Dating after divorce?

fostermomm

TCS Member
Thread starter
Super Cat
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
1,032
Purraise
1
Location
Hicksville
Ok Ive been thinking alot about this lately. Me and my exhusband broke up in January. When is it ok to start dating again? My ex has been dating (not seriously) for about 2 months now. I think he finally gave up on the idea of me changing my mind and seeing things his way.
But up until recently I havnt even really wanted to date anyone. I still love my ex. But I know its not good for me to be dwelling on the past. Things didnt work out and I need to get over it. Is there any accepted rule of thumb on how long you should wait? I think my ex started dating way to soon.
 

bnwalker2

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Aug 17, 2006
Messages
8,991
Purraise
4
Location
Rising Sun, Indiana
I've never been divorced... and John has been my first and only relationship, so I don't see where I can give much advice here. But, in my opinion, only you know when you're ready and when the time is right. One day it will feel right to you.
 

jennyr

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 6, 2004
Messages
13,348
Purraise
593
Location
The Land of Cheese
I would say as soon as you meet someone you like! Take it gradually, don't go looking for a 100% right relationship straight away, but just go with your instincts and maybe try out people as friends first. Too many people go rushing into something on the rebound, and then get hurt. I've been there twice, and I know. Good luck.
 

darkeyedgirl

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jul 31, 2002
Messages
1,563
Purraise
12
Location
"Southside of Cincinnati"
After divorce - depending on how long you were married and how horrid the marriage was (such as: if you were the victim of abuse and/or cheating spouse, etc.), I think it's best if you don't date at all, really.

Spend time with YOU. Go away by yourself. Date yourself! Get to know yourself, fall in love with YOU, first... before you date.

Dating itself is a harmless thing. Or so one would think. Some people get WAY too serious about dating and jump right back into marriage. Danger, danger, DANGER!!! After a divorce (and yup I'm barking from experience here!)... you need TIME to heal. Time away from the opposite sex.

You can 'date' and 'have fun
' (you know what I mean... um... "safe fun")... but don't fall in love or get too "into" someone.

Rebounds are horrendous and always end in a huge fiery crash. So don't get too involved, just have fun, 'date', and keep it "at arms length" (no overnights, no I Love You's, no picking out curtains together). Take care of YOU.
 

whosamyhercules

TCS Member
Alpha Cat
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
388
Purraise
1
Location
Pa
My mom jumped into dating right after her divorce..I think you just need to take time and assess what you are looking for in a new relationship. Do you want to get married again, or just date. And what are you looking for in the man himself. There is no right time to start dating, you just do it when you feel that you are ready and can emotionally handle a new relationship. If your not comfortable dont date, if you want to then take it slow and enjoy the stroll thru the dating scene.
 

yosemite

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Apr 26, 2001
Messages
23,313
Purraise
81
Location
Ingersoll, ON
I think you will know when the time is right for you. As for your ex - obviously he felt the time was right for him. Just my own observation, but I've noticed that men tend to get back into dating and relationships much faster than women. I personally think it's because they need someone to look after them.


I have a wonderful husband and he's been the love of my life but I tell you if anything happened and we weren't together for any reason, I would take a long time hooking up with someone else, if ever. After 30 years of picking up after him (and our daughter too of course), feeling guilty if I didn't feel up to making him dinner, spending every weekend cleaning, washing, ironing, I'd like a break. I'd like a time where after I finished cleaning the bathroom it would stay clean for more than an hour or two, or the empty, clean sink would stay empty and clean for more than an hour or two - you get the drift.


Take time for yourself and as posted above, get to know you, like you, be able to spend time with yourself without feeling you need to have someone else there. Join clubs/organizations to meet people as friends and if things develop naturally, so be it but let it happen naturally.
 

mirinae

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Sep 13, 2005
Messages
1,292
Purraise
1
Location
Ontario
I can't speak from personal experience, but I don't think there are any hard and fast rules for this. I think the important thing to focus on is whether or not you feel ready to date, and your reasons behind dating -- are you dating because you're afraid to be alone, because you want to "show up" your ex and/or prove to him that you're ready to move on, or are you dating because you're genuinely interested in the person you're seeing and feel ready to move on? You're the only one who knows the answer to these things, but I think so long as you're comfortable with it and ready to try new relationships, it's good and healthy.
 

icklemiss21

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Aug 14, 2005
Messages
16,465
Purraise
20
Location
in the land of poutine and ice
I say whenever you are ready.

My family have been trying to push my mum into dating since about a year after my dad died, it just makes her not want to spend time with them either. Take the time you need for you and when you want to start dating, do so. If you don't 'want' to be with someone and are happy by ypurself, leave it like that until you want to be in a relationship.
 

rockcat

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Nov 6, 2002
Messages
6,665
Purraise
18
Location
The Spacecoast
I have a unpopular opinion about this. Everybody is different. I jumped in with both feet.
I have never experienced "rebound."

My ex told me he wanted a divorce over 5 years ago. I was stunned and devestated. I was soooooo hurt and sad. I still loved him very much and asked him repeatedly to come back.

About a month and a half later I looked up an old friend. I cried on his shoulder. I started falling for him.

We were married last year. He is my best friend and my lover. I can't even describe how much we love each other.
 

katiemae1277

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Nov 28, 2005
Messages
20,445
Purraise
17
Location
NE OH
like everyone else has said it depends on the person.... me, for example, started dating again before my ex had even moved out
but then again the love I had for him had died a while before we split. I did what darkeyedgirl suggested, I just dated and had fun, I've been split for over 2.5 years and to be honest I'm still just dating and having fun
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #11

fostermomm

TCS Member
Thread starter
Super Cat
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
1,032
Purraise
1
Location
Hicksville
Thanks guys. I currently know two guys who are definatly interested in me. I like them both. But Im really not sure if Im ready. Our breakup was a little strange to say the least. He didnt want to break up he just wanted to get divorced becase he didnt want to be married.
He wanted to still live together and act like we always had. Just not be married anymore. I told him that was stupid and we ended up breaking up. So he is still attempting to get me back. But why? I dont want to be his girlfriend. Its just strange. I think it will be fun to date someone other then him. Ive been married since I was 17 and been dating him since I was 15. So I think I deserve something different.
 

pookie-poo

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Feb 14, 2007
Messages
3,911
Purraise
6
Location
Middle-Of-No-Where Michigan
I've been divorced for 18 years. I finally got brave enough to date again about 6 years after my divorce. It was a disaster. Then I waited another 6 years to date again...and ended up with Psycho Dan (who beat me, and stalked me for 18 months after I told him to get out of my life.) I'm not sure I'm ever going to date again. Obviously, I make very poor relationship choices! I'm sticking with cats!!!
 

larussa

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jan 28, 2007
Messages
4,899
Purraise
71
Location
Central New Jersey
I started dating soon after my separation back in the 70's. I knew we weren't getting back together since we had a legal separation. I don't think there is a certain amount of time to wait after divorce or separation, just do what you want. If you meet someone you want to go out with...just go, there are no rules. A widow would need to wait tho I would think. Your X didn't waste any time so if you know someone you would like to have dinner with, just do it. Time goes by way too fast, you deserve every chance at happiness, good luck to you.
 

katl8e

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Jan 21, 2002
Messages
12,622
Purraise
3
Location
Movin' on up!
When my last divorce was final, the guy I was living with went to court with me. My ex showed up, with HIS S/O and as soon as the papers were signed, they went down the hall and picked up a marriage license.
 

goldenkitty45

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Aug 29, 2005
Messages
19,900
Purraise
44
Location
SW Minnesota
There is no timeline - its whenever you are ready. The biggest problem is usually the first or 2nd person you date right after divorce is a "rebound" person and the relationship doesn't last long.

I've heard that from a lot of divorced women - they seem to be a bit "jealous" that their ex has started seeing someone new and they haven't. Its not a race or anything. Take your time and sort out YOURSELF first. You also shouldn't date if you still have feelings for the ex. You need to fix that problem or the person you date will not hang around long.

When you are ready you will know. And during this time, sit down and write a list of the qualities you want in the next person - about 15-20 different things - that way when you date, you'll have an idea of exactly what you are looking for and not just settle to date someone.
 

mark kumpf

TCS Member
Adult Cat
Joined
Feb 7, 2004
Messages
268
Purraise
3
Location
On patrol or at my PC
OK, here's the story of the dating deal. Divorced after 15 years. 3 kids. (2 of hers one of ours) all three stayed with dad after the split. Mom went right on to dating and was married three days after the court approved the divorce decree... Now single, living in Ohio. Can cook, do dishes, enjoys long walks and has a rather singular if lonely life sometimes.

Soooo. When is it OK to date? How soon is too soon? There is no easy answer and to be truthful, the answer is different for everyone (as the posts have shown). Was the breakup amicable and is dating an option. Ugly divorces sometimes make dating difficult. Raising 3 kids can also through a real wrench into the works as well. Not ok to bring home "Friends" and not exactly ok to leave kids home while visiting the "Friends house" or a hotel. Doesn't help when the kids don't want to stay with mom even for a weekend. Regardless, your compass is the one to go by.

Me, I found dating to be difficult. Being past the meet-market barscene can lead to the Sahara desert. Also, where are you meeting people? Coworkers and work in general are not good places to find new experiences. I hear tell that the friends helping friends referal network does a pretty good job. Online is not always successful. I am on match and its been rather dismal. Look for the petprotector if you want to get an idea of what I am talking about.

First and foremost, date when you want to. You make your own rules and set your own goals. Its ok to be picky. Do the neutral date deal (you meet somewhere) or find a set of wingmen (or in your case wingwomen) to go with you and make it a group interview (oops, I mean date). Don't think that whoever you date is entitled to a long term relationship after 15 minutes of complementing your eyes.

From the guys side, I am much more interested in someone who can carry a conversation over a cup of coffee! I look for someone with a sense of humor. Despite the myth, there are a few of us left who don't think that jumping in the sack on the first date (or the 2nd or 3rd or 4th) is the best way to see if you are compatible.

Doesn't want to be married but can still live with you? Sorry, thats sounds like a mid-life crisis or an affair that isn't going anywhere and someone wants to have a live-in maid and bed partner when the pickings are slim at the bar. Wants the "benefits" with none of the responsibility??? Adios amigo!!!

And for the last of us decent guys out there, I have a question for the ladies and no offense intended.

WHY THE HECK DO YOU STAY WITH THE LOSERS????? Seriously. I hear more bad vibe stories about drinking, spousal abuse, cheating, lying, etc. etc. etc. from many of my female acquaintances than I can count. And when I ask why they stay with the "moron of the moment", I get this blank stare or the cliche "He loves me, he's trying to change..." reply. Change into what? A serial killer?

Another friend couldn't understand why her "boyfriend" was cheating on her. After all, he had left his wife for her and said he loved her. Helloooo??? Once a cheater always a cheater! Arggh! Drives me nutz.

Another tidbit, don't be afraid to be selfish and don't be afraid to ask questions. Like the one above. "Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend?" If the guy doesn't hold the door, offer you his coat and act generally like a chivalrous type - ditch him. Its not sexist its courtesy. Ladies should expect it, men should display it.

Qualifications for the decent guy:
Knows the words please & thankyou and can use them BOTH in a sentence.
Can pump gas, check oil, and change a tire. (Or has AAA and is not afraid to use it!)
Can cook (Not just mac & cheese nor hotdogs on the grill although I like both)
Knows that laundry is something to seperate by type & color - not just clean or not so clean.
Understands that "No" can be translated into "move your hand any farther up my leg without my express permission and you are going to lose the fingers to the third knuckle buddy"
Should know what the four stages of intimacy are: Permission, foreplay, fun activity, cuddling. Can go straight to cuddling without need of intervening steps.
Buys things just because: Its thursday, you were asleep when he left, he knows you like chocolate, you mentioned something you liked in a conversation three weeks ago
Can listen to every word you say and remember them more than 5 minutes from now.
Takes the time to memorize favorite color, dress size, shoe size, favorite dish, names of cats, favorite flowers, anniversary of first date/kiss/engagement/marriage etc.
Agrees never to go to bed angry.

And I sit down on the soapbox. All this talking makes a guy tired!
 

carolpetunia

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Oct 25, 2005
Messages
9,669
Purraise
17
Location
Plano, Texas
Mark, do you remember the "I believe in..." speech by Kevin Costner in Bull Durham? I think you just gave the 2007 version of it.

And I think you're going to receive a few proposals by PM...
 

4badcats

TCS Member
Alpha Cat
Joined
Jan 22, 2007
Messages
535
Purraise
1
Location
Cheshire, UK
I don't think there is any rule - it had to be totally up to you and your own feelings, and not because you feel pressured either way by thers. HOWEVER, I do think it is really important that your ex is out of your heart before you start again - if you still have feelings for him, it would be unfair on both you and any potential new guy

Wishing you SO much luck for the future
 

tink80

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jun 29, 2007
Messages
1,264
Purraise
3
Location
WA, U.S.A
it is purely up to you and when you are comfortable...don't follow the mainstream's advice..take your own...it is called instinct. i am divorced and my ex husband probably had the same opinion for me dating too soon. however, each person deals with things differently and may be at a different point in their lives. besides, if you follow some rule that society made up, you'll never be happy. forget rules. trust your heart. anybody who tells you different can just mind their own business.
 
Top