Just need to vent :/

Shouldn't let it bug you?? There's no way on this green earth I could handle living with my in-laws again! I did it once when things got so bad for me at home that I had to leave, but it was only for a few months before my boyfriend (now husband) and I moved in together. I was 18 too.

Since you may be living there for long a period of time, is there any way you can make an arrangement with the parents so that part of the house is just yours and his? A small apartment in the basement maybe? Something away from the rest of the family, food and all, so you have a place somewhat your own. Maybe little things like do your own and his laundry so the mother can't lose your stuff.

What about a little weekend trip away somewhere, just the two of you, to get your bearings straight again? I feel bad for you ... it sounds like you're both working so hard for your future that your present is suffering.

Best of luck to you. Hang tough.

I had a lot of thoughts reading your post and can relate a lot to your relationship with your parents and his with his. To simplify my thoughts, I to come from a family that is not particularly close, and was always annoyed by families that are and think it is just unnatural to be that involved with each other. to some degree it is,but I think basically it is jealously that I didn't have that kind of involved loving relationship. Neither of my parents had good parents and were not all that great themselves. That being said, and acknowledged, it does not make up for the feeling of suffocation you feel with people that are all too willing to invade your boundaries without a second thought.
I agree that you need a separate space, or just bite the bullet and rent until you can buy. YOu guys are adults now, if you want to be treated as such, give up the gravy train. The other thing to consider is his close relationship with his folks is going to continue even after you move out. I suggest you get professional help on reconciling the issues in your childhood that are having an impact on being exposed to his relationship with his folks. It will be worth the investment if you expect to have children and spend the rest of you life with this man. He might benefit from some counseling as well, on how to set boundaries and consider your feelings.

Hope you don't think this advice out of line.

Ugh! I don't envy you being in that situation. I've never been liked by any moms of my previous boyfriends.

I really think that you need to see things from another perspective and perhaps realise that you two need to live together, without family, even just for a year or two before buying. If you have the money saved up right now, may as well just bite the bullet and rent for a year to save sanity.

One thing I will say that you need to consider is will his family ALWAYS be there? Even when you have a house? Perhaps not, but perhaps so. If he is inviting his family along without telling you (even when you confront him) he may experience some form of separation anxiety and even in your own home that you built his family may visit daily.

As for wedding, well unfortunately whoever is paying gets to have some input whether you like it or not. If his mom isn't paying but wants you two to have all the stuff you mentioned, tell her you would be happy to have that if she's willing to offer some money. That's what I'm doing with our wedding and so far no one has planned anything for us (using our money) and no one has divied up money.
If she is helping out though, well I'm afraid that you don't have much say as she may take the funds for your wedding away. Heck, just elope. Much easier.

Jiminy Christmas! I can barely live with my own folks -- I can't imagine living with someone else's!

I think it's important for you and your fiance to move into an apartment of your own -- not just to minimize the parent issue, but also because it's the only way you can find out before you're married whether this is the right thing to do.

In fact... has either of you ever lived alone at all? If not, please... find a way to do it, even just for a few weeks. Living on your own changes you (or perhaps reveals you to yourself), and it casts your relationship in a different light, too.

If I had never lived on my own before I got married, I would never have found the courage later on to leave that misguided marriage and start fresh. I really think it's important to find out who you are alone before you try being with someone else.

But if that's not possible, at least you and he should think about getting a place together. Just to find out how you feel when it's only the two of you.

Unsolicited advice... forgive me if I'm being pushy!

Originally Posted by gailuvscats

I had a lot of thoughts reading your post and can relate a lot to your relationship with your parents and his with his. To simplify my thoughts, I to come from a family that is not particularly close, and was always annoyed by families that are and think it is just unnatural to be that involved with each other. to some degree it is,but I think basically it is jealously that I didn't have that kind of involved loving relationship. Neither of my parents had good parents and were not all that great themselves. That being said, and acknowledged, it does not make up for the feeling of suffocation you feel with people that are all too willing to invade your boundaries without a second thought.
I agree that you need a separate space, or just bite the bullet and rent until you can buy. YOu guys are adults now, if you want to be treated as such, give up the gravy train. The other thing to consider is his close relationship with his folks is going to continue even after you move out. I suggest you get professional help on reconciling the issues in your childhood that are having an impact on being exposed to his relationship with his folks. It will be worth the investment if you expect to have children and spend the rest of you life with this man. He might benefit from some counseling as well, on how to set boundaries and consider your feelings.

Hope you don't think this advice out of line.

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I totally agree with this & want to add that you seem like you are the more independent of the two. It sounds like your fiancee isn't quite ready to "let go" & this might cause some problems in the future...it's best to deal with this problem now before the wedding.
Kudos for dealing with it, though. I'm not a "close family" person either, not with my own & especially not with someone else's trying to dictate my life. Occasional visits are enough for me. (Actually right now I elected to stay home while my fiancee went to his 40-something year old brother's birthday party...I can't handle all of the people & don't understand what the big deal is!)

Originally Posted by gailuvscats

I agree that you need a separate space, or just bite the bullet and rent until you can buy. YOu guys are adults now, if you want to be treated as such, give up the gravy train. The other thing to consider is his close relationship with his folks is going to continue even after you move out. I suggest you get professional help on reconciling the issues in your childhood that are having an impact on being exposed to his relationship with his folks. It will be worth the investment if you expect to have children and spend the rest of you life with this man. He might benefit from some counseling as well, on how to set boundaries and consider your feelings.

Hope you don't think this advice out of line.

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I had a lot of the same thoughts. Coming from a fairly newly married (4 years) point of view, I really think it would benefit you both to have a place of your own ASAP! Even if it's not what you really want. Like has been said, you will see things differently both about your fiancÃ[emoji]169[/emoji]e and yourself. If there are any 'snags' to be worked out, better to find them and get through them now.

I think you also need to sort through your feelings and maybe narrow things down to a few things/points (you've sort of done that here) and have an honest talk with your fiancÃ[emoji]169[/emoji]e. Make sure the things you discuss with him are truly worth it though and done with love, those talks aren't the best time/place to vent, that can make it seem more like an attack on him or his family and he obviously cares very much about his family. Compromise with him. IE. set a day or 2 every week that is for you and him only, and then set a budget together for what you will spend on extra food. Although personally I think it's good that you do buy things on your own instead of just sort of 'living off' of your soon to be in-laws. Make sure that you are both clear about what you decide, that he knows that your time together is only for the 2 of you. You might have to be firm about it at first, but hopefully he will get the point too. At the same time, try to be as understanding as you can about his connection with his family. It may be a difference that you have that brings a balance to your children's lives. And it's a good thing to be able to balance each other.

Another thought with that is that it is probably best to establish some boundaries now with his family, rather then when you do have your own place and they come walking in as they please. My example: I had to kindly but firmly let my MIL (who I do love) know that we are not making her any Grand-babies any time soon, pretty much just a couple of months after DH and I were married. Doing that then has saved me the headache of hearing it repeatedly. It's also kept that stress out of my marriage.

And as far as the wedding is going, I'm with Lunasmom's advice on that one!

Some thoughts:

Beware of someone wanting to spend a lot of time with "family" - sounds like he's kinda tied to momma's apron strings and that's a yellow flag. My ex did that to me (he was also abusive) but he more/less insisted we spend all our vacations, etc. with HIS family and kinda isolated my side (mom/dad/sister). At first it was ok, but later in the marriage I started refusing to always go to his parents on vacation, etc.

This may or may not be a warning sign but something to seriously consider if you marry him. If he's like that now, he could be worse when married. IMO its better to be able to spend time with both families or on your own.

While its nice to live at home, living with parents/in-laws can be a nightmare after a period of time. My DH dealt with that with is ex and his ex-MIL moving in with them - part of the problems in the marriage.

And I'd think twice about the control the MIL wants on the wedding, etc.

IF your fiance' will not move out and rent an apartment for both of you now for the next year, then in all honesty I think you should really evaluate the future together.

I was going to multi-quote some things, but honestly, there are good things in every answer post that you received.

I think this is what I'd do. First off, I'd sit down and have a serious discussion with him. Tell him that you feel that the two of you need to do something to change your situation a bit. I'd discuss with him the different things that you can do to facilitate this. I'd also discuss your concerns about not having enough distance from other people (of course, you'll specifically mean his family, but I'd put this in very general terms and not make it an attack on his parents). Be very clear that in order for this relationship to survive for you, and for it to feel healthy to you, you need to have "space" from everyone except him to live your lives together. This doesn't mean cut off from the rest of the world, but it does mean let's not spend every waking minute in their company. There's absolutely no reason why a "weekly" or scheduled time to see other people and do things with them can't be set up, but you need to have your relationship space too.

As far as living there, regardless of how difficult they are to live with, some appreciation does have to be given to the fact that they're willing to help you guys out, and it is seriously giving you guys a huge break and opportunity to start your lives as a couple a lot further ahead than most. While it's hugely frustrating, it's probably worth suffering through it for a little while longer, and making the very most of it that you can, i.e. save every penny and use it to the utmost.

I'd start off trying to change the situation in the house by doing some of these things. I'd start doing your laundry, and offer to do their's at least some of the time. I'd ask if there's a particular way that they like their clothing washed, dried, folded etc, and I'd abide by that for their laundry. Everyone has a particular thing they like. Doing this will allow you to do your own laundry (giving you the control of it) and by asking his mom how she does things.. also gives her some control over it. But I'd just state that you want to do this as a contribution and to help out around there to help pay them back in some way. IMO, if they're doing the laundry and you're not, because you'd rather not do it (and I'm not saying that this is the case.. because I'm sure there's more to it than that).. you can't really complain about how it gets done. I go through this with my sister on a regular basis. I do her laundry, she hates doing it, I do all the work of carting it around, folding it all up, and then she complains about it and I think you ungrateful *itch, do your own laundry.. but then we're family and the structure is a little different. I guess what I'm trying to say here is.. by complaining about it, it makes you look ungrateful, and you won't be able to accomplish anything with that image. You'll have a much better relationship with your fiance and with his parents if you can figure some other way to get what you want. You're looking at a life with him.. and his family, such as it is. Just like he's looking at a life with you and your family.. such as it is. He can't really help that he's got a different situation with his family than you've got with yours.. you can alter it some, but you're not going to be able to alter it completely without making him miserable. I think you're going to have to learn how to deal with it, or if you can deal with it. And if you can't, you may have to examine whether it's more important to you to keep the relationship that comes with the family, or get rid of the family.. and the relationship. If you can't find a common ground that's acceptable to both of you here, I fear you're in trouble.

I'd offer to do some of the cooking. I know it costs a little more money to buy the food, but if buying the food and cooking allows you to stay under their roof longer, you'll end up saving more money in the long run. Food is a lot less expensive than rent and utilities.

The idea of taking your own section of the house is a great idea, if it's at all feasible. I'd also *really* *really* and I cannot stress it enough, *really* consider living on your own for a short time, with each other, before you decide to get married. You're living together now, but to be honest, you're lives there are influenced by the presence of other people. This might be okay, if you guys are given a portion of the house that's all yours. And, I'd actually use that as an excuse for right now... you know, I think we need to see how we do living "on our own" "in our own space" etc as an excuse for it, and then maybe "pay rent" in that, you set an amount that is pretty high, that would be inclusive of all utilities, and everything else that you're currently not paying for.. and maybe even make it a little higher, and put all of it into an account. Of course, you may already be doing this, obviously you're saving money. I'd stretch every last penny out of it that I could though.

Personally, I'd put the wedding date back at least another six months. I'd probably look at trying it for February of 2008. It's still early enough that anything you've booked for this year or paid for, will probably allow you to change the date. This will also give you time to get things together, including your house and so forth, have it built, and hopefully give you time to live on your own with each other for a while before you get married.

The biggest thing here, is I think you need to sit down with your fiance and make a plan. Put it on paper, and stick to it. Schedule when and where you need to be, a step at a time, and make a date for each step, if possible. By this date, we need to have the land bought. By this date, we need to have put into motion the building of the house. By this date, we need to have our own space for a while..

Hopefully this was somewhat helpful. I surely don't envy your situation at the moment, but I think you can do a lot to change it, and make the most of it. Look at is as an opportunity which is probably hard right now, but I think with a little thought and direction in it, you can change it around to be pretty beneficial and maybe not as stressful.

Good luck!

I have been living on my own for about a year now, and it is hard but it has really made me a different person!

Yes, it is financially straining, and yes you do get lonely, but you discover your self.
Now my boyfriend is moving in with me in october, he is moving all the way from Australia to Germany! It will be hard and good, I have learnt so much about my self that i wont let the same mistakes happen again like i did with my EX.


It sounds to me you arent ready to get married to this guy

Hehe, I meant 2009.. I don't do dates well. It's good that you have your own space. I think you're right that his mom is probably bored, and probably trying to help by doing laundry since she's got free time while you guys are putting in 60 hours a week (or more?). That's a difficult spot to be put in..because she's obviously trying to help and while it's frustrating.. it's got to be something that is difficult to resolve. Perhaps you could offer to "help" by just telling her not to worry about putting it away or anything.. that she's done way more than you can thank her for already by washing it, and you'll be happy to hang it in the closet or put it away? If you have time off on the weekends (not sure what your schedule is), perhaps you could offer to do a meal on the weekends (which they'll eat .. but only make enough so that leftovers last till about Wednesday, so that then you'll have "new" leftovers mid week from the meal that they cook).

Dunno what else to suggest. It's totally got to be frustrating to be in that position, but it's such an opportunity that most people never get that I'm sure both of you really appreciate it. If you guys can afford to put more into savings per month, say like $1500, by eliminating a few things, that might be better for you, since you'll be able to get out of there 50% faster. You're already doing a fantastic job at saving, and I want to commend you both.

Originally Posted by CatsAreBetter

Hehe, I meant 2009.. I don't do dates well. It's good that you have your own space. I think you're right that his mom is probably bored, and probably trying to help by doing laundry since she's got free time while you guys are putting in 60 hours a week (or more?). That's a difficult spot to be put in..because she's obviously trying to help and while it's frustrating.. it's got to be something that is difficult to resolve. Perhaps you could offer to "help" by just telling her not to worry about putting it away or anything.. that she's done way more than you can thank her for already by washing it, and you'll be happy to hang it in the closet or put it away? If you have time off on the weekends (not sure what your schedule is), perhaps you could offer to do a meal on the weekends (which they'll eat .. but only make enough so that leftovers last till about Wednesday, so that then you'll have "new" leftovers mid week from the meal that they cook).

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We do work every other Saturday (although I'm hoping that will change soon when I move to my new position - that is an optional Saturday thing, it will just be LOADS of extra hours during the week instead). We both are at work 10-11 hours a day. But even when we're not working at our companies, we're doing something for someone! (I cant wait for retirement! Only like 40 years to go

)

She doesn't put our clothes away in a dresser or closet, I actually don't know where they end up sometimes

Sometimes they are on the dining room table, sometimes they are on a chair in the computer room, sometimes in a basket by the dryer, sometimes on the couch in our room ... the part that gets me is trying to FIND where stuff is, because we dont always know when or if it has been washed or not, and where to look.

Originally Posted by CatsAreBetter

Dunno what else to suggest. It's totally got to be frustrating to be in that position, but it's such an opportunity that most people never get that I'm sure both of you really appreciate it. If you guys can afford to put more into savings per month, say like $1500, by eliminating a few things, that might be better for you, since you'll be able to get out of there 50% faster. You're already doing a fantastic job at saving, and I want to commend you both.

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Once I start my new position and get my two raises that come with it, we definitely will begin saving more than $1000. Probably between $1500-2000/month instead. And thank you for commending us on our saving

Plus, this upcoming week, his mom is in Ohio until Thursday and his dad is out of town until Friday (his job requires him to go out of town usually every week) - so we will generally have the house to ourselves for those first 4 days. His brother will come and go, but he works nights - we're in bed by the time he gets home, and when we get home from work he's gone to work. I love weeks like that

Makes it feel like we really do have a house (although rather large for just 2 of us) to ourselves

We definitely will be sitting down to talk about a plan, and begin to look harder and more actively for land/a house. We did call our realtor friend today, she didnt answer. The land we are looking at may be promising as long as it isnt swampy, so that will be a step in the right direction

My DH feels that you are not ready to be married till you handle things on your own - that means all expenses.

And I'm a bit suspicious on them not wanting you out. Still sounds to me like she's trying to control both of you by trying to disguise it as "helpful". You both need to sit down and outline some guidelines on what is acceptable or not when it comes to how much family time should be. Ground rules on them calling before stopping by, how often is it ok for visits? What about vacation plans?

How many times have just the two of you been alone on a date or vacation? You also might really consider checking into a pre-marriage course with him with a local church group. Those can be real eye openers on things to come. And you will see really where the two of you stand and if this is the right person.

I am in the You need to get your own place crowd.

I lived with my hubby and my in-laws...AFTER we had been married for a year and lived together independantly for several years. We had also both lived on our own (with roommates) previous to that.

There are important things learned by living on your own. And I only lived with my in-laws for 6 months. I have no idea how you are in it for 2 years. I get along with my in-laws much better when not under the same roof. Same goes for my own parents. I never let my MIL wash my clothes...I was mortified at the idea of her finding my thong underwear or something equally embarrassing.

At the end of those 6 months, I took the first apartment we found that took 3 cats. I really didn't care. And since the hubby knows: if the wife's unhappy, he's unhappy--he went along with it. We lived there for 3+ years and I got along great with my in-laws once we had our own place.

Hehe, I think you ought to be prepared to share your bed with the kitties.. I don't think they're necessarily going to see it your way 'bout the bed on the floor..

Sounds like you have a few things worked out but I still highly recommend you both take the pre-marriage course before you sign those papers! Won't hurt and it could help a lot!