Question for the men...

tink80

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If you were grumpy/tired/stressed/depressed, would you want your SO to ask questions, console you, or just leave you the heck alone to brew for awhile?
Sorry, I really need to know.
 

mybabyphx

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Sorry I'm female, but I thought I would put my opinion on this one..


This really bothers me, because when my boyfriend gets upset.. I want to talk, discuss, soothe, and understand the problem! But he always tells me he would rather be alone, go for a walk, and get away from me. He says the more I bug him, the more he gets mad.
I thought i was trying to help GUESS NOT!
 

watchcaddy

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Guys like to keep things to themselves. They will resolve the problem by themselves. They don't need others to talk to them, it just does not work that way with guys. If they need help, most of them will ask. If not, just leave them be. You don't see them running to phones chatting up a storm with their guy friends about the issue/problem. (that will be a sight to see) They will be fine. No need to bother them. Give them a beer, a back rub and a bit of sexual healing, things will be back to normal in no time. IMHO
 
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tink80

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I'm no chatterbox myself and hate the phone but lately it seems if I ask "Are you okay?", I get my head blown off. Guess I will just shut up and do my own thing...LOL. But then I get accused later of "not caring" when I do that or hear a remark like "Somebody who actually cared today asked if I was okay"...How do I win???
 

mybabyphx

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Originally Posted by Tink80

...How do I win???
When you find out... let me know!


There is no 'winning'! It's a relationship that you take in both the good and the bad, because you and me both know it's not going to be perfect. I've been dating my boyfriend for 3.5 years and I know that even though we both have our crabby moments in life we both still truly love each-other. You just have to find a medium and adjust and life goes on!
 

danimarie

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Wow do I understand this topic.

I ask "What's wrong?" and I get the silent treatment following one word answers like "nothing.".

I poke and poke and poke until I get something out of him though....
In the end, we're both feeling better once he just opens up.
 

theimp98

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word of advice, how this may not be all men.

If i am, bad mood LEAVE ME alone, i dont want to talk, i dont want anyone to touch me. etc. just deal with it, its teh way most men are bulit. Its hardwired in are brian. bugging me about whats wrong is just going to piss me off worse.

let us relax some, then if we want to talk then do something togther,
play a video game, work around the house. Most men do not want to sit and have a heart to heart talk, but many will open up, and talk about stuff, how they are working or doing other stuff
who we are active with other things

until then let us alone in are man caves.
 
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tink80

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Originally Posted by watchcaddy

Give them a beer, a back rub and a bit of sexual healing, things will be back to normal in no time. IMHO
Ha, maybe years ago that would've sounded good. Ever since I was raped by a group of white supremacists for my heritage, I can't really just "turn the sex on" like that. Oh, and the beer wouldn't work too well because he's a recovered alcoholic :p
 
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tink80

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Okay, okay..I guess I wasn't clear..I do not ask repeatedly...I let him brew for days then I ask ONCE. Trust me, I'm a divorcee and I was the man in the relationship...LOL. My main reason for asking is I am under care for several mental disorders and I have a tendency to self injure (cut). It's just a little hard for me to deal with the dark cloud over his head when I'm fighting off one of my own...LOL.
 

goldenkitty45

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IMO the best way is to leave the guy alone to figure it out. HOWEVER you can just simply say "honey when you need to talk about what's going on, I'm ready to listen to you"....then drop the subject. When he's ready, he'll explain.
 

theimp98

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well, one thing you need to understand is that it is his issue?
from your other post, i would say he very tired and overworked right now, i know that when i put in a lot of hours, i am not much one for conversations.
give him a hug, and kiss, tell him your there for him.

really dont allow his mood to spill over into yours
 

tara g

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Originally Posted by DaniMarie

I poke and poke and poke until I get something out of him though....
In the end, we're both feeling better once he just opens up.
Same here!
I try and tell him I want him to share his feelings with me, especially since I always let him know if somethings wrong and he asks!
 

diego

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Originally Posted by theimp98

word of advice, how this may not be all men.

If i am, bad mood LEAVE ME alone, i dont want to talk, i dont want anyone to touch me. etc. just deal with it, its teh way most men are bulit. Its hardwired in are brian. bugging me about whats wrong is just going to piss me off worse.

let us relax some, then if we want to talk then do something togther,
play a video game, work around the house. Most men do not want to sit and have a heart to heart talk, but many will open up, and talk about stuff, how they are working or doing other stuff
who we are active with other things

until then let us alone in are man caves.
Well put
 
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tink80

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i have no problem leaving him alone...i've never been the nagging type....however, then i get accused of not caring if i do my own thing...to me it's a no brainer to not pester someone...i'm actually quite non confrontational. i've decided i'm going to leave him alone even if he does accuse me again of not caring. i already know what's bugging him and he doesn't want any help yet he doesn't want to change things...basically he wants to sit in it...so sit he shall. i have enough mental problems on my own to sort out.
 

sarahp

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When my DH is tired and stressed, he appreciates when I cook him something yummy, get him what he wants and just let him be. I know he appreciates that, and is what he wants. He knows when I do that I'm trying to let him know that I care.

If he's up for it, and depending on the time of day I'll see if he wants to go for a walk, which also helps. More often than not he just wants to stew and have a good nights sleep.
 

cococat

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Originally Posted by Tink80

If you were grumpy/tired/stressed/depressed, would you want your SO to ask questions, console you, or just leave you the heck alone to brew for awhile?
Sorry, I really need to know.
Mine would never push me away when he is any of those things, he likes to express his feelings and never makes me wonder what is wrong, and that is how we get through things. I think it is just a respect between us that developed over the years. We are really laid back with each other generally and don't bottle things up, we have been together a long time so we have a good sense about emotions, moods, and being there for each other and what works in our close relationship.

I, OTOH, liked to be alone rather than talking it out for what ever reason, thanks to him though, I am able to talk about things right then and there, so I don't have to be alone. The more I did it, the more natural it became.

It is a nicer way to be I must admit, MUCH nicer. We are really open (although he has yet to cry, and me, well I don't have anything wrong with a good cry after a bad day, it sometimes feels good! LOL)

I don't know if that helps at all. The emotions you listed are really different. Sometimes people need time alone to think and mediate too in their own ways. Everyone is different, and IMO grumpy is different than depressed, the emotions are different, each person is different, each relationship dynamic is different, well you get the idea.

Basically, this question depends on the two individuals and the couple. I don't think it is a sweeping generalization question.
 

cococat

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Originally Posted by sarahp

When my DH is tired and stressed, he appreciates when I cook him something yummy,.
Food!
It really is the way straight to a man's heart
 

cococat

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Originally Posted by theimp98

well, one thing you need to understand is that it is his issue?

give him a hug, and kiss, tell him your there for him.

really dont allow his mood to spill over into yours
This is great advice.
 

essayons89

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I don't have an answer for you. I know that when I get in a bad mood or upset about something I need to cool off for a bit, or just vent about it. I'll talk about when I'm ready to but I try to never snap at the wife when she asks if there is something she can do or if I want to talk about it. She'll say that she's here if I need to talk about it or need anything.

I need some new paints for my cave.
 
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