said he would be on the next bus at 8 something, it's 12am

Since no one else has mentioned this aspect of it, I just have to say that I would think long and hard about staying attached to someone who drinks enough to pass out... even rarely. It indicates a serious problem that will probably require professional help before it gets better.

If he's willing to get help, and you're willing to help him work through it... that's great. But if he's not... you could be setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery.

he doesn't get drunk, he gets buzzed and sleepy

This might be a daft question - does he realise how much he upsets you when he does this?

Originally Posted by Jessy

This might be a daft question - does he realise how much he upsets you when he does this?

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Have you let him know that in a calm way?

we've talked about it, he always feels bad...he has gotten better.

Oh I'm sure he "always feels bad" - bottom line is he has a problem and unless he gets help and you stop putting up with the cr*p - your relationship will fail. Why do you enable him and accept his excuses?

Why not tell him to get help for his drinking and do it now or you will be leaving - then follow thru. The more you let him do this to you, the worse it will get.

And don't forget that its very easy for him to add cheating to the scene (if he hasn't already done so).....DH's first comment (when I was reading it to him) was "he's probably cheating on her".

Buzzed & sleepy from drinking equals drunk. You can rationalize it any way you want to, but it sounds to me like there's a giant elephant in your living room that you are incapable of seeing.

Please understand that if we didn't care we wouldn't even post anything. There are MANY of us that have "been there, done that" and are no longer with those men that caused us such pain. We got up and out of our mode of denial, learned to face the issues head on instead of making excuses and rationalizing his horribly inconsiderate and emotionally abusive behavior, and DUMPED HIM.

Yes, staying out all night with no calls and not getting in touch until some time the following day IS emotionally abusive to you.

If you (or anyone else on TCS) have a problem with getting the kind of advice you've been getting, I suggest not airing your dirty laundry in a public forum.

No one in their right mind would advise you to stay in a relationship with someone that has treated you this way.

That's kinda harsh. People who drink and then go to sleep aren't monsters, and they don't necessarily have a problem. Equating drinking at a friend's house and then crashing there with being an abusive alcoholic doesn't make any sense. The problem here isn't that, it's that he didn't come home when he said he would and made himself difficult to get ahold of, regardless of what he was doing.

Have a talk with him about this. IMO many of the times that men do stuff like this it's because they are resentful of feeling like you are controlling them (not saying you are) but either he has a reason for acting like this, and you can work it out, or he has no reason and he's just being a jerk in which case you should analyze what you are getting out of the relationship.

I'm afraid it may sound as if we're attacking the victim here. I hope you understand that the anger you're hearing is from people who hate to see you accept being treated so poorly. And I think some of them, having been through similar situations, feel that it takes a certain amount of VOLUME to get the point across! I hope you know that everyone's intention is only to help you see your situation clearly and make good decisions about it.

I see threads like this as the kind of huge, caring family I always wanted Like cousins, aunts, mothers, fathers who want the best for us. I have the large family, but not so many people caring.

When those who respond come across as heated or extremely concerned, it is because they have lived with it and that is the kind of pain no one forgets. All the memories self-doubt and insecurity comes through.

I truly stink at relationships - only ever seemed to choose men who would cheat and lie, and/or refused to value me as a human. So, I don't date any longer.

I do know the feeling of waiting for them to come home, worrying, calling hospitals, friends, family ... anything to confirm they were okay. The smell of booze as they finally stumbled in with lame excuses, smelling of perfume. Finding little love notes that weren't from me, mysterious friends calling who need to be seen right away, odd weekend getaways with the "boys". All the apologies and then verbal abuse when I wasn't buying it. God, sounds like a country song! My mother dated men much worse than I did, so I suppose I thought I was doing better.

So, I have no advice on relationships. I do appreciate the agony others go through when dealing with these issues. to you and remember, life is short and it can be lived without all the drama and stress.You are a good person (you love cats!) and deserve to be treated well by the people in your life.

HOLY COW! Ok guys this is happen about maybe...maybe 10 times in 6 years, he has a few drinks a couple of times a years. He's not a cheater. Yeh I could say you don't know him and may sounds like I am sticking up for him, he is not abusive, he is a very nice guy. So once in a rare while something will come up. you can not tell me you all have perfect relationships that you so does something sometimes that will upset you. we don't even fight, I mean sometimes we'll get frustrated but who doesn't. I understand your concern...and I appreciate but I'm actually to the point where I wish I hadn't posted at all. Also anyone that knows him knows that some things will not click in the boys head.

What you are saying may be true about him; however, a lot of us can see the signs or beginning of trouble just from our past experience dealing with similar scenes.

Right now you are defending his actions - no matter what. Until YOU decide when you've had enough of his treatment, then you will continue to defend him. But don't be surprised that up the road things turn out what we've predicted (cheating, etc.)

It took me 14 yrs of my 17 yr marriage to my ex to really figure out I was being verbally/emotionally abused and to divorce him. I didn't have anyone/thing to compare until things really got bad. I happened to get a book out of the library (after hearing other stories of abuse and seeing SOME of the signs) - Abuse Survivors Speak Out - by Patricia Evans. THAT book saved my life, sanity, and helped me in so many ways to deal with abuse and get out. I cried reading that book cause all the "signs" had been there years before and I never saw them. I could have gotten out of the marriage way before I did. My son was 12 yrs old when I divorced and I really regret him seeing more then he should have regarding the abuse.

My ex hide a lot of things for many years and it is very tough to figure out verbal/emotional abuse compared to physical abuse.

Your bf does have a problem and if both of you don't address it soon, it will get worse. What happens when you find out that he is cheating on you? Next time he has too much, how do you know he won't be in someone else's bed having sex? Do you honestly expect him to tell you yes he is if you ask him? Wake up and smell the coffee - you're in denial right now.