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Missing his mate and we both are lost

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
I adopted Cocoa 6 years ago. He is a prissy Burmese (sp). Then 5 months later I adopted Sissy, she was a white angora that had been thrown from a car. It was love at first sight for all of us! Sissy and Cocoa bonded so fast no hissing or spitting. And she became my bestfriend, she slept with her arms on my face and her nose on my nose lol. Well we lost Sissy just over a year ago, the tears are still streamin down my face. Anyway the reason for my story is Coca since Sissy been gone he will not have anything to do with me or my husband. If he is in a room and one of us walks in he will leave. He wont let us brush him, touch him, hold him or pet him. His tail which used to swish around with attitude now is always down. I've had him to the vet nothing wrong him. The vet said maybe getting another cat would help. so after much searching at the animal shelter we adopted a 7 month old female. He ignores her too. when we brought her home and they met she was hissing and he just walked out of the room. Its been 6 months since we brought her into our house and everything is still the same. The only time he is friendly is when we have company, then he comes out and lets our company pet and rub him...but not us.. Is he holding a grudge, does he think we hurt Sissy?
post #2 of 15
Ordinarily I would say give it time, he needs time to get over the sudden change in his life. But after a year he should be over it. I'm afraid all I can say is that I once had 2 siamese who were litter mates. One died at 18 yrs and the other spend the last 4 years of her life looking for her sister. She never got over it although she didn't behave any differently towards me. If you hadn't already gotten another cat I would suggest getting 2 young litter mates or at least 2 that were already friends that would play together. Maybe seeing them playing would get him out of his funk.

You might see if you can find a vet willing to treat him for depression. Being on an anti-depressant for a short time might bring him around.

Sorry I can't be more help. Good luck to you!
post #3 of 15
I am so very sorry you are experiencing this. I hope someone can come along who will be able to give you a solution for Cocoa. Have you or would you ever consider something homeopathic like Bach's flower Essence?
post #4 of 15
also, if you haven't yet done this, explain to Cocoa what happened to Sissy. i know it sounds silly, but it seems to help them understand...
post #5 of 15
Thread Starter 
Thank you for all your answers! First yes I have tried 2 different homeopathic meds and saw no difference in his mood. And when my husband buried Sissy he built a large stoned in area, I took Cocoa out there and showed him, telling him that we had put her body in the ground but she's in heaven watchin over us. As I said he loves when my friends come over and one Lady he acts like she is the love of his life. So I let her take him to her home on a temporary basis to see how he does there. She doesnt have any cats in her home and never has. Letting her take him was so hard I'll let everyone know how it goes. And thanks again for caring:
post #6 of 15
I am so very sorry for your loss. I and many here, know the pain all too well of losing a furbabie. Condolences too you and your family. I hope things work out for you, I do not have any other suggestions that have not already been made unfortunately. Maybe the memories of Sissy are too much for Cocoa, lets face it, animals have souls too. I am sorry if you have too let your friend take Cocoa, but if it makes him feel at ease, maybe it is right? I do not know..but I know you are doing all that you can for Cocoa and that is so so good best of luck and I hope all works out for you When my German Shephard had injurys too her throat, via Dog Bones, was a freak accident, that the bones cut her throat going down, too the point the infection dislocated her jaw ...After the vet visit and so forth, when she came home, she always got up and left the room when I moved....it hurt me so much, I was always with her, before, during and after her ordeal...maybe she associated ME with her pain ???...it took a long time, but eventually I got her trust back, a bit like cat's associating painful toileys with a litter box...they do not like to go back there. Wish you the best
post #7 of 15
That is so sad Poor little kitty! I would say just give it time too, but it seems that he's had enough time to try and cope. I don't know, maybe he really does need some sort of medication. The poor thing lost the love of his life! I'm so sorry for both of you!
post #8 of 15
I'm so sorry for what you're going through... I can only imagine how painful it is.

Maybe you should try spending some time with Cocoa at your friend's house... and at other friend's homes, if you can, a couple of hours two or three times a week.

And maybe you should take Cocoa with you to other places -- a hotel on a weekend trip, maybe, and occasional car rides with no particular destination. Anything you can think of to get him out of that environment where he still misses Sissy, and apparently feels you caused her to go away.

Maybe by being with Cocoa in different environments where you are the only familiar thing, you can help him learn to trust and rely on you again.

I think you should also get rid of all your old toys and kittybeds, and then have the whole house thoroughloy cleaned to eliminate Sissy's scent. (It's sad, I know...) Once that's done, you can put in some "Comfort Zone" Feliway plug-in diffusers, which emanate feline pheromones to calm and soothe anxious kitties. They're remarkably effective:


And as a last resort, you should consider adding Prozac to the mix. It can help pave the way for a break in the cycle of behavior, making it easier for the kitty to accept your efforts to reach out to him. It might be needed for only a few months, to allow Cocoa to form new bonds and new habits.

Bless you for your patience and loving care toward Cocoa... and for doing just as Laureen suggested, explaining things to Cocoa. There is some mysterious level on which they do understand these things, at least in some cases. It can't hurt to repeat that effort, too, especially in conjunction with these other suggestions.

High hopes and good luck for you and Cocoa!
post #9 of 15
Thread Starter 
Well I went to visit Cocoa. He has made himself at home at my friends place. She said he's been sleeping with her and snuggling. He made a spot on one of her tables so he can look out the window. And has made a friend thru the screen door with a little female that roams their neighborhood. When I got there he was on the couch and as soon as he saw me he left the room (just swished his tail and walked by). After awhile she go him to come back and sit on her lap. He was in kitty heaven laying on his back purring(i havent hear him do this in soooo long). after about 20 mins or so i moved closer on the couch. He jumped up and left. She couldnt get him to come back out until I left. She told me he has been a angel since he got there, she has a 9 year old son and she said Cocoa lets her son hold him and pet him. So I will go back in a few days and try again. Also thank you for all the advice As for getting rid of Sissy's smell etc. when we lost Sissy our new home was almost finished and thats where we buried her. So Coca has been in a brand new home with no smells, I did keep a few of her things but i have them in sealed bags so nothing will happen to them. The change in him is really bothering me. When i adopted him he was in a cage at a yard sale in the hot sun. I asked how much was he and was told if no one takes him he goes out with the trash. He was neutered and declawed and about 1 year old. He stayed under the bed only coming out to eat and potty took a long time for him to understand that we wouldnt hurt him. Sorry to go on and on my husband is out of the country for awhile and I dont have him to talk this out with. Thanks again for your support, as I said I'll try again in a few days.
post #10 of 15
Oh, darlin... I'm so sorry. Who knows what goes on in a kitty's mind? Cocoa must have some sort of misconception, to make him act like this.

It must be so hard for you, after saving his life that way... sometimes you'd just give anything to be able to speak Felinese for even a few minutes, to really get through to a cat, y'know? But either they understand us or they don't.

Y'know, you can give up. If it's the same on your next visit, maybe that will mean it's time to stop torturing yourself. You saved his life, gave him a happy home for six years... maybe your job for him is done. At least with your friend, you know he'll be safe and happy, and you'll still be able to see him sometimes.

Then you could open your home to a new kitty or two, and start fresh, without such a sad history between you.
post #11 of 15
Just checking in to see how you and Cocoa are doing. Please keep us posted. I hope things are smoothing out well.
post #12 of 15
Oh honey, I know this is breaking your heart. How did it go on your last visit?
post #13 of 15
Thread Starter 
Well I tried again and its the same. he wouldn't let me near him. So my friend and I talked she is going to keep him. I don't want to let him go but she says he is playing and purring and sleeps on her pillow with her at night. So I will go to see him but I need to let go he is happy so thats all that matters.
post #14 of 15
I'm sorry you had to give him up but it seems you have done what is best for him and good for you!

It was a very bizarre situation. Who knows what goes on in a kitties head?
post #15 of 15
At least you know he is with your friend and that he is happy, although Im sure it is a heartbreaking time. Good thoughts for you and your cat. May this be a healing time for you both. It really is a huge thing you are doing for him, very unselfish, may you get the same gift in return one day.
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