Cramps, moodswings..ahh the joys of womanhood

dragoriana

dragoriana

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Well it's that time of the month again. And my uterus feels like it's about to drop out of me


I need (well i still have chocolate from yesterday
) a hot water bottle and a new body.



So i'm asking for everyone here to tell me their funniest jokes (they can be as rude as allowed) and any funny stories like CarolPetunias nectarine pit lol. Anything you want to share.

Actually...this could be a funny story/i cant believe that happened to me thread!!!

*dances* (you do realise women in pain don't make sense!?!?!?!)
 
stacyd1987

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Okay, how's this for a joke?


A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line,
covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat
they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.

"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.

"Stupid witch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs
and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...
 
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dragoriana

dragoriana

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Originally Posted by StacyD1987

Okay, how's this for a joke?


A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line,
covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat
they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.

"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.

"Stupid witch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs
and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...
Click to expand...
.....
that's classic!!! thank you!!
 
bonnie1965

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Originally Posted by StacyD1987

Okay, how's this for a joke?


A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line,
covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat
they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.

"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.

"Stupid witch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs
and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...
Click to expand...
Well, that's what happens when you're mean to a cat - instant karmic retaliation
 
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dragoriana

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Originally Posted by Bonnie1965

Well, that's what happens when you're mean to a cat - instant karmic retaliation
Click to expand...
as long as your karma doesn't run over your dogma..
 
white cat lover

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I don't have a joke, but I don't have chocolate either & could really go for some! Try jamming some of yours through the computer screen, puhleeze?
 
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dragoriana

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Originally Posted by white cat lover

I don't have a joke, but I don't have chocolate either & could really go for some! Try jamming some of yours through the computer screen, puhleeze?
Click to expand...
Lol uuuuuuuuuum i have to make it last another day....i don't know if i can spare any *runs*
 
tara g

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Originally Posted by Dragoriana

Well it's that time of the month again. And my uterus feels like it's about to drop out of me
Click to expand...

I'm feelin the same way



But these posts have got me
Even Rob is over there laughing.
 
carolpetunia

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Okay, howbout another classic from my mom? Many years ago, she worked for awhile as a cosmetician, and one hot summer afternoon, she got home from work, slammed the front door behind her, and started undoing her blouse. "I can't wait to get out of these clothes," she gasped. "It feels like I've had 'em on all day!"

 
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fwan

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Originally Posted by StacyD1987

Okay, how's this for a joke?


A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line,
covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat
they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.

"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.

"Stupid witch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs
and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...
Click to expand...
Hahahahaha omg i cant stop laughing!!!
 
margecat

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Mom (or "Mum") is British, and has a droll, oftentimes unintended, sense of humor. I hope I can post this here....

She was a nurse, and worked midnight shift. They'd always assign a nurse or orderly to make the coffee break snacks, and that person had to wash those dishes, too. They rotated the schedule. Well, it's was Mom's turn that week; but she hated doing it, especially the dishes. She was caring for an elderly gentleman, named Mr. Cox, who was incontinent, and had to be cleaned up. The orderly said to Mom, "Joyce, you have a choice--you can either do the dishes, or clean up Mr. Cox; he just had an accident." Mom's classic reply, "Oh, I'll take care of Cox, you do the dishes. I'd rather wash Cox than dishes any day!" Then she realized how THAT sounded...

Then there was "knock me up". In British slang, this simply means to give someone a rap on their bedroom door in lieu of having an alarm clock. When she first came over here, she didn't know what OUR version meant! She and Dad were having guests staying over; a few were men. Mom, in her innocence, asked one to, "Knock me up in the morning, will you?" She never used that expression ever again...
 
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