should have equal punishment IMO. If it were me I would discuss the punishment with the other boy's step-father to ensure you and he are both on the same page so to speak. Then I would confront both boys together with the step-father (and mother as well if she wants to be included) to deal out the punishment (consequences) of their actions. That way the boys will know they are being treated equally and that all the adults involved are of one mind.

I may be very wrong, but this IMO isn't exactly one of those moments that needs a male hand. The actions of the boys was wrong, they know it was wrong and it's a simple matter of paying the consequences with both sets of parents involved and agreeing on atonement.
post #10 of 20
If your son were still at their house, I would let the step father punish both of them. But because he let it go, unpunished, at the time both boys were under his care, YOU should make the choice. You can choose to give him the same punishment that his friend is getting, or choose to let the step father give the punishment.

I think it would be best for the punishment to come from YOU. He is now under your roof, therefore under your supervision. Had he acted at the time both children were there, your statement above would have applied.
post #11 of 20
Thread Starter 
All of you are such great friends! I agree with talking to the parents, getting
on the same page and together deal out the punishment, which should be
pay for and fix or repair (supervised) the wall and I like what sofiecusion said,
ask him how he wants to pay for it, like doing things around the house!
Thanks Thanks Thanks! He is mine and I will do the punishment, I wasn't
trying to put it off on the step dad to get out of being a responsible parent,
and he didn't know they did what they did until his wife found it yesterday evening. she didn't have her boys this past weekend, anyway, all great advise, and very appreciated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

love ya'll like i love my cats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and that's alot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
post #12 of 20
Right before we moved into our last home, the neighbor boy and some friends broke into the house and did some damage to it. Nothing major, just broken windows, door knobs, porch swing, etc. The worst of it was the paint cans that he emptied in our (outdoors) storm cellar.

The father came over with his son to let us know that he did it and that his son would either repair the broken items or pay to have them fixed. He then pulled us aside and asked us to name a punishment that would make the boy think about what he had done and he suggested having him mow our lawn for the summer. We took him up on it and the father thanked us for the lesson.

This worked because as the homeowner, we named the punishment with full support of the parent. I'm sure he lectured him at home and we simply sat on the patio and watched his son mow our lawn. It ruined the boy's summer, but it also taught the lesson.
post #13 of 20
I'm glad to know that when you say "discipline," you aren't talking about spanking (and presumably, neither is your friend's husband). You've gotten some good advice already... I just want to encourage you to make sure you are personally involved in whatever the boys are required to do to make this right.

If I were a kid, I think what would be most intense for me would be to sit down with the other boy and discuss the situation with you, the other mother, and her husband -- all five of you at once. I would require the boys to answer questions about the thought process that led them to such a destructive and dangerous act, and try to get them to come up with what questions they should have asked themselves before they did it.

Twelve is old enough to really learn something from this... and I think it's also old enough for you to be able to talk to your son about how difficult it is for you, being his only parent.

Maybe you can ask him to help you in your job as a parent -- he's about to become a teenager, and he could help you now by thinking more deeply and being more responsible than he has been during childhood.

Maybe that kind of approach would help him feel more like he's on "your side," working with you for the good of your little two-person family.

I really admire the thought you're putting into this. I bet you're a great mom!
post #14 of 20
I have a question: WHY IN THE WORLD did your friend have a weapon where the boys could find it? This is very irresponsible on your friend's part, IMO!

A bow and arrow can kill. The bow and arrows should have been separated, and the arrows locked up. What if it had been a gun?

If you put 12-year-old boys, unsupervised, in a place where there is a weapon, it's a pretty sure thing what is going to happen. The boys should have known better, but in human behavior this is what is known as a "set up" (the child is put in a situation where s/he will not act responsibly because the temptation is too great for maturity of the age level). This is exactly why what they did "doesn't sound like them."

That said, I would never let somebody else punish my child. Having had a childhood with violently abusive parents, that thought scares me to no end. I would tell people that you should be called immediately if he misbehaves, and he gets picked up right then and there, and you decide the punishment.

In this case, I agree with everyone else who says the boys should fix what they ruined. I wish you luck in your difficult job of being a single parent to a 12-year-old boy.
post #15 of 20
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
I'm glad to know that when you say "discipline," you aren't talking about spanking (and presumably, neither is your friend's husband). You've gotten some good advice already... I just want to encourage you to make sure you are personally involved in whatever the boys are required to do to make this right.

If I were a kid, I think what would be most intense for me would be to sit down with the other boy and discuss the situation with you, the other mother, and her husband -- all five of you at once. I would require the boys to answer questions about the thought process that led them to such a destructive and dangerous act, and try to get them to come up with what questions they should have asked themselves before they did it.

Twelve is old enough to really learn something from this... and I think it's also old enough for you to be able to talk to your son about how difficult it is for you, being his only parent.

Maybe you can ask him to help you in your job as a parent -- he's about to become a teenager, and he could help you now by thinking more deeply and being more responsible than he has been during childhood.

Maybe that kind of approach would help him feel more like he's on "your side," working with you for the good of your little two-person family.

I really admire the thought you're putting into this. I bet you're a great mom!
First off, thank you so much, I find that when I recieve such a nice thing
said about me, that really helps me, in "my" person, take the stress away!
It is so amazing what a compliment can do for one's soul! I don't know how
great I am, but hearing it from someone else, well keeps me afloat, like
I can handle this! This to shall pass! I have talked with him about this
situation, I didn't get angry, I didn't even accuse him, we talked, treating
him as somewhat of an equal, which really gets more than yelling at him, he and most kids just tune that out!
He felt really bad about what they did, they are going to help the step-dad
this weekend fix the wall, he also has to repay me however much it costs
to repair, in chores, helping around the house or a foot massage or 3! ha ha
The step dad did not want to be the one to punish them, but they are
going to have to work with him while fixing it. Punishment enough, because
my son is pretty embarrassed!
Truely thanks again for the uplift! Everyone needs that! have a great day!
and I'll keep everyone posted!!!! I told the principical at his school this past
year and his teachers, (whom I have known for a few yrs) that .....
"I consider raising Jace a group effort" , they laughed and they also agreed!
I will need and take any and all help!
post #16 of 20
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwampWitch View Post
I have a question: WHY IN THE WORLD did your friend have a weapon where the boys could find it? This is very irresponsible on your friend's part, IMO!

A bow and arrow can kill. The bow and arrows should have been separated, and the arrows locked up. What if it had been a gun?

If you put 12-year-old boys, unsupervised, in a place where there is a weapon, it's a pretty sure thing what is going to happen. The boys should have known better, but in human behavior this is what is known as a "set up" (the child is put in a situation where s/he will not act responsibly because the temptation is too great for maturity of the age level). This is exactly why what they did "doesn't sound like them."

That said, I would never let somebody else punish my child. Having had a childhood with violently abusive parents, that thought scares me to no end. I would tell people that you should be called immediately if he misbehaves, and he gets picked up right then and there, and you decide the punishment.

In this case, I agree with everyone else who says the boys should fix what they ruined. I wish you luck in your difficult job of being a single parent to a 12-year-old boy.
Where we live, and this is not an excuse, people hunt alot, and boys are taught to be responsible with such things at very early age. Come to find out from talking to my son,(we the adults, thought they did this while step-dad was sleeping that morning off of graveyard shift) but they did it when my friend told them to go to bed at the sametime she did..... they did this after she went to bed! We took for granted that they wouldn't even think of doing
this. cause when I asked why didn't ya'll take it outside, he said, "it was dark outside."Plus they wouldn't have had time between her leaving to go to work that morning, her husband coming in and going to sleep, and when I came to pick them up for the day! They didn't have much idle time all that morning! Maybe 30 mins. This has been an eye opener to say the least! I have no problem admitting my fault/part in this!
Yes, truely both boys knew better!!!!!! they are hunters whom have they're
own guns, my father taught my son to hunt, he taught him all about guns
I wasn't too fond of all of that, but I would rather he know all about them
than to be curious one day and do whatever! We don't own bows and arrows! And I didn't even think about my friend having them and where they have them stored! We have all learned a great lesson from this......thanks for pointing that out, I will be asking about that today when I talk to her!
I told him, we trusted them , we gave them an inch and they took a mile!
I also said I know you know right from wrong! You have to stand up and do the right thing no matter what everyone might want you to do! For him to tell them "no" that is wrong, and do not participate! but I guess the part of this
that I can't stand is whenever they realized they put all the holes in the wall and they should have immediately told one of us, fess up, tell the truth, but they waited til someone found it , until we confronted them! I don't like that at all. I am sure this is one of some of what I will go through with him ! I hope that it has some impact on him! I need to go!!!!!!!!!!! thanks all!
post #17 of 20
I agree with making them pay for the materials and fixing it themselves. Kids never really grasp how much things are worth, let alone how much money is worth.
post #18 of 20
I agree totally..

The both did the crime, they both do the time...

It might even make him think twice about what he does at other people's home as well as yours..

Good luck.. Your doing fine.. Just stay strong!
post #19 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by carwashcats View Post
You have to stand up and do the right thing no matter what everyone might want you to do!
Amen, sister! If kids grew up understanding that fundamental principle, they'd turn into much, much better adults.
post #20 of 20
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
I'm glad to know that when you say "discipline," you aren't talking about spanking (and presumably, neither is your friend's husband). You've gotten some good advice already... I just want to encourage you to make sure you are personally involved in whatever the boys are required to do to make this right.

If I were a kid, I think what would be most intense for me would be to sit down with the other boy and discuss the situation with you, the other mother, and her husband -- all five of you at once. I would require the boys to answer questions about the thought process that led them to such a destructive and dangerous act, and try to get them to come up with what questions they should have asked themselves before they did it.

Twelve is old enough to really learn something from this... and I think it's also old enough for you to be able to talk to your son about how difficult it is for you, being his only parent.

Maybe you can ask him to help you in your job as a parent -- he's about to become a teenager, and he could help you now by thinking more deeply and being more responsible than he has been during childhood.

Maybe that kind of approach would help him feel more like he's on "your side," working with you for the good of your little two-person family.

I really admire the thought you're putting into this. I bet you're a great mom!
I have to say, I just re read this reply from you, Carol, and I really
like how you put everything, we are so on the same page! I have always
(when needed of course,) used the working with me since I am alone and
raising him approach, it seems to have worked to some degree. I definately need his help, I told him I am counting on him
to be strong, because in the scheme of things everything he does are
his choices, we are all faced with choices bad or good, dumb or smart!
I do have allowance for some things, but I told him, if you continue to make
bad choices, where do you go from there? I tell him eventually most
bad choices turn into jail time! Well you know that scares the crap out of
him! Which is my intent! Brainwashing is alive and well in America!
My husband always had great control, he would say 'You have got to stay
one step ahead of him' sometimes I got that down, and other times
I start a thread! ha ha ha
I was raised in a pretty functional family, I have come to realize though I
was very sheltered! My parents never told us anything bad, they must have
went to great lengths to hide things that really you shouldn't hide from your
kids, for the very fact that you need to teach them how to deal with the bad that
happens and not everything in life is just peachy! My mom says to me, "you tell your
son too much!" and my response was "because you didn't tell me anything!"
It was pretty devasting when they decided I was old enough to know troubles
they might be facing or whatever the situation!
It made me a firm believer in "Living in Reality" and "Common Sense" I tell it like it
is and we deal with as it comes! Nothing much surprises me anymore, I think the only thing
that does, is how some people are so oblivious to the world! Bless their hearts!
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