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Is This a Good Way to Handle Gossip?

post #1 of 24
Thread Starter 
I met a woman (real life here) and she's possibly a new friend. She told me that if someone gossips to her, she immediately goes to the person being talked about and tells them.

After quietly being thankful that I don't gossip much, I thought this was a very good idea. But then I started thinking about it. So far, she hasn't told me anything anyone has said about me, and I'm not sure I'd want to hear it. And I don't think it would stop gossip, just stop gossips talking to her.

On the one hand, it's nice that she is so honest about it. On the other hand, it actually is perpetuating the gossip.

What do you think?
post #2 of 24
Although most gossip I hear I shrug off, when I hear gossip about someone I know, I do approach them. However I do not tell them WHERE I heard it from. I just say "so I hear..."

Ehh..as much as you may not want to hear the piece of gossip, sometimes it can be a good laugh.
post #3 of 24
I think it can actually lead to a lot of hurt feelings. Personally I rather not know what and who is gossiping about me, because then I would feel I would need to confront them about it. The old ignorance is bliss thing.
post #4 of 24
I think that going to the subject of the gossip and "tattling" on the gossiper is actually a great way to cause trouble for people and definitely leads to hurt feelings.

I used to have a "friend" that would make it a point to tell me the things that people were saying about me behind my back. Telling me that never did a single positive thing for me, but sure made that "friend" feel superior.
post #5 of 24
I guess if she had in mind that she didn't want people to gossip to her that she accomplished that! I don't think that any one person could make gossip stop, so she's just taking herself out of the mix and not having to feel bad hearing something about someone else and not saying anything to them! (Ex. Margo is getting written up for being short $100, I think she stole it!)
post #6 of 24
If I hear something about someone I keep it to myself unless it was an important enough thing to tell the person. The first person shouldn't be gossiping, so why do I want to get in the mdidle of it?
post #7 of 24
I don't think it is such a good idea. I had someone tell me what someone was gossiping about me and it just made me mad and upset, it was something very hurtful and completely untrue...
I would instead just tell people that you don't want to hear about gossip.
post #8 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by GingersMom View Post
I think that going to the subject of the gossip and "tattling" on the gossiper is actually a great way to cause trouble for people and definitely leads to hurt feelings.
actually, the best way to handle gossip is to not repeat it to ANYONE!
post #9 of 24
If she tells all her friends that up front, then nobody would gossip around her which is a good thing, and they can't get upset if they nasty things about someone and it gets back to them.
post #10 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by laureen227 View Post
actually, the best way to handle gossip is to not repeat it to ANYONE!
I 100% agree with this! She needs to just drop it and ignore it if she claims to not care about it, not make even more drama.
post #11 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by laureen227 View Post
actually, the best way to handle gossip is to not repeat it to ANYONE!
Yep, and to tell the person that you are not interested in participating in gossip.

The worse thing you can do is go and tell the person who is being gossiped about, and who was doing the gossiping. That just ends up with hurt feelings all around, and broken friendships and strained relationships in the office.

That person might have good intentions, but she's going about it the wrong way and is actually causing more problems between people. But maybe that's her intent all along?
post #12 of 24
Thread Starter 
I also pretty much have always thought it best to "let it stop with me." I learned this years ago. After going through the harrowing, exhausting, negative conversations with my mother, I would recall it all and dump it on my husband. It was wearing him down, too, and I realized it should stop with me.

It seemed so honest, though, when this potential friend said what she did.

Thanks, everyone, for the clarification!
post #13 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
That person might have good intentions, but she's going about it the wrong way and is actually causing more problems between people. But maybe that's her intent all along?
well, you know what they say about good intentions...
post #14 of 24
lol dont know really, when i hear people starting to gossip, i think my brian just kidna shuts down, and i get that deer in the head light look
post #15 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReesesPBC View Post
If I hear something about someone I keep it to myself unless it was an important enough thing to tell the person. The first person shouldn't be gossiping, so why do I want to get in the mdidle of it?
A few years back a girl I've known for a long time was going around telling people that one of our other friends had had an affair with her ex and that her second child didn't belong to this girl's husband. Now that I consider important enough to go tell the friend about. When I did that, I basically told her that I wasn't asking, I don't need to know or care, but I wanted her to know what was being said about her. Both the friend and her husband were glad I told them. My friend was very upset understandably, but still glad it was going to be ended. The friend's husband went and talked to the other girl's husband (because the friend was too upset to confront the other girl) and that was that. I also got a call from the gossiping girl apologizing.
post #16 of 24
Quote:
That person might have good intentions, but she's going about it the wrong way and is actually causing more problems between people. But maybe that's her intent all along?
Quote:
well, you know what they say about good intentions...

EXACTLY
what I was thinking!!!!
post #17 of 24
From my experience gossip causes to much hurt. I tell if it's something really bad but not otherwise. For instance one of my friends who i have known since i was 4 was to be married at the end of the month. I found out through another friend that her fella was cheating on her. I told her what i had heard and then she checked his phone and found loads of dirty text messages and stuff, rang the number they were from and it was a women who said she had been having a relationship with him for 3 years! They had been together for 3 and 1/2 years Gossip is a dangerous thing but i am glad i told her otherwise she would have married the rat
post #18 of 24
[FONT="Garamond"]I'm still in High School so a lot of gossip gets spread around. I myself am very honest about it, and I go to my friends and tell them. I dont often tell them who said it though, unless they totally beg me, then they go and sort it out for themselves. But I wouldn't like it if someone was gossiping about me and I didn't know what they were saying.[/font]
post #19 of 24
When it comes to gossip/rumours I tend to stay right out of it, and depending who the gossiper is, I cut myself off from them.

I was introduced to a young fellow through church, who was mentally slow, so I was to take him under my wing coz he was being led astray by the wrong types.
Anyway he became a friend and one day approached me about something he had heard about a close friend of mine, it was quite damaging/dangerous gossip, so I interrogated him to make sure he was absolutely certain of what he was saying. It was the kind of thing that you had to believe was true because he was uncapable of making something like that up and the person he heard it from was quite a credible person
I went to my friend and alerted him as to what was going on and about a day or 2 later some how sh*t got twisted right around and I was the one veing accused of starting the rumours and several other friends ended up involved in this gossip (no idea how). I ended up losing all my friends that were involved except the close one who I approached, but he still is on edge about it.

I then went back to the slow person and ended up questioning him about the facts again and again every time I saw him and his story started to change quite dramatically to the point he trapped himself. It turned out he had made the whole thing up. I was so gutted, that I had believed him coz of his slow mentality and lost a lot of friends by trying to intervene and prevent it from turning into a volatile situation.

I learned the hard way never to get involved and it won't ever happen again.
I just cut myself off from anyone coming to me with gossip and what I have heard, I simply write it on a piece of paper and burn it, then its out of my mind.
post #20 of 24
Unless they were a good friend, I wouldn't tell them. No sense hurting their feelings for no reason. I would just make a habit of not participating in the gossip.

If you don't listen and seem interested in the gossip, the person will stop gossipping most likely
post #21 of 24
I don't really see how immediately telling someone what theres gossip going around about them, is going to help? That just adds fire to it, because obviously the person is going to retaliate by starting gossip about the person that gossiped about them. I think a better alternative is just to shrug off gossip that you hear. Most times it's not true, and telling someone about it will only hurt thier feelings.
post #22 of 24
I think whether you tell someone gossip you've heard about them should really be a judgement call based on several factors.
How well do you know the person the gossip is about.
Is the gossip really damaging or is it just general fluff.
Do you believe it or not.
And most importantly exactly what will be gained by telling them.

Most gossip is hear-say, rumor, or out and out lies.

I usually just ignore most of it and my favorite response if someone say someone said something about me is.

Well at least they are not gossiping about someone who cares.
post #23 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by GingersMom View Post
I think that going to the subject of the gossip and "tattling" on the gossiper is actually a great way to cause trouble for people and definitely leads to hurt feelings.

I used to have a "friend" that would make it a point to tell me the things that people were saying about me behind my back. Telling me that never did a single positive thing for me, but sure made that "friend" feel superior.
I agree Betsy! You can stop someone from gossiping to you another way, you say "oh I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable knowing this kind of information" and then you are turning it around & making them feel uncomfortable.
post #24 of 24
I also assume this potential friend would throw gasoline on a fire to try to put the fire out.

You see, that's where I find this whole thing confusing. Gossip is ONLY gossip if it gets repeated. If everyone would stop repeating it, it dies, ergo no gossip!

By her repeating it to ANYONE is keeping it going so she's adding fuel to the fire as one poster said. Besides, she may be hurting the person she's tattling to. But again, as a couple other posters have said, maybe that was her hidden underlying intent. There are some people who present a sweet, innocent face who are dark and nasty underneath.
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